Wife had an affair with her best friend "girl". What do I do?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-23-2009, 01:23 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Wife had an affair with her best friend "girl". What do I do?

Hi...

Myself, like so many others on this site, am writing for the first time because I am having a hard time dealing with the pain inside. This may be a little long, but I just want to make a few things clear. First, my wife and I have been together for 8 happy years, and married for 2 of those years. Hardly ever fought, and always trusted and supported one another. We never went out a partied that often because I used to do a lot of that in HS and College, and once I met her I settled down, but she had never had the chance to sew her wild oats so to speak. Anyways, we moved to a small town, where she got a job as a teacher and coach at the local high school. I am actually from this town originally and my parents still live here. It is small enough were everyone knows your business. Anyways, we have been doing just fine, or so I thought, except that I have been extremely busy at work as well as she has been with school and sports. We only saw each other a few hours of the night on weeknights and then would hang on the weekends. But, I am jumping ahead of myself.

She made a new friend at the HS, a girl that is about 2 years younger then her, I went to HS with this girl, she is 3 years younger then myself, I am 28. Well they really clicked because they are both sports nuts, and this girl likes to party, a lot! My wife never used to go out and once she started going out with this girl, it turned into every weekend getting drunk like college kids. This girl doesn't have a full time job, besides doing some assistant coach work at the school and helping her dad at his business, so she has a lot of free time. Anyways, as time went on, we started getting into little tifs over nothing, which I thought was really weird, because we really never did that before, then she started ditching me when we had made plans to do something, to instead hang with this girl. I started getting a little worried after I wondered why she kept smiling and hiding her text messages from me, she never did that before either. But of course I thought that was just because she wanted "girl time".

She has never had a good friend before, didn't get much of a chance to make a good friend in college because we always hung out together or went out with some of my friends that were married. So that is my fault in a way, although I thought she enjoyed hanging out all the time. Anyways, one day I come home from work during the day, and I know this girl was over at the house hanging out, no big deal, but when I came to the door, it was locked, I opened it quick, and caught a glimpse of this girl jumping up from the couch where my wife was sitting, and they both started talking really fast. That of course got me weirded out, and I confronted my wife about it, she said that "her friend" thought I would probably think it is weird that she was laying down, showing her pictures on her phone. I asked her straight out if anything was going on, and she said no, never. "why would you think something like that, you know me, I would never do that". But she didn't really get angry at me, which was weird because their was no fight to it. I said I was sorry and she ended up leaving with this girl to go eat in another city 25 minutes away.

She came back that night and came to where I work, and said that she wanted to talk about this. She could not believe that I would think that she could do something like that, and with a girl, and with a girl who is her best friend now, finally someone to hang out with. And she said she didn't want me thinking that everytime she hangs out with this girl. She promised not to say anything about this to the girl, because she said it would be weird and she didn't want to lose her friendship. So I apologized and laughed it off, told her she was right I was stupid for thinking that. Well things went on like normal, hanging out with this girl uptown and stuff...and always coming home drunk on the weekends. This girl even stayed the night a few times at our house, and my wife would stay upstairs with her, I asked why she would do this and she said it's what girls do, they just need to vent and hang out.

So a week later, the girl comes over to our house when I am leaving for another city an hour away to do some shopping. When I come back that night, both the locks on the door are locked, and when I open, the girl is laying her head in my wives lap on the couch. She didn't jump up or get startled. So I thought that was weird that first, both the locks for locked, and the girl didn't move this time. The next day, it really started eating at me, so I did some searching and found that my wife left her e-mail account open. I searched the deleted and sent msgs, and found a bunch from texting with this girl. And what do I find: 40 or more msg's with these two talking back and forth about rubbing each other shoulders, and this girl talking about what a flirt my wife is, and how this girl can take my wives mind off the game (she is a coach), when she has had a bad night. Also talking at 3:30 am when in bed, my wife texting her "you said I should text when I need another fix" Then they have the major talk about, how they are doing this, and not sure what it is, and how to talk about it, but it feels good."

Well that night I was really angry, but I am a gentle person, and I sat my wife down and confronted her, she yelled at me first for checking her e-mail, which she has never had a problem with me checking it for her before while she was busy by the way. And after that I kept crying and shouting that I want the truth! Over and over again, and she said that yes, they have kissed, one night when they were drunk. And I said you are lying I have seen the txt msgs and this has been going on for over a month. She then admitted that it was happening while they were sober to. She says all they did was kiss, but I don't believe that, especially if you keep getting physical with a person, and when you are drunk at times, but she swears by it. But how am I supposed to believe her, even after she gave me a guilt trip when she came and talked to me the first time, saying she was disappointed in my for thinking she could do something like this, the first time I asked her. I asked what she was thinking, how she can throw away our life together so far. I am a person that believes in love to its strongest degree. She said that she still loves me, but it was more of a comfort thing. I got mad at that because I buy her roses all the time, get her things, I love to lay down with her and snuggle. She said it was mostly about the sex (it seems we haven't made much time for it since we have been so busy, always tired, and just want to hang out, is what I thought). That we both have been working hard and late hours lately and she said she has mentioned it before, and maybe I just didn't hear it the right way. But she is as much fault as I am, she coaches 4 different sports and has school and games almost every day.

