In 2009 I met a guy that I talked to about my abusive relationship & we ended up having sex. I called him my "only friend" because I pushed everyone else away. In Dec 2009 I moved out of state. I still communicated with "friend" until Feb 2010. I still had the abuser threatening me through calls/texts. In the meantime, I met a man at my new job who was going through a divorce. We talked, became friends, eventually became intimate, and became my BF. I kept telling him i didnt want a relationship but yet I couldnt stay away from him because I really did like him. In July 2010 I planned to fly back home for a family event. 2 weeks before "friend" contacts me! We start texting/talking & plan to meet knowing sex would occur. I didnt tell my BF. I was mean & distant to BF just before I left. I felt guilty. I justified it by telling myself that he was just using me anyways through his divorce, who was he to tell me I shouldnt leave to go home?, that I was homesick. I told him to his face "nothing is going to happen". I lied. Flying back home for that weekend was the worst mistake of my life. I ended up having sex with "friend" 3 nights & staying at his place. I asked him to cum in me the 1st night, 2nd night he asked I said ok, 3rd night he pulled out. Rehashing the past, he said he thought he may have loved me in 2009. I said "I love you" because I thought thats what he wanted to hear. I didnt mean it. I didnt believe in love. I ignored my BF when he text/call & told me I love you for the 1st time. I lied to him about who I was with & where I was staying, I lied to "friend" about BF saying we were just friends. I lied to family about where I was staying. I lied to abuser that I was still out of town. I lied to everyone. After the weekend, I flew back and dumped BF that night. I told him "friend" was back in the picture but I didnt tell him about weekend debachery. He was hurt. I felt horrible. I continued to talk to "friend". BF & I also talked & started having sex again. He asked me to make a decision on who I wanted to be with. I said him but didnt stop communication with "friend". I didnt like that he was pressuring me but I understand it. "friend" called & said he met a girl & was talking/hanging out. We were only friends so why wouldnt he tell me? I got mad. Mad at myself for going back to my old self when I had wanted to start a new life. I called BF & told him about the converstaion & decided I would truly give him a chance. (I have been faithful to him since) However I did not confess about the weekend. I finally changed phone #. I felt like I got the new beginning I was looking for. No one from my past knew where to find me except the few I told. I felt free from abuser but still scared 1 day he would find me. BF & I moved in together. One day BF saw old cell phone bill from cancelled # and s*** hit the fan. He saw all the dates/times of texts/pics/calls to "friend". He confronted me yet I didnt confess entire truth. He blew up. I panicked. He came home late and drunk. Next weeks were turmoil. We fought, cried, yelled, talked. Emotions were all over the place. I told him about my past. How many men I slept with before him. (8. is that a lot?) Whats worse, I got an std that weekend. Thank God BF did not. Things have been up & down ever since & I have been trying to earn his trust back. I gave up all my passwords. Deleted old email address & got new one with him. I dont delete texts/calls so can see them. Dont delete emails without him. Stopped talking to male friends I had. Dont go out without him (I truly enjoy his company). I answer all the questions he has. Due to work, we lived apart for 1 year (2012) & got into horrible fights over phone. I flew to see him every other weekend (my work sched was more flexible). We got engaged. We tried counseling. We relocated to be together this year & bought a house. We love each other but still have this weekend haunting us. He is the type that needs to know every single detail. However when I answer, it seems I always say something different & sends him over the edge. I understand he is frustrated (I would be too) but as time passes & I have made up so many lies, had nightmares about the weekend & fights, & weve argued so much about it, I dont know what is real anymore. The questions that keep coming up & affecting him so much are why did I ask him to come in me? Why did i say I love you? He cant get the images out of his head. Since I cant remember every detail, his imagination makes a porno movie in his head! I have been sent out of town for 1 month for work & we are still having huge fights, 3 years later. This may not make sense, but I feel for the 1st time in my life (I'm 32), I have looked at MYSELF honestly. It hurts. I dont like what I see. I have cried for days nonstop. I havent eaten. I have so many regrets. I am ready to face my consequences. I havent truly put myself in his shoes. I havent been truly honest with myself! I've tried to explain this to him but I have beaten him down emotionally he doesnt care. I can understand that. I made an appt to return to counseling. I know im a cheater & a liar. I dont deserve forgiveness. I dont deserve him. I know i've affected both our lives forever & things wont ever be the same. Is there hope for us? Is there anything else I can do? Has anyone gone through this & been able to find happiness together again? How can I help him get the images out of his head?
Seems like you spent the last three years being defensive instead of proactive.
You have practically kept your recovery and BF at square one because you have not been truly remorseful.
You are just beginning to see his side and I pray it's not too late.
I think your behavior is reflective of something that happened to you and made you a mean and "get you before you get me" person.
If I'm right, you should explore that because you had/have little regard for men. The ones that really care for you, you put them through the wringer because they are vulnerable to you.
It's like you prey on men's weaknesses.
It was horrible how you treated your BF and even the OM.
I believe if your BF knew the real you, he would run because it appears the real you is a man eater..
I really hope you change or no man will be safe with you.