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I had it all threw it all away...

109K views 343 replies 92 participants last post by  TeddieG 
#1 ·
My husband and I had a really difficult marriage for many years, but we've been married for 11 and together for 13. We have 3 kids- 8, 5 & 3 mos. If you read any of my other posts, I talk about him being mean and saying hurtful things, threatening to leave when he'd get mad and screaming at me for years. I wanted his attention and just couldn't get it. I tried seducing him, lingerie, going to therapy with him and alone and trying to understand his ADHD, serious level of involvement with video games and being a work aholic.

Somewhere along the way, I let an old colleague into my life and shared what was going on. He like everyone else acted as if what my husband was doing was wrong and I felt a little validated.

At some point, he expressed feelings for me, I had had a little crush on him. He lives in another state (6+ hours drive away), but one thing led to another and it became an EA and then a PA that went on and off for 5 years. We were intimate about 6 times, but i never saw him otherwise. It was texts and and skype and instant message. We exchanged a few pictures and at the point I decided I wanted out, he decided to blackmail me saying that he would expose the pictures he had of me and he claimed that he had pictures he took of me when we were together- I'm not sure I believe it.

Long story short, because this was all via text, i had to take screen shots of my phone. I'm not stupid, but I really didn't understand how having an icloud worked. My husband on the other hand is a VP in a tech company and his specialty- cloud networks. The pictures I took ended up on my icloud and when he bought me a new computer and was setting it up, he found those screen shots.

Initially I downplayed it and said that it was just texting/sexting. He went through every device (computer, ipad, etc) and found a lot more. He exploded and I withheld all of the truth because after I severed communication with the OM who reacted by trying to blackmail me again which I refused to give in to (I was ready to face whatever he had to dish out if he was really going to act), his first reaction was to try to kill the guy and he was prepared to drive to another state to do it.

I didn't want him to go to jail or worse because the OM has guns and end up injured himself. So I never told him the full extent that I talked to this guy for 5 years. I only told him that i saw him twice and it was for 2011 & 2012. One major thing he really struggled with is that as we were trying to conceive our third child and this was when the A was ending. There was a little overlap with the last time I slept with OM and when we were trying to conceive but absolutely no possibility that our baby is OMs. She was conceived in June and the last physical contact with OM was in March.

We reconciled initially but he struggled to understand why I had done what I did, which I completely understand. I felt awful and take full responsibility for my actions and the impact it will have on us and our 3 kids. Over the last few weeks I wrestled with myself as we tried to get on with our lives. He'd have moments of doubt and tell me he didn't trust me which I understood.

To complicate things, when I was pregnant, he had to go to work in Brazil and while out at a bar or club with some colleagues a very forward girl introduced herself and put her phone number in his phone. When he got home from this trip, he was acting weird- always checking his phone, keeping it face down so one night/morning, at 5A i checked his phone and found a conversation with this girl (much younger) and a picture of her naked with her nipples covered up. I was 9 mos pregnant and due in less than a month. It was devastating but I didnt' want to give up my marriage. I thought karma had just bit me in the butt and almost felt like I deserved it.

When I confronted him, he cried and said he wanted to be a family and didn't want to break up. I understood completely and wanted to work it out. After our marriage being bad for so long, it was finally on a better path or so I thought.

Fast forward to the last few weeks and as it appeared we would really be able to reconcile I began to feel guilt about not telling him the full truth. All day yesterday I struggled to find a way to tell him. I suggesed we go to counseling hoping that in an IC session I could get help to do so. I was with a client and started getting these texts that he found everything that I was a liar and a cheat and he wanted a divorce. Because I was working, I couldn't even respond until my client left.

He's so angry at me that he won't talk to me at all. I've tried everythign to talk to him, following him, wrote him a letter and he just clams up or tells me that it's over, that he's getting a lawyer and that he's leaving me.

