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I had it all threw it all away...

109K views 343 replies 92 participants last post by  TeddieG 
#1 ·
My husband and I had a really difficult marriage for many years, but we've been married for 11 and together for 13. We have 3 kids- 8, 5 & 3 mos. If you read any of my other posts, I talk about him being mean and saying hurtful things, threatening to leave when he'd get mad and screaming at me for years. I wanted his attention and just couldn't get it. I tried seducing him, lingerie, going to therapy with him and alone and trying to understand his ADHD, serious level of involvement with video games and being a work aholic.

Somewhere along the way, I let an old colleague into my life and shared what was going on. He like everyone else acted as if what my husband was doing was wrong and I felt a little validated.

At some point, he expressed feelings for me, I had had a little crush on him. He lives in another state (6+ hours drive away), but one thing led to another and it became an EA and then a PA that went on and off for 5 years. We were intimate about 6 times, but i never saw him otherwise. It was texts and and skype and instant message. We exchanged a few pictures and at the point I decided I wanted out, he decided to blackmail me saying that he would expose the pictures he had of me and he claimed that he had pictures he took of me when we were together- I'm not sure I believe it.

Long story short, because this was all via text, i had to take screen shots of my phone. I'm not stupid, but I really didn't understand how having an icloud worked. My husband on the other hand is a VP in a tech company and his specialty- cloud networks. The pictures I took ended up on my icloud and when he bought me a new computer and was setting it up, he found those screen shots.

Initially I downplayed it and said that it was just texting/sexting. He went through every device (computer, ipad, etc) and found a lot more. He exploded and I withheld all of the truth because after I severed communication with the OM who reacted by trying to blackmail me again which I refused to give in to (I was ready to face whatever he had to dish out if he was really going to act), his first reaction was to try to kill the guy and he was prepared to drive to another state to do it.

I didn't want him to go to jail or worse because the OM has guns and end up injured himself. So I never told him the full extent that I talked to this guy for 5 years. I only told him that i saw him twice and it was for 2011 & 2012. One major thing he really struggled with is that as we were trying to conceive our third child and this was when the A was ending. There was a little overlap with the last time I slept with OM and when we were trying to conceive but absolutely no possibility that our baby is OMs. She was conceived in June and the last physical contact with OM was in March.

We reconciled initially but he struggled to understand why I had done what I did, which I completely understand. I felt awful and take full responsibility for my actions and the impact it will have on us and our 3 kids. Over the last few weeks I wrestled with myself as we tried to get on with our lives. He'd have moments of doubt and tell me he didn't trust me which I understood.

To complicate things, when I was pregnant, he had to go to work in Brazil and while out at a bar or club with some colleagues a very forward girl introduced herself and put her phone number in his phone. When he got home from this trip, he was acting weird- always checking his phone, keeping it face down so one night/morning, at 5A i checked his phone and found a conversation with this girl (much younger) and a picture of her naked with her nipples covered up. I was 9 mos pregnant and due in less than a month. It was devastating but I didnt' want to give up my marriage. I thought karma had just bit me in the butt and almost felt like I deserved it.

When I confronted him, he cried and said he wanted to be a family and didn't want to break up. I understood completely and wanted to work it out. After our marriage being bad for so long, it was finally on a better path or so I thought.

Fast forward to the last few weeks and as it appeared we would really be able to reconcile I began to feel guilt about not telling him the full truth. All day yesterday I struggled to find a way to tell him. I suggesed we go to counseling hoping that in an IC session I could get help to do so. I was with a client and started getting these texts that he found everything that I was a liar and a cheat and he wanted a divorce. Because I was working, I couldn't even respond until my client left.

He's so angry at me that he won't talk to me at all. I've tried everythign to talk to him, following him, wrote him a letter and he just clams up or tells me that it's over, that he's getting a lawyer and that he's leaving me.

I know what I did was wrong and can never justify anything I did. But for so long, he wouldn't talk to me and when he did, it was just cruel. I thought we would never work it out and that I would dry up and be an old prune. It was so nice to feel like someone cared and asked about my day. The thing I craved most from the OM was his companionship. He asked about my day, told me I was pretty, none of the things my husband would do. I tried to ask BS to put into perspective what he felt was the reason he needed to have his one mini EA.