Except she took it a bit farther, the other reason this girl did this as well, is because she has a boyfriend that she always fights with, and my wife said they just found comfort in each other. Ok, well there is a lot more to this, A LOT More. I know what I have done wrong by working to much, and I told her we should have sat down and talked about this before she did something so stupid. I want to work on the marriage, as does she, but here is the kicker and the hard part. She has never had a best friend before, and she said that I have every right to tell her not to see this girl anymore or talk with her, but it's kind of hard because they work at the same school, well she doesn't want to lose the friendship aspect of this relationship. She also says that I can't tell anybody about this because this small town talks, and things could get really heavy and crazy. I in no way would ever want to hurt my wife, the one I thought of as my true and only love. I guess I also don't want to hurt this other girl either, because the town like this would eat them up.

But how am I supposed to deal with this when I can't tell a sole, (because I don't want them thinking my wife is a terrible person, and also getting them in trouble), and that she wants to still be friends with the person she was having an affair with. I mean this is a really weird freaking scenario!!!! I don't know what to do, I am thinking about marriage counseling, but I can tell you the first step they would say is to not see this other girl anymore, which in all reality would be the best thing. But my wife doesn't have any friends but me, and I don't want her to feel terrible and hateful towards me for taking that away from her for the rest of her life, although, she knows this was her fault, her mistake, and I have every right to think and say that.

I told her I would try to deal, it has been 6 days now and here is the kicker, it is my wives birthday tmr the 23rd. I gave her her gift already, she said she didn't deserve it, but what else was I going to do? I feel my wives happiness should be put before mine, but when is it to much. Should I allow her to still hang with this person, how is that going to help the trust issues? I am becoming something that I never thought I would become, a untrusting individual who sees little things and things that could be. I just don't know how to feel, I am looking for anybody that may have went thru something like this. I don't discriminate between lesbians or straight, either would help, but I still see it as cheating, wether it's a girl or a guy she did it with. And no I am not one of those people that is like "Cool it's with a girl, can I join in"! No, I am the complete opposite, I more of a "Notebook" type of guy, really care about the love aspect of "love". Please help? Thank you...

Broken-Hearted Man.

Last edited by spiderweb23; 11-23-2009 at 01:32 AM. Reason: no paragraphs, hope this helps.
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Old 11-23-2009, 01:29 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair with her best friend "girl". What do I do?

I would like to read your LONG posting, but I cannot wade into it.

Please, please, please edit it to include paragraphs!
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Old 11-23-2009, 01:33 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair with her best friend "girl". What do I do?

hope that helps...sorry, just really on edge. Thanks for at least trying to read it.
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Old 11-23-2009, 06:01 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair with her best friend "girl". What do I do?

No she doesn't get to stay friends. Would you let a guy who was about to have sex with your wife, be her friend. Unless you stop this (that means no contact) they will have sex. Or one day she will come to you and say, "Gee honey I love you but I'm not in love with you". Or, " I need to take a break and find out where this is going". You had better find the sand to stop this or she will cheat on you again. And yes kissing is cheating. She is having an emotional affair as well.
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Old 11-23-2009, 08:22 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair with her best friend "girl". What do I do?

That was the EDITED version? Damn. But if it's got chicks making out, I'm reading.

There was a syndiacted radio program on a while ago called "Loveline". Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla (yes, THAT Adam Corolla). You may remember it from it's short life on MTV. Even though Adam was there for comedic support, he must have learned a lot from the doctor , because he would talk sometimes and Dr. Drew would nod in agreement.

I remember well one time he was rambling on about two girls that had EXACTLY this type of relationship. That two heterosexual girls can act like this and be straight. Now, the friend seems like your quintissential sports dyke that may be taking advantage of your wife, so that's what I'd watch out for. Plus, if there are problems w/ two busy people finding time for each other, she's got to be cognisant of the fact that she's pulling away from you. But that's easier to overcome than "you married me in a lie because you're really a queer".

Do a little research and talk to her. This made more sense in my head than it does in this post, but I hope it helped. At least a little.
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Old 11-23-2009, 12:16 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair with her best friend "girl". What do I do?