I know what I did was wrong and can never justify anything I did. But for so long, he wouldn't talk to me and when he did, it was just cruel. I thought we would never work it out and that I would dry up and be an old prune. It was so nice to feel like someone cared and asked about my day. The thing I craved most from the OM was his companionship. He asked about my day, told me I was pretty, none of the things my husband would do. I tried to ask BS to put into perspective what he felt was the reason he needed to have his one mini EA.

I told him the only thing he didn't have more of for it to be a full blown EA and possibly PA was time- he hadn't known her long enough and the business deal that he was sent to Brazil for was not going through. I caught him looking at her facebook profile and possibly talking to her a few times after that and always just tried to be brave. I will never know what really happened although he says nothing did, but now that he wishes they did have sex.

I'm so distraught. I understand why he wants to leave, but will do anything to get him back. I don't mean to sound desperate, but I love him so much and our family. I want to grow old together adn raise our kids and have grandkids together. I'm so embarrassed at what I've done and ashamed for being so stupid. I can't believe my life went from being so good to something out of a Jerry Springer episode. I'm such an idiot for letting things go on and not wising up sooner. Every time BS would crap all over me, somehow OM would appear saying nice things. The timing was really sick. It was really more of an EA than a PA, though it was definitely PA on occasion 1-2s/yr.

I know I will never get anyone to feel sorry for me because I have no excuse for what I did, but can any of you BSs tell me what if anything I can do or what I may be missing to understand what he's going through and if any of you reconciled after an EA/PA, I would love to hear how you did it. I want with all my heart to be with him and would give up my social media accounts, instant messenger and even my job to be with him and be a family again and to have him want us to be a family and him want to be with me.

As of now, he hasn't packed his thigns, but he threw out our smaller wedding photos and gave me back his wedding ring and the watch I gave him on our wedding day. I am so numb, I can't even cry. I just hate myself and don't think I'll ever stop hating myself. Please help me.
 
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#37 ·
My husband set up the majority of my accounts (email, facebook, instant messenger, etc.). If he didn't set them up, he knows all of my universal passwords so, I've never hidden any of this info from him. I used to have his but really don't know them any more and that was fine with me. I didn't really use any of my social media accounts to communicate with OM. The primary people I chat with in instant messenger is BS and my brother. I used to use it with my assistants for work, but I no longer have assistants so it's unnecessary. I'm using it now solely for communicating with BS.

I have had absolutely no contact with the OM and never intend to again, regardless of what happens. I want nothing to do to him. I also have no momentos of the OM who lives in another state. I once had a picture of he and a friend of mine long before the EA/PA but deleted it too. I looked into blocking his number but with AT&T it's expensive to do. So I made any notifications of him contacting me as silent and changed his ring tone to a version that i can barely hear so if he's stupid enough to contact me, he'll never get me.

I have no idea why I let it go on so long. I'm dumbstruck at it because toward the end last 2 yrs, we argued more than not. The 2 times I saw him in those 2 years, it was not fun at all. I think I longed for the sweet talk I got in the beginning. I actually remember thinking to myself, if I'm going to put up with this crap, I can get that from my husband, but I still saw him those 2 times. I'm such an idiot.

The reason I never left is because of my kids and the strong expectations of staying together. My parents and his have been married 40+ years each. My grandparents were married for 65+ years and his I believe were the same. I found out a few years back that my grandfather strayed and had a son out of wedlock but my grandmother stayed- that's what you were supposed to do, so I was led to believe. That divorce is not an option. And my friends who had divorces never seemed happy afterward. It was the means to an end, but necessarily the means to happiness.

I've had STD tests- that comes with being pregnant and nothing came back. I used condoms all but one time with the OM and have no idea what went through my head the one time I didn't, but that was a long time ago. We could have paternity tests, but I was pregnant with my 2nd by the time the EA started.

