BS vs. AP
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-28-2013, 06:12 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default BS vs. AP

As a woman, I find it sad that BS and AP alike continue to compete with each other over a man’s affection. The man is a cake-eating cheater anyway. Even if he stops the affair and goes back to his wife, reconciliation is a long and painful journey. I dare say, it’s more difficult to forgive when the guy spends months ‘deciding’ whether to sh*t or get off the pot compared to those who reconcile when WS immediately stops the affair on DDay or stops on his own accord and confess. Even if he leaves his wife and be with AP, lies, deceits and lack of respects are not recipe for successful relationship. Please don’t tell me that the AP does not feel any resentment and hurt thinking about all those months (years) that waited and waited and the cheating bastard went back to his wife. The longer the cheater fence-sitting, the more resentful the AP.

Yet, women continue to degrade themselves just to ‘win’ the cheater. When he is the one who is supposed to move a mountain to ‘win’ us! He cheated on BS, he lied and manipulated AP (now I know that many AP thinks he is only lying to his wife, but read this forum and it’s often not the case). If he wants to re-commit himself to his wife, he should do all the hard work to earn her forgiveness. If he wants to be with his AP, just fricking leave already. If it’s too difficult to leave, if it’s not that easy (kids, grandkids, mortgage, blab blah blah), then apparently he is not supposed to cheat in the first place. At worst, he is a lying manipulative serial cheater. At best, he is a man who doesn’t know what he wants, wishy washy, and weak. Whining and whining about how bad life at home, but he stays anyway. What is so attractive about a man like this? Seriously? Many women are so focus on winning, they forget to ask themselves whether THEY actually want this guy if both were single. If he was hypothetically ‘available’, no other woman wants him (i.e. you were not married to him if you were a BS or he was single if you were an AP)…would you want a man who is whiny and confused?

Let me put it this way. If his wife and AP were drowning and he could only save one person. Would you appreciate a man who takes months, sometimes years to make up his mind while both women were gasping for air? Attractive? I think not.

It is sad to see that women continue to look for validation of her lovability and desirability from a man. I have a man because I want him in my life and happy that he feels the same way. But I really don’t need him or anyone to continue to live and be happy. I know he will be okay with or without me, and vice versa. I know I am attractive, how could I not be? God (Jesus, Yahweh, Buddha, Mother Nature, whatever you want to call it) created me, and I take care of his/her creation. I don’t need a mere mortal (especially a cheater) to validate that.

I am not going to burn my bra now, I think they are pretty thank you very much. But it would be nice to see more women taking full responsibility of our happiness (and sanity) before we share it with someone else. It sucks to be rejected. Yes, you love him so much. It will break your heart to let him go. Yes yes yes…I am not going to say otherwise. BUT. We have been heartbroken and disappointed before, we don’t always get what we want or things to go our ways all the time. I was hurt, disappointed, heartbroken. But I knew, I would live (with my dignity intact). And we live…and move on. So why is this particular cheating, cake-eating, fence-sitting guy any exception?

If the BS is male, other male posters here would rally behind him, take charge, kick her out, make her feel what it feels to live without you, if you want to save your marriage you must be willing to lose it. But if the BS is female, some encourage her to fight (and the same for AP...they are also encouraged to fight). Fight? Fight for the...cheater?

Why men must have dignity and HE decide whether he wants to take his cheating wife. But women jump through hoops (and lose her dignity) so HE decides whether he wants to go back to his wife or to AP. I don't get it.

Let me get off my soapbox now :-) Cheers.
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Old 06-28-2013, 06:46 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS vs. AP

Yep, I agree... I have seen it in real life a lot... The BS and AP fighting over the cheater... instead they should be kicking his hiney to the curb...

Also, I have seen the BS blame the AP or the AP blame the BS and somewhere in the midst of that the cheater becomes the innocent one... Really? In my opinion the BS and AP need to come together and put the blame where it belongs... on the cheater..

Once in college, a very attractive man gave me his phone number, asked me to call him sometime that he would love to take me out on a date.. After a week or so I decided, why not, he was pretty attractive, funny etc...

So I called, his girlfriend answered the phone.. She was angry with me, grilled me about what I thought I was doing calling her man.

