is she being honest with me?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-22-2009, 06:24 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default is she being honest with me?

i'm going to make an attempt to keep this story short... we've been together 3 years and married 6 months.
i've been fighting this nagging feeling that my wife is not being honest with me about her sexuality and i guess in the long run her fidelity.

i started noticing some trends with her choice of women friends and her behavior around these friends... a few months into dating her. she would speak to them differently, almost in a tough but provocative manner... to be honest the way i see lesbians interact (socially) with each other (a certain chemistry if you will).

main reason being that my "radar" was going off was that when I was in my early twenties i dated a woman who was bisexual and she exhibited these same similar behavior. ... and so, i questioned her (wife but then girlfriend)about what i was observing. she replied in anger and denied my accusations. and so i presumed my "radar" was broken.

well we fell in love, and several years later we were married. strangely enough i have began to feel this nagging feeling again. it started when she developed a friendship with our neighbor (of whom is a real party girl, and i'm almost certain she is pretty adventurous sexually; on both sides of the stream). i came home from work one evening... to find the two of them sitting almost on top of each other, arms intertwined, and holding the laptop; surfing the web. again i made mention of what i observed and very angrily she denied... i left the situation feeling very confused.

now please keep in mind that i have caught her on numerous times lying to me; through out our relationship (to the point that i believe she has a problem with lying). it has brought me to a place of mistrust... i wonder if she is being faithful and if she is a bisexual (or a lesbian pretending to be someone else)? she made mention a few years ago that she would sometimes have sexual dreams of being with other women.

my question is being that i am having such a difficult time with these feelings; how do i cope, what are your thoughts? how can i find out what the truth is? it's driving me crazy and not helping my depression and i am a recovering alcoholic. i've been sober for over 2 years and i have been so tempted to go back.

i feel so alone because i am scared to really talk to close friends or family about it; maybe i'm fearing what they may say? it's caused some isolation on my part with my friends; that's absolutely true.

i really want this marriage to work; i believe in serving the vows i made and in keeping my word... at the same time i do not want to invest my time in something that will eventually fail; and possibly if and when we have children... how it would affect them.

i deeply and sincerely appreciate your thoughts, and taking the time to read this. thank you.
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Old 11-22-2009, 07:16 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: is she being honest with me?

You need to key logger the computer and var (voice activated recorder) your house. bedroom and where she talks on the phone. Your gut is most likely right.
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Old 11-22-2009, 10:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: is she being honest with me?

I hate to say it, but you have to spy. I wish to god I did. Keylogers and room recorders ca be detected then you're screwed. But you have to spy. The anger at your questions to her is SUCH a red flag. It's a standard in the lying textbook.

Last edited by cody5; 11-22-2009 at 10:31 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 11-22-2009, 10:51 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: is she being honest with me?

Ya you gotta spy and figure out the truth.
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Old 11-22-2009, 10:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: is she being honest with me?

You know the truth of the situation and are afraid of the reality. If you spy (I'd take the suggestions of others here) - then don't worry about being caught. I'd even welcome it at one point. You'll need to reveal the spying eventually. Just tell her she's a liar, you don't trust and needed to know.
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Old 11-22-2009, 01:21 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: is she being honest with me?

i really appreciate your input. spying is something that has ran through my mind from time to time. i'm not going to rule out that idea at all. thank you.
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Old 11-30-2009, 04:33 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: is she being honest with me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by charliebond View Post
i'm going to make an attempt to keep this story short... we've been together 3 years and married 6 months.
i've been fighting this nagging feeling that my wife is not being honest with me about her sexuality and i guess in the long run her fidelity.

i started noticing some trends with her choice of women friends and her behavior around these friends... a few months into dating her. she would speak to them differently, almost in a tough but provocative manner... to be honest the way i see lesbians interact (socially) with each other (a certain chemistry if you will).

main reason being that my "radar" was going off was that when I was in my early twenties i dated a woman who was bisexual and she exhibited these same similar behavior. ... and so, i questioned her (wife but then girlfriend)about what i was observing. she replied in anger and denied my accusations. and so i presumed my "radar" was broken.

well we fell in love, and several years later we were married. strangely enough i have began to feel this nagging feeling again. it started when she developed a friendship with our neighbor (of whom is a real party girl, and i'm almost certain she is pretty adventurous sexually; on both sides of the stream). i came home from work one evening... to find the two of them sitting almost on top of each other, arms intertwined, and holding the laptop; surfing the web. again i made mention of what i observed and very angrily she denied... i left the situation feeling very confused.

now please keep in mind that i have caught her on numerous times lying to me; through out our relationship (to the point that i believe she has a problem with lying). it has brought me to a place of mistrust... i wonder if she is being faithful and if she is a bisexual (or a lesbian pretending to be someone else)? she made mention a few years ago that she would sometimes have sexual dreams of being with other women.

my question is being that i am having such a difficult time with these feelings; how do i cope, what are your thoughts? how can i find out what the truth is? it's driving me crazy and not helping my depression and i am a recovering alcoholic. i've been sober for over 2 years and i have been so tempted to go back.

i feel so alone because i am scared to really talk to close friends or family about it; maybe i'm fearing what they may say? it's caused some isolation on my part with my friends; that's absolutely true.

i really want this marriage to work; i believe in serving the vows i made and in keeping my word... at the same time i do not want to invest my time in something that will eventually fail; and possibly if and when we have children... how it would affect them.

i deeply and sincerely appreciate your thoughts, and taking the time to read this. thank you.