I told him the only thing he didn't have more of for it to be a full blown EA and possibly PA was time- he hadn't known her long enough and the business deal that he was sent to Brazil for was not going through. I caught him looking at her facebook profile and possibly talking to her a few times after that and always just tried to be brave. I will never know what really happened although he says nothing did, but now that he wishes they did have sex.

I'm so distraught. I understand why he wants to leave, but will do anything to get him back. I don't mean to sound desperate, but I love him so much and our family. I want to grow old together adn raise our kids and have grandkids together. I'm so embarrassed at what I've done and ashamed for being so stupid. I can't believe my life went from being so good to something out of a Jerry Springer episode. I'm such an idiot for letting things go on and not wising up sooner. Every time BS would crap all over me, somehow OM would appear saying nice things. The timing was really sick. It was really more of an EA than a PA, though it was definitely PA on occasion 1-2s/yr.

I know I will never get anyone to feel sorry for me because I have no excuse for what I did, but can any of you BSs tell me what if anything I can do or what I may be missing to understand what he's going through and if any of you reconciled after an EA/PA, I would love to hear how you did it. I want with all my heart to be with him and would give up my social media accounts, instant messenger and even my job to be with him and be a family again and to have him want us to be a family and him want to be with me.

As of now, he hasn't packed his thigns, but he threw out our smaller wedding photos and gave me back his wedding ring and the watch I gave him on our wedding day. I am so numb, I can't even cry. I just hate myself and don't think I'll ever stop hating myself. Please help me.
 
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#2 · (Edited)
You have to demonstrate complete remorse and let the chips fall where they may.

Respect his reactions, and when you do have a chance to talk to him, remind him how sorry you are, remind him that you don't want a divorce, and that you want to spend the rest of your life making up for what you've done.

But don't tell him that unless you mean it.

For what not to do; don't beg or plead, don't argue, don't communicate with him if he's asked you not to. And most importantly, don't suggest to him in any way, that there were "reasons" for your cheating - like you've done in your post. Because there are none. They're just bad excuses.

Then, accept his decision. No matter what. If he chooses to leave, work on understanding why you had so little respect for your wedding vows. So that it won't happen to the next guy.
 
#3 ·
As of now, he hasn't packed his thigns, but he threw out our smaller wedding photos and gave me back his wedding ring and the watch I gave him on our wedding day. I am so numb, I can't even cry. I just hate myself and don't think I'll ever stop hating myself. Please help me.
Get a calendar and write down a timeline of the affair. When, what, how, who... Just facts. Then write down the truth about what was going on in your head and heart at the time, being completely honest with yourself first (fight the urge of controling outcomes, to put things in a better light) and then with thim. Anyhing short of complete honesty is more manipulation. Offer him to respond any questions he migh have for so long as he needs, to his entire satisfaction.
Offer a polygraph.
Send him a list of your passwords, pins, secret accounts, etc.
Get rid of any memento, clothes, whataver is linked to OM or the affair.
Try your best to empathize and write down an apology letter stating specifically what you are sorry about.
Purchase now Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass.

Be humble, accept the most predictable outcome is the divorce. Just ask another chance to prove yourself.

I fear the amount of lies you brought to cover the full extent of the affair sealed the deal in his mind. I've seen this scenario too many times to count. TT really kills the marriage, more than the actual transgressions.
 
#5 ·
can any of you BSs tell me what if anything I can do or what I may be missing to understand what he's going through
It's going to be difficult for your H to trust you again. Dday 1 is bad. Finding out later that you lied about it to cover up it's extent is a betrayal on top of that betrayal.

It's obvious he has issues (gaming, workaholic, Brazilian GF?). Your marriage also has issues. And you have issues. You need to separate these three things.

Your desire to be told you look good is not an excuse for cheating. You need to own up to your mistakes and your deceit. This doesn't mean letting your H off the hook for neglecting you, or his own bad behavior. But don't link the two together. You may want to believe they are related, but that's just because you want to feel good about yourself. That self protection will sabotage any chance for R.

Some men can't get over it. There may be nothing you can do.
 
