This is my introduction to the forums, in a way. After reading your forums for a couple of weeks, it’s obvious I belong here! This is a wall of text, but I feel compelled to write it all down. Don’t feel obligated to read it all if you don’t want to.
My best friend introduced my wife and I to each other in 1988. We were engaged two weeks later. We married six months after the engagement. Both of us are Christians and lived with our parents’ right up until the day we got married, so we had never lived with another person. I was still a virgin, though she was not (I knew that, and it was not a problem for me.)
Living together for the first time was shocking – there is so much to work on and mediate! Little things like using paper or cloth towels to clean a mirror…is it really a big deal? It is if you’re married. One of the hardest things for me to deal with has been my wife’s preference for sleeping fully dressed and wrapped up in a comforter like a cocoon. I absolutely hate it. For 21 years I’ve had the sheets and blankets all to myself. This was not the way I imagined my married life.
I should point out that I’m a traditionalist about marriage. I kept my virginity until our wedding night. And I do not believe in divorce! The Bible mentions one exception, and I’ll get to that later. But the entire concept of marriage not working was (and is) foreign to me. I’m totally committed to staying with this woman until one of us is planted.
At age 20, I set three goals for my life to reach by 30: Get married, have children and make my age ($30K). I’m blessed to say I hit all three, though the child part took a while. We held off on pregnancy for the first two years, and then began trying. For three years we tried to get pregnant. It’s easy to think “Oh that’s fun!” but sex turned into just another chore. “We haven’t had sex tonight, let’s do it before we fall asleep.” We had sex to the point of killing the joy. But it worked. If I had turned 30 without her being pregnant, I was going to see a doctor, but we made it.
After our first child was born we decided to immediately start on a second. We didn’t want to wait two or three years to start again and have it take another three years. But it happened right away and our two daughters are 13 months apart.
When the children were small, my wife did not respond very well. I can’t really describe it. She was a good mom – attentive to the kids and taking care of them – but she just wasn’t happy with them and would make irrational statements about how a baby “should know not to do that”. When the kids reached school age, my wife just blossomed into a fantastic mom. I think it is because she could actually have two way conversations with them.
When our first child was in second grade, the school informed us that they had diagnosed her with Autistism (Asperger’s syndrome). That is tough news to take. But we pulled together, worked with the school district’s professionals and got her the help she needed. Now she’s a bratty 15 year old! My wife and I worked well together on this issue.
As the kids got older we had the same marriage issues as everyone else. We were tired, money was always tight, the kids came first, etc. I knew what would happen from speaking with other parents, so it wasn’t unexpected and we just dealt with it.
Throughout all of 2006 my wife was acting very strange. Looking back, I realize it started when she had gone out with some people from work, came home late and said she regretted drinking and wouldn’t do that again. However, she kept going out after work and said it was fun. She even told me they played pool, had a drink and generally enjoyed the evening.
I thought this was fantastic! My wife had some of her own friends and was happy. I even bought her a very nice pool cue for her birthday. The problem was – she wasn’t happy. She cried all the time. When I asked what was wrong, her reply was “I can’t tell you”. I would push her a little, but not to the point of a fight so I’d drop the discussion. It got to the point where she’d come home crying and I’d tell her “I pray every day for you to find happiness”….she’d just cry more.
Her behavior at home was strange too. She spent a lot of time in the garage talking on the phone. At one point she actually asked me if should could quit her job. During our marriage we had NEVER had sex in the car – one time we parked by the side of the road and started…then she just broke into tears. I thought I was hurting her (it was NOT the easiest or most comfortable sex to try…). It never occurred to me that this could be bringing up guilty feelings. Several times she would leave the house at 10:00 PM telling me a coworker wanted to talk over coffee. I look back now and realize how silly that was, as she wouldn’t even go up the block to get food if she was hungry.
She changed her appearance too. As married couples do, we had let ourselves go and were ‘casual’ with our appearance. But she lost weight and starting wearing nice clothes and putting on makeup, changed her hair color to blond and just was much sexier. And she came home one day with a new tattoo on her lower back…that was a surprise.
