I would be willing to bet that when YOU (Ditajr) cheated on your Husband that you tried to look your best. Maybe I tend to over analyze things now but I guess I tend to pay a little closer attention to the details now that I am a victim as well. I don't tell my wife what she can and can't wear, I just have to ask myself "Hmmm, wonder why she is dressing up so much to go to work, put on some scrubbs, tennis, shoe covers, and a mask.
Part of the problem with the Hubby getting over YOUR ACTIONS (Ditajr) might be because in his mind, everything was rocking along fine and Wham, he gets hit with a low blow that his wife is cheating. He has probably gone over it a hundred times in his head, How did I miss the clues, what did I do wrong, Why, Why, Why. Some things have to change as well as your daily routine. I know my wife has told me and reassured me that this will never happen again. How can she say this, why did it have to happen the last time. I don't know. I just know that for me, I went into protective mode and since the TRUST has been destroyed, I have to wonder all the time.
I for one do not have any sympathy for you (Ditajr) if your husband is still a little un easy. I don't know you or your husband, or your situation but there is nothing that justifies betrayal in a marriage. If your marriage is that bad, just get a divorce or some counseling. Honor what used to be there in the relationship and not spoil those memories.
Actually, I didn't make myself look any different than I do anyday. I wore the same clothes, did my hair the same way, didn't put on anymore make up than normal, and I certainly didn't buy new under things.
If you read other posts, things weren't fine and he wasn't living with me.
PS: I was a husband 2 yrs did not move past it, its was time to end the relationship cleanly and swiftly.
Also never forget sex is animalistic, it can be had without any heart strings whatsoever. So the moving on forgiving must be kept separate.
Again, he would never have sex with someone he didn't love or at least at the time think he loved. Not every guy is a hoe who will have sex with no emotion.
No offense taken. I was thinking about it today and it occurred to me that men's underwear is pretty utilitarian. Women's are a little different and if you've been burned, I could see where it might cause a little alarm if your W is wearing the special stuff to work. Posted via Mobile Device
It's funny about Men and their underwear drawer. I have listened to many comedians talk about just that issue. Larry the cable guy once said he had several hundred dollars worth of Crotchless underwear in his drawer. lol As long as the waist band is still working they're ok.
All joking aside, I think a man's perspective on sex and romance is a lot different than womens. I can honestly say that I have thought about cheating in the past but never have. I know for myself if I ever did it the first time, it would make it that much easier to do it again and constantly be telling myself, "This is the last time and I will never do it again".
What ever happened to marriage being a commitment? Too many people go with their feelings of the moment and don't think about the consequences of their actions. The number of lives they effect. If you are a cheater, you affect your life, your husbands, your children if you have any, the other persons family if they have a wife and kids. Cheating is such a selfish thing to do in my opinion. That is the reason I could not do it even when times got a little rocky.
Yes, I get that tingling feeling when I see another women or someone pays a little extra attention to me but I go home and turn those feelings into something special with my wife and remind myself about the special person I have at home.
Dita,
I have read all of your posts and advice that has been offered. First let me advise you, I have been in your husbands shoes and responded the same way. No need to tell you my past just understand it is so very similar to yours and your husbands. What your husband is doing is done for several reasons. Here they are with explanation for him doing them.
1. Complacency- Your husband believes after his decision to stay after the hurt you caused him that you will accept anything.
For instance if you cried and expressed sincere remorse for your affair like my wife did, your husband can believe you will stick to your promise of "I'll do anything for you" this almost allways comes from a truly remorseful apology. I am willing to bet you told him or at least expressed this to him in some way while apologizing to him for the affair. I am almost certain your husband feels he can get away with alot and you will accept it. I know I did.
2. Triggers- These are situations or certain things that make your husband remember the affair. For instance, if you told him places where you and the other man met, or things you did together, your husband will reflect when he drives by those places, or you and him do the same activities. Even an outfit that you wore during the affair can trigger his thoughts of the past.
3. Entrapment- I know your thinking WHAT? Let me explain. As little sense as it may make to you your hubby can let the marriage get into a rut deliberately. YES deliberately! Why? You ask. To truly see if you will repeat your previous behavior. Its not like he wants you to. Its just a very stupid way some of us men try to dispell the belief of "Once a Cheater Allways a Cheater" he wants to know and feel no matter how bad things get in the marriage you will not hurt him like that again. I totally agree this is a negative way to repair his trust but please believe me it can be happening.
For my advice, If any of these feelings are happening to him do not fret. It may not be helpful to you or the Marriage but it is natural. Do you put up with it? Absolutely not! As my wife did me I would sugest you make him think about his actions and not how you will act. Does that make sense? It means expressing to him in a loving manner that you love him and want to have a happy marriage with him, but you feel like he is not going to forgive you and truly ever see how much you love him. Be respectful and sincere. Let him know you want him more than anything but you currently feel he will not forgive your actions. Tell him it hurts you not because of how he is treating you but because his actions make you feel like he can never love you. Assure him he is what you want and still do but he is preventing you from truly being the wife you want to be to him.
