His Depression, My EA, Do I stay or do I GO?
Itís been almost two weeks since he has raged. Iím so very confused and now Iím deeply depressed.
Quick Review: In March I had an EA. It was very short lived and I really didnít realize it was happening until it was too late. I donít want to go into a lot of details, and Iím not defending myself, but it was very short and innocent compared to most of everyone here. The reality is that it DID happen. 48 hours after acknowledging to the OM that we were having an EA and should cut it off my H finds out. He raged for weeks after he found out. I kept trying to talk to him and explain what had happened, but he wouldnít hear any of it. What was in his mind is that it was a massive affair. (There were no photos traded, there were no conversations about s#x, there was no arranging to meet each other. There was, however, talk about my husbandís depression, about my kids, fun things each other likes to do, we even played stupid games with each other like 20 questions.) BH raged so badly that one night he tried to pack up my stuff and kick me out and told the kids I didnít love them or him anymore. It was awful. He never hit me, but bullied me into corners, trapped me in the shower, and just yelled 4 inches from my face and then blame me later for setting him off and not listening. This is not who he is. Heís never been this way with me before this. He was depressed, but never raged.
Fast forward a few more weeks. The last rage he had he suggested divorce so I took off my rings; have yet to put them back on. Later that day and through the next couple I went and found an apartment. I set the move for July 5th. I havenít told him yet as I was hoping that he would go back to MC with me or find an IC for himself. Iíve been in therapy this entire time, he went for a few weeks and decided that the therapist just wanted to make it all about him. The therapist witnessed his anger and suggested more IC for him or meds and he went off and fired him. Itís been fun. I apologies and cry a lot. Iím not sleeping hardly at all. My stomach is in knots all the time. Everything hurts. Iím sure he feels even worse. In the past couple weeks he has realized that raging at me only scares me and the kids. It pushes me away further.
Itís almost like heís desperate to be okay now. Heís pretending everything is fine. Heís still refusing to MC or IC, but has started reading some books like ďafter the affairĒ. He has acknowledged that he is depressed and that he treated me very poorly prior to all of this (not that this is an excuse for me, itís not). Hereís my dilemma: he is a good man dealing with some mental health issues. He is depressed. I went and found myself someplace safe in case his rage continued. Heís not well, but heís not raging so know I don't know that I should go. My kids are little. I have planned to rent furniture and take as little from the family home as possible as to not disturb their environment. I need to tell them and BS that Iíll be leaving and I just canít figure out the right words. Iím working on a letter, that I will give him and maybe hold his hand while he reads it. I have a hard time forming words when he gets worked up. I donít want to screw it up. I have no idea how to make him understand. I just want us healthy. We are both depressed at this point. I feel awful. I betrayed him. I betrayed myself (I never thought I was capable of doing this). Iím angry with myself, but also at him for being so mean and neglectful that I ended up here. I have always nurtured us and now I am pulling away because of shame. I still have some emails I saved from the OM and I read them occasionally when I get really depressed. It was so nice to have someone interested in what I have to say, to laugh with, and talk about life. Heís gone, Iím okay with that, and realize itís for the best. I will not reach out to him or anyone else and I feel bad when I read the emails. It tears me up that I ever did, but what Iím left with is a bitter angry hurt man, that I have always loved, but now am pulling away from because of my shame.
I want to go. I want to take this apartment. I want to get better and learn to love and miss him again. If I go I donít know that he will be able to work through the pain and loss and actually see this as a good thing or not. I need to know how to explain my self-doubt and pain so he understands that this is not me just leaving and that I donít blame him for any of this. I did this. I screwed up. I donít know how I can fix it if he wonít MC with me. Thoughts? Do I Stay or Do I Go?