We went without sex for much of this time. Around Halloween she had a wild idea of buying a costume and getting crazy on me. That lasted about two weeks (and was a lot of fun). After that little adventure we went back to sex rarely happening.
Then one Friday – Feb. 9th, 2008 – I confronted her with this comment…”If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I’m going to assume the worst.” That is what did it. The dam broke and she confessed a 15 month affair with a guy at work.
She was not expecting my reaction. Instead of being angry, I looked at what I could do! Immediately I stopped all activity that didn’t involve her. I had my own friends that I would hang out with and I played World of Warcraft a lot (That came to an immediate END.) I’ve always thought that the only person I can control is myself, so I needed to figure out what I needed to do. I tried to make myself more appealing to her, evening trading in my Aztek for a new Mustang! (Which made people think I was going through a mid-life crisis, or even having an affair myself.)
The next day we went out to eat and just cried until snot was dripping out of our faces. The waiter insisted that if the food was too spicy we could send it back. We told him it was fine, just leave us alone. No, he said he’d bring the manager over to fix it. Fortunately we got our check and left.
The following day was Sunday. We went to church and it was a disaster. We sat in church with about 2,000 other people just balling our eyes out. I’m still so shocked over it that I haven’t been back. (That’s one of the obstacles I’ve still got in front of me to cross. But I will.)
I did not have anyone to talk to about this. She wanted the affair to remain a secret to our family members and friends. At first I respected this, but over time I just needed somebody to talk to. We worked on our relationship – she admitted that the events over Halloween were her efforts to spark something between us (and that means EVERYTHING to me). Unfortunately, she didn’t end the affair. I actually caught her again in April 2008 by looking at her phone records.
This time she wanted a divorce. But get this – she expected me to move out and leave her with the house and kids….and she was going to move the other guy in! I actually considered this…for about 15 seconds. It just chapped my ass to think of spending my whole adult life building towards my goal of a family, home and career and just walking away to let some other P.O.S. take over. One part of me wanted to run far away and start over, but no, I am keeping the house. The kids stay with the house, which means me. If anyone was leaving, it was her.
I actually talked to the guy once, on the phone. I was fed up and had nothing to lose, so despite her pleading with me not to I called him from her phone and told him to leave her alone, never deal with us again, and he’d never hear from me. The thought of us living together, staying married for the kids and she having an affair while I knew about it was just the end of the line for me. His response was to threaten me and cuss me out. My wife liked this however – I had stood up for her. He chewed her out for it and she realized what a piece of trash he really is. (I’m leaving a lot of stuff out here.)
Well that did it. She changed her tune and wanted to work on the marriage. Again we kept the affair secret. We went to counseling, sometimes twice a week. I decided that I needed to talk with friends so let a select few know what was happening. This bothered her, but not very much. I was in terrible pain of this and discovered playing World of Warcraft wasn’t as responsible for the situation as I thought it was. In fact, it actually helps me deal with the hurt because when I am playing WoW I am not thinking of anything else.
I remember the very first question the therapist asked me: “Do you feel like hurting the other man.” It shocked me in a way – preventing me from killing him was more important, I guess. I did think of it, but realized that my spending my life in jail wasn’t going to fix the relationship or help my kids either. And there’s that whole “Going to Hell” thing too.
Speaking of death, I admit to thoughts of suicide. I had never understood how people can decide to kill themselves. Now I understand. At some point you can just hurt so bad that you are done with life. I reached that decision point but realized things would get better and that my kids would need me. And there’s that whole “Going to Hell” thing again. For a short time there I was in a frame of mind that if somebody had cut me off on the road, I’d have hit him. It’s scary thinking back to that as I write this.
Then in June I went out to the garage and heard her van running in the driveway (the garage door was closed). I stood there listening to it, but it was strange to me that she wasn’t opening the door. So I hit the button and up it came. She just drove in like nothing happened….but I suspected again.
