Tell the other woman!
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-28-2013, 03:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Tell the other woman!

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. I am wrestling with something and would like feedback on whether what I am comtemplating is the right thing to do or just vindictive.

Almost 2 years ago my wife had an affair. It was on/off for at least 6 months. I caught it 4X. To this day she claims it was an emotional(EA) affair. I don't have direct evidence it was physical but I saw emails that strongly suggested the physical part. Since the affair I have held on but close to the end of my rope with the marriage(just had 20 year anniversary). This is mainly due to the fact that she has given little effort to try to improve our marriage. Of course she blamed the state of our marriage as the reason(blame shifting) for having the affair.

I tried confronting the other man several times but he always hid from me. My question is this: For a while now I have thought about contacting his girlfriend of 12 years(and mother of their 2 children) about the affair. I feel she should know the type of person she has her wagon hooked up to. What kind of a role model he is going to be for their children. I've asked myself if I am being vindictive. And sometimes I think "so what?". But I also know if it was me I would want to know.

Thoughts and experiences are welcome. Thank you in advance.

Last edited by 2yearsago; 06-28-2013 at 03:19 PM.
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Old 06-28-2013, 03:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tell the other woman!

This is a no brainer. Of course you contact the girlfriend. By not saying anything to her you are sending a clear message to him that there are no consequences to him for having an affair with your wife.

The girlfriend has a right to know. Why are you even debating this?
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Old 06-28-2013, 03:38 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tell the other woman!

Yes expose the POS. His gf deserves to know.

And if you need more info for yourself to get past this, then demand your wife take a polygraph, and tell her if she refuses then you will consider D and moving on because you can't see yourself forgiving and reconciling if you are not sure what you are forgiving.
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Old 06-28-2013, 03:39 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tell the other woman!

I did, it made me feel better not only because I think she deserved to know what was going on, but because I felt the OM should have to deal with some consequences from his actions and not feel as though he got a free pass.
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Old 06-28-2013, 03:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tell the other woman!

Also, can't help but comment.

Not only is this POS a scumbag, he is a complete p***y. He has the nerve to screw with another man's wife and tear his family's happiness apart but doesn't have the b***s to own up to his actions, so he runs and hides.

Destroy this piece of trash.
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Old 06-28-2013, 03:47 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tell the other woman!

That's what I thought too! He is a total p***y! I was a wreck and I still tried to confront him. He stood me up three times and never answered his phone. Imagine that. I think it has taken me this long to get to the point of making consequences. On both sides.

This guy walks away scot-free after wrecking my life? What kind of messed up logic is that?! I was worried that after 2 years it just looks vindictive but it's never too late to do the right thing.
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Old 06-28-2013, 03:52 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tell the other woman!

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2yearsago View Post
Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. I am wrestling with something and would like feedback on whether what I am comtemplating is the right thing to do or just vindictive.

Almost 2 years ago my wife had an affair. It was on/off for at least 6 months. I caught it 4X. To this day she claims it was an emotional(EA) affair. I don't have direct evidence it was physical but I saw emails that strongly suggested the physical part. Since the affair I have held on but close to the end of my rope with the marriage(just had 20 year anniversary). This is mainly due to the fact that she has given little effort to try to improve our marriage. Of course she blamed the state of our marriage as the reason(blame shifting) for having the affair.

I tried confronting the other man several times but he always hid from me. My question is this: For a while now I have thought about contacting his girlfriend of 12 years(and mother of their 2 children) about the affair. I feel she should know the type of person she has her wagon hooked up to. What kind of a role model he is going to be for their children. I've asked myself if I am being vindictive. And sometimes I think "so what?". But I also know if it was me I would want to know.

Thoughts and experiences are welcome. Thank you in advance.
Friend, it would appear you need more advice on dealing with your wife's lack of remorse than you do on exposing the POSOM.

Of course you expose him! Better late than never. Case closed. And if you didn't expose to her family and your family, that can be corrected too.

Then, when you're ready to talk about your apparent false R with her, we're here.
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Old 06-28-2013, 04:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tell the other woman!

Of course you contact her,she may also have info you want to know.
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Old 06-28-2013, 04:59 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tell the other woman!

Yes! You must tell the other BS.

Just like you would have wanted to know if she had found out about the affair first.

AND if she doesn't want to hear this bad news... it is STILL the right thing to do IMO.
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Old 06-28-2013, 05:46 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tell the other woman!

Yes tell her. Wish there was a spouse to the OW for me to tell.
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Old 06-28-2013, 06:03 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Tell the other woman!

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Yes tell her. Wish there was a spouse to the OW for me to tell.
The OW in my case wasn't married nor had a boyfriend. It didn't stop me from telling her Mother and her adult children and everybody else I came across. I told everyone what a POS home wrecker she was. Probably didn't matter to them but made me feel better. Plus I am sure her family now wonders how long it will be before my Ex does it to her.
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Old 06-28-2013, 06:04 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tell the other woman!

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Originally Posted by 2yearsago View Post
That's what I thought too! He is a total p***y! I was a wreck and I still tried to confront him. He stood me up three times and never answered his phone. Imagine that. I think it has taken me this long to get to the point of making consequences. On both sides.

This guy walks away scot-free after wrecking my life? What kind of messed up logic is that?! I was worried that after 2 years it just looks vindictive but it's never too late to do the right thing.
Are you going to tell her to help her or to punish him?

Cheaterville might be of help, here.
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Old 06-28-2013, 06:10 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tell the other woman!

Can't hurt to try although I wouldn't without some concrete proof. You're not getting anywhere with your wife and it doesn't sound like the OM has the balls to try to stop you.
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Old 06-28-2013, 09:25 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tell the other woman!

I wish someone had told me.
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Old 06-29-2013, 11:53 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by russell28 View Post
I did, it made me feel better not only because I think she deserved to know what was going on, but because I felt the OM should have to deal with some consequences from his actions and not feel as though he got a free pass.


This is exactly how I feel. I never delivered consequences and strongly feel that there should be(no free pass) AND selfishly it will make me feel better to do it.
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