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I had it all threw it all away...

109K views 343 replies 92 participants last post by  TeddieG 
#1 ·
My husband and I had a really difficult marriage for many years, but we've been married for 11 and together for 13. We have 3 kids- 8, 5 & 3 mos. If you read any of my other posts, I talk about him being mean and saying hurtful things, threatening to leave when he'd get mad and screaming at me for years. I wanted his attention and just couldn't get it. I tried seducing him, lingerie, going to therapy with him and alone and trying to understand his ADHD, serious level of involvement with video games and being a work aholic.

Somewhere along the way, I let an old colleague into my life and shared what was going on. He like everyone else acted as if what my husband was doing was wrong and I felt a little validated.

At some point, he expressed feelings for me, I had had a little crush on him. He lives in another state (6+ hours drive away), but one thing led to another and it became an EA and then a PA that went on and off for 5 years. We were intimate about 6 times, but i never saw him otherwise. It was texts and and skype and instant message. We exchanged a few pictures and at the point I decided I wanted out, he decided to blackmail me saying that he would expose the pictures he had of me and he claimed that he had pictures he took of me when we were together- I'm not sure I believe it.

Long story short, because this was all via text, i had to take screen shots of my phone. I'm not stupid, but I really didn't understand how having an icloud worked. My husband on the other hand is a VP in a tech company and his specialty- cloud networks. The pictures I took ended up on my icloud and when he bought me a new computer and was setting it up, he found those screen shots.

Initially I downplayed it and said that it was just texting/sexting. He went through every device (computer, ipad, etc) and found a lot more. He exploded and I withheld all of the truth because after I severed communication with the OM who reacted by trying to blackmail me again which I refused to give in to (I was ready to face whatever he had to dish out if he was really going to act), his first reaction was to try to kill the guy and he was prepared to drive to another state to do it.

I didn't want him to go to jail or worse because the OM has guns and end up injured himself. So I never told him the full extent that I talked to this guy for 5 years. I only told him that i saw him twice and it was for 2011 & 2012. One major thing he really struggled with is that as we were trying to conceive our third child and this was when the A was ending. There was a little overlap with the last time I slept with OM and when we were trying to conceive but absolutely no possibility that our baby is OMs. She was conceived in June and the last physical contact with OM was in March.

We reconciled initially but he struggled to understand why I had done what I did, which I completely understand. I felt awful and take full responsibility for my actions and the impact it will have on us and our 3 kids. Over the last few weeks I wrestled with myself as we tried to get on with our lives. He'd have moments of doubt and tell me he didn't trust me which I understood.

To complicate things, when I was pregnant, he had to go to work in Brazil and while out at a bar or club with some colleagues a very forward girl introduced herself and put her phone number in his phone. When he got home from this trip, he was acting weird- always checking his phone, keeping it face down so one night/morning, at 5A i checked his phone and found a conversation with this girl (much younger) and a picture of her naked with her nipples covered up. I was 9 mos pregnant and due in less than a month. It was devastating but I didnt' want to give up my marriage. I thought karma had just bit me in the butt and almost felt like I deserved it.

When I confronted him, he cried and said he wanted to be a family and didn't want to break up. I understood completely and wanted to work it out. After our marriage being bad for so long, it was finally on a better path or so I thought.

Fast forward to the last few weeks and as it appeared we would really be able to reconcile I began to feel guilt about not telling him the full truth. All day yesterday I struggled to find a way to tell him. I suggesed we go to counseling hoping that in an IC session I could get help to do so. I was with a client and started getting these texts that he found everything that I was a liar and a cheat and he wanted a divorce. Because I was working, I couldn't even respond until my client left.

He's so angry at me that he won't talk to me at all. I've tried everythign to talk to him, following him, wrote him a letter and he just clams up or tells me that it's over, that he's getting a lawyer and that he's leaving me.

I know what I did was wrong and can never justify anything I did. But for so long, he wouldn't talk to me and when he did, it was just cruel. I thought we would never work it out and that I would dry up and be an old prune. It was so nice to feel like someone cared and asked about my day. The thing I craved most from the OM was his companionship. He asked about my day, told me I was pretty, none of the things my husband would do. I tried to ask BS to put into perspective what he felt was the reason he needed to have his one mini EA.

