Remorseful Liar
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Remorseful Liar

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree5Likes
  • 1 Post By Brokenshadow
  • 1 Post By SoulStorm
  • 2 Post By Jasel
  • 1 Post By Rottdad42

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 06-29-2013, 04:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1
Default Remorseful Liar

In 2009 I met a guy that I talked to about my abusive relationship & we ended up having sex. I called him my "only friend" because I pushed everyone else away. In Dec 2009 I moved out of state. I still communicated with "friend" until Feb 2010. I still had the abuser threatening me through calls/texts. In the meantime, I met a man at my new job who was going through a divorce. We talked, became friends, eventually became intimate, and became my BF. I kept telling him i didnt want a relationship but yet I couldnt stay away from him because I really did like him. In July 2010 I planned to fly back home for a family event. 2 weeks before "friend" contacts me! We start texting/talking & plan to meet knowing sex would occur. I didnt tell my BF. I was mean & distant to BF just before I left. I felt guilty. I justified it by telling myself that he was just using me anyways through his divorce, who was he to tell me I shouldnt leave to go home?, that I was homesick. I told him to his face "nothing is going to happen". I lied. Flying back home for that weekend was the worst mistake of my life. I ended up having sex with "friend" 3 nights & staying at his place. I asked him to cum in me the 1st night, 2nd night he asked I said ok, 3rd night he pulled out. Rehashing the past, he said he thought he may have loved me in 2009. I said "I love you" because I thought thats what he wanted to hear. I didnt mean it. I didnt believe in love. I ignored my BF when he text/call & told me I love you for the 1st time. I lied to him about who I was with & where I was staying, I lied to "friend" about BF saying we were just friends. I lied to family about where I was staying. I lied to abuser that I was still out of town. I lied to everyone. After the weekend, I flew back and dumped BF that night. I told him "friend" was back in the picture but I didnt tell him about weekend debachery. He was hurt. I felt horrible. I continued to talk to "friend". BF & I also talked & started having sex again. He asked me to make a decision on who I wanted to be with. I said him but didnt stop communication with "friend". I didnt like that he was pressuring me but I understand it. "friend" called & said he met a girl & was talking/hanging out. We were only friends so why wouldnt he tell me? I got mad. Mad at myself for going back to my old self when I had wanted to start a new life. I called BF & told him about the converstaion & decided I would truly give him a chance. (I have been faithful to him since) However I did not confess about the weekend. I finally changed phone #. I felt like I got the new beginning I was looking for. No one from my past knew where to find me except the few I told. I felt free from abuser but still scared 1 day he would find me. BF & I moved in together. One day BF saw old cell phone bill from cancelled # and s*** hit the fan. He saw all the dates/times of texts/pics/calls to "friend". He confronted me yet I didnt confess entire truth. He blew up. I panicked. He came home late and drunk. Next weeks were turmoil. We fought, cried, yelled, talked. Emotions were all over the place. I told him about my past. How many men I slept with before him. (8. is that a lot?) Whats worse, I got an std that weekend. Thank God BF did not. Things have been up & down ever since & I have been trying to earn his trust back. I gave up all my passwords. Deleted old email address & got new one with him. I dont delete texts/calls so can see them. Dont delete emails without him. Stopped talking to male friends I had. Dont go out without him (I truly enjoy his company). I answer all the questions he has. Due to work, we lived apart for 1 year (2012) & got into horrible fights over phone. I flew to see him every other weekend (my work sched was more flexible). We got engaged. We tried counseling. We relocated to be together this year & bought a house. We love each other but still have this weekend haunting us. He is the type that needs to know every single detail. However when I answer, it seems I always say something different & sends him over the edge. I understand he is frustrated (I would be too) but as time passes & I have made up so many lies, had nightmares about the weekend & fights, & weve argued so much about it, I dont know what is real anymore. The questions that keep coming up & affecting him so much are why did I ask him to come in me? Why did i say I love you? He cant get the images out of his head. Since I cant remember every detail, his imagination makes a porno movie in his head! I have been sent out of town for 1 month for work & we are still having huge fights, 3 years later. This may not make sense, but I feel for the 1st time in my life (I'm 32), I have looked at MYSELF honestly. It hurts. I dont like what I see. I have cried for days nonstop. I havent eaten. I have so many regrets. I am ready to face my consequences. I havent truly put myself in his shoes. I havent been truly honest with myself! I've tried to explain this to him but I have beaten him down emotionally he doesnt care. I can understand that. I made an appt to return to counseling. I know im a cheater & a liar. I dont deserve forgiveness. I dont deserve him. I know i've affected both our lives forever & things wont ever be the same. Is there hope for us? Is there anything else I can do? Has anyone gone through this & been able to find happiness together again? How can I help him get the images out of his head?
AP2010 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 06-29-2013, 04:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 572
Default Re: Remorseful Liar