As for the 3rd, I was anovulatory (no period or very irregular) when we initially tried to conceive. The last time we had physical contact (3/2012), it was completely protected with a condom and OM liked to ejaculate outside of me anyway. So I never had a doubt that she was BSs. In fact, I have an app on my phone that shows the day I ovulated and subsequent days we had sex so, there is really no doubt. But I did offer to do paternity testing anyway. Otherwise the time before that I saw OM was 4/2011. I saw him on 7 occasions from the start of the EA in 2008. There was no sex until 2009 and from that point, those encounters numbered 6 times. We attempted to arrange other meetings but one or both of us chickened out or flaked so they never happened.

I've offered to do a polygraph, but I don't know if it will help. Because it went on for so long, there are little details that I just don't remember. Apparently I sent OM some of my pain meds after a surgery, but have absolutely no recollection of doing so, but because it was discussed in an online chat, I have to assume it happened so I look like a liar again when questioned about it.

I will try the apology letter. If/when he's ready to read it he can. I did show him my posts from years ago when I joined the forum. He wouldn't read them but I read some of them to him and showed him how to search for them using my handle and the search function. I also wrote one letter after DD1 and gave him another yesterday. I also found the picture of his OW from Brazil when I intercepted his EA where she was naked but nothing was showing and included that. I asked him if it was really just flirting and he said he kissed her- that he told me then, but it honestly was news to me. Not that it matters now. He also says he wished he fvcked her. I told him the only thing that didn't make it physical was 1) that I found out and 2) that his deal went south so he didn't have the opportunity to make it so. Again, not that it matters.

I'm not trying to justify my actions to him in any way. There is no excuse for what I did. I realize that. I'm only trying to apologize and take my medicine- whatever it may be. BS goes from numb to complete anger and back. Last night he wanted me gone- to move out immediately and go to my brother's house. I started packing to go but my mom called him because she thought it was excessive to want me gone so fast considering we have the kids (they have been talking/texting) apparently.

After everything last night, he decided I could stay so I just tried to stay out of his way. Prior to that he'd been following me trying to speed me up and get me out. When I was getting ready for bed, he hugged me in the kitchen. A long hug. I hugged him for as long as I could, but one of our kids was up and walking around so we had to deal with that. We finally got him to bed and I went to talk to him in our room. I asked if I could hug him again (he said yes or he didn't care so I did) and tried to just talk a little bit. I asked him if he wanted me to do anything for him. I'm trying to make sure he eats because he's hypoglycemic and his last episode was a month ago while he was away on business. He had to be taken to a hospital via ambulance. So I don't want it to happen again.

He hasn't to this point told his family, I suspect so that if there is any R it won't villanize me- that's what he told me after DDay. He is really struggling and informed me that he is telling his family today to get the support he needs. Obviously my mom is going to be impartial because there is no way she can excuse what I did, but she is MY mom so there is an obvious conflict of interest. I will call his family after he does to apologize to them to for the damage I've done.

Yesterday BS said he would go after me and take our kids and that he wanted primary physical custody of our 2 oldest kids. I have a very hard time with this because I don't want to split up our kids but I don't want to fight him and make this difficult for them. So I want to cooperate as best I can. I asked if we could co parent and he said yes but he would be the primary and I would have 49% or less. He said he would personally make this a very nasty divorce, which isn't what I want in any way.

At this point the ball is in his court. He's trying to reach out to me to talk, I think. I will do that for him regardless of whether he's just lonely and hurting or whether there is a chance for R. I just want him to be happy- with or without me. He deserves that. I deserve whatever I get at this point and am trying to make my peace with that.

Thank you again everyone for your honesty. He came into my room before to ask what I was doing and I told him I was responding to all of you. I have been typing since then and he just came into my room where again and left, presumably because our 8yo was asking him questions. He came back and told me that he told his sister and her husband had that they were blown away and thought leaving me was the right thing to do. So I'm sure that's the end of it. I don't know that I couldn't give anyone else the same advice. I'm truly disgusted with myself.
 