If your wife is getting angry at you for your past questioning then that is a bad sign, either she is hiding a guilty conscience or is deep down resentful of you for something. A woman that is emotionally connected to a man tends to be happy that that man is jealous over her. Is she resentful of your past alcohol abuse, or depression? Does she view you as "weak" and needing to be "mothered" instead of a man and protector? Do you treat her like a lady that demands 100 percent of your attention, devotion, jealousy, passion, and love? Or do you treat her like a "pal" and supposedly give her her "freedom". A woman will surely resent that over time, because such "freedom" does nothing more than stoke in her feelings of apathy and worthlessness.
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Old 12-01-2009, 04:04 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: is she being honest with me?

Thank you bigbadwolf; i appreciate your input and point of view.

to answer a few of your questions...I guess there is the possibility that she resents me. That would explain her frequent reaction to most confrontations (at any level).

As far as I can tell there is not much mothering going on; emotionally or otherwise. I tend to do most household chores, work our budget, and am a successful business owner. I make sure I'm paying attention to her, and pamper her. I was definitely raised in the old school of treating a lady as a lady should be treated; and work hard at being a gentleman.

But you make a good point. When I was abusing (alcohol) I was an emotional wreck... there may be some unresolved issues underlying there.

To be honest she has always struggled with anger and I know it's her fall back when she doesn't know what else to do or feel... so I also think that there is something else than what I'm hearing.

I really hope I'm just imagining and that everything will get better. I'm willing to put in the elbow grease. But lately (as of the last few weeks) she has drawn herself further away from me (emotionally).
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Old 12-02-2009, 11:06 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: is she being honest with me?

Go to marriage counseling. Tell her YOU need it to help you cope with some depression to get her into the room. Try to get a professional 3rd party help get to what the two of you might not be able to reach alone.
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Old 12-03-2009, 04:25 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: is she being honest with me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by charliebond View Post
Thank you bigbadwolf; i appreciate your input and point of view.

to answer a few of your questions...I guess there is the possibility that she resents me. That would explain her frequent reaction to most confrontations (at any level).

As far as I can tell there is not much mothering going on; emotionally or otherwise. I tend to do most household chores, work our budget, and am a successful business owner. I make sure I'm paying attention to her, and pamper her. I was definitely raised in the old school of treating a lady as a lady should be treated; and work hard at being a gentleman.

But you make a good point. When I was abusing (alcohol) I was an emotional wreck... there may be some unresolved issues underlying there.

To be honest she has always struggled with anger and I know it's her fall back when she doesn't know what else to do or feel... so I also think that there is something else than what I'm hearing.

I really hope I'm just imagining and that everything will get better. I'm willing to put in the elbow grease. But lately (as of the last few weeks) she has drawn herself further away from me (emotionally).
The downward spiral of rejection that causes men and women to build emotional walls is indeed fueled by resentment.

Remember, a woman will find a dominant man that is in control of his environment literally irrestible and be deeply sexually attracted to that male. As humans that is our biological inheritance and in our relationships we ignore it at our peril.

If a woman feels her man is not in control of himself or his environment, she will resent and hate him for that in her deepest part of her psyche, even if she doesn't know why herself. This goes for substance addiction, pornagraphy addiction, sports addiction, work addiction too!

And if a woman doesn't find a man sexually attractive, all the appeasment and begging in the world will not only NOT help, it will make her actually mistrust that male and see him merely trying to bribe her for sex or affection. That is the double edged sword of being "too nice" to a woman, she subconciously views such a man as weak and untrustworthy.

In your situation, it is clear what you must do. You must stop trying to appease your wife and fueling that resentment, and instead focus your energy on getting yourself not only "back together" regarding any alcohol or depression, but FIRMLY IN CONTROL of yourself and YOUR RELATIONSHIP with her so your wife sees you as not only able to take care of yourself, but able to PROTECT and ADORE her as well.

What can you do to show her you are in CONTROL of your past addictions? First, take OWNERSHIP of yourself. Not only abstain from alcohol, but actively avoid even the appearance or opportunity of abuse. Take the lead on whatever you need to do to make this happen, and show your wife that you are man enough to see it through!

The same for the depression. Not sure what this will look like, only you will know (counseling, doctor, etc), but whatever action needs to happen you must be the one to initiate it and be the man that will see it through!

The same for your personal appearance, hygiene, work habits, household chores, bill paying, planning evenings out with your wife (plan the evening yourself, don't ask her, TELL her the agenda!)... take ownership and show her that you are IN CONTROL of your environment and that you are a man WORTHY of her.

I wish you well!

Last edited by BigBadWolf; 12-03-2009 at 04:43 AM.
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Old 12-30-2009, 10:38 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charliebond View Post
i really appreciate your input. spying is something that has ran through my mind from time to time. i'm not going to rule out that idea at all. thank you.
Your last name is Bond, so that should help.

Seriously though, this is not usually the route I'd suggest to friends but in this case (especially if she's lied to you before about other things) I think it's very warranted. Counseling probably couldn't hurt, either, but I don't know that you'll get the peace of mind you need from that.
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Old 12-30-2009, 11:47 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: is she being honest with me?

Everyone has given you some good advice. Just remember.....when someone is lying, it is to cover up something. In your case, is the lying covering something big or small? You are wise to investigate. Lying is a serious character flaw, and it just doesn't easily go away. It usually gets worse over time and until trust is gone. And unfortunately when trust is gone, what is really left in the relationship?
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