OK, a part of the problem you have with your husband is with trust. He totally mistrusts you and does not see a reason to grant you that trust again. And you do not understand his reticence. You believe yourself to be a trustworthy person despite what transpired.
So how to get past this impasse?
You have to be transparent. The kind of things you say you want to do? Visit with your mom, shopping trips with girlfriends, were those the kinds of outings you used as cover when you cheated?
It takes a huge leap of faith for someone who has been cheated on to try to trust again.
It will not help your cause to have a an attitude of annoyance about the lack of trust, nor an attitude of entitlement for it as well.
That said, if there is to be progress, you need a breakthrough. Something must occur.
If the argument starts with the trash but ends at the affair, it is because the affair is not resolved. Your husband cannot abide being told to take out the trash by you because he see that kind of interaction as a privilege of a happy marriage and also feels like you and he have to fix this. But sadly, he doesn't know how to.
Wallowing in pain is not working for him though.
If you have to, get an appointment with a counselor, drop your kids off at your mom's and insist he go with you or it's over.
Sometimes a line in the sand is necessary.
No, these aren't things I used to use as cover when I cheated on him. Again I point out that we weren't even living together at the time. So it's a stretch in my mind to even consider it cheating, but after some thought, I decided I could call it that. I am transparent. He has my passwords, he can pick up my phone anytime he wants and look through it, I don't delete my internet history. When he asks for proof of where I am at or who I am with, I give it to him.
No, these aren't things I used to use as cover when I cheated on him. Again I point out that we weren't even living together at the time. So it's a stretch in my mind to even consider it cheating, but after some thought, I decided I could call it that. I am transparent. He has my passwords, he can pick up my phone anytime he wants and look through it, I don't delete my internet history. When he asks for proof of where I am at or who I am with, I give it to him.
This is the crux of the problem. You were still married, location did not matter, the vow did.
This is the crux of the problem. You were still married, location did not matter, the vow did.
Not to you, but apparently to him.
Well I suppose I feel that because he is the one that made the choice to move out, that I had freedom to do what I wanted. When two people decided to go there own seperate ways, why should they be held back from doing what they want now that they are technically single? My marriage vows meant a lot to me, but we were seperated. So going by what you are saying...a couple in the middle of a divorce shouldn't have sex or have a relationship with anyone else because their marriage isn't completely void yet...that makes no sense.
Well I suppose I feel that because he is the one that made the choice to move out, that I had freedom to do what I wanted. When two people decided to go there own seperate ways, why should they be held back from doing what they want now that they are technically single? My marriage vows meant a lot to me, but we were seperated. So going by what you are saying...a couple in the middle of a divorce shouldn't have sex or have a relationship with anyone else because their marriage isn't completely void yet...that makes no sense.
You didn't divorce. Did you have an agreement specifically that it was ok to have sex with someone else? Did he move out because you had a guy in mind?
You leave out a lot of details until pressed. Is that how you are with him?
I just really think you'd do well with a professional. I don't buy it that you can't go.
You didn't divorce. Did you have an agreement specifically that it was ok to have sex with someone else? Did he move out because you had a guy in mind?
You leave out a lot of details until pressed. Is that how you are with him?
I just really think you'd do well with a professional. I don't buy it that you can't go.
No, we didn't divorce, but he moved out. We weren't together and weren't planning on getting back together. Meaning, in my opinion, that either of us had a reason not to see other people. He didn't move out because of the other guy, no. And I don't give a lot of detail because at the time, I am just trying to get out what I am thinking as quickly as possible. So yeah, sometimes I think of other things later and mention them.
How about this...you babysit my daughter, you tell her teacher not to give her homework that needs done, you make dinner, you do my grocery shopping, you do my laundry, you clean my house, you do my Christmas shopping and wrapping, you pay for the therapy, you work my job for me, and you knock my husband out and drag him there. Then everything will be in order for me to go get professional help.
My wife decided that she wanted to explore her other options behind my back for way too long and since it started it has been 4 years and we are still working out things. Nearly a year ago I walked in on her in my bed.......Guys take this kind of thing to heart and it hurts worse than anything.
It seems you are making a lot of excuses that I hear from my wife. She tells me that I have full access to her email and such and found she was still trying to hide things. Believe it or not guys talk and one of the biggest problems I have of getting over infidelity is that she did not make the desicion to tell me I found out every detail before she admitted to me. The best thing you can do is make a decision and stick with it! Professional help? Be kind ALL the time! Show him he is special to you that is what is helping me and my wife along.