That night I searched the van and found a cell phone charger that didn’t match her phone. Not good. I managed to get into her purse – which she was keeping beside the bed instead of in the kitchen as usual – and guess what? She had another cell phone. The only number in it was this other guy….
Busted a third time, I made her tell the kids. This was important to me because I wanted them to know it wasn’t me causing all of this. It really shook her and I was convinced the affair was finally over.
But it wasn’t.
The final act was performed in August – on our 20th anniversary. She told me the day before that she had to stay after work for an all-hands meeting and wouldn’t be home until late. Uh huh. She went on a ‘date night’ with the other guy. The next day I confronted her. My wife had just spent our 20th anniversary having sex with another guy…even after being CAUGHT three times.
Well that was it. I went to a lawyer. I waited to tell her this until we were sitting in our counseling session. She absolutely freaked. The therapist asked me to leave. Several hours later I was called and told my wife was in the hospital. I’ll leave out the details, but this was very ugly – she ended up being handcuffed at the hospital and driven in a police car to a mental hospital for a forced stay.
That finally did it. I have been diligent in checking on her and she has not seen this guy at all. He tried to contact her at work via email, but she actually called the police and had them make it clear he wasn’t to contact her again. As best as I can tell, there has been no further contact for over a year.
In October, 2008 I was hit by a teenage driver running a red light. As I was flying out of control through the intersection towards the Ford Expedition that would stop my momentum, with the driver’s side door caved into my body, it occurred to me that I was ready to die. I yelled out to God. For the very first time in my life I felt at peace. My only regret would be not to be there for my kids as they become adults, but they’d manage. But I lived and fortunately was not hurt bad. That Mustang saved my life.
While was being cut out of the car, all I could think of was to have someone call my wife. For two hours I was in the emergency room alone and I just wanted her. A police officer went to the house and got her. When she showed up all I wanted to do was hold her.
She is not well. This whole series of events makes more sense if I look at it as her having a mental illness. My wife is sick and needs to heal. Also, when I went to the lawyer I had finally crossed that line in my mind and spirit where I was accepting the concept of divorce, which was extremely hard for me. And I don’t want a divorce, but Jesus specifically gives an exception for adultery. Does He mean I must divorce? Or is it an option? Can I wait until the kids are grown and then do it? Why is it so unclear now? Maybe divorce is acceptable to some, but for me this is a concept I have lived my whole life determined is not an option. I think that possibility actually hurts more than the affair.
It’s been over a year since the affair ended, and 21 months since I found out. For some reason, I expected forgiveness to work by now. We are getting along well and even took a trip to England, where we spent our 21st anniversary. That was very awkward for me and she knows it, but we had a great time and great memories.
We have not had sex since March. She has completely let herself go and gained a ton of weight. It wouldn’t matter except she just is not physically attractive and the last two times we had sex it did not go well. I’d rather just masturbate and wait for her to decide if she wants to lose weight.
A couple of weeks ago she told me that she wanted sex. Here’s another moral issue for me – I believe that a husband and wife should NOT deny sex to each other! (She did that to me for our whole marriage.) I have never said ‘No’ to her until now. This is sinful in my opinion and very much a problem for me.
I discussed it with her and told her my only option at this point if she continues to want sex was the divorce. She understands and withdrew her request for sex (though I know she still wants it) and will work on her weight. There’s more of an issue than just appearance. Her health is suffering. She wrecked her knees, had surgery on one and walks around limping. Before the affair I was committed to pushing her crippled body around in a wheelchair for the last 30 years of my life if necessary, but the affair changed that obligation. I’m positive that I don’t want to live that way and she can control it. There’s still the thought in my mind that she made herself attractive for the other guy, why not for me? I love my wife and kids more than anything in the world and want to make this work. My mind is made up about this issue. She either gets herself in shape or we will divorce. I’ll stay until the kids are grown, for their sake. But I am not living the rest of my life like this. The future of our marriage is up to her.
With all of this being said, I’m actually on pretty level ground. I’ve accepted that the wounds will heal over time, but a scar will always remain. I pray often, and my prayers are helpful. But my current feeling is: “If my prayers are being answered and everything in my life is working out now, why do I feel like crap?”
