Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-30-2013, 04:55 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance

I found this forum today while searching the web for situations like mine. Married since 2003, 3 kids. On Thursday night, my wife had her email open on my laptop. She'd closed a document without saving it and I was searching. Since the Excel spreadsheet she lost had originated from an email, I was hoping find a saved copy there. For whatever reason, I snooped through her sent items and found that she had emailed back and forth with her ex-fiance starting about 5 years ago with the most recent being 3 years ago. Apparently, his wife had found out about the messages and sent her a FB message asking her to stop because it was causing issues in their marriage. It was all how've you been, what do you do, etc except several of his messages ended with I miss you or I've been thinking of you. One of his emails even said that they (he and my wife) should have gotten married. Her replies didn't acknowledge his statements nor did she say anything similar. I knew they were FB friends so I snooped on her page there and only found that he sent a happy B-Day message this past year.

Naturally, I was furious and didn't get any sleep that night. I was actually up until about 4 AM searching computers, phones, and anything else I could think of. I went to work the next day before she was up. I was still very upset when I got home from work on Friday afternoon and she sensed it and said we didn't need to go out of town as planned if I didn't want to. I couldn't hold it, so I asked her how long she's been emailing him. She said "that was years ago" and I corrected her saying 3 and told her about finding the emails. I told her it wouldn't have been a big deal if it's practically anyone but him because I don't see the need for them to ever speak again. Afterall, he's an ex and not a friend. When I asked why she started communicating with him, I got "I don't know". At some point she tried to shift the conversation to me not telling her she's attactive often enough. I went straight with, we're talking about you talking to your ex that I hate and not about our other problems. One of the emails also mentioned something that had happened in July. I brought the laptop into the room and asked her about it with the email open. She said that while visiting her family (500 miles away) that she'd went for ice cream with him to apologize for causing problems. I asked her exactly what happened when they met and she said the met for ice cream and talked for about 20 minutes then went there separate ways. I broke down on the spot and told her that she'd broken my heart. She then asked if I wanted her to leave. I told her that if she doesn't want to be married to me then yes, she should leave but the kids were staying. She says that she's sorry and wants to be with me. She also offered to give me all of her passwords and access to her phone if I wanted, and I plan to take her up on those offers. I also went on FB and found the ex's wife and sent her a message and fowarded the emails I'd found. She had seen all of them except the one about "July". Seeing the other emails is what made her send the message to my wife. As far as I could tell, there has only been the one "Happy Birthday" FB message in terms of contact for the past 3 years. She temp disabled her FB page today on her own without know that I've thoroughly searched through it.

When all was said and done, I told my wife that I had 2 stipulations if she wanted to stay. 1)Cut all ties with her ex forever and 2) Take the kids and walk the other way if we ever see him again while I kicked his a$$. She agreed to both immediately and apologized over and over. Since I've also told her that we need to try marriage counseling. I plan to send sent him a 3 line email (CC'd my wife) saying I knew about them communicating, telling him to lose her contact info, and informing him that I'd be visiting him if he attempted to contact her again. I also plan to have her send a similar email to or maybe even a quick, monitored call to him just to make sure he gets the point that she wants him to not contact her too. Is it necessary to make the NC "official" thru email or phone?

In reading other posts tonight, it sounds like I went close to "by the book" with the demand for NC from my wife and informing his wife as well. What should be my next step? It's kind of unique situation since it appears that the EA ended years ago so I don't have to worry about the withdrawls that were mentioned. He was doing the "fishing" and I probably wouldn't have saw an issue if it was anyone other than him.
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Old 06-30-2013, 05:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance

You did good considering the circumstances.If your wife is truly remorseful,I think. You should forgive her but keep your eyes open for any setbacks. You stated earlier that you confronted her she gave the excuse of you not paying enough attention to her.Even though that was a flimsy excuse,it doesn't change the way SHE feels.I would also make sure you guy are fulfilling each others love languages.Good luck in your recovery!
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Old 06-30-2013, 05:36 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance

OP,

Will you consider cc his wife?
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Old 06-30-2013, 06:06 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance

It doesn't seem to me like she reciprocated in her e-mails back to him anything inappropriate. It reads to me, a bit blown out of proportion if you have no evidence of her cheating. It sounds like her ex was fishing and she didn't bite. HE sounds like a jerk.

I have had exes e-mail me to "catch up" and we did but I was never inappropriate.

I would have done a bit more snooping but I guess I would for now just monitor her actions and go with your gut.