So I explained the situation and that I was NOT interested in dating a guy who lies or cheats and I also suggested that she also stand up for herself because this guy is obviously a real loser... Her and I became friends... Turns out that guy NEVER was faithful to her even after the two kids they had. She divorced him many years later... I am still surprised it took her that long to figure out what a loser he was...
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Old 06-28-2013, 07:27 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS vs. AP

I am now divorced from a cheater. If I had it to do over, I wouldn't have given him a second chance but, like others, I thought he really meant all those pretty things he said.

Females have always been expected to turn a blind eye to "men being men." I think fear of the unknown is a primary reason why females stay in bad marriages. I stayed because of my son who was young then. In retrospect, it wasn't a good idea.
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Old 06-28-2013, 07:45 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS vs. AP

I wouldnt say that not throwing in the towel means someone is trying to "WIN", especially if you are married to them! Maybe the AP is trying to WIN, but really what are you winning?
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Old 06-28-2013, 08:10 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS vs. AP

Isn't that just the nature of the beast? Everybody wants to be the "WINNER"
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Old 06-28-2013, 08:29 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS vs. AP

Quote:
Originally Posted by Everafter2013 View Post
Yet, women continue to degrade themselves just to ‘win’ the cheater. When he is the one who is supposed to move a mountain to ‘win’ us!
Amen to that!

It doesn't seem to me that it is a gender issue though. Men have the same problem.
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Old 06-28-2013, 08:37 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Females have always been expected to turn a blind eye to "men being men." I think fear of the unknown is a primary reason why females stay in bad marriages. I stayed because of my son who was young then. In retrospect, it wasn't a good idea.
Wow, that was one of the things that my W said when I caught her having an A. I honestly haven't seen that here, or in my life.

Maybe it's because my family has always been female dominate (a lot of women, and strong women), but I was actually pushed by my family to R with my W while my sister was pushed to leave her WH when he had an A.

My personal stance is men are not excused just because they are men.
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Old 06-28-2013, 08:42 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS vs. AP

"I wouldnt say that not throwing in the towel means someone is trying to "WIN", especially if you are married to them! Maybe the AP is trying to WIN, but really what are you winning?"

After my WH's first online affair 16 years ago, when it was all over her said "You won!" I said "What did I win?" He said, "Well, Me" - I said " I won a cheater, lucky me."

I told him just yesterday I have days where I still struggle with my decision to try again, but I will not put up with betrayal again, I won't, and he knows it.
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Old 06-28-2013, 09:03 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Onmyway View Post
Wow, that was one of the things that my W said when I caught her having an A. I honestly haven't seen that here, or in my life.

Maybe it's because my family has always been female dominate (a lot of women, and strong women), but I was actually pushed by my family to R with my W while my sister was pushed to leave her WH when he had an A.

My personal stance is men are not excused just because they are men.
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They absolutely should not be excused but historically they have been. That's part of the double standard.

Men were felt to have trouble controlling their sex drive and so they were often excused for cheating (and their wives overlooked it). Women were felt to not care as much about sex and they were not excused (and their husbands usually didn't overlook it).
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Old 06-28-2013, 09:30 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS vs. AP

Quote:
Originally Posted by Everafter2013 View Post
Yet, women continue to degrade themselves just to ‘win’ the cheater.
I think men do the same. Losing their wife is making him out to be a total loser and that shocks our pride.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Everafter2013 View Post
Many women are so focus on winning…
Is this really true? Focused on winning or scared of losing their security?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Everafter2013 View Post
Let me put it this way. If his wife and AP were drowning and he could only save one person. Would you appreciate a man who takes months, sometimes years to make up his mind while both women were gasping for air?
Easy, I think he’d immediately snap out of dreamland and save his wife. Sexually, men tend to live in a dream world.

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Originally Posted by Everafter2013 View Post
It is sad to see that women continue to look for validation of her lovability and desirability from a man. I have a man because I want him in my life and happy that he feels the same way. But I really don’t need him or anyone to continue to live and be happy. I know he will be okay with or without me, and vice versa. I know I am attractive, how could I not be? God (Jesus, Yahweh, Buddha, Mother Nature, whatever you want to call it) created me, and I take care of his/her creation. I don’t need a mere mortal (especially a cheater) to validate that.
I really like this paragraph. Even though we are created to be with a mate, it isn’t a mandatory. And besides, I’ll bet you 99.9% of betrayed spouses would be happier without their betrayer but, like me, never see though their own fog and lose out on a lot of happiness after the pain.

