His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-28-2013, 05:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?

Itís been almost two weeks since he has raged. Iím so very confused and now Iím deeply depressed.

Quick Review: In March I had an EA. It was very short lived and I really didnít realize it was happening until it was too late. I donít want to go into a lot of details, and Iím not defending myself, but it was very short and innocent compared to most of everyone here. The reality is that it DID happen. 48 hours after acknowledging to the OM that we were having an EA and should cut it off my H finds out. He raged for weeks after he found out. I kept trying to talk to him and explain what had happened, but he wouldnít hear any of it. What was in his mind is that it was a massive affair. (There were no photos traded, there were no conversations about s#x, there was no arranging to meet each other. There was, however, talk about my husbandís depression, about my kids, fun things each other likes to do, we even played stupid games with each other like 20 questions.) BH raged so badly that one night he tried to pack up my stuff and kick me out and told the kids I didnít love them or him anymore. It was awful. He never hit me, but bullied me into corners, trapped me in the shower, and just yelled 4 inches from my face and then blame me later for setting him off and not listening. This is not who he is. Heís never been this way with me before this. He was depressed, but never raged.

Fast forward a few more weeks. The last rage he had he suggested divorce so I took off my rings; have yet to put them back on. Later that day and through the next couple I went and found an apartment. I set the move for July 5th. I havenít told him yet as I was hoping that he would go back to MC with me or find an IC for himself. Iíve been in therapy this entire time, he went for a few weeks and decided that the therapist just wanted to make it all about him. The therapist witnessed his anger and suggested more IC for him or meds and he went off and fired him. Itís been fun. I apologies and cry a lot. Iím not sleeping hardly at all. My stomach is in knots all the time. Everything hurts. Iím sure he feels even worse. In the past couple weeks he has realized that raging at me only scares me and the kids. It pushes me away further.

Itís almost like heís desperate to be okay now. Heís pretending everything is fine. Heís still refusing to MC or IC, but has started reading some books like ďafter the affairĒ. He has acknowledged that he is depressed and that he treated me very poorly prior to all of this (not that this is an excuse for me, itís not). Hereís my dilemma: he is a good man dealing with some mental health issues. He is depressed. I went and found myself someplace safe in case his rage continued. Heís not well, but heís not raging so know I don't know that I should go. My kids are little. I have planned to rent furniture and take as little from the family home as possible as to not disturb their environment. I need to tell them and BS that Iíll be leaving and I just canít figure out the right words. Iím working on a letter, that I will give him and maybe hold his hand while he reads it. I have a hard time forming words when he gets worked up. I donít want to screw it up. I have no idea how to make him understand. I just want us healthy. We are both depressed at this point. I feel awful. I betrayed him. I betrayed myself (I never thought I was capable of doing this). Iím angry with myself, but also at him for being so mean and neglectful that I ended up here. I have always nurtured us and now I am pulling away because of shame. I still have some emails I saved from the OM and I read them occasionally when I get really depressed. It was so nice to have someone interested in what I have to say, to laugh with, and talk about life. Heís gone, Iím okay with that, and realize itís for the best. I will not reach out to him or anyone else and I feel bad when I read the emails. It tears me up that I ever did, but what Iím left with is a bitter angry hurt man, that I have always loved, but now am pulling away from because of my shame.

I want to go. I want to take this apartment. I want to get better and learn to love and miss him again. If I go I donít know that he will be able to work through the pain and loss and actually see this as a good thing or not. I need to know how to explain my self-doubt and pain so he understands that this is not me just leaving and that I donít blame him for any of this. I did this. I screwed up. I donít know how I can fix it if he wonít MC with me. Thoughts? Do I Stay or Do I Go?
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Old 06-28-2013, 05:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?

Sorry its so long. I can't seem to keep it short. Its also a similar post to my last, but eveyone seemed to have gotten stuck on him being a bully and an abuser, when that's not really who he is. Granted I know I am making excuses for his most recent behavior. Ugh!
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Old 06-28-2013, 05:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?

Arrange to take a polygraph test with input on the questions from your husband.
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Old 06-28-2013, 05:59 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?

I would in a heartbeat, but I think we are past that point. Now that he's has raged its more about do i stay or go.
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Old 06-28-2013, 06:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Awishforjoy View Post
I would in a heartbeat, but I think we are past that point. Now that he's has raged its more about do i stay or go.
Do you fear him? If so, a break for the two of you might help.

