Lost-Soul

A little bit about myself and my relationship: I am 35 and have been married for 12 years to my 37 year old wife. We have 2 boys aged 8 and 6 and have been, for the most part, happily married. We have been together 15 years.

Like others here I have just found out that my wife has cheated on me. It started about 2 months ago when she met a 30 year old guy at a friends house (a friend of hers, not someone I really know) She said he was "fun and flirty" with her which led to her obtaining his mobile phone number from her friend. She began texting him and over the course of the next 2 months they sent each other many flirty and sexy texts of a very personal and adult nature. My wife enquired to this guy mid term as to weather, if things were different, he would want to progress this text relationship further. He did want too. During a conversation between him and my wifes friend he made a comment about the size of my wifes breasts in that they were a bit small for him. This got back to my wife via her friend and she was understandably upset and angry. She and her friend set out for payback and she arranged via text to meet this guy in a car park for some fun. She never showed and when he texted her back to find out why the no show she ignored him at first and then said she had changed her mind. Her and this friend had suceeded and made him feel somewhat stupid.

From what I understand things went very quiet on the texting front for a few days untill she started to text him again saying she was sorry for messing him about and she wanted to resume their text chats. He didnt reply and then last Friday he texted her at night asking to meet her to explain his comments he made about her. She said no she was at work (she works nights sometimes as a hair stylist in a salon I bought for her). He turned up at the salon and when she left he was waiting outside. He tried to explain that he didnt think his comments about her breasts would upset her and that he would like to resume their chats etc. She tells me that she said no, she had once again changed her mind and she wanted it too stop. She then came home.

Phew, glad thats out! As for how I obtained the above, this is what happened.

I had noticed that over the last few months she was "different" with me and colder - we have had a bit of a rocky ride lately which is for the most part down to me. I used to be very overweight and 3 years ago I lost 8 stone which took me down to a very slim 6ft2" guy weighing around 11 stone. Unfortunately weight became an obsession and I slipped into a spiral path which led to depression and bulemia. I kept this to myself for years and our relationship suffered as my sex drive deteriorated (I now believe this is related to my illness) untill we sat down and talked about us. This was just over 2 months ago. I took a massive step and admitted my bulemia to her and tried to explain that I had very little sex drive but I still very much loved her and we agreed to seek help for me and to get our relationship back on the right track. I have since contacted doctors and things are moving along and I am getting the help I so very much need.

Just over a week ago I became suspicious as she was different with me, and I took the step of checking a few texts messages and looking for clues. I found nothing untill last Saturday. Several texts to her friend read "I feel better today, I saw (guys nickname here) today and I wasnt tempted" The reply to this read "we got our revenge on him and made him look stupid, that was what we wanted wasnt it". My wife then sent back "he doesnt answer my texts anymore anyway"

I confronted her with this on Sunday morning and after much denial things started to come out. It has taken us untill last night to get out exactly what happened as she has been constantly lieing to me about it since Sunday. Unfortunately for both of us, I am a thinker and things she said didnt add up and went round and round my head. I now believe I have the truth and have stopped making things up in my head, which feels great.

I am gutted, I love my wife very much but am so hurt that words cannot describe how I feel. She started this affair AFTER i told her about my depression and illness which somehow makes me feel even worse. During the last 15 years I have never so much as looked at anyone else and she knew this and also knew that I would be devestated if she did.

Where do I go from here? I feel that I now have the truth, but I need completion and for me that is too tell this guy to stay away from me and my family (the wife too!) but she will not tell me his name or give me his number for fear that i will do something stupid. She says she loves me more than anything and that the affair was about her feeling bad about herself and it wasnt aboout the other person. She also assures me that it is over and she has no intention of restarting it.

I am truly sorry for making you all read this, but just putting it down on paper has already helped taking a bit of the load off!

effess

As someone who is dealing with being in your wife's position (read my story on this thread) - I'm sorry for the dilemma you are in. I can't imagine how you feel and hope your marriage ends up stronger in the long run.

As for how to deal with the situation - I would advise you to stay away from this other man, I agree with your wife, only trouble can ensue from this. Have your wife tell her friend to tell the other man to stay away, she's working things out with her husband and if this man persists, she will contact the police.

Your issues are with your wife, not with this stranger who owes you or your marriage nothing, to be frank. Work things out with your wife and heal your marriage, if that is what you so choose. Confronting the other man will only add fuel to the fire, let that flame die out.

Sven

I agree with not contacting the other guy, but her refusal to tell you his name and number is a problem. She needs to confess EVERYTHING - otherwise there is no way to regain your trust.

Nothing is off the table at this point. She does not get to decide what you can know.

crazybunnie25

Like effess said "Work things out with your wife and heal your marriage, if that is what you so choose. Confronting the other man will only add fuel to the fire, let that flame die out."

Granted she didn't tell you who it is, it doesn't matter. HE IS TRASH! That all he should be.

Have you told her friend about this? Has she told her friend? Talk to your wife and tell her that it would make you feel better if she could tell her friend, or atleast let you tell her friend that this guy needs to stop ASAP.

The more you think about it, the more depressed you might get.
The further your wife continues this, the worst it will be.

Rebuild your love for each other, go on mini dates or have a family outing. Anything to stop you from thinking about the events that had happen.
Try starting a family tradition, like one time a week have a special dinner? Or watch funny movies? Craft time. So on and so forth.
Not only will you get time together and be happy, you're children will be happy too :-)


I'm glad that you two are trying your best to get through this. Remember it will take time, and unfortunally there is no calculated time frame on when you will be better.