Could you format this a bit? I'm sure you'll get some helpful advice, but it'd make it easier to get through if there were paragraphs, etc.
Posted via Mobile Device
Brokenshadow is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-29-2013, 05:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 193
Default Re: Remorseful Liar

Quote:
Originally Posted by AP2010 View Post
In 2009 I met a guy that I talked to about my abusive relationship & we ended up having sex. I called him my "only friend" because I pushed everyone else away. In Dec 2009 I moved out of state. I still communicated with "friend" until Feb 2010. I still had the abuser threatening me through calls/texts. In the meantime, I met a man at my new job who was going through a divorce. We talked, became friends, eventually became intimate, and became my BF. I kept telling him i didnt want a relationship but yet I couldnt stay away from him because I really did like him. In July 2010 I planned to fly back home for a family event. 2 weeks before "friend" contacts me! We start texting/talking & plan to meet knowing sex would occur. I didnt tell my BF. I was mean & distant to BF just before I left. I felt guilty. I justified it by telling myself that he was just using me anyways through his divorce, who was he to tell me I shouldnt leave to go home?, that I was homesick. I told him to his face "nothing is going to happen". I lied. Flying back home for that weekend was the worst mistake of my life. I ended up having sex with "friend" 3 nights & staying at his place. I asked him to cum in me the 1st night, 2nd night he asked I said ok, 3rd night he pulled out. Rehashing the past, he said he thought he may have loved me in 2009. I said "I love you" because I thought thats what he wanted to hear. I didnt mean it. I didnt believe in love. I ignored my BF when he text/call & told me I love you for the 1st time. I lied to him about who I was with & where I was staying, I lied to "friend" about BF saying we were just friends. I lied to family about where I was staying. I lied to abuser that I was still out of town. I lied to everyone. After the weekend, I flew back and dumped BF that night. I told him "friend" was back in the picture but I didnt tell him about weekend debachery. He was hurt. I felt horrible. I continued to talk to "friend". BF & I also talked & started having sex again. He asked me to make a decision on who I wanted to be with. I said him but didnt stop communication with "friend". I didnt like that he was pressuring me but I understand it. "friend" called & said he met a girl & was talking/hanging out. We were only friends so why wouldnt he tell me? I got mad. Mad at myself for going back to my old self when I had wanted to start a new life. I called BF & told him about the converstaion & decided I would truly give him a chance. (I have been faithful to him since) However I did not confess about the weekend. I finally changed phone #. I felt like I got the new beginning I was looking for. No one from my past knew where to find me except the few I told. I felt free from abuser but still scared 1 day he would find me. BF & I moved in together. One day BF saw old cell phone bill from cancelled # and s*** hit the fan. He saw all the dates/times of texts/pics/calls to "friend". He confronted me yet I didnt confess entire truth. He blew up. I panicked. He came home late and drunk. Next weeks were turmoil. We fought, cried, yelled, talked. Emotions were all over the place. I told him about my past. How many men I slept with before him. (8. is that a lot?) Whats worse, I got an std that weekend. Thank God BF did not. Things have been up & down ever since & I have been trying to earn his trust back. I gave up all my passwords. Deleted old email address & got new one with him. I dont delete texts/calls so can see them. Dont delete emails without him. Stopped talking to male friends I had. Dont go out without him (I truly enjoy his company). I answer all the questions he has. Due to work, we lived apart for 1 year (2012) & got into horrible fights over phone. I flew to see him every other weekend (my work sched was more flexible). We got engaged. We tried counseling. We relocated to be together this year & bought a house. We love each other but still have this weekend haunting us. He is the type that needs to know every single detail. However when I answer, it seems I always say something different & sends him over the edge. I understand he is frustrated (I would be too) but as time passes & I have made up so many lies, had nightmares about the weekend & fights, & weve argued so much about it, I dont know what is real anymore. The questions that keep coming up & affecting him so much are why did I ask him to come in me? Why did i say I love you? He cant get the images out of his head. Since I cant remember every detail, his imagination makes a porno movie in his head! I have been sent out of town for 1 month for work & we are still having huge fights, 3 years later. This may not make sense, but I feel for the 1st time in my life (I'm 32), I have looked at MYSELF honestly. It hurts. I dont like what I see. I have cried for days nonstop. I havent eaten. I have so many regrets. I am ready to face my consequences. I havent truly put myself in his shoes. I havent been truly honest with myself! I've tried to explain this to him but I have beaten him down emotionally he doesnt care. I can understand that. I made an appt to return to counseling. I know im a cheater & a liar. I dont deserve forgiveness. I dont deserve him. I know i've affected both our lives forever & things wont ever be the same. Is there hope for us? Is there anything else I can do? Has anyone gone through this & been able to find happiness together again? How can I help him get the images out of his head?
Seems like you spent the last three years being defensive instead of proactive.
You have practically kept your recovery and BF at square one because you have not been truly remorseful.
You are just beginning to see his side and I pray it's not too late.
I think your behavior is reflective of something that happened to you and made you a mean and "get you before you get me" person.
If I'm right, you should explore that because you had/have little regard for men. The ones that really care for you, you put them through the wringer because they are vulnerable to you.
It's like you prey on men's weaknesses.