I told him the only thing he didn't have more of for it to be a full blown EA and possibly PA was time- he hadn't known her long enough and the business deal that he was sent to Brazil for was not going through. I caught him looking at her facebook profile and possibly talking to her a few times after that and always just tried to be brave. I will never know what really happened although he says nothing did, but now that he wishes they did have sex.

I'm so distraught. I understand why he wants to leave, but will do anything to get him back. I don't mean to sound desperate, but I love him so much and our family. I want to grow old together adn raise our kids and have grandkids together. I'm so embarrassed at what I've done and ashamed for being so stupid. I can't believe my life went from being so good to something out of a Jerry Springer episode. I'm such an idiot for letting things go on and not wising up sooner. Every time BS would crap all over me, somehow OM would appear saying nice things. The timing was really sick. It was really more of an EA than a PA, though it was definitely PA on occasion 1-2s/yr.

I know I will never get anyone to feel sorry for me because I have no excuse for what I did, but can any of you BSs tell me what if anything I can do or what I may be missing to understand what he's going through and if any of you reconciled after an EA/PA, I would love to hear how you did it. I want with all my heart to be with him and would give up my social media accounts, instant messenger and even my job to be with him and be a family again and to have him want us to be a family and him want to be with me.

As of now, he hasn't packed his thigns, but he threw out our smaller wedding photos and gave me back his wedding ring and the watch I gave him on our wedding day. I am so numb, I can't even cry. I just hate myself and don't think I'll ever stop hating myself. Please help me.
 
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#173 ·
for what it's worth, it does seem like you're very sorry and guilt-ridden over this situation. you seem to be one of those WS who is truly sorry.

this is coming from one of the harshest critics around here.


that being said, it sounds like this affair might be a deal breaker for your husband.

i believe it was the TT that did you in. you might have felt you were saving him from further hurt by being "ambiguous" about the length of the affair, but you only succeeded in compounding the lie. this was your undoing.

the only thing you can do is sit and wait for whatever comes next. it's basically out of your hands.


the only thing i can add is this..... the paperwork isn't in your hands yet. if you really want this, work your a$$ off to show him you're gonna fight for this family..... that you're gonna fight for him.

until those papers are in your hand, you still have time.
 
#175 ·
Anuvia,

I'll add this to Shaggy's excellent list.

Because any POS who has the gall to go around screwing up other people's lives, in particular OP and her H's 3 children, should be destroyed in any way possible.

OP is undoubtedly paying for her part in wrecking their lives...why should this scumbag get a free pass?
 
#176 ·
Glad to see a TAM threat in which a discussion becomes less black and white. OP admitted she was wrong over and over. What more could she write to make people happy. She didn't ask for forgiveness from TAM. What purpose would that serve?

Divorce rates are high. Infidelity is common. This is not simply a matter of evil people sneaking into the human race like an invasion of zombies.

Some standard bits of advice are recommended without much thought. If a WS works in a bar and has an affair with regular customer who is a cocaine dealing biker. TAM can say, yeah that is a profession – bartender, barmaid – that may be incompatible with a stable family life.

But telling BS to insist that her cheating doctor husband change hospitals is unrealistic. In the case of this the thread the OP cannot just nuke her career when divorce is highly likely. The problems in their marriage are too great to make such a speculative move, even if she is willing to to be a SAHM, it has to be a based on some rational expectation.

The PosOm had over 3,000 hits when I looked yesterday. The BH wrote a brilliant but very short account of the affair. He states that divorce is the works.

As far as I can calculate, OP was not cheating when she first came to TAM.
 
#180 ·
To the point about not being very sexually charged, for a long time I had a really grueling schedule. I essentially worked 12 hour days for a long time, plus dealt with the kids stuff- school assignments, doctors appointments, soccer on the weekends, , so all of this weighed on my head and sex could be tedious. I realize that it's no excuse but that's what happened to me.