#44 ·
I have had absolutely no contact with the OM and never intend to again, regardless of what happens. I want nothing to do to him. I also have no momentos of the OM who lives in another state. I once had a picture of he and a friend of mine long before the EA/PA but deleted it too.
Five long yrs of cheating and you dont have anything else other than a picture of him taken yrs before your EA?PA..REALLY?

I looked into blocking his number but with AT&T it's expensive to do. So I made any notifications of him contacting me as silent and changed his ring tone to a version that i can barely hear so if he's stupid enough to contact me, he'll never get me.

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


I have no idea why I let it go on so long. Because you wanted to, because you enjoyed the fun and excitement of having fun on your husbands back.

I'm dumbstruck at it because toward the end last 2 yrs, we argued more than not. The 2 times I saw him in those 2 years, it was not fun at all. I think I longed for the sweet talk I got in the beginning. I actually remember thinking to myself, if I'm going to put up with this crap, I can get that from my husband, but I still saw him those 2 times. I'm such an idiot.

The reason I never left is because of my kids and the strong expectations of staying together. My parents and his have been married 40+ years each. My grandparents were married for 65+ years and his I believe were the same. I found out a few years back that my grandfather strayed and had a son out of wedlock but my grandmother stayed- that's what you were supposed to do, so I was led to believe. That divorce is not an option. And my friends who had divorces never seemed happy afterward. It was the means to an end, but necessarily the means to happiness.

SSo you dont want a D, you want your husband to get over it and play lovey dovey with you as your grand mother did.

I've had STD tests- that comes with being pregnant and nothing came back. I used condoms all but one time with the OM and have no idea what went through my head the one time I didn't, but that was a long time ago. We could have paternity tests, but I was pregnant with my 2nd by the time the EA started.
So you dont want to conduct a paternity test, are you really scared?
As for the 3rd, I was anovulatory (no period or very irregular) when we initially tried to conceive. The last time we had physical contact (3/2012), it was completely protected with a condom and OM liked to ejaculate outside of me anyway.

:rofl::rofl:
So I never had a doubt that she was BSs. In fact, I have an app on my phone that shows the day I ovulated and subsequent days we had sex so, there is really no doubt. But I did offer to do paternity testing anyway. Just do it.Otherwise the time before that I saw OM was 4/2011. I saw him on 7 occasions from the start of the EA in 2008. There was no sex until 2009 and from that point, those encounters numbered 6 times. We attempted to arrange other meetings but one or both of us chickened out or flaked so they never happened.

I've offered to do a polygraph, but I don't know if it will help. Because it went on for so long, there are little details that I just don't remember. Another excuse for not doing Polygraph and you want to play it as you dont rememeberd if you fail the polygraph. Apparently I sent OM some of my pain meds after a surgery, but have absolutely no recollection of doing so, but because it was discussed in an online chat, I have to assume it happened so I look like a liar again when questioned about it.

I will try the apology letter. If/when he's ready to read it he can. I did show him my posts from years ago when I joined the forum. He wouldn't read them but I read some of them to him and showed him how to search for them using my handle and the search function.
Are you here for advice or hoping that your BS will read your post?


I also wrote one letter after DD1 and gave him another yesterday. I also found the picture of his OW from Brazil when I intercepted his EA where she was naked but nothing was showing and included that. I asked him if it was really just flirting and he said he kissed her- that he told me then, but it honestly was news to me. Not that it matters now. He also says he wished he fvcked her. I told him the only thing that didn't make it physical was 1) that I found out and 2) that his deal went south so he didn't have the opportunity to make it so. Again, not that it matters.


You seems too much manipulative. Are you trying to make your %yr cheating even with his EA for a week? I think you are.


I'm not trying to justify my actions to him in any way. There is no excuse for what I did. I realize that. I'm only trying to apologize and take my medicine- whatever it may be. BS goes from numb to complete anger and back. Last night he wanted me gone- to move out immediately and go to my brother's house. I started packing to go but my mom called him because she thought it was excessive to want me gone so fast considering we have the kids (they have been talking/texting) apparently.

