husband cheated with best friend
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-02-2013, 10:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default husband cheated with best friend

I have been married for 30 years. I just found out that my husband cheated on me 28 years ago with my best friend. She didn't have any place to go so I let her stay with us for awhile, even though I was warned by other people about her I thought I knew her well since we had been friends since we were little kids. Let me backtrack a little. My husband & I got married when I was 16 & he was 17. So when he cheated on me he was 19. He confessed it to me, apparently they "did it" 3 times, if i believe him, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to believe him again. He has apologized over & over & swears that it has never happened again with anyone else. After my so-called friend moved out of our house she moved along ways away so we haven't had contact in many many years. I am trying to work through my feelings to see if it is possible for me to ever trust him again. So I am asking everyone for 2 things, how did you work through all the horrible feelings & if you stayed with your husband or not, also, should I confront my so-called friend? I really want to send her a letter but don't know if i should. thanks
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Old 07-02-2013, 10:21 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband cheated with best friend

How did you find out? Did you ever have a gut feeling?

I imagine its hard to sort out after all these years but it doesn't make it any easier. I would ask for space and time alone. May be some counseling?
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Old 07-02-2013, 10:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband cheated with best friend

mablenc, we were in a small argument & he brought something up that happened years ago, that I didn't get up in the morning to make his lunch before he left to work, so I said if we are bringing up old crap did you do this with her & he tried to avoid the question then he finally answered me with a yes!! I didn't have a feeling that he had actually had sex with her, I had heard from someone else that she had told them that my husband woke her up in the morning by rubbing her breast, he denies that but I don't know what to believe. I do feel like our marriage was built on lies. I threw my wedding ring away, i feel like it is tainted. He says he will do anything at all to fix this. I just don't know where to start. I have only known for 1 week so I am pretty frazzled.
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Old 07-02-2013, 11:30 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband cheated with best friend

That's a real blow. I can understand how you feel so disoriented being that he's told you this 28 years too late. What a good friend she was ..I've been in a very similar situation, except me and my "friend" were not childhood buddies.

Personally, I'm going to say if you want to contact her and ream her out, then do it. If you feel like it might open up old wounds and introduce awkward and terrible feelings, then don't contact her about this.

And, what are you willing to live with? Does your husband seem truly remorseful?

One thing that would definitely bother me is how long it took him to admit to that sort of thing. 28 years? That's a dull conscience right there.
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Old 07-03-2013, 01:07 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband cheated with best friend

I think you should have a one-to-one dialogue with your friend to understand the full extent of their A.
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Old 07-03-2013, 07:57 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband cheated with best friend

It is one thing to say you will do anything to save the marriage another to actually do those things.

I have no experience with R but others here do.

If it were me. I would pay attention to his actions as I sorted out what I wanted.

Do you want to continue the marriage?

As for the former best friend. She is anything but a friend. You have nothing to lose by calling her. Even if you decide to R with your H I would not want to R with the supposed friendship.

Good luck

Make sure you take care of yourself it is easy to get distracted and run down while dealing with this.

Also I do believe R to be hard work


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Old 07-03-2013, 08:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband cheated with best friend

I fully understand your feelings over finding out you were betrayed. Your husband and friend betrayed you.

A couple of things that I think are very important.

1) He was 19 years old. Very young and probably not ready for marriage and commitment at the time. No excuse, but a factor.
2) This happened 28 years ago.

I think you should focus on what has gone on the past 28 years. I thnk it is very possible that he has been faithful since this time with your friend. Think about all the great things the two of you have experienced and shared. The life you have built.

Think about who your husband is now. Has been a good friend and faithful husband for the past 28 years? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

I understand your hurt. But if are going to continue in your marriage, you must somehow learn to forgive him for being a stupid 19 year old. I know you won't forget, but you can forgive. You only live once and hopefully you can somehow put this behind you and enjoy the rest of your days together.
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Old 07-03-2013, 08:14 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband cheated with best friend

I know this is fresh in your mind. So that sucks.