I eventually got to resent my job (which I really do love doing), and when you add all of the other responsibilities of life- planning family trips, doing taxes, coordinating most repairs on the house (I'm pretty handy but have my limits) friends, etc. I just had no time for me. I haven't watched TV in years. I've always tried to make sure I didn't let myself go, but I wasn't out getting manis/pedis or keeping up with haircuts like I should. Nonetheless, I still catch looks to this day from men.

BH also was very wrapped up with work and I think while he didn't intend for it to interfere, it did. To add that with 2 small kids, they are always around except after bedtime, which we both spent working for a long time, time for sex was relegated to mornings, which were a challenge for me because I had so much to do then (maybe less so now) and weekends, which we did try to engage, but you can only lock the door with the kids running around by themselves for so long and if it was a soccer weekend- good luck!

Date nights went from weekly to non-existent when I got pregnant. I was so sick (not physically, but nausea for the first 16 wks- damn estrogen!) and when I finally got out of the fog, i was horny as hell, BUT he was just freaked about by porking his pregnant old lady. Doh! After I gave birth, I just wasn't ready. Waking up at random hours, hormones not working in my favor so it was painful and not enjoyable at all.

I never mentioned this, but almost from the time I was pregnant through when I gave birth, our home was under construction and I managed working with our general contractor and did all the design myself. It was like another full time job. I actually stopped going to the office because I was always being called home so I finally just started working there instead. I think that's what really burns me- before I caught his EA, I said "whats up" you're not yourself and he told me "I'm bored". I said "you're what?! I'm killing myself with all I have on my plate. I can give you something to do." I'm still tying up loose ends today, except that instead of to enjoy the home, it appears I'm prepping it for sale. Karma is really such a *****.

For the last 3 weeks before the tsunami of the truth hit, we had TONS of sex and it was GOOD. We had 2 staycations at nearby resorts with the kids and even though we were all piled into the same room, once or twice we found a way to do the deed- kinda icky I know, but at home it was pretty good. We even got lunch one day, had a few drinks and had a nooner- something that I am usually "too responsible" to do. It was awesome! I realize the error of my ways, but I've always beat myself up over stupid things- trivial stuff and that would weigh on me too. I'm a complete head case and realize that therapy was in order probably a long time ago.

The last thing I'll say about this is that to me, when we had sex years ago when things were bad, it frequently felt like he was using me for sex- sounds silly... BUT it felt like he would be nice to me, we'd do the deed and shortly thereafter, the meanness would start again. I had really hard time with that.

The hot and cold confuses me. I know BH is going through a swinging pendulum of emotions right now. As I divulge info in the timeline of events or just by being honest, he has this fits of rage screaming, cursing and throwing things and then he'll hug me. I just don't know how to process it.

We spent all day today, talking, working on stuff for next steps, we held each other, cried, lamented, etc. At the end of the day, he says he just can't be with me because he doesn't trust me- which I get. I'm not the kind of person to make the same mistake twice. At work, I have written processes and if an error occurs, it's documented specifically and the process changed so it NEVER happens again. It's just my personality. I know I won't be stupid enough to betray him again, but that's not enough for him and I get that.

At this point, he says he wants to be able to make his own choices since they were made for him for so long and he wants a woman that he can trust and love. I know I can be that woman- I was for a long time before all of this, even though I had my faults. I'm expecting the worst, hoping for the best and hoping that my kids don't hate me for destroying their dad's spirit. I'm really just hating life right now, but I'm sure that this is just how it goes.
 
#181 · (Edited)
Two things.

1. On your deathbed..will it matter more that you managed your subcontractors well, had the money to drive around in a fur lined Porsche painted pink, etc...or that you had a good marriage? What are your priorities? (And I get totally what you are saying because I made exactly the same mistake)

2. Trust...this is to your husband if he is still reading. Since my wife's affair I no longer trust her 100% but I would not trust anyone else 100% either. My wife learned from her mistake. That doesn't take the pain away...I wish it did. But I judge her a better than average risk because of what I know about her..and my wife lies about the full extent of th affair too. Not telling you what to do. I don't know your wife and what worked for me may not work with you. But telling your wife you don't trust her is good. Maybe you will find one basis for sufficient trust to work on things. None of us are perfect....