#7 ·
You need to own up to your mistakes and your deceit. This doesn't mean letting your H off the hook for neglecting you, or his own bad behavior. But don't link the two together. You may want to believe they are related, but that's just because you want to feel good about yourself. That self protection will sabotage any chance for R.
Well said.
 
#10 ·
I do feel sorry for you to a certain extent. What I see is you were verbally abused and neglected by your husband for basically your entire marriage. He was and probably still is an ass, regardless of how successful he is at work. Regardless, having the affair was inexcusable and the wrong choice to make - especially since it was 5 years long. However, I can understand why you did it, although that doesn't mean what you did was right.

This paragraph is probably more applicable to others as a warning than anything else. Being a piss poor spouse will have consequences. Not all of those consequences will be morally right, but infidelity can be a consequence of bad behavior. It's why complacency in marriage is a killer, but it's even more heinous if you are abusive on top of it. There are plenty of traps out there to ruin marriages. It is within our best interests to at least control those things that we can, like ourselves.

Unfortunately OP, I don't know what is best for you moving forward. Your husband is a royal ass, but because of your infidelity, most people here will key on your indiscretions and will not take the SOB to task for his own sins. If the two of you do stay together, I don't see how he will feel any need to work on his own problems. Because whenever you would ever voice displeasure in what he's doing wrong, you get a heaping plate of "well, at least I didn't fvck anyone while I was married to you...". Then you'll shut up and feel terrible guilt over what you did. He seems to be the type that will use your affair as a license to do whatever he wants moving forward. JMHO, I think divorce is going to be the only option left.
 
#12 ·
This advice is no more than complete blameshifting BS.
Half of the marriage is a complete joke.
She could have left at the six years mark. Period.
Why the hell is she so commited to keep the marriage alive if BH is a monster?
And scaring OP by predicting the way he's going to behave from now on in case he don't file for divorce is well...
This the the kind of post in which the lack of direct experience on infidelity get exposed, Plan 9.
 
#11 ·
<<Get a calendar and write down a timeline of the affair. When, what, how, who... Just facts. Then write down the truth about what was going on in your head and heart at the time, being completely honest with yourself first (fight the urge of controling outcomes, to put things in a better light) and then with thim. Anyhing short of complete honesty is more manipulation. Offer him to respond any questions he migh have for so long as he needs, to his entire satisfaction.
Offer a polygraph.
Send him a list of your passwords, pins, secret accounts, etc.
Get rid of any memento, clothes, whataver is linked to OM or the affair.
Try your best to empathize and write down an apology letter stating specifically what you are sorry about.
Purchase now Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass.

Be humble, accept the most predictable outcome is the divorce. Just ask another chance to prove yourself.

I fear the amount of lies you brought to cover the full extent of the affair sealed the deal in his mind. I've seen this scenario too many times to count. TT really kills the marriage, more than the actual transgressions.>>

This is a tough one, but definitely all of the above. What a BS needs , most of them anyway, is to finally know the whole truth. The timeline helps a lot. Doing it voluntarily , before he requests it helps more. The worse thing is the trickle truth, the only admitting what they already know, as you did.

It will take time and you have follow through with your actions what you said you are willing to do.

Don't EVER try to explain what you did by using the lack of attention you got. It will hurt, not help. I know full well my H and I were not in a good place before his A started, but it is not, and will never be, an excuse for his decision to betray me. It might be true, but he does not want to hear it, and if staying together is your goal, you've got to play it his way, for a long, long time.

You can't apologize enough, but try, every day, you have to listen and answer any and all questions.

Good luck.
 
#13 · (Edited)
Start to change yourself for the marriage and because you want to do this for him. You say you will give up social media accounts, instant messenger, and job to be with him and your family. If you feel that strongly, give them up now (maybe not the job unless it is a way you met and kept in touch with the OM and it is causing issues in your marriage). The other two should be gone already if they are causing the issues. You should have just done it and then say, look at what I am doing to change, instead of making it sound like a compromise on your part.

