Found emails between wife and her ex-fiance
I found this forum today while searching the web for situations like mine. Married since 2003, 3 kids. On Thursday night, my wife had her email open on my laptop. She'd closed a document without saving it and I was searching. Since the Excel spreadsheet she lost had originated from an email, I was hoping find a saved copy there. For whatever reason, I snooped through her sent items and found that she had emailed back and forth with her ex-fiance starting about 5 years ago with the most recent being 3 years ago. Apparently, his wife had found out about the messages and sent her a FB message asking her to stop because it was causing issues in their marriage. It was all how've you been, what do you do, etc except several of his messages ended with I miss you or I've been thinking of you. One of his emails even said that they (he and my wife) should have gotten married. Her replies didn't acknowledge his statements nor did she say anything similar. I knew they were FB friends so I snooped on her page there and only found that he sent a happy B-Day message this past year.
Naturally, I was furious and didn't get any sleep that night. I was actually up until about 4 AM searching computers, phones, and anything else I could think of. I went to work the next day before she was up. I was still very upset when I got home from work on Friday afternoon and she sensed it and said we didn't need to go out of town as planned if I didn't want to. I couldn't hold it, so I asked her how long she's been emailing him. She said "that was years ago" and I corrected her saying 3 and told her about finding the emails. I told her it wouldn't have been a big deal if it's practically anyone but him because I don't see the need for them to ever speak again. Afterall, he's an ex and not a friend. When I asked why she started communicating with him, I got "I don't know". At some point she tried to shift the conversation to me not telling her she's attactive often enough. I went straight with, we're talking about you talking to your ex that I hate and not about our other problems. One of the emails also mentioned something that had happened in July. I brought the laptop into the room and asked her about it with the email open. She said that while visiting her family (500 miles away) that she'd went for ice cream with him to apologize for causing problems. I asked her exactly what happened when they met and she said the met for ice cream and talked for about 20 minutes then went there separate ways. I broke down on the spot and told her that she'd broken my heart. She then asked if I wanted her to leave. I told her that if she doesn't want to be married to me then yes, she should leave but the kids were staying. She says that she's sorry and wants to be with me. She also offered to give me all of her passwords and access to her phone if I wanted, and I plan to take her up on those offers. I also went on FB and found the ex's wife and sent her a message and fowarded the emails I'd found. She had seen all of them except the one about "July". Seeing the other emails is what made her send the message to my wife. As far as I could tell, there has only been the one "Happy Birthday" FB message in terms of contact for the past 3 years. She temp disabled her FB page today on her own without know that I've thoroughly searched through it.
When all was said and done, I told my wife that I had 2 stipulations if she wanted to stay. 1)Cut all ties with her ex forever and 2) Take the kids and walk the other way if we ever see him again while I kicked his a$$. She agreed to both immediately and apologized over and over. Since I've also told her that we need to try marriage counseling. I plan to send sent him a 3 line email (CC'd my wife) saying I knew about them communicating, telling him to lose her contact info, and informing him that I'd be visiting him if he attempted to contact her again. I also plan to have her send a similar email to or maybe even a quick, monitored call to him just to make sure he gets the point that she wants him to not contact her too. Is it necessary to make the NC "official" thru email or phone?
In reading other posts tonight, it sounds like I went close to "by the book" with the demand for NC from my wife and informing his wife as well. What should be my next step? It's kind of unique situation since it appears that the EA ended years ago so I don't have to worry about the withdrawls that were mentioned. He was doing the "fishing" and I probably wouldn't have saw an issue if it was anyone other than him.