P.S. hot and cold is, I think, normal, though probably hard for both of you to deal with...normal in as much as I felt it too.
 
#196 ·
Op, your Dday 1 and 2 are too recent. The ball is in your BS court and you got five yrs to process this A and outcome but he is too recent. He has to process it and come to a decision so he need time. Let him take his time. Dont pressure him to take a decision now (it wont we favorable to you). Give him space but dont sit ideal hoping he will get over it soon with time.

Do the paternity test, Write the time line, disclose anything if you stil withhold to save him or marriage. brutual honesty is a must. Answer what ever he asks, Show him that life with you will not be as horrible as he think now, show it with your love and care.Take care of your kid (Remember they are about to loose their happy home because of your selfishness and cowardliness) so spend quality time with your children. Then take care of yourself. dont forget to Eat and sleep.

Do what ever you can to help your husband heal without looking for the out come.
 
#199 ·
Anuvia and ThePhoenix,

You two are both wrong about the slander and legal repercussions. It is obvious intent to coerce continuation of the affair on his part. And no lawyer could ever successfully twist it otherwise.

And slander is not even possible because the info is TRUE. Slander is the act of spreading false information that the person KNOWS to be false. So even if it was false info, the POS would have to prove the H knew it was false to even win a case.

Since scumbag did have the affair and did attempt to coerce its continuation by threatening to expose her in the texts, he has no legal basis for anything. Period. End of story.

And if s**tbag decides to sue anyway to harass OP and her H out of anger or shame, he would instantly open himself up to a countersuit to cover at least their legal costs, if not damages for intentional infliction of emotional suffering since he is compounding the trauma of shattering a family with his scummy behavior by launching a frivolous and unwarranted lawsuit in addition.
 
#204 ·
Anuvia and ThePhoenix,

Since scumbag did have the affair and did attempt to coerce its continuation by threatening to expose her in the texts, he has no legal basis for anything. Period. End of story.
What we are talking about is Liable (written ) as opposed to Slander (oral). Assume however you are 100% correct, how much time, effort and cost is going to be involved in defending a possible action? Maybe it is. If he files, the defendants will get a competent attorney and fight it out in court and the evidence will stand for itself.
Here's a better question. What if this guy takes the low road and simply "counters" on cheaterville that the defendant's wife is a cheater and man user who lead him on for five years making him believe she was his soulmate convincing him she was going to leave her husband, playing both him and the husband as a couple of fools? (with a couple of pictures as icing on the cake)
 
#202 ·
ThePhoenix,

You can't control how other will view him, that's true.

But how does that have any bearing on whether the POS deserves to be outed publicly for being a scumbag?

To this day, some people admire and honor true trash like Hitler and Stalin. Does that mean we shouldn't point out what they really were because some people will still admire them?

Scum deserves to be called for what it is.

In fact, public outing is a mild punishment from what the would have received in the past.

Modern societies have now banned the price a betrayed spouse used to be able to extract from the person who helped destroy their family and children's lives.

About the only option left to a BS is to expose garbage for what it is, since the government and society refuse to do anything about it.

If you ask me, they still get off too light for the damage and ruination they bring into others lives, especially innocent children of the M.
 
#203 ·
What an a$sh0le. I think he's happy my life is ruined. Misery loves company and I think he's one miserable a$sh0le.
for sure he's an a-hole, but you're the one to blame for all your troubles.

like he said- "I have nothing to lose." he's actually quite right, being single and all.


your husband's reaction to all this is indicative that there are those that will absolutely not put-up with a cheating spouse- a total deal breaker.

i think this interpretation fits your situation to a T: "A deal breaker is ‘the catch’ that a particular individual cannot overlook and ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess."
 
#205 ·
The thing is, the good guys don't always win. Sometimes you just have to take that.