After everything last night, he decided I could stay so I just tried to stay out of his way. Prior to that he'd been following me trying to speed me up and get me out. When I was getting ready for bed, he hugged me in the kitchen. A long hug. I hugged him for as long as I could, but one of our kids was up and walking around so we had to deal with that. We finally got him to bed and I went to talk to him in our room. I asked if I could hug him again (he said yes or he didn't care so I did) and tried to just talk a little bit. I asked him if he wanted me to do anything for him. I'm trying to make sure he eats because he's hypoglycemic and his last episode was a month ago while he was away on business. He had to be taken to a hospital via ambulance. So I don't want it to happen again.

He hasn't to this point told his family, I suspect so that if there is any R it won't villanize me- that's what he told me after DDay. He is really struggling and informed me that he is telling his family today to get the support he needs. Obviously my mom is going to be impartial because there is no way she can excuse what I did, but she is MY mom so there is an obvious conflict of interest. I will call his family after he does to apologize to them to for the damage I've done.

Yesterday BS said he would go after me and take our kids and that he wanted primary physical custody of our 2 oldest kids. I have a very hard time with this because I don't want to split up our kids:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:
but I don't want to fight him and make this difficult for them. So I want to cooperate as best I can. I asked if we could co parent and he said yes but he would be the primary and I would have 49% or less. He said he would personally make this a very nasty divorce, which isn't what I want in any way.

At this point the ball is in his court. He's trying to reach out to me to talk, I think. I will do that for him regardless of whether he's just lonely and hurting or whether there is a chance for R. I just want him to be happy- with or without me. He deserves that. I deserve whatever I get at this point and am trying to make my peace with that. self pity?

Thank you again everyone for your honesty. He came into my room before to ask what I was doing and I told him I was responding to all of you. I have been typing since then and he just came into my room where again and left, presumably because our 8yo was asking him questions. He came back and told me that he told his sister and her husband had that they were blown away and thought leaving me was the right thing to do. So I'm sure that's the end of it. I don't know that I couldn't give anyone else the same advice. I'm truly disgusted with myself.
self pity? Are you here for advice or hoping that your BS will read your post?



I still didn't get why you wanted your monster husband back so eagerly?

Stop thinking that you can woo him back into the dead marriage by manipulating him or making him even with you.

If you wanted him back Be truthful to yourself first, then to your husband.
Stop playing self pity, own your crap, stop blame shifting and do the hard work and heavy lifting. Do the paternity test and give him the result (Please dont throw it away if the child is OMs).
 
#39 ·
I'm not bashing you. The part I just cannot wrap my head around is how you could have sex with another man while pregnant with your husband's child. You don't come across as a sleazy person but my gosh. That right there is going to be something your husband would a monumental effort getting over.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#45 ·
This is a reaction just for you, OP. I actually do feel sorry for you because you seem like a person who reacts and floats along with things rather than someone who carefully plans and takes control. You've floated along in a lot of very bad ways. You don't even know why you stayed with an AP for 2 years out of a 5-yr. affair.

I will go against the tide here by saying that I think too much is too much. There are some posters here who have managed reconciliation after very long affairs, but, as I understand it, they didn't deal with the lying that you have inflicted on your H. The lies are very bad for any chance for reconciliation.

I think you should come completely clean, make the timeline, etc., and then give your H a divorce. End the soap opera now and take control of a more honorable life, starting now.

This is a true mess and you have my sympathy. For me, the hardest part is that you have brought this pain on your husband. You sound like a caring person and this is not a cross I would ever want to bear.
 
#46 ·
I don't know what the future holds for the two of you, but I hope it works out for the best.

I'm a little surprised that no one really picked up with the fact that the BS in this was having at a minimum an EA of his own with a hot Brazilian woman. Granted I can understand the idea of a revenge affair, and he may be entitled to it to a certain extent. But doing so, IMHO, makes the situation more complicated plus changes the dynamic to the point that both of them have heaped garbage upon this marriage.
 
