There is time that I feel I shouldn't even work on getting the relationship better. Most of the time it is because I just blocked soo much out that I can't see what is around me. Things got worst when I found out he cheated on me again, so the relationship was not meant to last.
Everything takes time. Also it depends on the level of her depression.
I have bi-polar(which is not fully studied, and I think everyone has it). My bi-polar is only manic depending on my surroundings. I get depressed when there is too much negative things going on and if I continue to think negatively.
So try to stay positive as much as possible. She needs that too. Then again EVERYONE needs to be positive and happy :-)
The 'cheating on me again' thing is really hard. I think my wife never really ended the affair until it was crystal clear that her life with me and the kids would be OVER. She wanted a home life and an affair at the same time. I was foolish to not get the lawyer the first time...because I believed her when she said it was over.
My wife got really good at lying. The first time I caught her, she could not lie at all. The fourth time, she stuck to her story for hours until I finally cornered her with facts. She swore up and down it was over and was very convincing.
She has been telling me that I haven't made enough physical contact with her. Last night I tried to cuddle with her - just slide up to her in bed. She freaked - I was 'too cold'. I told her that I'd warm her up if she was cold. Nope, she didn't want me near. Remember - she sleeps fully dressed.
That hurt a lot. I get more affection from the cat than I do from her.
Yesterday I joined the Shriners. All of the other men were there with their wives. Mine had a hair appointment. Oh well. Everyone kept asking me and I just told them she had other plans. They push and push and it just wears me down and I have to walk away.
That hurt a lot. I get more affection from the cat than I do from her.
I'm having a hard time following you. On the one hand you say your wife is comitted to rebuilding, but on the other hand you don't write much about specific ACTIONS she is doing to rebuild.
Typically, a wayward spouse needs to rebuild safety/trust with you through being transparent with her actions (access to cell records, email accounts, etc), being affectionate (you want to feel like she's chosen you, not settled for you), and voluntary disclosure for facts (betrayed spouses usually have an intense desire to "know" details - what, when, how things happened to unravel the lies and figure out what was true).
I included a link in a previous post. Has she read this info there? There's also some books that are helpful: Not Just Friends, After the Affair, etc. Has she read any of these?
My fear for you is that things slip into a malaise, where she isn't working very hard, and the relationship just coasts indefinitely. My view is that the marriage problems are 50/50, the affair is 100% on her, and she needs to understand that restoring trust and your faith in her is the FIRST thing that needs to happen to allow the other marriage issues to get dealt with.
Her being passive in the recovery isn't a commitment to you, so much as a lack of commitment to leaving.
The link was helpful to me. She is not reading anything - not even these forums anymore. I don't know why.
Originally Posted by seeking sanity
My fear for you is that things slip into a malaise, where she isn't working very hard, and the relationship just coasts indefinitely.
Swish - nothing but net. That so nails where we're at. The path is clear, but I don't want to go there. So I've convinced myself that I'll wait for the kids to grow up and then see where we are at. It has the advantage of keeping the home together for the kids AND giving her lots of time to get herself together. The cost is emotional pain for me.
We still love and need each other....but living like this sucks.
1. Endure and try to minimize your unhappiness by filling your life with other things.
2. Lead by example. Be the catalyst for a better relationship. Romance her, be a model, loving husband, and hope she reengages. (I tried this one for a while, and found it beyond humiliating that I was making a bunch of effort to win back a cheating W.) This is REALLY hard to pull off because you have to totally remove your own needs/ego. I wasn't man enough to be able to sustain it.
3. Leave the marriage. Sorry, we tried, couldn't get past the pain. I'm not willing to be a 2nd choice to anyone, kind of thing.
I eventually opted for 3 after trying 2. Often wish she somehow could have stepped up in a serious way. Moving on and mostly okay. Divorce does suck tho.
Guilt can be a horrible thing. It can eat away at you it can drive you to hate yourself so much. I have watched it do that to my husband. I have also watched his appearance change as well. Instead of telling him I couldn't have sex with him because he was not attractive I tried to help him realize that he wasn't happy the way he is.
I know your wife has hurt you and you are hurt I have been there too. But to me if you are there and you are married still then you need to put forth an honest effort. I know this sounds unfair after everything you have been through but honestly if you don't why are you there?
You may not love the way your wife looks right now but she needs to be renforced that she is truely worth love. Her self esteems is low her love for herself is low. She might have fixed herself up for the other guy but I bet he was giving her positive feedback. Different things motivate different people. When my husband cheated I went shopping crazy that was how I blocked it out right now she is blocking it out by food I am guessing its an addiction. Just like the affair was an addiciton by the sounds of it.
If she has any self hate right now then you need to help her with it. As her partner you take her for better or worse and right now she is at her worst. One thing that helps me love myself after my husband cheated was to join a gym. What about the two of you joining together going together spending that time together.
I know first hand how hard it is to put forth an effort. I used to think why should I he didn't for over a year. But I think it will only work if you both grab eachother and jump in fully.
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If she is turning you down then I would watch out. I'm thinking she starting to be selfish. Meaning she only cares for herself. I was like that for some time and my exhusband couldn't take it anymore and cheated on me.
I would give her another month to try to work with you on getting together, if she doesn't. She going to need to be pushed just enough so you can be heard and she must feel you.
Remind her that you want to work things out, but she has rejected you way to much. You are at the point that you might just as well divorce her. Or make a plan of being married but living seperated lives.
My father told me when I was 16 years old that when I turn 18 he and mom are divorcing. I knew it was going to happen someday but I had to see them fight and yell so much. It still hurts me til this day. I'm 25 years old and I'm afraid of relationships because of my parents and my past.
Adding the fact that I'm easily depressed. Yep I'm screwed all the way around.
A couple of things that I think you could think about. Number 1 is for you to figure out how to feel good about who you are as a man without having to get your self worth from your wife. What I mean by that is that as long as you keep looking back at what happened, and using her failures as a measuring stick for your own self worth, you will be hurting and miserable.
What has helped me more than anything to overcome the intense pain of my wife's infidelity, is building myself up mentally and spiritually. I know that I am worthy of being loved because God loves me. I know that I am a valuable human being because of what the Bible says about me. Of course I want to know that my wife loves me. Of course I want to feel valuable because of her commitment to me. But as long as I base my self worth on what she or any other human being feels about me, I am setting myself up for potential pain and suffering.
You say that you are a Christian. Do you really know what it means to be loved by God? Do you really think about where your true worth comes from? I believe that if you can get that settled, you will be more secure around your wife, and then you will have the strength to lift her up. Right now it sounds to me like you are both trying to get something from each other that neither of you can give. You are both completely depleted because your ability to love is based on how the other one treats you. If you are secure in who you are as a child of God, you can get your "love tank" filled back up. Because as long as your love tank is empty, she can never feel loved by you and vice versa.
The second thing is this: Does your wife know that God forgives her. I have found in my relationship struggles that as soon as I forgave my wife, we went to the Bible and made sure that she understood that she is forgiven by God. That had more positive impact on her than anything else. Her counselor also emphasized God's forgiveness to her. If a person does not feel forgiveness from God, it is difficult to forgive yourself and it is difficult to change if not impossible.