Have you cheated on him before?

Is there any reason (valid or not) that makes him think your affair was longer than it was and/or physical?
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Old 06-28-2013, 06:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?

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Do you fear him? If so, a break for the two of you might help.
I do fear his being unpredictable right now. I fear he might rage again, but so far he's not. He's ex-military and has an amazing yelling voice.

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Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
Have you cheated on him before?
Never! Never! Never! And not only am I sad that I did, but I'm destroyed that I allowed myself. It's not part of my personality. I've always been the strongest loyalist one of anyone I know... next to him that is.

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Is there any reason (valid or not) that makes him think your affair was longer than it was and/or physical
At first he thought it was physical, but then after reading through the emails, he realized this person lived in another state. He was able to track calls and texts and he could see exactly when it began and ended. It was 4 weeks. I'm one of those people that just can't hide anything. Ask me a question and I tell you the truth. If I even try to lie it shows. He knew when it was happening because I was happy (kinda a sad thought), and when it was over because I was sad and withdrawn.

I regret it very much, but I gotta say... I miss feeling happy. I want to feel happy with my husband. It's all I ever wanted.
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Old 06-28-2013, 06:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?

I'm a BH with anger issues and a semi-drinking problem and I find his behavior unacceptable. Even if you want to stay with him I suggest you file for D anyway, its not it will happen over night and you can stop it at anytime. Let him get served and explain to him how sorry you are for what you did and how you hurt him and that you are more than willing to attempt to make it up to him and R. But under no circumstances will abuse towards you be tolerated. No more getting in your face, no more pinning you to walls or backing you into a corner, and damn sure no more outburst in front of the kids. He has to get his a## some IC and get on some anti-depressants and restart MC. If he can't do these I don't see how you are going to R and you'll just be delaying the inevitable anyway.

I personally would leave. I can't stand guys who put their hands on women whatever the reason.
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Old 06-28-2013, 06:53 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?

I think you should leave. At the very least, the behavior is very scary to the kids.
TAKE THE BABIES WITH YOU.
Honestly, the EA was mild to say the very least. The rages do not seem in proportion to the "crime".

I agree with the things "refused to be played" says.
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Old 06-28-2013, 07:19 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?

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I think you should leave. At the very least, the behavior is very scary to the kids.
TAKE THE BABIES WITH YOU.
Honestly, the EA was mild to say the very least. The rages do not seem in proportion to the "crime".

I agree with the things "refused to be played" says.


Go but don't leave the babies behind.

Tell him once again of your sorrow. Tell him too, that it's not the end but you both need to reflect on the future. Add that he should seek IC and you will too.

You may want to alert one of his close friends - or a relative -to lend him support.

Offer too, to have a date night or three once you both start IC.
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Old 06-28-2013, 09:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?

You cheated on your husband, it's as simple as that....You were attracted to another man and made some bad decisions......

Your husband had every right to be angry....Wouldn't you be?

You say he is suffering from depression, but instead of a supporting wife, you give him an EA.....

If you found out last March that your husband was sending hundreds of texts to a mysterious other woman, perhaps exchanging "I love you's" and other love talk, perhaps talking about a meeting, would you have been "Pissed off"??????

He has every right to be very angry...

The new problem is how he is dealing with that anger. From your post, It looks like he really hit the ceiling.....How many of these RAGES did he have? You describe 2....

How much of your wanting to leave is due to a real fear that he is going to get worse, and how much is due to you actually wanting to leave in the first place, or was the EA really the first step on the path to an exit affair?

Your husband is not the first BS to suggest divorce after an EA, so I find it troubling that you immediately took off your wedding rings......

All things considered, only you can decide if you need to leave to be safe, but either way I think you need to do some soul searching and be honest with yourself......

I get the feeling that if you walk, you will not come back....

Do you really want this marriage to succeed, or are you really looking for an excuse to end it? When you ask yourself these questions, be sure to factor in "affair fog", since you are still re-reading your AP's emails...

This conduct alone is worthy of a DD2 if your husband finds out...Are you truly remorseful about your EA.....

good luck
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Old 06-28-2013, 09:19 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?

I am always the big softie, always hoping for a happy R, and everyone living happily ever after.....BUT

I find this post to be strangely troubling...

I have seen dozens of betrayed spouses, men and women, crying their hearts out about how they were betrayed by their SO......words like heartbroken, crushed, hopeless, self-loathing, impotent are used....

