If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-30-2013, 06:26 AM   #1 (permalink)
BaT
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Default If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?

Hi All

So my wife wants forgiveness for what she claims is an EA, but I can't accept that it didn't go physical. Too many clues suggesting otherwise.

The problem I have is that I can't move forward until she confesses because I have too much doubt that she is lying.

I honestly don't know whether I will be able to forgive her if it did go physical, but it would at least allow us to discuss why it happened so I can begin to understand her side.

I know there's the poly test, but I get the feeling that most couples don't go through with this and I would like her to just tell me everything out of respect (which I am due).

Also we had one counselling session and the counsellor suggested that we 'look forward' and try not to go over what has happened, which is an ideal statement for my wife to remind me about!

Is it just the way it is, that you have to move on with the marriage and accept that you'll never know for sure?

Thanks

BaT
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Old 06-30-2013, 06:39 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?

Change the counselor?
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Old 06-30-2013, 06:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?

Yeah the thought crossed my mind.

Because I'm not convinced she has stopped contact with the other person, I have said that I will not be going to more sessions until I can see her phone records. This is so I can see if she is telling the truth about when she said she last contacted him.

I don't want to be trying to fix us with counselling whist she's still in contact with the guy and whilst I suspect she's still lying about it.

Does that sound like the right decision?
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Old 06-30-2013, 07:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?

You have to know what you are forgiving.
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Old 06-30-2013, 07:07 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?

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Because I'm not convinced she has stopped contact with the other person, I have said that I will not be going to more sessions until I can see her phone records. This is so I can see if she is telling the truth about when she said she last contacted him.
What is her reason for not showing you the phone records? She should give you all passwords for you to verify everything.
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Old 06-30-2013, 07:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?

I could not forgive, PERIOD. But if YOU want to forgive, you have to know everything. YES.
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Old 06-30-2013, 07:10 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?

100% or nothing!
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Old 06-30-2013, 07:20 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?

Sounds to me like you are just wandering along hoping for the best. Have you put in place any boundaries around R?
What you are willing to accept and what you will not accept going forward? Does she know?

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I know there's the poly test, but I get the feeling that most couples don't go through with this and I would like her to just tell me everything out of respect (which I am due).
I know this is what you would like and what you are due, but does she know the consequence of not respecting you?

Have you given her any consequences?
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Old 06-30-2013, 07:32 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?

Get a different counselor and go through with the polygraph. Ya and betrayed brought up a good question, what consequences has she faced for what she did?
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Old 06-30-2013, 07:48 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?

Sounds to me like you are just wandering along hoping for the best.


I've given her an ultimatum.

No access to accounts = no counselling = no marriage

This is what I wanted to discuss, whether this was a right thing to do or whether I should go ahead with counselling.

Her reason for not giving up on the phone records is that she feels what's done is done and we should move forward like the counsellor suggested. I refuse.

My interpretation is that I will find out she's still lying.

Her life as a single mum would be really quite difficult, depending on what support she gets from me (what I choose / uk courts decide??) and the child's natural father which has been quite limited so far. She would have to be dependent on family I imagine.

I'm thinking that the longer I hold out the more likely she'll agree to my requests.

However she is so depressed at the minute and she is an emotional person at the best of times, so it's possible that she'll decide she can't go through this anyway.
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Old 06-30-2013, 08:32 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?

BaT, I agree with Salt, why can't you see the phone records. If there is nothing to hide, then there is nothing to hide. Your questions can be answered quickly. She is giving you the song in dance. So she using or manipulating the counselors information in to not giving you the info, because IMHO she be caught "red handed" and she knows it. If I had to prove my innocence and this was the only way to do it then "BOOM" here honey here are the phone records to show you I am loyal. Very simple. I can't tell you if she is unfaithful, but what I can tell you is that she is following the script, no two ways about it. I'm sorry "what's done is done" sounds like to me the deed has been done. You busted her, tell me everything or I'm gone. I would be gone anyway, I could never trust her or would want to be physical with her ever. The marriage has been tainted in the worst way. Good luck to you.
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Old 06-30-2013, 08:45 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?

Yes. For me to forgive I would have to know it all.
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Old 06-30-2013, 09:35 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?

change counselors there is no "going forward" without total disclosure.

only when you are ready.
check everything
question anything
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Old 06-30-2013, 09:43 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?

OK thanks guys. I just wanted a 2nd opinion.

I'll sit it out because she'll need me soon for one thing or another, that I can be sure of.

If I only agree to talk to her about anything after she gives me access to her accounts (bearing in mind she'll need money off me I imagine) could this be seen as bullying or blackmail during divorce proceedings (UK)?

Thanks
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Old 06-30-2013, 09:46 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were wiling to try to forgive, would you need to know everything first?

No. I did not want any details. The fact that she cheated on me was all I wanted to know.

We did reconcile.
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