I Cheated on My Husband...

Ditajr · 11-23-2009, 09:48 PM

Over 2 years ago, I cheated on my husband. We stayed together. Great, right? No, he hasn't kissed me or told me he has loved me since. We have sex. But that's it. I don't know how much more I can take.

jessi · 11-23-2009, 10:04 PM

Hi,
I'm sorry your husband has taken this approach, he is still not ready to totally forgive you for stepping outside the marriage.
Have you told him how you are feeling because of his actions? Maybe you push him a little and tell him that if he can't forgive you then maybe it's not going to work between the two of you. Or I suppose you might need to understand that because of your situation it may never be like it used to be....he is protection mode now, make him believe with everything in you that this will never happen again, sooner or later he will believe and respond like he used to.......I know it hurts but hang in there, there must have been something strong between you in order for him to stay.....good luck

Ditajr · 11-23-2009, 10:17 PM

It's been over two years. There comes a point where you are either going to get over it or you aren't. I can't wait around forever for a guy who is never going to be what he was again. I get that what I did was wrong and hurtful. But I would switch roles with him in a heartbeat, because the way he has been treating me for the past two years has been much worse than being cheated on.

Sven · 11-23-2009, 10:21 PM

I found this helpful.

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

Ditajr · 11-23-2009, 10:30 PM

I should also point out that he seems to think there is no problem with the way he is acting. I can see 6 months to a year...taking time to deal with what happened. But seriously, we are talking over 2 years. Why is sex ok, but kissing isn't? Why can't he even say "I love you"?...it's like he is picking and choosing what he thinks will hurt me the most.

michzz · 11-23-2009, 10:45 PM

Time is not a healer of infidelity, nor is no apparent expression of remorse or explanation of why you cheated.

You really need to stop and think about what you have done and actively work on repairing the rift.

Stop looking to HIM to fix what you did.

Ditajr · 11-23-2009, 11:01 PM

I don't have to express remorse or explain myself on here. Obviously, him and I have had many talks about that type of thing. And I have done my hardest for the past couple of years to prove myself and to try and repair things. Did I say that I am thinking he is the one who has to fix it? No. I am saying that he isn't making it easy for me to want to stick around for any longer because he can't seem to even attempt to get past this.

michzz · 11-23-2009, 11:15 PM

Based on what you wrote I wrote what I did.

You really need the intervention of a trained, professional marriage counselor that you both see to find a way past this rift.

I will say though, don't be so defensive. It points towards excusemaking.

and if you don't want suggestions or commentary, what is it you want out of posting here? Hand patting?

Ditajr · 11-24-2009, 06:45 AM

I'm not being being defensive and I am certainly not making excuses. It seems that you assumed some things before you responded. I do want opinions and suggestions, but what I am not looking for is for all the blame to be put on me and have someone point fingers and say "YOU YOU YOU"...I know what I did was wrong and hurtful. I have had my husband and plenty of other people tell me this for the past how many years and frankly, I am sick of it. Neutral advice is what I want, not somone telling me that this is my fault and I have to do everything to fix it.

Sven · 11-24-2009, 08:01 AM

Dit, are you like this with your husband? It's obvious you are hurt. My wife cheated on me and I think the single toughest issue is getting HER to heal.

You say you're not looking for suggestions, but you'll get some. Mine are: Seek professional help for BOTH of you. I cannot stress this enough....also, feel free the spill every little thought and detail here on the forums. I've found this place to be a fantastic way to just unload the hurt and everyone here understands.

Amplexor · 11-24-2009, 08:20 AM

Your husband acts as he does because likely he has not forgiven yet. Forgiveness is both divine and difficult. How did he find out, did he discover it or did you come clean?

I agree with mitchzz that if he is unable to move forward after this long then outside professional assistance is needed. There is likely there are underlying feelings or thoughts he has not shared with you.

As far as the sex vs. kissing. Sex is only a physically act to him at this point, not an emotional bonding. There is a difference between f***ing your spouse and making love to them. Kissing you and telling you he loves you is an emotional function.

Finally, how is the rest of your marriage. Communication, decision making, spending time alone as a couple, physical intimacy? Do you function as a married couple or roommates. And do you feel he is keeping the affair as a trump card to continue to punish you?

Ditajr · 11-24-2009, 09:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amplexor

Your husband acts as he does because likely he has not forgiven yet. Forgiveness is both divine and difficult. How did he find out, did he discover it or did you come clean?

I agree with mitchzz that if he is unable to move forward after this long then outside professional assistance is needed. There is likely there are underlying feelings or thoughts he has not shared with you.

As far as the sex vs. kissing. Sex is only a physically act to him at this point, not an emotional bonding. There is a difference between f***ing your spouse and making love to them. Kissing you and telling you he loves you is an emotional function.

Finally, how is the rest of your marriage. Communication, decision making, spending time alone as a couple, physical intimacy? Do you function as a married couple or roommates. And do you feel he is keeping the affair as a trump card to continue to punish you?

He found out because the other guy told him.

As far as talking to a professional, he refuses. He won't even talk to me about it when I bring it up, much less will he talk to someone else. He literally will just ignore me or say "not now" whenever I try to bring it up.

My husband isn't the kind of person to have sex just to have it. Believe me, he has proven that before. Even before we started dating, that was a big thing with him, that he would never have sex with someone that he doesn't love. We have gone for 6 months without doing anything and it didn't seem to bother him.

You ask if we function as a married couple...that's kind of hard to answer because to me the kissing and the "I love you's" are a big part of what I would consider functioning properly as a married couple. We go out to dinner, we go to bars, we spend nights together minus the child, we don't really argue about much else other than normal everyday stuff like he needs to change the litter box, don't go to Dunkin Donuts every morning when there is plenty to eat at home, that he doesn't appreciate all that I do around the house...you know, stupid stuff like that. The only major fights we ever have are about how I feel that since all this happened, that we have gotten absolutely nowhere and at this point, I don't know if we ever will.

I'm only 23 years old. I don't want to waste what could be the best years for me and my daughter on someone who doesn't appreciate anything I do or any effort I make. I do feel like a roommate sometimes. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I work 40 hours a week (as does he)...but in the end, all I get out of it is cleaning up the dinner dishes, coming home at 9pm from work and finding the house a mess, and occasionally, we have sex, which I am the one ALWAYS making the first move. I don't get what I really want from this marriage, which I think are some of the more simple things to do. I don't want a million dollars, I don't want a fancy house or car. I just want him to say he loves me. And I can't get that unless I force it out of him.

Oh, and btw, Thursday is our 4 year wedding anniversary. Let's see how well that goes.

Sven · 11-24-2009, 10:04 AM

You have to force him to counselling. His unwillingnes to go is a wall.

Ditajr · 11-24-2009, 10:08 AM

Yeah, tell me about it. I can't drug him, throw him in the car, and take him there. He is an adult. He can make that choice on his own.

Amplexor · 11-24-2009, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ditajr

I don't get what I really want from this marriage, which I think are some of the more simple things to do.

I think you need to make this very clear to your husband. While I abhor that you cheated on him for whatever reason you are trying to salvage the marriage. His refusal to talk about it or seek counsel will make it impossible to recover the marriage to a satisfactory level. Perhaps a well written letter to him stating your wants and needs for you, your marriage, your child and him would get him thinking. Also the more time you can spend together as a couple will help to repair things and maybe help him open up. Make time for it. No, you don't want to live your life in an unhappy marriage but give it every effort before you throw in the towel. Reaching out here is just another step toward trying to do that, good for you. These things take time. I am well into the second year of recovery of our marriage, we are out of the woods but still have some work to do. Good luck.