I think this is the first post I have seen where a WW has an EA and comes on the board looking for sympathy because there SO got REALLY mad.......

I wonder how many betrayed spouses yelled a lot on D day.....

I know I would....

In this case, only the WW knows if she is really in any physical danger.....And of course that is of primary importance, but I am surprised at the amount of sympathy she has gotten so far......

I guess a damsel in distress can always find a KISA...

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Old 07-01-2013, 12:04 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I am very regretful. He has raged about 7 or 8 times. I took the rings off because it was the third time he suggested that I leave/divorce. I have maintained since day one that I didn’t want to leave, but wanted to work this out. Since he suggested it so many times knowing I wouldn’t leave, I thought this might make it more real. It did and he’s not raged since. In saying that I fear putting them back on will give him control to rage again.

I never went looking for an EA. It wasn’t till the end when we realized how much time we were spending talking that we had an issue. Once we did we ended it. The only reason I’ve gone back to reread those first few emails is because it’s the last time I felt human. I’ve been unhappy, anxious, and depressed since my BH found out. Actually before he found out when we (OM and I) realized what was happening. I hadn’t felt human before the EA either because BH was in a very deep depression and treated me very poorly. Yea, I know BS’s yell. I know sometimes they throw things. I know they sometimes say things they don’t mean. There comes a point that their seething anger can destroy any hope the WS has left. His rage sent me into a horrible state where I felt like I deserved it and should endure his punishments, which is why I’ve stayed, even after he told my children I don’t love them. After weeks of “I love you, let’s work on this” and “I hate you, you *****” I just don’t know how I’m supposed to feel anymore. For the past two weeks he has stopped raging, but the last day that he last did I hit my limit. I was on my way to work and started thinking “if I were to just drive into that poll” and I realized that these were the worst thoughts I could have. If his rage was making me feel like things would just be easier if I were gone or hurt then I have a problem. So I went and found an apt that afternoon. I should have just moved then. It would have been so much easier. I love this man and he has not raged since, but he still refuses IC or MC.

I don’t know if I’m still in the “fog” or not. I almost left prior to the EA because of how he was acting. I can honestly say that I believe nothing would ever happen with the OM. Nothing! My wanting to leave is a mix of things. First I don’t know if I’m in physical danger with this man or not. I’ve never seen him rage like that before and it was crazy scary. Second, I’m still dealing with the neglectful, disrespectful, unloving treatment from before the EA that made me feel empty to begin with. And lastly, if I was so empty and alone feeling to reach out for an EA not realizing what I was doing… How do I know it won’t happen again? Well, I do know it won’t, but I feel so guilty I’m concerned that there is always a chance (this EA was absolutely not intended and I had NO IDEA till it was too late).

Ultimately, I want to love this man and have him love me with all our hearts again. So much has happened in the past year and I’m still feeling very empty and hollow. I am very remorseful, but I’m also a human and deserve to be loved and respected. As does he. If he won’t commit to MC then how do I know we can fix this? At what point am I allowed to feel again? I get his anger, I am angry at myself, but rage is never an excuse.
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Old 07-01-2013, 12:17 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?

I wonder how accurate your perception of reality is. Are you accurately perceiving how bad things were before the EA? Were you really ready to leave before the EA? Did you really not know what you were doing when you started a close friendship with another man?

A lot of what you're writing here reads to me like rationalization, an attempt to save face, and to shift blame. I agree that your husband's reaction sounds terrible. However, it's interesting that you put up with for seven or eight episodes, and then he stops, and suddenly it was episode eight that really sealed things for you.

I don't know where you're really at, but give yourself a good hard look. It's not evil or wrong to just not want to be married anymore, but if that's what you want, YOU need to own it and you need to make it clear, and stop dragging this out--for the sake of your children and your husband.

If you want the marriage to continue, you both need counseling, and in your husband's case psychiatric treatment for his depression.
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Old 07-01-2013, 12:21 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?

You should be patient. Wait for his decision. You made this mess, so you should deal with the natural consequences. And these consequences are very natural. He's probably going to say things he doesn't mean, because he is hurting in a way you can't understand. So endure it.
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Old 07-01-2013, 12:23 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?

It sure seems like you use the term "rage" a lot when describing your betrayed spouse. That's kind of off-putting in my book. It's like you totally minimize your affair and are trying to make him look like the bad one. And...you've done that successfully here at TAM it would seem by the responses you have gotten.

You still have the emails?! Good grief.
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