At a cross roads

shann · 11-22-2009, 02:50 PM

I am at a cross roads in my marriage right now. I have two options to consider. Moving on with mylife without my husband or moving my life on with him in it.

The problem started about 4 years ago now. I was going to school durning the day and working full time at night. We had talked about it before I began and he agreed that the best thing to do is finish school. But after a few months of school he seemed different. We never got to see eachother at all I would sleep on my breaks at school. When I was home he was on the computer and wouldn't really come off. He started to change we wouldn't eat or sleep. He would be short with me wouldn't really ask how I was or anything. If I was home from school because I was sick or classes where cancelled he would get mad and still just sit at the computer. This went on for a long time about a year I would say. I got to the point where I didn't know who he was anymore. I knew something was wrong and confronted him about it he said nothign was wrong and I was just busy with school. I even told him I would leave if that is what he wanted if he didn't care anymore. He swear he loved me and that he wanted to be with me. This is when I started to try and break into his email accounts. I have never been someone who didn't trust or someone who invaded his privacy but I reached a point where I just knew something was wrong.

So basically what I found out was that he had been having an emtional affair with someone he meet online through a game. They only met for one weekend and spent the whole time together. I confonted him and got all the information. I have read every email every letter seen every picture(yes they took pictures together).

Now if it was just a one night stand I might beable to get over it but this was a full affair. He told her he loved her she called him her "real" husband and he did the same to her. I told him it was over between us and that he can have a nice life. He begged me to stay. He didn't know why he did it only he could say was that he felt like I had a purpose that I was making something out of myself and that he wasn't he was a loser and she made him feel good about himself. He said he wanted to stop it so many times but never could find a way. He dropped all contact with this women he never talked to her again. I have tried to move on from it I trust him I really dont' thinik it will happen again. I even separted from him for a period of 4 months to get myself better. I don't think I have healed from this at all.

The other day I realized that I still think about it all the time. I love him he is so wonderful to me treats me like a queen just the perfect guy. But its me now I cna't move on. He doesn't playh that same game he did where he meet her but he plays another game he spent 10 hours playing it the other day. I have a really big problem with this. He knows that and is trying to not play it when I am around but the thing is I dont' want him to play it at all. How is that fair that I should tell him what he can't do. I feel horrible for getting mad about it.

Since the affair I have told him I need him to find otu what is going to make him happy. Maybe getting a hobby (not a computer hobby) I joined a gym and told him I will pay for his membership if he wanted to join me (something we can do together) He said no he didn't need to go. I just feel that he rather spend time playing a game that just wastes time in his life.

This is where my crossroads is ....If I want to start a family with him is he going to be a father that just sits on his butt and doesn't help out? Is he always going to be unhappy because he doesn't feel good enough. I can't make him feel goood enough that is something he has to figure out on his own.

Or do I move on without him. Just say we tried it didn't work divide the stuff and part ways.

He has begged me to stay and not leave him he is very clingie and needy. I am very independant and this is not behavour I enjoy I must say.

Anyone else out there having any kind of issues like this? Am I being to hard on him? or being selfish?

cody5 · 11-22-2009, 03:42 PM

Hard on him? Are you insane? He neglects you, has a full blown affair, says he's sorry but starts the cycle all over again?

No kids? Move on.

Atholk · 11-22-2009, 03:43 PM

I think your overall point of view is pretty much spot on. I believe the first game and the EA was one addiction, and the new game basically just swapped out the addiction. No different than switching from Rum to Vodka. Computer games can be extremely addicting as they essentially light up the same parts of the brain as something like cocaine does. There is a real physiological effect happening.

I struggle myself with gaming addiction. In theory yes I could just play an hour a day or whatever, but one hour can easily leech into 12 for me. My frustration is World of Warcraft. If thats the problem spot for him, I suggest WoW Detox - The Detox center for your World of Warcraft Addiction! (For the most part I'm better and just trying to throw myself into productive activities. We all have our weaknesses, this is mine.)

Anyway, back to you. This is all a mess. He's not going to change anything without serious intervention I think. All in all he seems to be majoring in Fail. You are completely correct that any children will be raised by solely by you with his back turned and the glow of the screen in his face.

Basically he's failing both Alpha and Beta male metatraits. His overall weakness and clinginess just kills any Alpha attraction, and the lack of productive work ethic and family attention cause by the gaming timesink makes him fail the Beta comfort building tasks. Which makes him Omega... meaning don't breed with him.

I'd suggest running a Keylogger to find out exactly how much play time is involved here, and if the Other Woman is still in the picture somehow. He needs to be dragged to counseling or something. Or you could just take a sledgehammer to the computer and he done with it.

But yes. His behavior is well below acceptable.