It was horrible how you treated your BF and even the OM.
I believe if your BF knew the real you, he would run because it appears the real you is a man eater..
I really hope you change or no man will be safe with you.
SoulStorm is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-29-2013, 06:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
CEL
Member
 
CEL's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Tacoma, Washington
Posts: 649
Default Re: Remorseful Liar

Wow I made it! Yes I read that wall of text! Seriously tho break that up into paragraphs. So you ask some good questions and I will give you some answers however if you want help you will have to keep posting even when the posts are not to your liking.

Step to take

1. Sounds like you got the transparency in all things so you got that.

2. Sounds like you got the no male friends so good for you.

3. NC letter is probably not needed it has been 3 years?

4. You need to write a timeline sit down and complete it.Be truthful and make sure it is the COMPLETE truth you have trickle truthed him long enough.

5. Write a letter of apology you may have said it but a letter means more and hand write it. This is for him so take a few days to get it done.

6. You need IC "individual counseling"

7. You both need MC "marriage counseling"

8. Books to read these are to tell you how to recover and what steps to take to start having a GOOD relationship.
Surviving an Affair
His Needs Her Needs
Love Busters
Not Just Friends

9. Crappy relationships are 50/50 if you have been unhappy for so long he is to blame as well but he crappy affair and the trickle truth is all you.

10. Are you in this to win? If you are just going to try just to say that you tried then I will not continue to post as it is not worth my time. If you are into this 100% we can help you but to many people can't take the hard work that this takes really think about if you WANT to change. Really think about if you WANT this guy and to learn to have a better marriage. Up to you OP.
__________________
Hope is the thing with feathers / That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words, / And never stops at all,
I've heard it in the chillest land, / And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity, / It asked a crumb of me.
CEL is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-29-2013, 06:52 PM   #5 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 10,093
Default Re: Remorseful Liar

When you said you got an STD that weekend, who did you get it from?

Could you bring your BF here to TAM so we can help him?
Shaggy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-29-2013, 07:20 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Jasel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 1,332
Default Re: Remorseful Liar

You really need to get yourself some counseling ASAP. I'd recommend ending any relationships that you're in until you get a handle on your issues. Honestly it doesn't sound like you're doing anyone you get into any type of relationship with any favors at this point in your life. Good luck.
__________________
"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
Jasel is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-30-2013, 08:14 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Northern California
Posts: 310
Default Re: Remorseful Liar

I'm sorry but you have a lot of "unhealthy" things going on. IMHO, you need to put the brakes on all of this and sort yourself out. Nothing good comes from the way you "doing business" so to speak. Counseling will help. It's important to know who you are and what you want from a relationship. From your post, this is not the way to live. Keep coming here, we are here to listen and be a sounding board. Good luck.
Rottdad42 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-30-2013, 05:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Calibre12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 434
Default Re: Remorseful Liar

You, I can respect. You have been painfully honest and recognize your shortcomings...that's half the battle and a heck of a lot more than most people ever have the GUTS to reveal about themselves. So cheers for no pathetic excuses nor justifications from you. You are in a good & "ready" place for counseling that will yield good results. So, good for you, you already have an appointment.

In your situation, you can't do much else right now. You have to show him the love. The sincere kindness and affection. You have to allow him to express himself, go through the moments with him, validate his feelings etc. Don't run away from it, don't justify it...just be there for him like a best friend.
Posted via Mobile Device

Last edited by Calibre12; 06-30-2013 at 05:57 PM.
Calibre12 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Is he or isn't he remorseful? jaded0731 Coping with Infidelity 20 02-25-2014 07:37 AM
Remorseful?? jeff_r Coping with Infidelity 30 11-21-2012 01:59 PM
He's very remorseful BUT I'm not sure I want this M anymore... Zanna Coping with Infidelity 24 06-06-2012 07:16 PM
Liar Liar Pants on Fire endlessgrief General Relationship Discussion 26 04-09-2012 07:39 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:32 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.