In my case OM felt no consequences. Taking him down would have meant taking my wife down. It would have had financial implications we could not absorb. It would have destroyed my kids lives.

I blame both my wife and OM for what happened. It is a sh1t sandwich and in the end I just had to eat it.
 
#206 ·
Re: Re: I had it all threw it all away...

I blame both my wife and OM for what happened. It is a sh1t sandwich and in the end I just had to eat it.
However a truly remorseful wife will help you eat that sandwich. It may not make it taste any better but half a sh1t sandwich is better than a whole sh1t sandwich.
 
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#209 ·
Shaggy, I suggest taking an even more macro view of Cheaterville. No fault divorce removed adultery as behavior punishable, according to civil statutes. Effectively, there is no officially sanctioned punishment for infidelity.

Divorcing couples has two means of exacting revenge: destruction of wealth and alienation of children. So, the lack of legal sanction to address adultery creates stress on families in acrimonious divorces.

Cheaterville is popular because is a form of revenge for behavior that is legal. It is a virtual letter A.

It seems good in many but not all cases. Some TAM posters don't bother to fix the spelling of their Cheaterville posts. That undermines the impact. So far, though I have not seen a OP regret having turned to Cheaterville.

Clearly Cheaterville not free all consequences.
 
#213 ·
ThePhoenix,

Actually, they have to prove you knew the info was false and spread it anyway.

I think both people should be exposed for cheating as they both exhibited s****y behavior that destroyed lives.

I personally don't understand why some people don't want to destroy the person who screwed their life up without provocation, and I feel even more strongly if children's lives are torn apart also.

But I certainly don't judge those people and feel they are mistaken. That is their choice in a free world.

So I don't understand why you harp on people who have a very different personality then you. You don't see a need to pay back those who wrong you. That's fine.

Others have no problem with a little vengeance.
 
#214 ·
Gentlemen and ladies...the issue is moot. He is posted. The Husband had the sand to do this (I wish more men did it).

So arguing whether he should or should not, what moral or legal implications he faces...well...too late. It's done.

So we return you to your program already in progress...
 
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#221 ·
ThePhoenix,

The reasoning behind that decision is that Time was repeating allegations of adultery in the divorce proceeding while the original court litigation had specifically NOT acknowledged the validity of these claims.

Time was making a statement on the divorce decision that was not established as true in the case, but they were presenting it as if it was.

Firestone was able to prove from the court paperwork that Time knew the statement was not established fact.

So this has no bearing whatsoever on posting a POS on Cheaterville. He would have to prove that the allegation was false and OP's H had clear reason to suspect it was.

I think the screenshots pretty much blow his case out of the water, even without the confession of the affair by OP.
 
#235 ·
The reasoning behind that decision is that Time was repeating allegations of adultery in the divorce proceeding while the original court litigation had specifically NOT acknowledged the validity of these claims.
I don't want to highjack this thread with a legal debate. One poster already expressed their displeasure with getting off the subject.

I addressed the "Cheatersville" topic to raise a warning flag about publishing negative about another individual you may not be able to prove. Since your advice, "don't worry, the person will have to prove you knew it was false", I'm giving the following rebuttal so the readers, who may be future publishers, can decide how far they what to push the envelope with the knowledge that two reasonably intelligent people have different opinions.

A Court cannot award damages to "public official" for defamation unless he proves the statement was knowingly false or in reckless disregard of whether it was true or not. Your statement that, "Actually, they have to prove you knew the info was false and spread it anyway" is essential correct regarding public officials. (in accordance with NY Times v Sullivan.

I had hoped to draw attention to the difference between "public official" and private citizen. Because private citizens have less opportunities for rebuttal than public officials, the publisher of defamatory statements cannot claim the New York Times defense against liability for defamation The courts interest in compensating injury to a private citizens is greater than that for public officials and the standards for proving malice and injury are lower. Bottom line, in my interpretation, is that a private citizen does not have to prove the defendant knowing published a false statement as would a public official.
 
#223 ·
I am the BS, the BH of the OP of this thread.

No, I don't agree with my wife's 2007 observations, or the excuses that followed while she had the affair.