#49 ·
I picked up on it. I think it speaks to the horrible state that the marriage was in, further validating OP's description.

Either way OP, I hope you guys can work it out, but you have to prepare for the eventuality that the marriage is over. A 5 year long affair is....just not forgiveable for most.
 
#47 ·
<<I'm a little surprised that no one really picked up with the fact that the BS in this was having at a minimum an EA of his own with a hot Brazilian woman. Granted I can understand the idea of a revenge affair, and he may be entitled to it to a certain extent. But doing so, IMHO, makes the situation more complicated plus changes the dynamic to the point that both of them have heaped garbage upon this marriage >>

That's why I chose only to respond to her request for help trying to save the marriage. That is her goal. There is too much history for anyone here to 'fix' it, but we can guide her on what she needs to do to reach her goal, whether it is possible or not. In that regard, I wish her luck, neither of them are perfect, who is. There is still a slim chance they could stay together though.
 
#48 ·
That's why I recommended divorcing but staying together and doing counseling while they re-build the relationship. Just because the marriage is put out of its misery doesn't mean the relationship has to end. In fact it could become better. People get re-married all the time.
 
#51 · (Edited)
Let me finish reading before I respond, but this struck me:

At some point, he expressed feelings for me, I had had a little crush on him. He lives in another state (6+ hours drive away), but one thing led to another and it became an EA and then a PA that went on and off for 5 years.
I have heard that phrase time and time again from women, especially women who stray. It is a form of self-protection from having to face the fact that they chose at every step of the way to engage in bad behavior. One thing did NOT lead to another without a conscious decision to take it there. But this passive phrase gives the cheater a really soft landing for their behavior.

Pickup artist books describe this as the "anti-slvt defense". Basically the woman knows full well what she's doing with the man, but doesn't want to be held responsible for it because of the social stigma that comes with being easy. So the guy invites her over to his apartment "to look at my fish tank", or some other preposterous reason, to give her an out. The woman agrees, knowing it will be for sex, but his false reason gives her a way to claim it was all out of her control:

"He wanted to show me his record collection, and well, ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER..."
 
#53 ·
I am a year out from my DDay of my wife's EA and I can tell you, one of the things I said to her early on was that I needed the full and complete truth - ALL of it - before I could move forward. She gave me every detail I asked for so I could verify it as best I could.

If I found out, on my own, years later, that her story was worse than I originally endured, I would never be able to reconcile with her.

What you did was re-open the wounds all over again and pour acid in them. He has to live with it as if it's a whole new affair and he walked in on it. You might read here how the BS's "trigger" often after this experience. It's true. Because your husband only knew a small portion of your betrayal, he now gets to re-experience it all over again. I could not do it.

Also, 5 years is not a fling. It's bordering on a double life. Yes, the sex was infrequent, but the emotional affair lasting more than a third, and nearly HALF of your time together (and fully half of the time you've been married) is inexcusable. Five years is a LONG time to find your conscience. Yes, you claim the OM blackmailed you, just as you claimed "one thing led to another" when it started, and you claim your husband effectively drove you into the other man's arms. What I sense in your explanation is not remorse - it is rationalization.

The remorse is about what you've lost, not about what you've done.

I do not mean to hit you hard, but unless your H is a better man than most of us, I can't see how you are going to reconcile. I know I couldn't do it.

I wish you and your children the best.
 
#63 ·
I flew there. I saw him for a total of about 4-5 hours (over 48hrs). The first night I saw him, he came to my hotel room and we had sex. It sucked. The next day I went to his house because the original purpose (I guess I did take the slvt escape) was to be trained on marketing via social media- his trade and I have the notes to prove it. For that portion he was so nasty to me and condescending, If I hadn't flown there, I would have walked out immediately. In the back of my head I didn't want to do it, but didn't listen to my instinct and did it anyway. So stupid.