No, we didn't divorce, but he moved out. We weren't together and weren't planning on getting back together. Meaning, in my opinion, that either of us had a reason not to see other people. He didn't move out because of the other guy, no. And I don't give a lot of detail because at the time, I am just trying to get out what I am thinking as quickly as possible. So yeah, sometimes I think of other things later and mention them.
How about this...you babysit my daughter, you tell her teacher not to give her homework that needs done, you make dinner, you do my grocery shopping, you do my laundry, you clean my house, you do my Christmas shopping and wrapping, you pay for the therapy, you work my job for me, and you knock my husband out and drag him there. Then everything will be in order for me to go get professional help.
I have been reading this thread and have meant to chime in. First I will say that on some level you have justified what you did by saying you were on a break. You have come off in this thread at not showing as much remorse or patience for the situation. This is why you are having a tough time getting the response you are lookin for from this forum.
Ok now that is out of the way. I will tell you that my wife and I have been to counseling and struggled to pay for it, or make time for it. Yet we did because we wanted things to work out.
I think it's time for you to sit and make a plan for what you want to happen. I do agree that 2 years is a long time to have this be held over your head, and there should be progress. What has been done up to this point to work towards healing?
Your husband seems to be stuck. I think you should tell him that you are getting the feeling that he will never trust you again, and you do want his trust back. Ask him what he needs to have happen to be able to trust you again. If he says that he will never trust you again, well then you know what you need to do. You need to start getting a plan in place so you can move forward.
From what I have read from you I am seeing that you are focusing on the problems, and I don't hear you trying to work out much of a solution. Just from the last post you had when trying to talk about counseling, you listed a ton of reasons why you can't do it. Well I had all of those road blocks and found a way to make it happen. If you really want something bad enough, you will find a way to make it happen.
How about this...you babysit my daughter, you tell her teacher not to give her homework that needs done, you make dinner, you do my grocery shopping, you do my laundry, you clean my house, you do my Christmas shopping and wrapping, you pay for the therapy, you work my job for me, and you knock my husband out and drag him there. Then everything will be in order for me to go get professional help.
Excuses. You don't think I know how hard it is to do EVERYTHING and then have to fix a sh!tstorm to boot?
Well, sometimes you have to let other things slide. Laundry can wait, xmas can wait, house cleaning can wait. Take a sick day at work. Find a sitter.
It's a matter of if it is important enough to you to fix it.
I have followed this thread from the beginning. I think the judging comes in from people not knowing the whole story obviously and reacting to your defensiveness from some of the posts.
Plus- you are on the other side of the fence from most of us. Most of us were cheated on and it shattered our worlds. I think for me, being cheated on by my husband was MUCH worse than being cheated on by a boyfriend. To me marriage was the ultimate relationship- it didn't have an end in sight for me. It was the person I was giving EVERYTHING to- all my secrets, all my love, all my trust, etc. I was willing to have children with this man and he chose to go look find someone else and share the most intimate act with her, leaving me feeling worthless and lost. I never felt that way about any boyfriends, so while one of them cheating may have hurt, my husband cheating on me SHATTERED me. It has been 9 months since I found out and I still think about it every day. I don't well on it, and it doesn't hurt as bad, but it doesn't go away either. But I also don't punish him on a daily basis. I made a CHOICE to try and work things out, I agreed to stay married and try to build our relationship. Part of that agreement is that we get back to really being in love with each other- which takes effort on both our parts.
All that being said, I don't think you are completely in the wrong. I do believe you are sorry and want to fix this, but don't know what more you can do and it seems that no matter what you do, your husband doesn't think it's enough.
If you have done everything he has asked of you and tried to show him affection, love, appreciation, remorse, etc. and he is still "punishing" you then I do think you have a right to let him know that you want this to work, but you feel like you have made the changes he has asked, yet he is unwilling to do his part. Ask him exactly what it is that he needs you to do. And then let him know what you need from him- and be specific. Marriage cannot be one-sided. Both people need love, affection, appreciation. If he is truly invested in making this work, he has to do the things you need as well.
I think that the cheating spouse does need to be transparent, do everything possible to let the other know he/she is sorry and is truly committed to the marriage, etc. But I also think that the cheated on spouse has to strive to make it work also. I realized for myself that if I shut him out, I would likely only drive him away. So if I wanted to keep him in my life, I had to make an effort to try and rebuild, try and forgive, try to get past what he did and move forward. It sounds like this is the part that your husband isn't willing or able to do.
You mentioned in one post above that you don't know if you could really leave him. Do you think he knows that? Do you think he knows that and feels that he can continue acting the way he is acting because you won't leave even if he doesn't make an effort?
You may have to come to that point within yourself. What if he isn't willing to change his behavior? What if he isn't willing to make an effort? What if he won't stop throwing the affair in your face? Are you willing to live with that? If you are, then you have to be ready for however long it takes him to get past this. If you aren't, you need to be ready to truly walk away.