When my WW had her A through IM and FB, I hated them. I got so sick of what they assisted in the downfall of my marriage and family, so much so that I gave them up mine. She would say things like I will give them up if you want me to. This told me she wanted them and would hold it against me if I asked for such things as it was only being done for me (I did insist that she unfriend all those that were toxic to the marriage and family, but only that much). I never said anything and closed mine one day. When she found out months later (I was a friend on her account and she never noticed), she abruptly closed hers as well. She said she chose to do it and did it for me, and wanted nothing to do with FB anymore. I let her make the decision to cancel these accounts, as then it couldn't be used as a point of contention against me. Lo and behold, she still has it closed, but she pines for it many days and still tries to blame me for removing FB from her life even though I am not to blame.

Sorry to threadjack, but the point is, if you are willing to do it for him, then just do it and don't wait for him to ask. When the BS has to ask they don't feel as though they are cared about or for and the WS is just going through the motions so they can say "see what I have done for you!" Don't just say this, do things without being asked to show you are truly committed.
 
#15 ·
<< Sorry to threadjack, but the point is, if you are willing to do it for him, then just do it and don't wait for him to ask. When the BS has to ask they don't feel as though they are cared about or for and the WS is just going through the motions so they can say "see what I have done for you!" Don't just say this, do things without being asked to show you are truly committed.[/QUOTE]

I agree, I had to ask my H to close his secret AOL accts that they used for texting/sexting. He said he was not using them, but just knowing they were there and were possible open lines to the OW bothered me. Logically I know he could still open a new one, many new ones, but these old ones were a source of pain for me. We closed them together but AOL is slow at doing that and it took more than a week for it to show up as closed- annoying.

He also did not block her cell # in his phone. He said she would not be contacting him again as she was worried about her H finding out as I promised I would do. 3 months later she texted him, he told me immediately, was surprised and unhappy she did and I told him I was going to block her as I was sick of the idea of her having that option anymore, which I did and he was fine with it.

It would have been much better had he thought to do these things himself.
 
#16 ·
You want answers to help you save your marriage. From what I see there is no marriage here. You and your husband are screw-ups, and I say that with all seriousness and sicerity in hope that you will understand what I mean.

The two of you have both behaved horribly. You have transformed what should have been a mutually nurturing relationship into a convoluted, muddled mess that is worthy of a Jerry Springer episode.

My suggestion is to start completetely over. File for an amicable and fair divorce. Put this marriage out of its misery. It is lost. Separate, live apart, but continue dating and courting one another while attending IC and MC apart and together.

You each need to work on yourselves before this relationship can ever be called a marriage.
 
#17 · (Edited)
<<My suggestion is to start completetely over. File for an amicable and fair divorce. Put this marriage out of its misery. It is lost. Separate, live apart, but continue dating and courting one another while attending IC and MC apart and together. >.

She asked for help in accomplishing the goal of keeping her marriage, for better or for worse. I think this is what we should address here. Her H may or may not accept any of it from her anyway, but this is what she is asking for.

If they do stay married, it will be a new marriage , it has to be, but it may not have to be divorce first.

My H and I are staying together and, since the betrayal of the past makes it impossible to think of our past married life as good, we consider it a new marriage now, moving forward. I can't say I will not look back , but we are building on the good I see now.

It's possible if they both want it enough.
 
#20 · (Edited)
As was touched on earlier by Acoa, it's one thing to endure a marriage where there are marital issues primarily caused by one spouse. (Though we don't have the other side of that story). A wife always has the option to talk or walk. And if what she describes of him is accurate, who could blame her for choosing a D.

It's quite another thing to nuke a marriage with infidelity, because of marital issues. It's a moral failing by the CS. It simply can't be dismissed with a "you were an a-hole, I cheated, let's start all over". It's not even close to being equivalent.

The infidelity has to be dealt with first. The BS has to come to terms with it. "IF" that is possible, the BS then has an obligation to work on his/her marital issues, if R is to have any chance.

What I've seen with other BS's in R, including myself, is that that the shock and trauma of the betrayal can cause the BS to look at their own behavior closer; especially if the CS is demonstrating remorse, kindness and meeting the BS's needs. This can effect the BS positively and affect his own behavior. Then a "new" marriage is possible.

OP, in your case, first things first. If you have the chance to R, give him some time to deal with the betrayal. But he shouldn't get a free pass to continue being abusive or neglectful.
 
