I think I will try the letter thing, though I doubt it gets me too far. I just feel like 2+ years is plenty of time for us to be on the right track by now.
As many times as I say I am fed up and I am going to leave, I don't think I could ever do it. He would have to leave me, which I constantly tell him he should just do and get it over with, but he refuses. Lawyers cost money, that's a very expensive threat.
I know what I write bothers you, but I'll do it anyway.
It just seems to me that the price of what you did is to have far more patience than you seem to have. A sense of humility and empathy seems lacking.
Are there problems in your marriage? No doubt of that.
Should you twist in the wind forever? No.
What do you owe him?
A real attempt to fix things. He's wounded and not reacting well to what you did.
You wounded and are not reacting well to what you did either.
It is really unfair that a lot of times the person betrayed has to be the one to step up and fix things. Some are not able to rise up out of their pain and do so.
On some level you seem motivate to try to fix things, but only if you get to complain of him and you get validation of your complaints of him.
If I were you, I would seek professional help both with him and by yourself and try a real attempt to fix things. If he won't go, then go without him to get this started.
Whatever your troubles were before you cheated cannot even be addressed yet, the cheating complicated things enormously, destroying trust and causing pain. The other issues can't be addressed until this is worked through to the satisfaction of both you and your husband.
But being fed up with him for his lack of getting over your affair is not the way to fix it.
You just seem to have an answer for everything, don't you? I am fed up because it's not like it is 2 days later, it's years later and we have gotten nowhere. Have you paid attention to that fact? I have not once said that it is his responsibility entirely to fix things. What I am saying is he seems content with living how we are and not seeking professional help or anything of that sort. I do what I can, but I need him to help a little. Just as you say he can't fix everything, neither can I. Don't assume I haven't made a real attempt to fix things, because I have. Over and over again and it gets me nowhere.
As far as me going to a shrink on my own, I don't even think he would let me do that. I am not allowed to do anything unless he is there. Yet he won't do the therapy thing. So it's a cycle.
If you found a way to make time to cheat it is a far easier thing to find a way to seek professional counseling.
You being frustrated that it has been years is merely an expression of your frustration, not of really resolving things.
Two years can be hardly any time at all for someone wounded by infidelity--especially if they avoid getting help. There is nothing magical about the passage of time.
The difference between yourself and your husband is pretty basic. You know every detail of what transpired and your mindset both then and now.
He doesn't know any of that. He doesn't trust you.
I really do think you should do what it takes to seek professional help.
It's been over two years. There comes a point where you are either going to get over it or you aren't. I can't wait around forever for a guy who is never going to be what he was again. I get that what I did was wrong and hurtful. But I would switch roles with him in a heartbeat, because the way he has been treating me for the past two years has been much worse than being cheated on.
I seriously doubt that! You think the way he is treating you now is worse than being cheated on? Sorry you have no idea what its like to be cheated on. Its likely this attitude that has him put up the barriers which you may now never get past. Everyone heals at a different rate and your attitude seems to be you either are or are not going to get over it and hey what I did was wrong but you are WORSE. If I were in your H's shoes, I would have left you.
Sorry that seems harsh but if you love him and want to work it out then you do need to hear the truth. If you don't, then simply leave.
What have you done to help him past this? Did he discover the affair or did you confess? Have you been completely open and honest with him. Did he have a lot of questions, did you answer them truthfully? If he's worth it to you then I would suggest that you do some things to reignite the love that you once both felt for each other. Plan a date night, a surprise, something he would like that is romantic. Don't talk about your troubles, no pressure just for fun. Do this once a week or if finance/timing doesn't allow that then at least every 2 weeks. Make him see you are committed to this marriage. It sounds to me like he is waiting for you to do it again and testing your commitment.
I agree with AZMOMOFTWO. Saying that you'd rather be cheated on seems insensitive. Have you read posts on here from the people who have been hurt by infidelity? There is also a lot of forgiveness on here,and I think that has so much to do with how much remorse and patience the cheater shows their spouse. What about a romantic gesture on your part for your anniversary? How about writing new vows to renew your commitment and devotion to him? Posted via Mobile Device
OK. I'll be the first to admit that compared to what most of you have gone through, I'm a big, fat p.u.s.s.y for hanging around the "coping" section. But unless there's some kind of rule that a cheater can't be forgiven and a marriage can't be salvaged, you all need to cut her some slack and give her the advice she seeks.
I'll even be willing to take some of the heat by suggesting that SHE needs to get tough with HIM. She needs to lay down the law.
"Somethng terrible happened in our marriage, I am to blame, and I take full responsibility. And I am SORRY. But if we can't fix it we need to cut our losses and move on. I can't do it all. Believe me, I would if I could, but it's not possible. You've got to either man-up and work with me, TOGETHER, or it ain't gonna' happen".
I think everyone's suffered enough here. I don't think they need to keep score any more. It will be unfortunate if it can't be fixed, but everyone needs to move on.
What have you done to help him past this? Did he discover the affair or did you confess? Have you been completely open and honest with him. Did he have a lot of questions, did you answer them truthfully? If he's worth it to you then I would suggest that you do some things to reignite the love that you once both felt for each other. Plan a date night, a surprise, something he would like that is romantic. Don't talk about your troubles, no pressure just for fun. Do this once a week or if finance/timing doesn't allow that then at least every 2 weeks. Make him see you are committed to this marriage. It sounds to me like he is waiting for you to do it again and testing your commitment.
As I stated earlier, the other guy told him. Yes, he had a ton of questions and I answered them honestly. Also, as I said earlier...we do things together all the time like dates and spending time without our daughter. During that time, we don't talk about anything negative, just spend the time together. I get that just because it's been two years that he isn't just going to snap his fingers and forget it. I am saying that in two years, we have made basically no progress at all.
