New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-02-2013, 03:06 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will he do the same thing to me as my POSX did.
By sitting here thinking this, am I setting my self up to fail?

I truly want to be happy, I want to find a LTR and have babies but I feel like I am waiting for him to cheat cos that is what men do.


I am not saying ALL men cheat.
I am saying I fear it will happen to me again.

Last edited by Unaware; 07-02-2013 at 08:24 PM.
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Old 07-02-2013, 05:20 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

I have been married 31 years. I have never cheated, nor have I ever wanted to.
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Old 07-02-2013, 05:24 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

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Originally Posted by Thound View Post
I have been married 31 years. I have never cheated, nor have I ever wanted to.
Sorry, That is what men have done to me
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Old 07-02-2013, 06:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

I can see and understand how you view this. I agree with the other poster, I have been married 14 years and have never cheated. My W on the other hand has. I like you wonder, if/ when I were to D will I always be so jaded and untrusting as I am now? I find myself watching "happy" couples and wondering which of them is the wayward and hate myself for having this view on life. It also seems that since finding this out everyone I seem to know has a WW and according to the posts around here it generally seems to occur around the 7-12 year marks that people stray.

I hope that you can get over this feeling. I would suggest maybe joining a support group or getting some counseling to help with this issue. Good luck.
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Old 07-02-2013, 06:58 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

I have never cheated
I have never even lip kissed a woman since before we agreed to exclusivity.
Life is about chances.
It hurts so bad because when we love it feels so good.
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Old 07-02-2013, 12:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

Married 30 years and never cheated. My wife on the other hand has. I know how you feel about waiting for the other shoe to drop. I still get those feelings about whether she is still cheating and I am hoping that it passes. Have those feeling today, yet I know where she is.
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Old 07-02-2013, 01:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

Lets hear it for the faithful men out there!

I am female married a decade have never cheated
No EA no PA had chances but that told me what kind
of man I was dealing with, slapped them down and took pride
In defending my stbx's honor when he was not there to do it
himself.

He never cared or appreciated that about me.

For me I think I know problems in my self that attracted and keept me with stbx WH
are something that I need to fix in myself so it does not happen again.

I certainty understand the anxiety.

Look up Freud's "Repetition Compulsion"
Or Cognitive " Maladaptive schema"

We are not at fault for what others do and we can not predict or control them.
But we can do our darn best, not staying for the wrong reason or attracting them
because of something on our end.

To me these kinds of things help take some if the mystery out and put the ball back in your court.

Book I like is called "Enough dam it" by Karen Salmansohn fun book it's all about fearing the same thing happing again in your life
and why it happens.
Other is more indepth called "emotional alchemy" by Tara Bennett-Goleman available on audio book for iPhone.
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Old 07-02-2013, 01:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

Previously married 23 years, never cheated.

Re-married in October 2012, never cheated.
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Old 07-02-2013, 01:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

With my wife 20 years never cheated. She however...

So the real question is. Are you repeating a pattern? What percent of past relationships ended with cheating?
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Old 07-02-2013, 03:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unaware View Post
I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will he do the same thing to me as my POSX did.
By sitting here thinking this, am I setting my self up to fail?

I truly want to be happy, I want to find a LTR and have babies but I feel like I am waiting for him to cheat cos that is what men do.
I was married for 12 years, never cheated. My stbxw did, however. Not all men are cheaters.
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Old 07-02-2013, 03:01 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

I suppose it depends on the reason why they cheated? Was it their character? Something wrong in your relationship? What situations were you in before that allowed/lead to the cheating?

I ask because it is not so much about sitting there waiting for it to happen, more about building a relationship where boundaries are set and reinforced, and about making sure you are both happy in the relationship, the one thing I have learned is that it is always a lack of communication that leads to problems, problems then lead to bigger issues and cheating is one of those bigger issues!!!

In just being open and honest in the boundaries and making sure that you have an amicable partnership is best base option and build it from there, not all men cheat or even want to cheat, but for some they have reason and motive in their heads, just about making sure you are suitably matched.
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Old 07-02-2013, 03:02 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

Wow - all these faithful dudes here whose wives cheated on them. Look at us.
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Old 07-02-2013, 03:48 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

22 years here. Never cheated.

I guess the bottom line is you will never be 100% sure. But you either try to love again or live alone.

You are leg up in the game now that you know what to look for. Don't ignore any red flags. Discuss everything openly and honestly. If the person you are dating doesn't reciprocate, shuts down, shuts you down or calls you nuts. Then bail. Don't think the 1st guy you date is going to be 'the guy'.
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Old 07-02-2013, 04:15 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Healer View Post
Wow - all these faithful dudes here whose wives cheated on them. Look at us.
Yup. The sad part is most people wonder what we did to "make" our wives cheat. It also can cause the next relationships a little stress due to our fears.

The good part is that it is a plus in the dating world, if you are looking to re-marry.

It probably is the same for women???? Not sure how it is for BW.

Do you (OP) feel they are judged harshly for not keeping their WH faithful? Are you thinking that your fear of finding a faithful man is holding you back?
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Old 07-02-2013, 04:18 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?

It's simple. When you have a vag it's easier to pick up guys...you can be a "3" and still find someone to hook up with from the pub every night practically. For a guy to have the same success he's gotta be an "8" or better and will need to play his A game.
I feel for you OP, it sucks to be in that position. Sometimes I compare it to having pets, you get attached to a dog or cat and then a few years down the road they pass away and you have to deal with the pain of their loss. Then the decision to get another one, or just settle for a fish tank and when one dies.....meh.
Risk vs. reward is the game.
Honestly if I end up in CWI I'll be thinking long and hard before entering another relationship and I doubt I will marry again.
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