My best friend introduced my wife and I to each other in 1988. We were engaged two weeks later. We married six months after the engagement. Both of us are Christians and lived with our parents’ right up until the day we got married, so we had never lived with another person. I was still a virgin, though she was not (I knew that, and it was not a problem for me.)
Living together for the first time was shocking – there is so much to work on and mediate! Little things like using paper or cloth towels to clean a mirror…is it really a big deal? It is if you’re married. One of the hardest things for me to deal with has been my wife’s preference for sleeping fully dressed and wrapped up in a comforter like a cocoon. I absolutely hate it. For 21 years I’ve had the sheets and blankets all to myself. This was not the way I imagined my married life.
I should point out that I’m a traditionalist about marriage. I kept my virginity until our wedding night. And I do not believe in divorce! The Bible mentions one exception, and I’ll get to that later. But the entire concept of marriage not working was (and is) foreign to me. I’m totally committed to staying with this woman until one of us is planted.
At age 20, I set three goals for my life to reach by 30: Get married, have children and make my age ($30K). I’m blessed to say I hit all three, though the child part took a while. We held off on pregnancy for the first two years, and then began trying. For three years we tried to get pregnant. It’s easy to think “Oh that’s fun!” but sex turned into just another chore. “We haven’t had sex tonight, let’s do it before we fall asleep.” We had sex to the point of killing the joy. But it worked. If I had turned 30 without her being pregnant, I was going to see a doctor, but we made it.
After our first child was born we decided to immediately start on a second. We didn’t want to wait two or three years to start again and have it take another three years. But it happened right away and our two daughters are 13 months apart.
When the children were small, my wife did not respond very well. I can’t really describe it. She was a good mom – attentive to the kids and taking care of them – but she just wasn’t happy with them and would make irrational statements about how a baby “should know not to do that”. When the kids reached school age, my wife just blossomed into a fantastic mom. I think it is because she could actually have two way conversations with them.
When our first child was in second grade, the school informed us that they had diagnosed her with Autistism (Asperger’s syndrome). That is tough news to take. But we pulled together, worked with the school district’s professionals and got her the help she needed. Now she’s a bratty 15 year old! My wife and I worked well together on this issue.
As the kids got older we had the same marriage issues as everyone else. We were tired, money was always tight, the kids came first, etc. I knew what would happen from speaking with other parents, so it wasn’t unexpected and we just dealt with it.
Throughout all of 2006 my wife was acting very strange. Looking back, I realize it started when she had gone out with some people from work, came home late and said she regretted drinking and wouldn’t do that again. However, she kept going out after work and said it was fun. She even told me they played pool, had a drink and generally enjoyed the evening.
I thought this was fantastic! My wife had some of her own friends and was happy. I even bought her a very nice pool cue for her birthday. The problem was – she wasn’t happy. She cried all the time. When I asked what was wrong, her reply was “I can’t tell you”. I would push her a little, but not to the point of a fight so I’d drop the discussion. It got to the point where she’d come home crying and I’d tell her “I pray every day for you to find happiness”….she’d just cry more.
Her behavior at home was strange too. She spent a lot of time in the garage talking on the phone. At one point she actually asked me if should could quit her job. During our marriage we had NEVER had sex in the car – one time we parked by the side of the road and started…then she just broke into tears. I thought I was hurting her (it was NOT the easiest or most comfortable sex to try…). It never occurred to me that this could be bringing up guilty feelings. Several times she would leave the house at 10:00 PM telling me a coworker wanted to talk over coffee. I look back now and realize how silly that was, as she wouldn’t even go up the block to get food if she was hungry.
She changed her appearance too. As married couples do, we had let ourselves go and were ‘casual’ with our appearance. But she lost weight and starting wearing nice clothes and putting on makeup, changed her hair color to blond and just was much sexier. And she came home one day with a new tattoo on her lower back…that was a surprise.