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Originally Posted by Initfortheduration View Post
No she doesn't get to stay friends. Would you let a guy who was about to have sex with your wife, be her friend. Unless you stop this (that means no contact) they will have sex. Or one day she will come to you and say, "Gee honey I love you but I'm not in love with you". Or, " I need to take a break and find out where this is going". You had better find the sand to stop this or she will cheat on you again. And yes kissing is cheating. She is having an emotional affair as well.
No I wouldn't let a guy stay friends with her or even see her for that matter. I understand where you are coming from on this, I have told her the same thing, what if the positions had switched, she said she doesn't know what she would do. It's just harder because I don't want her to be unhappy, I am a pushover like this, but I also will not be walked all over, there is a limit, and I think she is reaching it because of asking this of me, to let her still be friends and then not tell anyone in the town. I don't know, I do agree with you though, I think it could happen again.
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Old 11-23-2009, 12:20 PM   #7 (permalink)
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cody5....Thanks for the advice, I think I know what you are saying and yes I have seen that show before, and I understand that these girls can do this but still be straight. The other girl has a boyfriend, and I have known her a long time and seen her with all types of guys. I don't think she is a lesbian per-say, but what they did together, how else do you take it. I appreciate your writings, and I do agree it is less hard then "marrying me in a lie..." But of course it still hurts. The only thing is, how do I get back into the groove of things for her right away, I can barely look at her at times, and this will probably push her away even more.
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Old 11-23-2009, 12:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Also how do I stop the no contact thing, they work at school together and are bound to see each other maybe even every day. This sucks!!
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Old 11-23-2009, 12:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair with her best friend "girl". What do I do?

Thanks for fixing the paragraphs.

OK, your wife is having an affair with this woman is really confused about the boundaries of friendship and infidelity.

Double locking the door is a way to slow down discovery by you. What's disturbing is that she is willing to risk discovery at all for this. She is and the other person definitely is getting off on this.

If I were you I would put my foot down. She can't have sleep overs and all emotional connections with this woman to this level and be your wife.

if she is exploring a different aspect of sexuality than she has revealed previously to you, she ought to be honest with you and not do this Bsing.

She is not respecting you and her vows.
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Old 11-23-2009, 01:26 PM   #10 (permalink)
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How do you stop it? Lawyer. Get one. Tell her to CHOOSE NOW. Do not let her talk you into dragging this out. She must send a No Contact letter and the two of them must cease contact. If it's at work, then she needs to transfer immediately to something else.

Don't let this continue one more day.
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Old 11-23-2009, 02:24 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by michzz View Post
Thanks for fixing the paragraphs.

OK, your wife is having an affair with this woman is really confused about the boundaries of friendship and infidelity.

Double locking the door is a way to slow down discovery by you. What's disturbing is that she is willing to risk discovery at all for this. She is and the other person definitely is getting off on this.

If I were you I would put my foot down. She can't have sleep overs and all emotional connections with this woman to this level and be your wife.

if she is exploring a different aspect of sexuality than she has revealed previously to you, she ought to be honest with you and not do this Bsing.

She is not respecting you and her vows.
I agree. It is her birthday today, but I don't think I can hold out on not talking more about this another day. I do have to put my foot down, it's just a matter of if I want to hear the answer. Thanks for your input.
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Old 11-23-2009, 02:26 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Sven View Post
How do you stop it? Lawyer. Get one. Tell her to CHOOSE NOW. Do not let her talk you into dragging this out. She must send a No Contact letter and the two of them must cease contact. If it's at work, then she needs to transfer immediately to something else.

Don't let this continue one more day.
It's kind of hard to transfer, it is a teacher in a small town. I think I am going to put a stop to the "talking with this girl anymore". I will just have to try to take control and hope that she loves me enough to stay. Thanks
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Old 11-23-2009, 04:45 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair with her best friend "girl". What do I do?

spider, get the lawyer tell her that she has to choose. If she fiddles around at all.....out her to HR at the school and to the OW boyfriend...seriously. Maybe if she was shamed she would spend more time around you where she should be. And her comment about you being a "comfort thing" is a deal breaker by itself. You have to put your foot down
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Old 11-23-2009, 06:11 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair with her best friend "girl". What do I do?

i agree. you need to act now. tough love.

when it comes to infidelity, your odds of saving it are best the moment you find out. the longer you wait, the worse your chances get.

i would tell her that all communication with this girl outside of work needs to stop asap. threaten her with divorce/lawyer etc. you must force a crisis, force her to make a decision now before her mind gets further out of the door. the fact that shes deathly afraid of being outed could work in your favor. and that she could loose her job

read a book called ''love must be tough'' by james dobson, it has helped me and would help you too
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