How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree31Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 06-28-2013, 01:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,215
Default How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?



I would like to know how your children responded to your spouses' affair.
How old were the children?
How did they find out?
Did it play a part in trying to work things out?

I told my 28 year old son about my husband's affair. My son actually knew her because she was once my husband's sec'y. Four years ago during their EA, my son did not confront his Dad.
Recently, when it went to a PA, my son took it hard.

He grew up and matured during the past four years and now has a serious girlfriend which has helped him undertand the give-and-take of a relationship.

He was disgusted with his father's behavior. He lost resepect for him and he told his father.

This time he actually saw my hurt and pain as I shielded him four years ago.

He wondered how and why his Dad could treat his Mom so poorly. (BTW: my son also let ME know my faults as he sees them.)

He was the one who gave my husband the ultimatum:
"It's me or her."

Our son told us if Dad met someone after we were divorced, it would be different but this blank is a home-wrecker.

So, losing my loyal wife of 30 years + losing my only son / child = My Entire Family.

The End? Time will tell !
__________________
Our lives can change with every breath we take.
VeryHurt is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 06-28-2013, 02:27 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Western U.S.
Posts: 705
Default Re: How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?

Two sons here.

My oldest (21 at the time) was very supportive of me (BH) and my ex WW. He would try to help us both feel better, and still does.

My youngest (18 at the time) was more supportive toward my exWW. He was angry that I would want a D. He is finally saying ILY to me again. It was 2+ years ago.

At the time he told me I was blinded by the devil. Lol! Maybe he was influenced by my ex in some of his opinions. Just sayin'.

The betrayal of my exWW toward my son was just as hurtful if not more than her A. I cope with it by knowing that she is a damaged, hurt person, and my son is feeling important by helping her.

I am so grateful it is improving for him and me.
Lovemytruck is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-28-2013, 03:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Well... My house. Of course. Did you think I lived in a tent?
Posts: 204
Default Re: How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?

My daughter was 12 at the time. I still haven't told her. It's not her place to know. That was something between her mother and I.
Malpheous is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-28-2013, 03:20 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 894
Default Re: How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?

21 year old was very upset with her mother for lying to us all.. she's doing better now because we are in R and my wife shows much regret and remorse and is working hard.

19 year old was pretty upset, but saw it as an opportunity perhaps to get me to buy her a car.. like how is this going to impact my life stuff.

16 year old son wanted to know how it would impact dinner that night. He is a special kind of person who would only show emotions if North Korea nuked us, otherwise he just goes with the flow.

I think they are all happy we are trying, because what kids really wouldn't want that..

I never painted her in a bad light other than telling the truth, without going into details.. basically 'mom had a boyfriend and was cheating on me'.. I knew there would be enough loss of respect, disappointment, embarrassment etc.. to go around, I didn't need to pile on. They are kids so they'll bounce back... (21 is a kid to me.. lol)

I'm hoping by making an effort, I'm showing them that I won't go down without a fight. That I'm capable of forgiving and dealing with my problems head on. My concern is that they may perceive me as weak or foolish, so I've spoken with them about my motivations to make sure they are clear that dad is not a doormat, he's a pretty intelligent person that has a handle on what is going on and is in control of the situation.
russell28 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-28-2013, 05:36 PM   #5 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,215
Default Re: How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?

R28 ~

I am also trying to heal from a very deep stab to the heart and it is not easy.

Our son asked us to try "one more time" and I am doing this for him. I don't want to see him on a shrink's couch 20 years from now saying that my life is ruined because my Mom didn't want to try.

My parents divorced after 37 years and my Mom wanted to go to MC and my Dad flatly refused. I still wonder 30 years later, what would have happened if he had gone with her?

BTW:
You are neither weak nor a fool.
You're just trying to keep your family together!
Thank you for sharing.
VH
__________________
Our lives can change with every breath we take.
VeryHurt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-28-2013, 05:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
pollywog's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 264
Default Re: How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?

All 4 of our kids are grown, only one knows and she says to get out now. My youngest daughter knew we had issues but not that he was a cheating liar. Not sure how the other two will take the news once they are told.
pollywog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-28-2013, 06:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 65
Default How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeryHurt View Post

I would like to know how your children responded to your spouses' affair.
How old were the children?
How did they find out?
Did it play a part in trying to work things out?

!
DD was 26, DS was 22, both living back at home at the time.
Ex told them "Me and Mom are splitting up was a while and No it's not about another woman". So I told them both the truth that I asked Dad to move out after I caught him cheating again.
Son was furious for being flat out lied to and didn't speak to him for 6 months. DD tried to keep the peace and comfort Son and I. They are both talking/ seeing Dad now but they are sad. Holidays and family events are just not the same (married 27 years). Really sad for all of us Our DD just told me the other day that Dad is unhappy and depressed (he's living with OW). I told her that I was sorry but he apparently is now paying the price.
Baseballmom6 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-28-2013, 06:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,215
Default Re: How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?

