How do I let go

mymonkeysee · 11-20-2009, 04:22 AM

I need some help letting go after 20+ years of marriage. My husband has been involved with another woman for 2+ years, we have recently went thru intensive couples weekend therapy. I found out after that he still is talking to and helping this OW. I love him and my faith leads me to know what God wants, for me to forgive and stay married. How do I or how do I let go of someone who is such a big part of my life. My story is very complex, with many issues with him and this OW. He has put her in a home that he is responsible for for another year, he has told her he wanted to marry her, but he remains here w me, becuase he wants to try and work on our marriage and our children. I am so confused and scared he will never let go of OW, I dont know what to do.

stupidme · 11-20-2009, 08:13 AM

Dear mymonkeysee,

I'm so sorry, I'm in almost the same situation as you as well. The only difference is he broke up with her, but that does not mean he will not go back to her. He said he's committed to make the marriage work but we only have 6 weeks time and he will then go abroad to work. He said we will have to try to make the marriage work and if it doesn't, then at least we tried. What if it doesn't, then he can walk into her open arms guilt-free?

I've been with him, through thick and thin and now this affair. He's under tremendous stress due to unresolved issues regarding his childhood, OW/me, career and is now under psychiatric care. He feels I'm pushing him toward a nervous breakdown with the constant rehashing of the affair after his confession 3.5 weeks ago. He wanted me to move forward and not look to the past, not to go back to his affair. He lied so much that it because second nature to him until I poked holes into his lies and I finally got the whole picture 3 days ago (or so I think). Everytime I confronted him regarding her, he became so stressed out and he accused me of pushing him, and then I apologized.

It hurst so much that he puts her on such a pedestal in his mind, said he still loves her very much, misses her and has to learn to live without her. It hurts so much that I'm a SAHM, with no business experience whereas she's such a great businesswoman that he has such admiration for her. In his mind, what can I do to help him in his business....NOTHING. It hurts so much when he said they are 90% alike in their thinking that they know what the other is thinking, where as he pushed me out of his life for so long that he never confided anything to me. I'm a very private person and he confided every aspects of our life to her. It hurts so much that he was thinking of contacting her to join him abroad for business when I'm here with our kids, maybe seeing each other 3-4 times/year. That he was thinking of pulling a yes, our marriage is working but he still has her on the side 10 months out of a year. It hurts so much to know there's only 6 weeks to work out our marriage before he leaves, that he can easily walk out on our marriage to go to her. And here I am, apologizing constantly for pushing him into a corner to get the truth to their affair.

I was told by him constantly to get over it if I want to work on our marriage. He was frustrated that I kept on rehashing his past actions, that I could not move forward. I have booked an appointment with a marriage counsellor for next week to help me to move forward. I'm going by myself since I'm afraid he might be too emotionally fragile to deal with my insecurities, my fear, saying I'm rehashing things over and over again, that he's on trial over and over again.

I'm sorry there's nothing constructive I can say to you since this infidelity is newer than yours. But it seems your H, like mine, is trying to walk out of the marriage guilt free, then he can justify in his mind, he did tried to work things out. I do so hope things will work out for you, God bless.

foolz1 · 11-20-2009, 10:47 AM

mymonkeysee, it is never easy, but of course, it can obviously be done. There are certainly many things to consider. Do you believe things are really over with the OW, or do you still have doubts? Without proper communication between the two of you, your marriage will undoubtedly remain in the same state it has been. Complete honesty is imperative to even begin to try to heal.

stupidme, if your husband is leaving, it will be extremely difficult to hang in there, not knowing what is going on, other than what he relays to you.

Best wishes to both of you!

Sven · 11-20-2009, 01:22 PM

Monkey, your husband must end all contact with the other woman. I foolishly tried to hang onto my wife while she was in contact with the other man...it was a mistake. The only way we moved forward was for her to utterly and finally drop him - end ALL CONTACT. You must make this a condition of remaining married.

Quote:

He wanted me to move forward and not look to the past, not to go back to his affair.

Stupidme....I've learned during my wife's affair that it not possible for us to 'forget'. Pretending it didn't happen fails. We are currently accepting that it happened and not avoiding discussions around it. He needs to understand that.