I was half the monster she made me out to be...and she was the other half at the worst part of marriage in 2007.

I have no interest in defending myself at this time, but rather to focus on picking up the pieces.

The education I have received from TAM through this process and observing the commentary of both our experience and other threads, good and bad, has been tremendously helpful. I thank all of you for that, regardless of your position.

I will say more, and follow up on this thread, but not today. That is a promise.
 
#233 ·
<<I am the BS, the BH of the OP of this thread.

No, I don't agree with my wife's 2007 observations, or the excuses that followed while she had the affair.>>

Most of us understood that your WW was downplaying while admitting, it's what they do, they have to, it's survival mode to only admit what you have to and then try to justify it while they tell you it's unjustifiable.

My H did it, still does it a little, but he's trying to "explain" not excuse, he says. It may or may not be true, unfortunately for the WS, the BS is in no mood to accept these insights into their reasons for their behavior. After the BS has been lied to nothing is believable, and when my H tells me such things, "we really WERE just friends at the end, etc." we really WEREN'T talking,texting that much" I just shrug my shoulders and say "I'll never know".

After a while they accept that they cannot make you believe them and eventually the truth can come out.

The sad thing in my H's case is he KNEW it was wrong and was upset with my step-son for cheating on and THEN divorcing his wife and two young boys several years ago. He told him fix your marriage or divorce THEN get the girlfriend, not before, and he even told me now he is hypocritical in many ways.

I am sorry this has happened to you and your family. It's sad that people have no foresight whatsoever, only hindsight, and lives, and especially, children's lives get torn up in the process.
 
#239 ·
THE 5 YEAR UPDATE:

It's 2018 almost 5 years after this implosion... We're still married. Barely... here's what really went down because you all missed A LOT:
1. The day after we stopped posting, 7/13/13, BH FINALLY CAME CLEAN. He totally had an affair with the chick in Brazil. I told him "Door's open. Don't let it hit you in the ass on your way out". Looking back, I laugh. She was laughable. I told him "if you want that, go get it!" He stayed put. But, before we got to this, he cried to my mother, his family, our family, our Nanny... about how I treated him so horribly, etc. Yeah, he wasn't so innocent & he fed me to the wolves- all of you, my family, his family, etc. I ate SO MUCH **** for a long time. He told his family "his one night stand", (yeah, not so much) was just that. He neglected to mention the cache of pics of his mistress, naked, the $$ he sent her for "books" (riiiiight!).

2. I quit my job to stay home and be "a better wife/mother", etc.

3. It went from better, back to bad, to horrible etc. He started drinking more, became really jealous. Had a fight with a door and the door won over a client hitting on me. Broke his hand. I still took him from clinic to orthopedic surgeon (personal friend), to more appointments, etc. to "show I cared". Endured being called a frigid *****, a ****ing **** and some other choice names. I became suicidal in 2015 and he mocked me saying he would NEVER let anyone make him feel that way.

4. I wrote his parents, our marriage counselor & our a doctor who diagnosed him with ADHD (rest of us are too) begging for help- his 4YO DUI convictions stood, his license was still suspended and he was out of control. He told his family and everyone else *I* was a liar. They came to stage an intervention for me & my "depression"... the net effect after taking ME to a psychiatrist, NOTHING. I have a ****ty situation, but the psychiatrist said she hoped he'd get help for his issues. Somehow *I* was still the liar.

5. Switch flips. There's nothing wrong with me- THEY however are ****ing crazy!! So, I cut his family off for 1.5YRS. I let them back in and because of his jealousy, he convinced them "I flirt with men in bars". They're out again as of fall 2017.

6. I toughen up. I don't buy into his name calling. I build my business back up. I'm good. I let him have it one night in 2015. I repeat most of what he's said to me before "You're a [fill in the blanks]" just to see whether "names don't bother" him. Guess what! They do!! He's hurt and feeling terrible now about what I said to him. My response, "Names do hurt you?? *NOW* you know how I feel." To this day, he still brings up how I was “SO MEAN” to HIM!!! Funny how that works...

