Today I feel like crap
As it says really.
I am trying very hard to be stable and appear as though everything is normal, but inside I am torn between screaming out loud about my inner hurt and breaking down in tears.
This is almost a year and a half on from Dday and so far R has been quite successful but I just can't find myself able to trust her, some folk will just say that I am over analyzing things and that I should calm down but I can't stop this sh!t rifting around in my head, I am trying to settle it all down and then something will trigger, and off it goes again.
I so wish this was not my life and I am becoming depressed from the situation I find myself in.
If you are wondering what triggered it this time then I will tell you.
My wife also works with horses, she is a groom for an international show jumping rider, and from time to time she has to go away to competitions, the first time she went away was in March and for almost a month, I was sad at her having to go but also extremely anxious as I would not actually know what she was doing or what she might be omitting in our chats on the phone or in texting but I tried very hard to stay as calm as possible and not to get too analytic over small things as I know they were at a major international show with 6 horses and it is not always possible to talk or text when getting the horses ready or filming the course for the sales web page, but I did find myself getting mildly concerned when doing the laundry and putting the clean washing away that the entire contents of her underwear draw was missing all bar her one piece swimsuit I bought her, but all the thongs and nice sets and even a bikini, I became a little worried at that point as it seemed a little odd that everything was taken, and I did bring it up in conversation with her and she kind of dismissed it and explained it away with "I just packed everything as I was in a hurry and needed to get back to the truck" yes getting packed quick was true but if it was the case of emptying the draw in to her case then the one piece would not have been left behind, or am I over simplifying things?
Yesterdays trigger was again caused by her going away, and I know this may seem silly but underwear is a big deal to me, and yesterday she was busy with making sure her latest new underwear was in the wash and going to be ready to pack, but why? I am not going to be there so it won't be for my benefit and as she has plenty in the draw so why make sure the new thongs and bras are clen and dry ready to be packed?
Sorry if this seems trivial but I am coping with her first known betrayal from a more than a year ago and every little thing just seems to set me back just lately, I don't know what to do? Really I don't!
I hate feeling this way and feeling as though I need to snoop and over analyse things that would otherwise go unnoticed.