#21 ·
Thank you all for your honesty. Our marriage went south about 3 years in, after the birth of our first child. We had patches before that but I assumed that was normal barbecues that's what our parents told us. When he became verbally abusive, I withdrew initially because I was hurt and then I tried to "fix it". Tried to do what I thought he wanted me to, get his favorite ice cream, not nag, not complain, etc. We would argue about everything and nothing at all. It got so bad and I felt so alone, I just didn't know what to do next. When the A started, initially it was me confiding in a friend. When it became more, I just longed for the companionship. Yes I should have kept focusing on him, but I couldn't get him to focus on us.

While the A was going on, I tried to keep making it work. At some point, i insisted on date night and I think that put us on the right path. Our 2nd vacation alone (more than 1 night) was for our 10th anniversary. By then, we really were truly in love again. He took care of me, I took care of him and i was pregnant with our 3rd baby. OM was completely out of the picture other than a platonic/business relationship (I tried to gain marketing advice for my business from him and bartered by giving him my real estate advice).

I usually end relationships on a good note, just because that's the way I am, regardless of the circumstances. Eventually, before BS found out, I quit even trying to have any kind of friendship or relationship with him because I wanted nothing to do to him.

Eventually, we had the marriage that I always wanted. I've been trying to apologize- the entire from DD1 (6/14) & DD2- (yesterday 7/8), and show him that I do love him and want to try to rebuild what we recently had. It wasn't perfect, but it was ours. He's very hurt that it went on for as long as it did. He was willing to work it out when he thought it was 2 years intermittent chatting and 2 physical meetings. Not what the truth was- 5 yrs of intermittent chatting and 6 physical meetings. I agree it's asinine that I did it for that long. It felt like a freight train that I couldn't get off of. Yes, no one held a gun to my head, but that's how it felt. It was kind of like my drug- I don't drink, smoke or do drugs but it made me feel so good, not that it's any excuse. I own my bad choices. I'm not trying to minimize anything. It was just awful what I did.

BS now won't talk to me- we're texting. I've asked him to talk to me, he says to have my attorney talk to his attorneys. I think all of you are probably right that he's never going to forgive me and file for divorce. I will never give up hope that we can work it out.

I'm trying to delete my instant messenger account that I used to talk to the OM, but I've had a free account for years that can't be deleted the same way that regular accounts can. I've blocked him from emailing me, but we never emailed. I've unfriended him and blocked him from Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter and Skype. I keep those accounts for business too so I can't completely delete them. I'm not really using any of those account now for anything. I just kind of went dark.

Even though we had issues before that were never truly resolved, we had moved on for the better I thought. He thinks that this recent period that was good was based on a lie. It wasn't a lie in that I wasn't with OM then and I meant everything I said and did, but I was not honest about what I did in the past. I completely own my actions and am willing to come clean and apologize to his family. But if he won't talk to me, there's nothing I can do. I'm so sad.
 
#22 ·
Even though we had issues before that were never truly resolved, we had moved on for the better I thought. He thinks that this recent period that was good was based on a lie. It wasn't a lie in that I wasn't with OM then and I meant everything I said and did, but I was not honest about what I did in the past. I completely own my actions and am willing to come clean and apologize to his family. But if he won't talk to me, there's nothing I can do. I'm so sad.
It. Was. A. Lie. and it was based on lies.
You keep making excuses..then saying there is no excuse.
Anything he did to you did not warrant you having a 5 year long affair. Then lie about it when confronted. Affairs ends marriages, and wherewithal, it is the lies that truly devastate it beyond reconciliation.
This man will never trust you again and he knows that.
He is thinking if I can't trust her, why should I be with her?
You say he was verbally abusive and never called you pretty or spent time with you.
These could have been worked out with lots of patience and willing cooperation once he saw how much he was really hurting you.
You are wrong...dead wrong and no matter how many times you say how bad a husband he was..it will never justify what you did...you keep giving "reasons" why..there is never a reason why.
It's a selfish and apathetic act. A selfish and apathetic act for 5 years.
I don't think he will come back..the other shoe just dropped for him.
You're probably still in shock, that's why you can't cry, but once the reality hits you that it's over (and believe me, when a man does what he is doing..he's done)The tears will come.
 