It was the same on other occasions. I don't know why, but that's just how it was. I'm not overly sexually charged. I was online, but in person I wasn't and I tend not to be. With BS he frequently was angry with me for not being in the mood when we finally rekindled our sexual relationship. For me, I am wound pretty tightly and am easily stressed out. So it affects my head by me not being able to "get in the mood".
 
#62 ·
<<That's why I recommended divorcing but staying together and doing counseling while they re-build the relationship. Just because the marriage is put out of its misery doesn't mean the relationship has to end. In fact it could become better. People get re-married all the time.>>

I guess I just don't get why you would take such a complicated legal step, especially when children are involved, of divorcing, but staying together during the process, with the hopes of working it out.
 
#64 ·
The whole act of having an affair didn't sit well with me, but I never bucked up and ended it. When I was talking to or with OM, I would imagine my grandparents and his grandparents watching from heaven and shaking their heads in disgust at me. The guilt was really bad but then I never did anything to stop it either, which is just as bad.
 
#124 ·
The whole act of having an affair didn't sit well with me, but I never bucked up and ended it. When I was talking to or with OM, I would imagine my grandparents and his grandparents watching from heaven and shaking their heads in disgust at me. The guilt was really bad but then I never did anything to stop it either, which is just as bad.


Sorry OP, its too much, dont bring your grandparents into this ****y thing. Let them have their peace.

You seems too manipulative. I already told you, the best chance for R is to be truthful to yourself and then to your husband. Its hard and brutual but it will definitely give you more chance at winning your husband back than you writing 100s of para like above.
 
#66 ·
Polygraphs are popular here, but they are not accurate. If you decide to try that, make sure you do the research first. Wikipedia had an ok summary and you can google more to confirm.

They get it right somewhere between 60% and 90% of the time.So at it's best you have a 10% chance of it dumping you into trouble unfairly, and at worst a 40% chance.

Some people use them as a lever....the idea being the guilty spouse cracks under pressure and confesses stuff in the parking lot. But I can't see how that would apply in your context.

I also get your point about not remembering details from years ago. If it were me I would say "I am not sure but I think..."

Husband is going to go through a roller coaster....give him time. It is inevitable that he will be really angry and there will be some really nasty moments. That is part if the process.

There have been cases here where people recovered from long affairs. Your outlook is bleak but not hopeless.

If your husband is looking at this, he might like to consider starting a thread to get some support.
 
#67 ·
If I were the BH, i'd check all the travel logs to that city, or overnight stays anywhere, and probably assume that each time was a new sex session with this other guy. I don't remember reading it, but did you come clean or were you discovered?

For me, I would have had a higher chance of working it out with my wife had she come clean on her own. And the whole time she's lying thinking "if i tell the truth it'll just get worse" the opposite was happening. Each lie actually made it worse, not the other way around. Liars don't quite get that. They think they're sparing themselves pain when they're just causing more.

I wouldn't make excuses to him. I'd understand that one day he'll hate you, and the next he'll love you. That could repeat for months. I also would stick with being loving and kind, and bending over backwards. Talking helps too.

But to be honest, 5 years? Many marriages end because of a one night stand. That's a dual relationship.

If your BH was here, i'd tell him to run for the hills and never look back.

If he does stick around, keep in mind the sacrifice he's making and act accordingly.
 
#68 ·
You went too far. A 5 year relationship with another man is damage beyond repair.

If your husband gave you his ring and watch, he's most likely done. He's taken action that he's moving on.

I'm a bit taken back that you slept with the OM when you were pregnant and for 5 years. If I were your h, I'd have a paternity test on all of the children. You say they are your husbands, but you did sleep with the OM while your in your child bearing years and trying to conceive.
 
#70 ·
If your husband gave you his ring and watch, he's most likely done. He's taken action that he's moving on.
I took my ring off after wife's affair, and didn't put it back on again for many years. When I did decide to wear it again, it was emotionally very hard to do.