BBM6 ~

Isn't it wonderful that he is "unhappy" with the OW?
What did he expect? Euphoria?

Why he lied to the children was just foolish.

I've discovered that the unfaithful seem to think that everyone around them is clueless and stupid.

As my Mom (RIP) used to say, "What isn't done, isn't found out!"

VH
__________________
Our lives can change with every breath we take.
VeryHurt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-28-2013, 07:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Spain
Posts: 4,156
Default Re: How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeryHurt View Post
Our son asked us to try "one more time" and I am doing this for him. I don't want to see him on a shrink's couch 20 years from now saying that my life is ruined because my Mom didn't want to try.
So did he get rid of OW once again?
__________________
Mal de muchos, consuelo de tontos
Acabado is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-28-2013, 07:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,215
Default Re: How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?



Yes, he did get rid of her HOWEVER we will have to see if he remains loyal and faithful AND continues to go to IC and MC.

He knows all about the NO CONTACT and this has been reinforced ad nauseam.

Our son and every child, no matter if they are 2, 8 or 28 deserve to have parents in which their character is not being questioned.

What did my husband's behavior teach/say to our son?

Perhaps if all spouses take a moment to step back and see how they can potentially harm their children, they would go to MC or at least get a divorce BEFORE they cheat.
__________________
Our lives can change with every breath we take.
VeryHurt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-28-2013, 07:58 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Spain
Posts: 4,156
Default Re: How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?

Something to think. Stopping cheating and reconciling are two different animals. Let's say you try again, MC, the whole nine yards and then your husband or even you decide the marriage is not working anymore and agree to divorce.

What about OW then? As it seems was your son ultimatum what made him stop this with his "OW or me"... do you believe he could accept OW as a legit partner if your husband decide to run to her once the divorce is done? I'm sure you have been thinking about this possibility.
__________________
Mal de muchos, consuelo de tontos
Acabado is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-29-2013, 01:25 AM   #12 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: In misery
Posts: 22
Default Re: How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?

With no other family to speak of.....it's always been the 3 of us... And very tight. Though he is 28. Years old, my son was very hurt and disappointed with his dad.
He's a great guy with high morals and beliefs....very comfortable with himself.
That said...he also feels his childhood ( to a degree) was never what he thought it was. For years, he's constantly commented on lucky he is to have both his parents as all his friends come from divorced parents.... Breaks my heart.
broken30 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-29-2013, 01:41 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mars
Posts: 132
Default Re: How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?

My son is 16. He knows the woman that his father betrayed me with because she's a 10+ year employee of our business. He doesn't really take sides though. He's shocked by his father's behavior and just shakes his head in disbelief and says how wrong it is. I keep asking him if he has any questions and told him he can ask me anything. I worry about him. He's very receptive to my mood changes. I can't hide when Upset because he knows. He told me he can tell within the first 10 seconds of walking into a room, what kind of mood I'm in. He said he can tell if I'm hungry cranky, tired cranky or mad at dad cranky!
Flygirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-29-2013, 12:41 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 54
Default Re: How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?

My kids are 7 and 14. They both know that Dad has been unfaithful with mom's ex-best friend. I haven't told them anything but each have been subjected to it. S14 knew dad was texting her all the time and that he would go over to her house if I wasn't home. D7 actually 'caught' them kissing.
Dad told them he was leaving because we were fighting all the time, but they both seem to know he wanted out because he is having an affair.
They are open with me and I try to answer their questions honestly, but it puts me in a bad situation.
Neither one really wants to see dad much. He phones me and asks if they want to sleep over...I ask them...they say no...I have to tell him that...and he gets mad and accuses me of 'keeping' them from him. I want them to have a relationship with dad, but feel that it should be his responsibility to talk with them and not put it on me to force them to go. Thoughts??
committed1217 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-01-2013, 06:37 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Well... My house. Of course. Did you think I lived in a tent?
Posts: 204
Default Re: How did your children respond to your spouse's infidelity?

I'm curious and this seems like a great place to ask this.

Why, when there's a WS, do some people feel the need to vilify their WS to others? Particularly the children? Is there a gain in that? How does that fit in the sense of Moral High Ground?

Thoughts?
Malpheous is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Who comes first - spouse or children? EnjoliWoman General Relationship Discussion 32 09-25-2012 05:16 PM
How infidelity impacted two children MattMatt Coping with Infidelity 2 06-13-2012 05:06 PM
Children after infidelity what it is Coping with Infidelity 5 01-16-2012 11:12 PM
Priority in marriage: children or spouse? sixteen miles General Relationship Discussion 6 08-07-2011 12:09 PM
spouse's children and his ex's extended family koda The Family & Parenting Forums 2 11-02-2009 05:26 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:55 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage