feylovelyheart

HI all...

I don't know if I can say that my H is cheating on me. what do you think?

My H has agrophobia so he barely goes out. He has been inside the house for a year without going out. Due to that, He spends almost his time in internet. Reading an article and chatting with his friends.

The problem is...

You can say that 90% of his online friends are females. He has this rules for me..."I couldn't talk to guys even in internet"...but yet he spends almost his time talking to the girls in internet. I even aware that almost all of his friends don't know that he is married and I am aware that he always tells them that he is single man where in fact he is married man with three kids (two from his previous married).

If I said something about it, he always said that they are only friends and they don't need to know that he is married but if I am the one who talks to a man and if I don't tell them that I am married, he accused me for cheating on him.

All this time, I didn't complain about him talking to girls. I let him doing it but I feel offended if he doesn't tell them the truth if he is married. I feel that he is too embarrased to acknowledge me as his wife..as if he is ashamed to have me as a wife.

Lately..he is being so secretive. he always deletes any text messages that he gets from the girls or any messages that he sends them (he never does it before since he always open up about this matter so that I have no suspicious about it. but now..)

He even told me not to pick up the phone because he's afraid that the girls who call don't know if he is married. Even one day..he accused me for emailing one of the girl because one of them found out that he has kid (which it turned out he accidently sent his photograph to her with our son in the background. Even though he edited it to cover it up but apparently it didn't work). he was so piss and he threw the fan toward me. and I was speechless because I really didn't understand his accusation because I never send them anything and I even don't have their email addres.

I really don't know what he is up to? why he is acting up like that. Do you have idea?

swedish

He sounds controlling and abusive. Sounds like he is overly paranoid about you cheating because of what he is doing...even if he doesn't leave the home, asking you to keep your marriage a secret and not answer the phone is ridiculous...I have no idea whether he does this because of his isolation or if he would do this anyway, but I don't think it matters 'why'....it's totally disrespectful to you, his wife.

dobo

??? Don't pick up the phone? What kind of nonsense is that?

Sven

I got this far in your message:

And it is immediately apparant that YES THIS IS A PROBLEM.

Tell him he must stop or you're done.

crazybunnie25

To me he is not physically cheating on you but emotionally he is. My ex husband started to do so and it became physical after I confronted him about how he does not talk to me anymore. Things didnt work out for us because he decided not to stop.

Maybe confront him about how this is bothering you. Ask him how would he like it if you are doing the same thing? But do make an effort to show that he is hurting you emotionally.

Maybe it is time for you to step up a bit and take the kids and stay with family if you can not handle the way he is anymore.

But ask yourself before you converse with him. Can you live with him if he doesn't stop what he is doing? Are you willing to put alot of work to make your family life better?

Everything takes the both of you to work though this. So make sure you want to work this out before starting.

Betty

He is abusive and controlling. Throwing something at you because you are expressing concern and hurt is not okay. He also has no right to say you cannot do something that he is doing. He obviously does not live by the golden rule that you should treat others the way you would like to be treated.

To me if you have friends you discuss life with them. When you are married that is definitely part of your life. If they do not know he is married then he is going out of his way to keep it a secret. What he is doing is detrimental to your marriage and your emotional health. But to be very very blunt and answer your main question, yes he is cheating on you. Cheating doesn't have to be just physical. There are so many other aspect to a relationship that are specially shared just between two spouses and when one of them takes that elsewhere that is still cheating.

feylovelyheart

I did tell him that he must stop because it bothers me over time but he said that I was ridiciluos because they are only his friends. He called me a *****y wife because I was being jeolus for no reason.

feylovelyheart

I did confront him but it didn't do any good. He won't listen. Even when I asked him how would he feel if I do the same and he only said "don't you dare!" I told him many times how much he's hurting me but he doesn't react to it. In fact he plays as a victim. He always said that He had through this before and this is time for me to feel how He felt. Apparently he did this because two of his previous wife did this to him. I told him that I never did that to him...that I am not his ex-s. I never cheat on him. this is my first marraige so I feel that he is being unfair toward me because he takes revengen on me for something his exs did.

Maybe it is time for you to step up a bit and take the kids and stay with family if you can not handle the way he is anymore.

Well this would be hard since we live in my mom's house. I don't have any where else to go and he has no one in this country. He only has me.

Can you live with him if he doesn't stop what he is doing? Are you willing to put alot of work to make your family life better?

I asked myself about this over and over and I just don't know if I could. I even don't know if It's worth it to be in this marraige because he seems embarasse to have me as a wife but when I asked him to end this marriage then he said that He doesn't want to do that. In fact if I dare to leave him, he would take my son away. I just don't know what to do.

RacehorseChick

find yourself a nice keylogger for the computer. i did that. found out a LOOOOOT of stuff that way. and he doesnt have to know its on there. someone posted something about a keylogger in another thread in this section of the forum. check that out because someone posted a good keylogger link on there.

i love it... it shows me all passwords, websites, IMs, e-mails, etc. even if he tries to delete his history or anything. i can keep my eye on him then, without him knowing. (though i did tell him its on there after i had to confront him about some talking he was doing.... )

cody5

You left a little of that detail about the trust in YOUR young relationship out of your post. Move on RC.

RacehorseChick

theres a problem with wanting answers?

cody5

Not at all. But add that to your thread and it adds GREATLY to the story.

Sven

You need a LAWYER. He doesn't know what *****y is yet. Since you told him to stop and he didn't, drop the hammer on him. Get a divorce attorney and tell him he's gone if he continues one more day.

feylovelyheart

I don't know how many times I told him this. Everytime we fight, I told him that it's better that if we got divorce but he always threat me that he will take my son away and I can't let that to happen. Things are complicated between us. Even though he always threat me that he will divorce me but he never does.

I know that I am such a weak person. I am not brave enough to take an action. I was thinking to get away from him many times but I didn't have enough courage to leave him. Evertime I made my mind about leaving him, I always thought about who is going to take care of him when I am gone, who is going to cook for him, wash his clothes since all this time I am the one who take care of everything. I just couldn't imagine how he would be like if I am not here with him but at the same time I couldn't live like this. It's not only because he is talking to another girls but also the way he treats me. I feel like I failed as a wife and it really breaks my heart to realize this.