But when people are 19 years old, just becuase they have a piece of paper saying they are married, does not make them smart or any more mature than any other 19 year old on planet earth.

And when you put bring a single woman into your home, there is a huge probablilty she will make a move on your man... That's just the nature of things.

So, 19 year old man (inherintly sexual, impulsive and not future oriented) + woman in home who has a biological need to compete with you, mix this stew together and 9/10 times the outcome is what occured in your situation.

Now, compare a dumb choice at the age of 19 to 20+ years of what he has done and accomplished as a husband , father?, and a man....

Who is your husband? Is he a bad person or did he get caught up in a situation? If he's a bad person then by all means divorce him... If he's a good husband and just got cuaght up in something stupid, you should forgive him.
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Old 07-03-2013, 08:24 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband cheated with best friend

I am in the other camp and am not going to defend him, as I have been ion the same sort of situation you are in now. The question becomes is he the man you think he is. I don't think being 19 is an excuse that some would like to use. Age doesn't equate to maturity. I was in the military with many 19 year olds that have seen and done things to mature them beyond their years, as well as known many 50 year olds that had the mentality of a 13 year old.

The question is if this is the only time it has happened or the only time that you know about? The issue I would have is that he was able to hide it from you for so long without remorse, regret, or guilt. I have said it before and will say it again, that ability to hide it speaks volumes to his character. How do you know this is a one off thing (and accordingly it was 3 times, so that makes it serial and not a ONS).

I also don't agree with the horny male defense (and I am a male). If the shoe was on the other foot and we were talking about a women cheating, then it would be get the DNA test, she is a tramp, drop her now as this is her character. Sex shouldn't be the deciding factor in this case.

The two of you need to sit down and discuss everything in detail and maybe get a polygraph. It seems that maybe the basis of your marriage is lies???

Good luck with this.
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Old 07-03-2013, 08:40 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband cheated with best friend

is there no statute of limitations for this?

How has he been the last 28 years with you
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Old 07-03-2013, 08:45 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband cheated with best friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by im_tam View Post
is there no statute of limitations for this?

How has he been the last 28 years with you
No there isn't, especially because this is an emotional hurt that shocks a person right to their core, and leaves them questioning everything that has happened in the last 28 years.
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Old 07-03-2013, 09:02 AM   #12 (permalink)
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No there isn't, especially because this is an emotional hurt that shocks a person right to their core, and leaves them questioning everything that has happened in the last 28 years.
This and so much more. The issue becomes that he has hidden it and felt nothing when doing it. This shows the capability to hide others as well. My WW did this and the more I dug it wasn't just one little incident. SHe even hid things from our engagement and pre-marriage period. I have found that her propensity to lie is so much more than I thought she was capable of. This has led me to question everything from the beginning. It is no different than if the A had just occurred in the last 2 years, you would question if that was the first time and everything that has happened prior to that point.
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Old 07-03-2013, 09:03 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I would not provide a free pass just because it happened a long time ago. The information is brand new to OP. she may well have taken a different path with her life had she been given this information at the time. That choice was taken from her through deception.

So from my perspective no there is no statute of limitations on this.

OP your decision on how to proceed is yours to make. I am not advocating R or D. Both choices suck to be honest.

Ask him to take a polygraph and judge his reaction
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Old 07-03-2013, 09:09 AM   #14 (permalink)
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If I was married 50 years and found out my husband slept with my BEST FRIEND while IN OUR HOME, I would be so furious I know I could not forgive.

Not knowing your tolerance level and if he has been a great guy for the past 28 years, I can't offer any advice but I would serious question what else he has kept hidden.

With best friends and in one's home are the lowest of the low.
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Old 07-03-2013, 11:05 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband cheated with best friend

Thanks everyone for responding. Up until last week I did think we had a pretty good relationship. We have 4 children, like every marriage there have been good & bad times but overall it is pretty remarkable what we have accomplished starting out so young. He says that he will do anything to fix this. He says it was a curiosity thing since we were so young when we got together he had never been with anyone else. My response to that was I still have never been with anyone else, It doesn't make it ok. I am so confused!!
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