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If the BS is male, other male posters here would rally behind him, take charge, kick her out, make her feel what it feels to live without you, if you want to save your marriage you must be willing to lose it.
I kept my betrayer around because she was the center of my world and I was deeply in love with her. I simply didn’t want to believe what was staring me in the face and screaming at me- that she was a no damn good betrayer. I had to put up with it 3 times before I saw the light.

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Let me get off my soapbox now :-) Cheers.
Well, it was a worthy and well spoken rant.
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Old 06-28-2013, 09:36 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS vs. AP

Maybe it's, I dunno ... penis size...LOL!!!
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Old 06-28-2013, 10:27 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS vs. AP

As a BH, I would second the post by thatbpguy.

One interesting fact is that the majority of divorce filing is done by women. I have read it is about 2/3 to 3/4 of the time.

The battle we have for over a cheating spouse likely is a reaction we have to save our status quo. A broken home is usually not a goal that any of us have when we envision our lives.

Maybe the physical cheating shatters a man's ego more than a woman's. It is often said that women are more hurt by the cheating on the emotional connection. Not sure, but it does seem women generally are more forgiving of a purely sexual betrayal.

Honestly I think most men on TAM would champion a woman to D a husband that can't prove himself faithful. JMHO.

Fighting over a cheater only rewards the cheater. Amen to that.
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Old 06-28-2013, 10:40 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: BS vs. AP

Based on what we see here at TAM, I'd say we have a lot of men who are BS who are killing themselves trying to win their cheating wife back, so I'm not they are following the double standard in real life.

I do not personally accept the men will be men as play around excuse.

It is interesting though that thie men will be men, is often cited by the OW AP as an excuse, and cited by WW as an excuse on why what they are up to isn't as bad as people first say.
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Old 06-28-2013, 10:47 AM   #14 (permalink)
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The fight for a spouse was supposed to be over the day "I do" is said. The fight for the family replaces it. I couldn't fight OW for my husband because I had no idea she was there and he knew if I knew, he would be history. I did not fight her for him. I never believed any man was worth fighting for. (If she was fighting for him she was fighting herself because I told her to take him and go.) A marriage is possibly worth fighting for but not a man or woman, IMO. I teach my daughters that.
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Old 06-28-2013, 11:05 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by torani View Post
Yep, I agree... I have seen it in real life a lot... The BS and AP fighting over the cheater... instead they should be kicking his hiney to the curb...

Also, I have seen the BS blame the AP or the AP blame the BS and somewhere in the midst of that the cheater becomes the innocent one... Really? In my opinion the BS and AP need to come together and put the blame where it belongs... on the cheater..

Once in college, a very attractive man gave me his phone number, asked me to call him sometime that he would love to take me out on a date.. After a week or so I decided, why not, he was pretty attractive, funny etc...

So I called, his girlfriend answered the phone.. She was angry with me, grilled me about what I thought I was doing calling her man.

So I explained the situation and that I was NOT interested in dating a guy who lies or cheats and I also suggested that she also stand up for herself because this guy is obviously a real loser... Her and I became friends... Turns out that guy NEVER was faithful to her even after the two kids they had. She divorced him many years later... I am still surprised it took her that long to figure out what a loser he was...
That. Unless the AP didn't know he was married/in a relationship, I don't blame BS who gets mad at AP. It's understandable. It's so unfair that (single) AP gets to move on like nothing happened and the BS must deal with the ruins of her marriage. But not to the point that BS rugs sweeping what her WS did and just blamed it on AP. If I must say, majority of blame is on WS, but anger can be divided equally :-) Someone just found out that their spouse is a cheater, they get to be angry even if the AP doesn't like it. They didn't like anyone sleeping with their spouse either, but the AP did it anyway. No double standards please. But the ultimate blame must be on the cheating spouse.

Good that she knew exactly whose fault it was.
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