My H and I celebrated our tenth anniversary in July. Since March, we've been happily rebuilding our marriage after infidelity on his part and neglect on mine. I won't bore you with all the details- they're similar to a lot of the situations here. What seems to make mine unique is that we have no children.(Not by choice) I read a lot of posts about trying to save marriages for the kids. I don't think that's the only reason. I know that in the beginning of all of this, my family and friends wondered why I would stay with my H. It made me feel a little ashamed,at first. So, is it possible that some people open their eyes in the aftermath of an A and realize they truly love their spouse,but convince themselves and others that it's for the sake of the children to save face? Posted via Mobile Device
After an affair I think we search for reasons to try to make sense of something that doesn't fit into what true love should be. Maybe its just me but I never thought the story of true love involved neglect or affairs.
When I must confront the fact that the person I married was intimate with someone else it really gutted alot of what I thought our marriage was about. I really needed to come up with a reason to continue the relationship instead of chalking it up to a painful lesson and moving on in the hopes of finding someone who had also learned this lesson independantly.
Our children, being able to provide a stable home with parents who treat each other well is a huge part of the awnser to that. There is also the fact that I became aware of how I was pushing her away, and I was able to correct my actions and attitude so it wouldn't happen again. I feel there is less a chance of being cheated on again with my wife than there would be if I met someone new.
I will agree that the aftermath of an affair is an eye-opener, but not to the fact that I "truely love" my spouce. It opened my eyes to the fact I have no idea what true love is. In all the stories of marriage I hear its really not about love, its about circumstance, infatuation, calculation, and people just making the best of the situation they find themselves in. If you can see love in that you have more faith than I have been left with, but I think that two people can come to a greater understanding of each other after they are completely honest about the wrongs they have done each other, totally independant of any children situation.
I just think that minus the children the idea of "true love" would lead us to just agree to be friends with the person who wronged us and look for someone with whom we could try again to create a relationship with out the hurt and doubt that infidelity brings. Thats my take on it anyways.
For all the marriages that stayed together for the sake of the children, likely a similar number of marriages shouldn't have stayed together for the children.
Each marriage is but a single drop of water in the larger ocean of marriage statisitics. What you make of your marriage is largely up to you and your husband.
__________________
I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/
I also dealt with the shame and sense of obligation to end my relationship after my partner had an affair. And we are not married, we just live together and have been dating for 5 1/2 years, with a month to month lease so I could have easily left.
What made me stay was knowing that our relationship was in disrepair when this happened, and there was a chance to fix those problems. I'd had nagging worries about him since we met - his ADHD was untreated and I suspected it was controlling his life more than he realized. Well, now he is on medication, we are in therapy, and things are already better after 2 months than they have been in years. Of course the pain of the A still lingers, and the crazy OW is still trying to rope him back in, which is unfortunate to deal with to say the least. But I do feel like we have a fresh start and the type of relationship I'd always hoped for but never quite got.
I think the only person who can decide if a relationship is worth saving is someone in the relationship.
NightOwl, I'm glad things are better for you,now. It's nice to hear from someone else who has decided to work things out even though there are no children to consider. I was beginning to think I might be the only one. My H and I were talking last weekend about how we feel closer and happier in our relationship than we have been in years- maybe ever. That's why if it were to happen again,now,the way things are between us-I wouldn't even try to forgive him.
Childless marriages worth saving,too?