Post the affair, the ring was a symbol of promises broken, of a marriage that was dead. Putting it back on stirred up a hornet's nest.

I'm in a place now where I can wear the ring, remember the affair, and not plunge into dark thoughts, and that is a good thing, but it took a long time. A lot longer than the two to five years that is usually quoted around here.
 
#82 ·
You know why it comes up? You keep typing sentences that say you had sex around conception time. So, people are going to believe you are "trickle truthing" because your husband is reading....
There was a little overlap with the last time I slept with OM and when we were trying to conceive but absolutely no possibility that our baby is OMs. She was conceived in June and the last physical contact with OM was in March.
I did. I can't deny that. With the OM, it was one instance during the conception of our baby and it was protected. Prior to that time, I saw him 11 mos earlier.

Just saying, in some people's eyes that means there is a possibility that you had sex with him while pregnant or trying to get pregnant.

I'd be paying for a paternity test; sorry.
 
#72 ·
Why have you not posted the OM on cheaterville?

Why have you not exposed his affair to the women in his life? Or has he not had a wife of gf ever except you?



Btw, I do understand why you are getting so adamant about not having sex while pregnant. You had a five year affair and did have sex while trying to get pregnant. So why split hairs about if you we're already pregnant or not. You still were having the affair!
 
#73 ·
So you're not that sexually charged anyway? What a prize you are. So if your BH takes you back he gets what? More bedroom rejection? What kind of insentive is that? And you frequently rejected him but gave it up for another man? Most guys wouldn't be able to get past that. I mean a lot can be forgiven if you were otherwise a good wife, but it doesn't sound like it was all that.
 
#76 ·
It's very easy to accuse someone especially one with the label cheater.Sometimes I think that some people post
just to curse, they don't even read the thread and they have opinion about everything they just repeat what all the others said.

If you read her first thread and if her story is true she was in a living hell,her H verbaly abused her in private and in public
even in front of her children he wasn't helping her with housekeeping ,instead he prefares to play video games 6+ours a day
she even got to do Minor repairs at her house wich usualy is work for a man such as replacing their hot water heater and repairing garage door opener, to mention a few , do you find this logical ? Is he look to you like a man who cares about his family?And remember that her first thread is 5 years old so i don't thing that she post this things so she can use them as an
excuse 5 years later.
And now this man demand redress of his honor, well he lost his honor back then.
Yes what she has done is wrong and unjustified and definetly not the smartest thing. probably the best thing for her was to D him right from the start wich she didn't ,big mistake for her, and that is what she pays now ,and the funny thing is that now she is the bad person althought he was the one who literally pushed her in that direction.
I don't mean that he asked her to find another man but he did everything that he could to ward her off.
What she had done is terrible and almost unforgivable but she is willing to pay the price for her action.
Βut what about him? is he a saint? he didn't do anything wrong?his action has no consequences?
doesn't he owes an apologise about what he did to her in the past?is there any law that makes you a saint right after your wife
cheating on you?

If we want to be fair we have to admit that both of them have their responsibilities for the failure of their mariage
the difference is that she admit her mistake (beter late than never)and ask for forgiveness is he willing to do the same
or he is going to hide himself behind his wife fault, i'm not suggest that she had the right to cheat because her
H abuse her and i'm not trying to blame him for her actions but we have to see the the whole picture.
Some people said that he can't trust her anymore because she might cheat again, well can she trust him
that he want abuse her again in the future?Other said that he won't forget what she did to him, exactly the same for her
My point is that they both hurt each other with there actions and it's time to start talking to each other in order
to find a solution if not for them at least for there children.
 
#79 ·
I've been lurking here for months now and Ihad to register to say that this is one of the worst stories I've ever read on here. What gets me is the double talk from the OP based on everything she has typed starting with her first post. For the sake of your husband, yourself, and your kids it would seem that divorce is the best option
 
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