Today I feel like crap
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-29-2013, 06:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Today I feel like crap

As it says really.

I am trying very hard to be stable and appear as though everything is normal, but inside I am torn between screaming out loud about my inner hurt and breaking down in tears.

This is almost a year and a half on from Dday and so far R has been quite successful but I just can't find myself able to trust her, some folk will just say that I am over analyzing things and that I should calm down but I can't stop this sh!t rifting around in my head, I am trying to settle it all down and then something will trigger, and off it goes again.

I so wish this was not my life and I am becoming depressed from the situation I find myself in.

If you are wondering what triggered it this time then I will tell you.

My wife also works with horses, she is a groom for an international show jumping rider, and from time to time she has to go away to competitions, the first time she went away was in March and for almost a month, I was sad at her having to go but also extremely anxious as I would not actually know what she was doing or what she might be omitting in our chats on the phone or in texting but I tried very hard to stay as calm as possible and not to get too analytic over small things as I know they were at a major international show with 6 horses and it is not always possible to talk or text when getting the horses ready or filming the course for the sales web page, but I did find myself getting mildly concerned when doing the laundry and putting the clean washing away that the entire contents of her underwear draw was missing all bar her one piece swimsuit I bought her, but all the thongs and nice sets and even a bikini, I became a little worried at that point as it seemed a little odd that everything was taken, and I did bring it up in conversation with her and she kind of dismissed it and explained it away with "I just packed everything as I was in a hurry and needed to get back to the truck" yes getting packed quick was true but if it was the case of emptying the draw in to her case then the one piece would not have been left behind, or am I over simplifying things?

Yesterdays trigger was again caused by her going away, and I know this may seem silly but underwear is a big deal to me, and yesterday she was busy with making sure her latest new underwear was in the wash and going to be ready to pack, but why? I am not going to be there so it won't be for my benefit and as she has plenty in the draw so why make sure the new thongs and bras are clen and dry ready to be packed?

Sorry if this seems trivial but I am coping with her first known betrayal from a more than a year ago and every little thing just seems to set me back just lately, I don't know what to do? Really I don't!

I hate feeling this way and feeling as though I need to snoop and over analyse things that would otherwise go unnoticed.
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Old 06-29-2013, 07:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Today I feel like crap

Honestly can't see what amounts to a long distance relationship working for you. Too much water under the bridge to be trusting her at this early stage.
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Old 06-29-2013, 07:13 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Today I feel like crap

Your feelings are very normal. There is no time limit to when your going to trust her again, if ever.

Try not to let this eat at you on the inside. Did she overpack other things too? I would imagine so if she were in a hurry.
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Old 06-29-2013, 07:46 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Today I feel like crap

did you ask her why she needs sexy thong and such when your not going to be there?

and did she get all defensive? sounds a little suspicious.

and it just might be that you will never trust her again. maybe rightfully so. her excuse sound like bull to me.
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Old 06-29-2013, 07:49 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Today I feel like crap

It helps to stick to one thread. When you post on any thread it goes to the top of the list and it makes it easy for folks to see what has been going on instead of maybe looking back through four threads.

Just sayin'
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Old 06-29-2013, 07:59 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Today I feel like crap

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
It helps to stick to one thread. When you post on any thread it goes to the top of the list and it makes it easy for folks to see what has been going on instead of maybe looking back through four threads.

Just sayin'
Sorry but I have begun to find comfort within these pages, just finding my focus seems to be getting all messed up again.
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Old 06-29-2013, 08:17 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Today I feel like crap

Have you asked her why she's wearing sexy thongs instead of less sexy panties when she isn't with you?

Both her answer, and how she answers is very relevant.

If she shows attitude or impatience or is dismissive, then I'd call her out on it. She's still very much needing to work on saving the marriage and her being anything other than open and supportive of you and respectful of your feeling isn't ok, and she should be called on it.

Then there is your gut, please do listen to it. It is entirely possible that something is actually up.
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Old 06-29-2013, 08:23 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Today I feel like crap

One of the reasons people don't trust other people is because the people asking for our trust do not act open and trustworthy toward us.

If a person dismisses our concerns, downplays our feelings, that is showing that they do not respect our worries and our feelings.

If a person doesn't respect us, how then would they value us?

A person who doesn't value us, and doesn't respect us, makes it very hard to trust them because they do not act like they feel the need to be loyal to us.
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Old 06-29-2013, 08:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Today I feel like crap

Your senses are fine tuned now to detect bull.. Like Shaggy says, listen to your gut, it's trying to tell you something.. You have every right in the world to be suspicious. Ask and gauge the response, it should be something like 'now that I know it upsets you, I won't pack any sexy undergarments' or the one I'd prefer ' I won't travel without you until you are comfortable with it'. If she goes on the defensive instead of asking how to make you comfortable, I'd be concerned. That would send me back into investigative mode for sure. I hope your gut is wrong, all the best to you.
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Old 06-29-2013, 09:05 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Today I feel like crap

Are thongs her normal comfortable choice of underwear or her special reserved for date night choice?
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Old 06-29-2013, 09:13 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Today I feel like crap

Thongs are so 1995..
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Old 06-29-2013, 09:37 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Today I feel like crap

Have you discussed her moving to the other place before you?
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Old 06-29-2013, 09:50 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Today I feel like crap

One way to settle it is take her for a polygraph and have the questions written out so the person giving the test knows what to ask. If she gives you a hard time or refuses, then you know that there's a rat in the woodpile then you have the choice to either continue the marriage or to bail out. Why prolong the agony your going through? If she has nothing to hide, then she'll gladly take the test.
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Old 06-29-2013, 09:54 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Today I feel like crap

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Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
Have you discussed her moving to the other place before you?
Yes and TBH she says that she does not want to move there without me, even though I would be following after a couple of months, but then again, in a way I kind of want her to go without me so I can keep tabs from a distance without her knowing and if there are any slip ups in the two months then I just don't move there, I can stay here, but I know how it goes and I don't want to wait too much longer in a sense only to catch her at it again only worse due to having crossed unacceptable boundaries already, I see it more as a test of her fidelity, a chance for her to behave as she wishes and do what ever she wants, the only thing I will do is monitor from a distance to be sure I am not just prolonging my own misery by continuing to try to trust her and stupid things like this triggering me off when she does something or says something, if she can stay faithful to me with two months of not living in my pocket so to speak then I will continue to R.

And although she does wear thongs she does also own normal slips and often wears those too so it is a mixed bag really hence my not immediately jumping to random conclusions, just making notes of my suspicions I suppose.
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Old 06-29-2013, 10:14 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Today I feel like crap

Her not wanting to move with out you is a great sign, are you sure she was not just putting you on or is she actually refusing to go with out you?

If she was looking to wander, she would jump at this chance. Of course, if she is sly, she will try to make it look like she doesn't want to go but go anyway.

If you really want to make it work you should read The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

You are already doing some of the things recommended in this book. It will explain how a woman may stray and why. There is also a MAP plan to help guide you. It is probably the most recommended book to men on this site.
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