We went without sex for much of this time. Around Halloween she had a wild idea of buying a costume and getting crazy on me. That lasted about two weeks (and was a lot of fun). After that little adventure we went back to sex rarely happening.
Then one Friday – Feb. 9th, 2008 – I confronted her with this comment…”If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I’m going to assume the worst.” That is what did it. The dam broke and she confessed a 15 month affair with a guy at work.
She was not expecting my reaction. Instead of being angry, I looked at what I could do! Immediately I stopped all activity that didn’t involve her. I had my own friends that I would hang out with and I played World of Warcraft a lot (That came to an immediate END.) I’ve always thought that the only person I can control is myself, so I needed to figure out what I needed to do. I tried to make myself more appealing to her, evening trading in my Aztek for a new Mustang! (Which made people think I was going through a mid-life crisis, or even having an affair myself.)
The next day we went out to eat and just cried until snot was dripping out of our faces. The waiter insisted that if the food was too spicy we could send it back. We told him it was fine, just leave us alone. No, he said he’d bring the manager over to fix it. Fortunately we got our check and left.
The following day was Sunday. We went to church and it was a disaster. We sat in church with about 2,000 other people just balling our eyes out. I’m still so shocked over it that I haven’t been back. (That’s one of the obstacles I’ve still got in front of me to cross. But I will.)
I did not have anyone to talk to about this. She wanted the affair to remain a secret to our family members and friends. At first I respected this, but over time I just needed somebody to talk to. We worked on our relationship – she admitted that the events over Halloween were her efforts to spark something between us (and that means EVERYTHING to me). Unfortunately, she didn’t end the affair. I actually caught her again in April 2008 by looking at her phone records.
This time she wanted a divorce. But get this – she expected me to move out and leave her with the house and kids….and she was going to move the other guy in! I actually considered this…for about 15 seconds. It just chapped my ass to think of spending my whole adult life building towards my goal of a family, home and career and just walking away to let some other P.O.S. take over. One part of me wanted to run far away and start over, but no, I am keeping the house. The kids stay with the house, which means me. If anyone was leaving, it was her.
I actually talked to the guy once, on the phone. I was fed up and had nothing to lose, so despite her pleading with me not to I called him from her phone and told him to leave her alone, never deal with us again, and he’d never hear from me. The thought of us living together, staying married for the kids and she having an affair while I knew about it was just the end of the line for me. His response was to threaten me and cuss me out. My wife liked this however – I had stood up for her. He chewed her out for it and she realized what a piece of trash he really is. (I’m leaving a lot of stuff out here.)
Well that did it. She changed her tune and wanted to work on the marriage. Again we kept the affair secret. We went to counseling, sometimes twice a week. I decided that I needed to talk with friends so let a select few know what was happening. This bothered her, but not very much. I was in terrible pain of this and discovered playing World of Warcraft wasn’t as responsible for the situation as I thought it was. In fact, it actually helps me deal with the hurt because when I am playing WoW I am not thinking of anything else.
I remember the very first question the therapist asked me: “Do you feel like hurting the other man.” It shocked me in a way – preventing me from killing him was more important, I guess. I did think of it, but realized that my spending my life in jail wasn’t going to fix the relationship or help my kids either. And there’s that whole “Going to Hell” thing too.
Speaking of death, I admit to thoughts of suicide. I had never understood how people can decide to kill themselves. Now I understand. At some point you can just hurt so bad that you are done with life. I reached that decision point but realized things would get better and that my kids would need me. And there’s that whole “Going to Hell” thing again. For a short time there I was in a frame of mind that if somebody had cut me off on the road, I’d have hit him. It’s scary thinking back to that as I write this.
Then in June I went out to the garage and heard her van running in the driveway (the garage door was closed). I stood there listening to it, but it was strange to me that she wasn’t opening the door. So I hit the button and up it came. She just drove in like nothing happened….but I suspected again.
That night I searched the van and found a cell phone charger that didn’t match her phone. Not good. I managed to get into her purse – which she was keeping beside the bed instead of in the kitchen as usual – and guess what? She had another cell phone. The only number in it was this other guy….