#28 ·
OP,

I almost cringe when I see a CS post and they list a litany of marital issues, then say these aren't excuses. I know they're gonna get skewered. And that makes me feel bad, because I hope you have a chance to R - if you are TRULY remorseful and that's what your husband wants.

So, even if you really believe they're not excuses, you'd be better served to leave them out of your explanations. At best they are your subconscious rationalization or a plea for sympathy. At worst you actually do believe they're reasons for your cheating.

In fact, the practice of not mentioning them will help you learn to disassociate them. That can only help if you are able to R with your husband. Because, believe me, he doesn't need to hear them.

That said, you can always find a counselor not experienced with infidelity, or another forum, or a friend, or a family member who will buy into them. But what you're dealing with here are mostly people who have gone through this and know what they're talking about. You need to change your mindset.
 
#29 ·
<<He thinks that this recent period that was good was based on a lie. It wasn't a lie in that I wasn't with OM then and I meant everything I said and did, but I was not honest about what I did in the past>>

My WH lied to me, by omission, about picking up with his OW again during the year in which I thought we were in R. His memory of the year is still intact as wonderful, we were getting along great, we were communicating, having fun, enjoying each other's company, walking, biking, seeing movies, dining out, dating again.

Now MY memory of the 'wonderful' year is shattered by his deceit and betrayal again. He tries to convince me it was still good, but it is MY perception that it is not. He used a picture I took of him on one of our long bike trips, smiling at me with the camera as a profile picture to set up a new secret AOL acct to text/sext with her again and he still has no conception of how that makes me feel. A picture I took on a beautiful happy day, now gone forever.

It WAS a lie that you were in R , because it was one sided. HE didn't have all the facts, HE didn't know the entirety of what he had forgiven you for. It was ALL a lie. Wishing it weren't doesn't make it so.

You have a very steep uphill battle here and as someone else said above, If I were you, I would not even try to defend yourself with the 'reasons' things were so bad before. It won't work for you now.
 
#31 ·
You've now burned him multiple times, a 5 year affair, and didn't tell him the truth when caught.

You've destroyed your credibility entirely with him.

And your in business with a guy you cheated with and who has twice tried to black mail you?


Advice:

1. Show your husband you have no remaining loyalty to the OM by - exposing his cheating to any women his life. - post him up on cheaterville.com

2. Take and pass a polygraph

3. Offer him an uncontested favorable divorce. He may not go through with it.

4. Sign a postnuptial

5. DNA tests on all your kids

But I suggest you come to terms with the hard reality that you had a five year affair, one that even overlapped with conceiving a child. You utterly betrayed him for half a decade, and the majority of your marriage, it's very likely he will never be able to be with you again, and if he is, he will never trust you.
 
#32 · (Edited)
FP,

Amazing that you came back to TAM after so many years. You had not yet had two of your children when you explained how you were unhappily considering striking out on your own a single parent. Your were uncertain because of the economic difficulties.

If you had stayed on TAM things might of turned out differently. Once your affair started did you come back and read TAM? TAM CWI usually tells cheaters to fess up and take their medicine. I am not sure that confession is always the best, but in your case the affair was long and the trail could not be concealed. Your husband is technically savvy. Must have been horrible to think that even when you were trying to eliminate tracks, you were making new ones.

Philosophically, you had an affair that you thought was helping you to survive in your marriage, but it was too deep. It was an important parallel relationship. That's a huge plate of icy cold mashed potatoes that no one would want eat. The trickle truth plopped out like lump of solidified gravy.

Is there anyway that this can be microwaved so that your husband will eat it? Isn't he always going to consider your marriage as a catastrophe that wrecked his life? You have reasons for resentment, too. Why didn't you stand up to him when he verbally abused you and called you a piece of shı†. That was grounds for divorce back then.

My advice: Write a simple heartfelt letter telling your husband that underneath the lying cheater there is another woman, a better one. Unfortunately, those two women are intertwined. You are working to put the lying cheater in her place and keep her there.