7. He goes after me to have sex. After being called a *****, **** (for having an affair too), frigid *****, [fill in these blanks, he covered them ALL], I'm NOT INTERESTED. I'm too ashamed of all the things he's called me, dragging my name in the mud to think about sex with him or anyone else, let alone myself, so I lock it down. He's MAD ABOUT THAT TOO! I give in a little bit, but not much.

8. Another year goes by. I call up the friends he made me block and cut out of my life. They still love me and will forgive him too. Now he's got built in buddies to do stuff with, blah, blah. Someone to ***** with about me. Yup!

9. Finally after being called a cheater over and over by A CHEATER, I get tired of all of it. I start opening up my yap and fight back. He's tracking me via GPS & that ****'s not very accurate. **TIP: If you're going to accuse your spouse of doing bad things, verify the source BEFORE you die on your sword**... I get smart and we buy a "vacation rental" really, a place for me to get piece from the never-ending name calling, screaming, etc. (FYI- I've recorded lots of it & saved the texts so I can have proof. I'm GREAT at that!)

10. I turn 40. Throw a kick ass party. What do I get from my loving husband? 0. Zip. Zilch! NUTTIN'. Despite that, the party AND being in my 40s are AWESOME! I no longer give a **** what most people think, as long as I'm happy, not breaking the law, setting a good example & paying my way. As much as he thinks I don't contribute, 6-figures I make every year is a decent chunk of money.

11. BUT he decides that my 6-figure income "isn't good enough". I have guys hitting on me because people actually think I'm in my 20's, not early 40s (eye cream works WONDERS!). ALL The weight I lost from stress after D-Day, stays off, because the stress is WORSE NOW. I look better than most other 42-YO moms, but it's MY FAULT guys are hitting on me... I HAD TO EAT THAT **** UNTIL #METOO. **** Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby & all those other ****s who thought they were untouchable. ***NOW*** I have some ability to show it's a pervasive, systemic issue affecting many women. He can no longer say I'm all the names he called me, while sympathizing over the horror stories from other women. I hope all of those MFs get theirs in prison from a big guy named Bubba with huge ****! Karma's a *****- I know that well...

12. I befriend my Perinatologist who delivered our 1st baby- emergency C-section after a 36hr labor (very traumatic). Our families live within walking distance of each other. His ex-wife is bat **** crazy (I know first hand, but it's common knowledge around town). We commiserate over being miserable. DH, tracks me down via my GPS and assumes I'm having another affair. Doc did hit on me, but I said "thanks, no thanks". NOPE! Not interested in the guy who's nearly 20 years older than me. Sorry. Not my thing. I do list his house. He's in crazy debt thanks to his ex wife's $40K/mo AMEX Black card habit. It's an expensive house and a nice commission, BUT the assumption is that I "want him". "No thanks!" I say. It gets to... "choose one- him or me..." "Neither." I say. "I don't want him and don't want you, the way you're acting either..." In his head, that = I want the other guy. WRONG AGAIN! (How can I be more clear???). Doc no longer tries, but occasionally professes his love to me when he drinks too much. I'm firm when he does, so hopefully that's done.

13. DH makes some lame ass attempts to show he cares. Buys me several expensive gifts that 10 years ago, I would have tripped over myself to have. In spring 2017, ALL my closest friends (different social circles, states & even countries) sit me down in the span of a week and tell me "We think it's time for you to move on. We care about you and you've been miserable for so long..." He accuses me of cheating again. I'm not having sex with ANYONE- not him and not even with myself. I'M NOT EVEN SURE MY **** WORKS ANYMORE!!! At some point, my period disappears completely for over 6 mos. GREAT MENOPAUSE AT 41! ****ing awesome! Turns out, stress & lack of iron can do that. I'm back to normal and even ovulating again, not that it matters...