She seems remorseful and your situations seems worthy of a second chance.
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Old 06-30-2013, 06:37 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance

If there is no evidence of any further communication after the July encounter, and you continue to monitor and stay fully aware going forward, it would seem the steps you have taken are good ones.
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Old 06-30-2013, 07:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Gee, do you really need to meet with someone to apologize for "them" saying inappropriate things.
The truth is when the meeting is planned, it's to see if there's a spark still.

I guess there was no spark.

The problem is...she looking for a spark.
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Old 06-30-2013, 07:21 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance

JR, fishing for sure, the meet up and the excuse therein is a bit off. What two grown ups have ice cream? Was it there thing they used to do when they went out? Who knows. Every time I hear a BS story like that, I just want to pour a bucket of water on top of their head and tell them to try again. That is what they call a gaslight moment. They are both looking for something, they are bored.

You are right about the counseling, it will help you find the root of the problem and maybe you can attempt to repair it, before the dirty deeds happens. You def did the right thing at the right time. You stopped that BS in its' tracks. I would continue to do the MI-6 routine just for your own peace of mind. Do this for a couple of weeks. Var, keylogger, check cell bill online and so forth.
IMHO you need to do this, trust but verify. Or else the paranoia and mind movies, will take over and you won't be able to process things in an intelligent manner. Good luck to you
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Old 06-30-2013, 07:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance

What kind of phone does she have? Deleted messages can be retrieved from some smart phones.

You need to get the two books linked to below in my signature plus a couple of others incl HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS and THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES.

MMSLP is just for you, get it or download it as quick as possible. The other three are for you both.

Good catch and good luck. This may have brought to light things that can actually save your marriage.
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Old 06-30-2013, 08:08 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance

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Originally Posted by AngryandUsed View Post
OP,

Will you consider cc his wife?
Indeed, include his wife as a copy and make sure you reference the visit in July. Your wife's FB should be setup to block him.
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Old 06-30-2013, 08:32 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance

The worst part about that, for me, is meeting him to "apologize." That was obviously an excuse to see him. Luckily, it didn't go beyond that.

Continue to monitor.
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Old 06-30-2013, 08:40 AM   #11 (permalink)
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JR,

I think MC would be a good idea, I had a stich a lot like yours, I thought I had solved it,
Years later it all blew up again when OW was getting a divorce and stbx had a HC reunion.

My regret now is that I did not drag him to MC earlier,in some odd way I feel
like it would have held him a bit more accountable.
Unfortunately people will do what ever the heck they want to ultimately you can "make them give up something"
But you can set boundaries, and that's what you have done, and I wish I had done sooner,so good move on your part.

Have a look at my threads if you like one in CWI called "old flame or just friends"
And one in general relationship about "exs old flames as OSF"
Good luck!
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Old 06-30-2013, 08:51 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance

I wonder if you will ever get the full truth about the July meeting? I mean, maybe you have but when people who clearly have feelings for each other and are familiar with each other get together things can happen.

I don't like polygraphs, but I might consider one on such a situation. I also might consider calling the OM's wife and telling her you suspect something more than ice cream on just one occasion and see if their stories match.

Or, take her word for it and move forward.

But then there is the deeper underlying issue of her wishing she had married someone else....
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Old 06-30-2013, 08:53 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance

Quote:
Originally Posted by dogman View Post
Gee, do you really need to meet with someone to apologize for "them" saying inappropriate things.
The truth is when the meeting is planned, it's to see if there's a spark still.

I guess there was no spark.

The problem is...she looking for a spark.
That's a stretch, isn't it?

I have a friend who, when her ex-boyfriend is back in town (not often, due to his job) will have a coffee with him.

The reason for this is because they were friends from when they met at nursery school and were friends until they fell in love at age 20 and moved in together.

They soon realised that as friends, they were great, but as lovers? It wasn't working.

So they went their separate ways but are now what they always were, and should have remained, just good friends.

And he is good friends with her new chap, so all is good.
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Old 06-30-2013, 08:58 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance

Sucks being Plan B, huh?
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Old 06-30-2013, 09:00 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance

Quote:
Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
That's a stretch, isn't it?

I have a friend who, when her ex-boyfriend is back in town (not often, due to his job) will have a coffee with him.

The reason for this is because they were friends from when they met at nursery school and were friends until they fell in love at age 20 and moved in together.

They soon realised that as friends, they were great, but as lovers? It wasn't working.

So they went their separate ways but are now what they always were, and should have remained, just good friends.

And he is good friends with her new chap, so all is good.
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