I would clip out the TAM entry from 2007 and share it with your husband. Make a clean paper copy, indicating the source. Provide the URL link. Let your husband realize you have started a new thread. Let him read about the process you are going through.

Put up the timeline in detail. When it comes to the sex details that have no place here (except for fun, haha, gotta laugh sometimes or you won't survive) just write. You should offer to tell your husband in detail in writing or in person without reserve if he wishes it. You can set up a Google shared document to do that.

All of this horrible detail makes things better and/or worse for betrayed spouses. But your situation is so poor that you have nothing to lose by being completely open. I think sharing your most intimate feelings from the affair is a way of exposing it so that you do not have good memories of it that he does not know about.

If while you undertake this, you feel it's too much work and the price is too high, then you know that you should give up and just divorce as cleanly as possible.

As to divorce, you should just work with your husband now. Divide your assets fairly. Seek the standard level of spousal support/child support. Do not concede anything in negotiations, but always keep it civil.

On the shared Google document – the journal, which your husband may disdain to read – you can share feelings. You can write there that you want to date your husband.

Don't make your children the message bearers. Nobody needs a guilt trip via the little ones who are paying a price for what you have done. Your husband also bears responsibility for the state of your marriage, but that is something that he needs to understand on his own.

You will have opportunities to meet when exchanging your children. Men are weak when it comes to food. He may refuse to sit down and eat dinner with you in your new place. Don't stop trying. If they are all piling into his car, you can always have nice sandwiches for them to take on the road.

Maybe one of your children will pull the fourth sandwich and say: "Look, Daddy, Mommy made one for you." Maybe he'll whisper to himself cheating bı†ch and take a bite.

You want to be dignified and remorseful. It can be a real turn off if a WW uses sex to rugsweep. But you can write in you shared document diary about how you longed for him to stay the night instead of driving straight off. Hysterical bonding doesn't always work and it is ironic that sex, the place where you made a mistake, is also the repair ground. Men can feel a big desire to give the cheating bıtch good punishment in bed.

It hurt you that he gave back the watch. Maybe you should buy a divorce watch to replace it, one of those Swiss ones, e.g., an Oris, that a crystal back so that you can see all the works spin round. A metaphor for transparency. Arrange with jeweler that he can exchange it or just get the money back. Doesn't have to be an expensive model.

You managed two relationships and put effort and devious creativity into one of them. Now you need to:

1) survive so that you can be a good parent
2) put in reasonable effort to reach out to your husband. Once you are divorced that can still go on for a period. If he forms new relationships, you'll have to give up at some point.
 
#33 ·
Frustrated, a lot of the advice you are getting is good.

The most important thing now is to give your husband the complete truth. Why?

Well right now he wonders if everything was a lie. He cannot believe your word, because you have been caught out in "complete" confessions that left out significant details. So if you throw yourself on your sword and tell him EVERYTHING then that gives a chance of rebuilding trust.

I cannot tell you whether he will take that chance...some guys do, others don't.

But I am fairly sure that if you start to reconcile again, and then more stuff comes out, it will be even worse than it was this time.

Beyond that, the ball is totally in his court. There is nothing you can do unless he chooses to try. And even if he does try it will be hard.

You know....the idea that you were working on the marriage while you were having an affair....you need to think about that. Was your heart not the tiniest bit torn between your husband and OM?
 
#34 ·
One major thing he really struggled with is that as we were trying to conceive our third child and this was when the A was ending. There was a little overlap with the last time I slept with OM and when we were trying to conceive but absolutely no possibility that our baby is OMs. She was conceived in June and the last physical contact with OM was in March.
This I don't understand. Can you elaborate what went through in your mind when you slept with the OM and yet at the same time tried to make a baby with your husband? I guess you didn't use protection with the OM and let him ejaculate inside you?
 
#36 ·
After you read for awhile, you'll realize that this is all common. We are not prepared for the truth. We believe a lot of myths about a marriage that are less true because society is changing.

Cheating by men is 57% for men and 54% for women according to one recent study.

Even the Kinsey study from the 40s when things were stricter put female infidelity at 25%

Are 50% of the people evil?

Humans are not wired to be faithful. Takes a lot of work. But laws and economics are set up for something else
 
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