And...you so kindly pointed out how I found the time to cheat. During the time I cheated, my husband had moved out of our house and was living with his parents. We were technically seperated. So things were a lot different than they are now. My work schedule is different, as is his. Our daughter is in school, we are working on doing repairs to a new house before we move in...so don't assume.
I agree with AZMOMOFTWO. Saying that you'd rather be cheated on seems insensitive. Have you read posts on here from the people who have been hurt by infidelity? There is also a lot of forgiveness on here,and I think that has so much to do with how much remorse and patience the cheater shows their spouse. What about a romantic gesture on your part for your anniversary? How about writing new vows to renew your commitment and devotion to him? Posted via Mobile Device
That is my personal opinion. I have been cheated on in the past and yeah, it hurt at the time. But eventually I realized my boyfriend was staying with me, didn't want to be with the other girl. Not saying I didn't think about it from time to time, but I didn't dwell on it everyday of my life and hold back on basic things that we did together. That wasn't going to get me anywhere.
OK. I'll be the first to admit that compared to what most of you have gone through, I'm a big, fat p.u.s.s.y for hanging around the "coping" section. But unless there's some kind of rule that a cheater can't be forgiven and a marriage can't be salvaged, you all need to cut her some slack and give her the advice she seeks.
I'll even be willing to take some of the heat by suggesting that SHE needs to get tough with HIM. She needs to lay down the law.
"Somethng terrible happened in our marriage, I am to blame, and I take full responsibility. And I am SORRY. But if we can't fix it we need to cut our losses and move on. I can't do it all. Believe me, I would if I could, but it's not possible. You've got to either man-up and work with me, TOGETHER, or it ain't gonna' happen".
I think everyone's suffered enough here. I don't think they need to keep score any more. It will be unfortunate if it can't be fixed, but everyone needs to move on.
I know; easy for me to say.
Thank you very much. I am glad someone is finally understanding. I didn't come here to be judged, which seems to be all I am getting besides "go get professional help"...to which I keep saying, it isn't going to happen. I don't like the idea of it, but I would go. He just flat out won't go.
I have tried that with him a few times. Not in the beginning because that would have been very insensitive. But in the past six months or so, I will say I have said that to him a few times. Maybe the problem with this is, that as many times as I say it, I never go anywhere.
Another big problem is that everytime we argue about anything...he brings it up! If I say you didn't take out the trash, he throws cheating in my face. If I say I want to go out to lunch with a friend, I'm not allowed because I cheated. When I go shopping with my MOTHER he makes me take a picture of her with my phone and send it to him to prove I am with her and I have to do this because I cheated. It's just not helping things. Bringing it up over and over again isn't going to get us anywhere.
I keep telling him, if you can't start to cope with the past, how are we ever supposed to have a future? I am very careful not to use the word "deal" because I realize he shouldn't have to just deal with something like this.
I can understand how frustrating it must be to have no progress in 2 years. Is he the type of person who holds grudges and is so unforgiving in other areas of his life? I ask, because, while I'm no doormat, I'm pretty easy going and not prone to blaming others for my problems. So, that may account,in part, for my willingness to forgive my H.I still have bad days, but I love him. I also notice the bad days getting further and further apart. For him to not tell you he loves you after 2 years must hurt. I think you're going to have to demand that he sit down and try to talk it out. Posted via Mobile Device
Another big problem is that everytime we argue about anything...he brings it up! If I say you didn't take out the trash, he throws cheating in my face. If I say I want to go out to lunch with a friend, I'm not allowed because I cheated. When I go shopping with my MOTHER he makes me take a picture of her with my phone and send it to him to prove I am with her and I have to do this because I cheated. It's just not helping things. Bringing it up over and over again isn't going to get us anywhere.
OK, a part of the problem you have with your husband is with trust. He totally mistrusts you and does not see a reason to grant you that trust again. And you do not understand his reticence. You believe yourself to be a trustworthy person despite what transpired.
So how to get past this impasse?
You have to be transparent. The kind of things you say you want to do? Visit with your mom, shopping trips with girlfriends, were those the kinds of outings you used as cover when you cheated?
It takes a huge leap of faith for someone who has been cheated on to try to trust again.
It will not help your cause to have a an attitude of annoyance about the lack of trust, nor an attitude of entitlement for it as well.
That said, if there is to be progress, you need a breakthrough. Something must occur.
If the argument starts with the trash but ends at the affair, it is because the affair is not resolved. Your husband cannot abide being told to take out the trash by you because he see that kind of interaction as a privilege of a happy marriage and also feels like you and he have to fix this. But sadly, he doesn't know how to.
Wallowing in pain is not working for him though.
If you have to, get an appointment with a counselor, drop your kids off at your mom's and insist he go with you or it's over.
I can understand how frustrating it must be to have no progress in 2 years. Is he the type of person who holds grudges and is so unforgiving in other areas of his life? I ask, because, while I'm no doormat, I'm pretty easy going and not prone to blaming others for my problems. So, that may account,in part, for my willingness to forgive my H.I still have bad days, but I love him. I also notice the bad days getting further and further apart. For him to not tell you he loves you after 2 years must hurt. I think you're going to have to demand that he sit down and try to talk it out. Posted via Mobile Device
He doesn't hold grudges elsewhere, no. At least not that I notice. He is pretty forgiving when it comes to most other things. I am going to wait til next week when our anniversary has passed and Thanksgiving is over to tell him that we really need to sit down and talk. I doubt he humors me by actually contributing much to the conversation, but I am going to try.
Re: I Cheated on My Husband...