Now.... be prepared for his knee jerk reaction. He might tell you to leave, he might call you names or even throw the affair back at you. DO NOT RESPOND WITH THE SAME!!! No matter what he says to you. If he says he hates you. You tell him you love him. If he says he never wants to see you again. Tell him all you want is to see HIM the true him once again. Please understand his lashing at you is common. He will probably even try to convince you that he never meant anything to you and he knew you would not keep your promise. Do not argue! It is so hard for you to remain respectfull and caring to him if he responds this way but you can do it. Finally tell him you have to move on, not that you want to but you feel like you have to. Your actions will actually force him to look at himself and what he truly has to lose instead of thinking about what you did and the contempt he has for you. I can honestly tell you 2 yrs after an affair is not long for the betrayed spouse if he has never truly forgiven. Its not that he doesnt want to forgive he just doesnt know how! I truly believe he is like me and the only way for him to forgive you is to feel he wants to. If that means you have to put him in the position by himself then do it!
Please for goodness sake do not pursue another relationship while you are giving your husband the opportunity to forgive you. Only talk to close friends who truly care about you and your husbands marriage. (Never any friends of the opposite sex)
Your true friends will support your feelings for wanting your marriage to work. Beware of the friend that says simply to divorce. The friend that degrades your husband and blames him usually these people have other motives and could care less about the marriage. If your husband is(and I believe he is) feeling as I did. You will receive a phone call from him in the future. IT can take time. But sometimes time is what it takes. You are not wasting the best of your years. You are trying to repair a marriage that clearly is worth saving. He stayed with you for a reason and I can tell you that is no easy task, he has to love you as much as I love my wife. If he does and you love him, then your marriage can be greater than ever. Mine is!
Remember sometimes hurt can be a great awakening and we learn from it , but our first human instinct is to run from it.
I truly believe you and your husband can have a happy fullfilling life together. All of the tools are there. NOW USE THEM!
My best wishes to you and your Husband!
Ditajr...I hope Matt decides to look around at some of the other threads on here...The way you laid it out...he left...you were separated on the way to divorce & you were with someone else...
Very different IMO than sneaking around behind your spouses back leaving them believing everything is fine.
On the other hand, from his perspective, his wife (although not together at the time but legally married) was with another man. Some people can get over this over time and others cannot. If he truely cannot, it won't be much of a marriage for the two of you to remain together.
One sign is that he still throws it back in your face 2 years later...that's a long time...I don't think 2 years is a long time to still feel hurt and still not fully trust, but at some point there should be progress on leaving the past in the past, not throwing it in your face and looking at the positive things in your relationship since that point.
Yes, you need to be patient and cannot put a timeframe on when he stops hurting, when he starts trusting...but no indication of progress in 2 years almost sounds more like a punishment than reality...he chooses to say 'so what if I didn't take out the garbage...you're the one that cheated'...and that sounds like 0 progress on forgiveness and rebuilding.
Ditajr...I hope Matt decides to look around at some of the other threads on here...The way you laid it out...he left...you were separated on the way to divorce & you were with someone else...
Very different IMO than sneaking around behind your spouses back leaving them believing everything is fine.
On the other hand, from his perspective, his wife (although not together at the time but legally married) was with another man. Some people can get over this over time and others cannot. If he truely cannot, it won't be much of a marriage for the two of you to remain together.
One sign is that he still throws it back in your face 2 years later...that's a long time...I don't think 2 years is a long time to still feel hurt and still not fully trust, but at some point there should be progress on leaving the past in the past, not throwing it in your face and looking at the positive things in your relationship since that point.
Yes, you need to be patient and cannot put a timeframe on when he stops hurting, when he starts trusting...but no indication of progress in 2 years almost sounds more like a punishment than reality...he chooses to say 'so what if I didn't take out the garbage...you're the one that cheated'...and that sounds like 0 progress on forgiveness and rebuilding.
Thank you for understanding where I am coming from. It's so darn frustrating. I really do feel like everyday is a punishment. Holding back on stuff married couples should do everyday is not helping, it just pushes me further away.
Maybe your husband feels he has done you a huge favor by staying with you and your daughter and that should be enough for you in his mind. That is a fear I had when the thought of reconciliation crossed my mind with my ex after a similar experience. But if you stay together for the wrong reasons, you are not doing anyone a favor. You are right, you can not make someone who does not want to go to counseling go, but you can go by yourself and work out your feelings. I did not seek counseling at first when it was pushed on me, I out right closed the door on it and I regret that now. But what my ex does not know is that I found a counselor on my own and work out my issues and still continue to go. It has helped me greatly as an individual and has helped me realize what I had done to them and the marriage.
Re: I Cheated on My Husband...