I know that there are many obstacles, and you are right, you can't force him to go to counseling, but you can let him know that if he isn't willing to be your partner in this then you need to talk to someone. Just as you can't force him to go, he can't force you not to go. If he needs to know where you are, tell him he can take you there himself and sit in the car while you go or he can come with you.
It may take him longer to heal, everyone has a different timeline, but I've found that part of that healing process is trying to love my husband, despite what he did. Finding the reasons every day to want to be with him and want to move forward and not dwell on the past. I am actually very careful about even bringing up the affair. All it does is make me sad and unhappy again and make him feel guilty and depressed about what he did. None of those emotions help either of us.
I'm sorry your marriage is going through this. I'm not sure any of what I said makes sense, but hopefully it did!
I think it is a little different to cheat during a seperation you think is a prelude to a divorce, as opposed to cheating while you are living under the same roof,as part of a married couple. I don't think it would necessarily hurt less, but maybe it's a little more understandable? Also, if I withheld affection and refused to work towards moving past the A for 2 years, I wouldn't expect him to want to stay in our marriage. I'm just sayin'... Posted via Mobile Device
I agree with you and was trying to express that, but maybe didn't so well. If my husband had left me (she made it clear that he was the one that chose to leave their marriage) and I thought we were getting a divorce, I may not date anyone just because that's me. But I wouldn't hold anyone else to that. It wasn't like she went sneaking around behind his back seeing someone else, while coming home to him each night.
I also agree that if I was shutting him out of my marriage after he was trying to fix it, after a certain point of trying, begging, pleading, etc. I wouldn't expect him to want to stay anymore either.
You expressed it very well,iwillsurvive. By the time I finished my post, yours was already there. I think we were definitely on the same page. Posted via Mobile Device
Well I suppose I feel that because he is the one that made the choice to move out, that I had freedom to do what I wanted. When two people decided to go there own seperate ways, why should they be held back from doing what they want now that they are technically single? My marriage vows meant a lot to me, but we were seperated. So going by what you are saying...a couple in the middle of a divorce shouldn't have sex or have a relationship with anyone else because their marriage isn't completely void yet...that makes no sense.
And yet, you are going through this hell because you had sex. sex that your husband apparently thought was only reserved for him. But you can't argue with your willingness to back up what you believe. The problem is you and your husband didn't believe the same thing.
Here is the problem with men. We are proud, macho, leaders of the house. We are in control. Then one day we find out our feet have been knocked out from under us and we are not as stable as we once thought we were. I know for myself, I was always this upbeat guy that thought I was Superman. I could do anything. My career was on path, I was dragging home tons of money, we had the house, cars, trucks, motorcycles, boats, three beautiful kids. I could do anything. I felt like I was a walking success story. (You have to understand that I was brought up very poor. Sometimes there was not any food to eat and no heat in the winter times.) All that being said, one day I found out my wife was having an EA. My life suddenly came to an end. I felt like Superman had just been attacked with Kryptonite, all my powers and self esteem had just been swept away. My business started to suffer, I felt like I was a low life piece of Sh*t that couldn't even keep his wife happy. To this day 8yrs later I would have to say that TRUST is the biggest issue with me. I pray every day and night for God to help me regain trust in my life. It's kind of like right now, I know my wife is supposed to get off work at 7am, at 7:20 I have not heard from her yet. (She normally calls me to let me know she is leaving so that I will know she is safe.) For a "Non trusting-Ben Cheated on Husband", 20 mins is enough time to get a little quickie in a broom closet somewhere at work. Now I know this is not happening but that is the way a victim of a cheating wife thinks.
I am not casting blame on you but you have not walked in our shoes and you may have a proud husband that is no longer proud. Men as a rule are genetically built to feel in control and when we are no longer in control we loose our spirit. It's kind of like hitting a dog in the face a few times and then wondering why the dog cowers down from then on when you reach out to him. Maybe your husband is cowering down.
You have to let him know that he is the only person in your life and that you made a mistake. You will also have to be conscious of how you dress when leaving the house. I know for me, I notice anytime the W gets over dressed to go to work all the way down to the under wear. I wonder why is she wearing the sexy bra and panties. All these triggers go off in a Mans head and you have to understand and try to avoid pulling any triggers. He probably will not ever heal but he will learn to deal with it.
Just be loving and let him know that He is your world and you would never do anything to hurt him again.
Not trying to hijack the thread, I just wanted you to know how the other side feels from a mans prospective.
Good luck, have lots of patiance and try to be understanding.
Re: I Cheated on My Husband...