Busted a third time, I made her tell the kids. This was important to me because I wanted them to know it wasn’t me causing all of this. It really shook her and I was convinced the affair was finally over.
But it wasn’t.
The final act was performed in August – on our 20th anniversary. She told me the day before that she had to stay after work for an all-hands meeting and wouldn’t be home until late. Uh huh. She went on a ‘date night’ with the other guy. The next day I confronted her. My wife had just spent our 20th anniversary having sex with another guy…even after being CAUGHT three times.
Well that was it. I went to a lawyer. I waited to tell her this until we were sitting in our counseling session. She absolutely freaked. The therapist asked me to leave. Several hours later I was called and told my wife was in the hospital. I’ll leave out the details, but this was very ugly – she ended up being handcuffed at the hospital and driven in a police car to a mental hospital for a forced stay.
That finally did it. I have been diligent in checking on her and she has not seen this guy at all. He tried to contact her at work via email, but she actually called the police and had them make it clear he wasn’t to contact her again. As best as I can tell, there has been no further contact for over a year.
In October, 2008 I was hit by a teenage driver running a red light. As I was flying out of control through the intersection towards the Ford Expedition that would stop my momentum, with the driver’s side door caved into my body, it occurred to me that I was ready to die. I yelled out to God. For the very first time in my life I felt at peace. My only regret would be not to be there for my kids as they become adults, but they’d manage. But I lived and fortunately was not hurt bad. That Mustang saved my life.
While was being cut out of the car, all I could think of was to have someone call my wife. For two hours I was in the emergency room alone and I just wanted her. A police officer went to the house and got her. When she showed up all I wanted to do was hold her.
She is not well. This whole series of events makes more sense if I look at it as her having a mental illness. My wife is sick and needs to heal. Also, when I went to the lawyer I had finally crossed that line in my mind and spirit where I was accepting the concept of divorce, which was extremely hard for me. And I don’t want a divorce, but Jesus specifically gives an exception for adultery. Does He mean I must divorce? Or is it an option? Can I wait until the kids are grown and then do it? Why is it so unclear now? Maybe divorce is acceptable to some, but for me this is a concept I have lived my whole life determined is not an option. I think that possibility actually hurts more than the affair.
It’s been over a year since the affair ended, and 21 months since I found out. For some reason, I expected forgiveness to work by now. We are getting along well and even took a trip to England, where we spent our 21st anniversary. That was very awkward for me and she knows it, but we had a great time and great memories.
We have not had sex since March. She has completely let herself go and gained a ton of weight. It wouldn’t matter except she just is not physically attractive and the last two times we had sex it did not go well. I’d rather just masturbate and wait for her to decide if she wants to lose weight.
A couple of weeks ago she told me that she wanted sex. Here’s another moral issue for me – I believe that a husband and wife should NOT deny sex to each other! (She did that to me for our whole marriage.) I have never said ‘No’ to her until now. This is sinful in my opinion and very much a problem for me.
I discussed it with her and told her my only option at this point if she continues to want sex was the divorce. She understands and withdrew her request for sex (though I know she still wants it) and will work on her weight. There’s more of an issue than just appearance. Her health is suffering. She wrecked her knees, had surgery on one and walks around limping. Before the affair I was committed to pushing her crippled body around in a wheelchair for the last 30 years of my life if necessary, but the affair changed that obligation. I’m positive that I don’t want to live that way and she can control it. There’s still the thought in my mind that she made herself attractive for the other guy, why not for me? I love my wife and kids more than anything in the world and want to make this work. My mind is made up about this issue. She either gets herself in shape or we will divorce. I’ll stay until the kids are grown, for their sake. But I am not living the rest of my life like this. The future of our marriage is up to her.
With all of this being said, I’m actually on pretty level ground. I’ve accepted that the wounds will heal over time, but a scar will always remain. I pray often, and my prayers are helpful. But my current feeling is: “If my prayers are being answered and everything in my life is working out now, why do I feel like crap?”