I've been married with children for over 9 years to a wonderful woman, but I have crossed the line.
Over the past year and a half, I've become too close to a woman at my work, and developed feelings for her. I wouldn't call it love, but romantic. Also, we spent alot of our time talking at work not face to face, but by IM. Some of the conversations were most definitely inapproriate, of a sexual nature, nothing like cyber sex, but getting into details that I shouldn't be discussing with another woman. I don't believe this other woman felt anything romantic for me, and nothing physical occured between us, I never even attempted to hit on her. But the guilt would get to me from time to time and I think it manifested itself in my occasional (but more frequent) moodiness at home and demands of my wife.
Some of this finally came out in the open with my spouse in the past week, and she has taken it suprisingly well, but she only knows the part about my feelings for the other woman, the length of time and that sexual conversations came up, but not all the dirty details. The guilt is a heavy burden, and I want my wife and I to have the deep, satisfying, open, and loving relationship we shared before the children, and not me keeping these hurtful secrets. But what is my motivation for telling her, to relieve myself of the guilt, or for her to know the entire truth to truly forgive me?
I've been advised by a friend (which I am in short supply of) who has been in a similar situation to not tell my wife everything, that if nothing physical happened, than she doesn't need to know all the dirt and details, it will only hurt her and it will take years, if ever, to repair that kind of damage. But I don't know what to do, I'm not happy like this, and want to bask in my wife's love and forgiveness, guilt-free. I think she knows I'm holding something back. I don't want to lie further, but I'm afraid the questions wanting to know more details will come - and I don't know how to handle them or want to face them.
So you know, I've taken steps to limit the contact with my co-worker to work-related subjects and have even un-installed the IM from my PC.
As a female myself, SHE WILL CONTINUE TO ASK! I don't know at this point of her feelings, because everyone is different.
If you have to write it all down. Every little detail. Then give it to her.
Let her know that you know you have made a mistake and you are willing to do anything to regain her trust, NO matter how long it will take.
Also let her know what you have done to stop the situation between you and the other woman
You need to let it out. So you can feel better about yourself. While your wife needs to know so she can see where to go with the relationship between you two.
As for the children, try not to get them involved. This isn't their life. The children's life is to grow up and be loved. They don't need to see any of this.
Believe me, My father cheated on my mother and I had to hear and see everything. It hurts me so much because I did not want to see them unhappy.
Because you have not done anything physical, it doesn't mean you are going to get away from this. Your wife will be nit picky and you just have to let it be. She might be the person who will hold it over your head forever, Or she can forgive, but never forget.
Work on loving each other, maybe a date night will help you two. Make it a thing once a week or once a month. Something that you two can call yours and yours alone.
I heard on a Dr. Phil show that you should never give the details. You should tell her what happened with as few details as possible and every time she asks for the details you should tell her you want to start focusing on being able to communicate your needs and not go outside the marriage. Just apologize for what happened but move on to how to prevent it from happening again.
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"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
As a update to what is going on with me. Day by day, I feel slightly more normal. So far, my wife hasn't pressed for details, which I find surprising, but then again, her whole reaction to this I have found surprising. She's told me a few times since this has all come out that "she feels relieved" cause now she knows the truth and the problems we were experiencing weren't her fault. And now that everything is in the open, we can get through it and get stronger (she's quite a woman, I know I did something right by marrying her).
Like I said before, the fact that she doesn't know some of the more dirtier details bothers me, I wonder if she'd be so forgiving if she knew the dirt - but at the same time, will knowing that help? I've told the the major facts as she has asked them, and haven't lied about them. I don't know what I'll do if she continues to ask questions. Again, I don't want to lie, but I've come to believe that her knowing the dirt won't help anything and will skew her view of what happened.
I wish I could hit the rewind button, and make it all go away, but so is life. I can only learn from this and hope my marriage ends up stronger in the long run.
What does 'dirtier details' mean? You said you didn't cyber. Ok, so it was simply a talk about sexual preferences and such between two adults? Your guilty about what exactly? That you like her a lot and let her know your personality by talking to her about some private matters?
As for the last post, it all depends on the kind of people you two are. I wouldn't lie about a single detail to my husband if asked, regardless how painfull. But i'd also not hurry in answering uncomfy questions without being asked, specially if they don't change anything. And that's about it. As for the guilt, you'll have to live with it. If that's the only thing that's forcing you to reveal all the details (to feel better yourself) then, be a man and suck it up.
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- When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another. -
My wife told me all of the details of her affair. Our marriage counsellor thought it was a bad idea. I'm not sure if I agree - being open is important, but knowing that the other guy did stuff to my wife that I've never done kind of bothers me. Knowing that the guy was in the same bed I sleep in every night bothers me.
I guess there's no easy answer, but don't ever NOT tell your spouse something if she wants to know.
What does 'dirtier details' mean? You said you didn't cyber. Ok, so it was simply a talk about sexual preferences and such between two adults? Your guilty about what exactly? That you like her a lot and let her know your personality by talking to her about some private matters?
The big conversation that has been really bothering me was us talking by IM about her first experience with a "toy". Nothing came of it, and it never came up again, but definitely, undoubtedly inappropriate. Some other dirt too, not of that nature, but just comments that were made and what not. Again, it doesn't change the major picture, but just adds some color to it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nekko
As for the last post, it all depends on the kind of people you two are. I wouldn't lie about a single detail to my husband if asked, regardless how painfull. But i'd also not hurry in answering uncomfy questions without being asked, specially if they don't change anything. And that's about it. As for the guilt, you'll have to live with it. If that's the only thing that's forcing you to reveal all the details (to feel better yourself) then, be a man and suck it up.
I've wondered that myself, about what is my true motivation - to alleviate myself of the guilt, or for her to forgive me about everything. And I would agree, I have to man up and deal with it, which I've been doing.
My wife told me all of the details of her affair. Our marriage counsellor thought it was a bad idea. I'm not sure if I agree - being open is important, but knowing that the other guy did stuff to my wife that I've never done kind of bothers me. Knowing that the guy was in the same bed I sleep in every night bothers me.
I guess there's no easy answer, but don't ever NOT tell your spouse something if she wants to know.
I'm sorry for your pain Sven. That is exactly the kind of thing I don't want my wife to have to experience. Even though our experiences are different, I don't know if her knowing everything really helps anything. I have to imagine that these images haunt and pain you.
Like I have said, I told her the major facts, and have not lied. I have also taken as many steps as possible (the "OW" is a co-worker) to limit contact, I'm even not going to attend the holiday parties (which I generally look forward to) to assure my wife of my intentions.
I appreciate everyone's feedback here. Being alone in your thoughts with all this going through your head is difficult, it makes you crazy - being able to talk it out, hear other objective opinions helps alot. Thank you.
struggling on how to make things right 