14. In late August 2017, somehow I read The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists... (GREAT READ BTW). Suddenly, it all clicks! I'm the daughter of a narcissist mother. I essentially married my mother... OMG!!! I'm a total fool! I've been trying to empathize with someone who has NONE and is incapable of having concern for others (unless there's something in it for him- anything)!!! DISCLAIMER: no one diagnosed him, but by now, my shrink, my cut off-but-reinstated GF who's ******* stepdad treated her own mother like dirt, and several others are saying "it looks like a duck, walks like a duck..." The final straw... his mother tells my mother he's "upset because she (*me*) flirts with men in bars..." LOLOL I tell a girlfriend this story and she said "You flirt with men in bars? Can I come??" Uhh... I don't go to bars.

14. 9/26/17. I file for separation. Can't take the accusations, screaming & yelling anymore... Our kids are a mess in the chaos of our house. He REFUSES TO ACCEPT THE PAPERWORK I file myself at the courthouse. He tells me I "did it wrong" and filed for divorce, not separation. He retains an attorney before I can have a consult. I wasn't really sure about that lawyer, but... he won't file, won't accept my filing. I should serve his attorney. I focus on work again. He starts to make attempts to be kinder, help more, do all the **** husbands do. Me. I'm skeptical. A leopard NEVER changes his spots. I'm still holding back. My ****'s locked down. I'm not putting out to some ******* who's going to call me a ****ing ***** again.

15. The drinking really has become a problem again... embarrassing evenings out that end up with him screaming and yelling at me. I'm not even sure what I've done. One time, I actually don't say a word... he's drawn us a bath and lights into me for reasons I'm still not sure about. I ask if he's done. He says yes and I leave. Another time, he's home with the kids and nanny, high/drunk at 4:20P. Says it's not a big deal he's just trying to get through the code. The interlock device on his car is a problem. He can't drive the soccer carpool because he doesn't want to embarrass "our son". So he's driving my car and I'm trapped, all while trying to live in the "other house", which is paying for itself and cash flowing pretty well.

One day I realize, I'm the ******* stuck driving the soccer car pool, while trying to get my broker's license. Another time or 2 happen when he's drunk, high etc. can't drive because the interlock device on his car won't start and he doesn't' want to get caught driving drunk again at seemingly normal daytime/evening hours... [get where I'm going??]

16. December 2016. Hubby moves back to the condo because he's "leaving me again..." I go to bring his lame ass dinner with the kids and find him in a questionable sexual sitch... kids saw too. WTF?!! There's no denying or gas-lighting this time... Our 13YO son saw what I saw. I'm out, but he weasels his way back in trying to be "superdad" [hear the trumpets?] We move on. Fast forward to President's Day Weekend 2018. I catch him in another questionable sexual sitch. This time I throw him out because it's something our kids could have seen. I'm so disgusted... He shares a devastating trauma in his childhood, which makes perfect sense AND… weasels his way back in again. He's discovered all the little sweet somethings in bitmoji and LOVES to send me the pics.

17. 1/26/18- The separation filing falls off the court docket due to the papers not being served. FML... AND DH is now regularly telling me I'm "using him" and that he's "carrying me". Our life is very "my" and "your". Separate bank accounts, etc. After getting fed up at his $25K tax penalty for failing to pay out ANY WITHOLDING FOR 18 MOS FOR HIS NEW BUSINESS, I dug up our taxes and discovered a few things- I made as much or more money than him a few years and I was paying a whole lot of our taxes. Until summer '16. I was claiming 1 exemption for witholding. He's claiming 5! WTF??! This is not a marriage. There are many people who keep stuff separate for a whole host of reasons, but getting married is a partnership. I don’t want to account for every penny earned/spent or every minute logged in managing our LIFE. That just plain sucks.

18. It's April 2018. He's called me a GOLD DIGGER. LOLOLOL I'm in our rental until the next set of tenants come on 4/16. I have to go back to the misery of our house this weekend. I'm waiting for the consult with new & very busy attorney (referral from my client/DRs; his own attorney who's familiar with nut jobs). DH actually sent me a message last night reminding me of this thread & how I admitted to my 5YR affair… That led me to look back on this post to & reply to DH: "I'd forgotten about the post I wrote under the pretense that only I had had an affair, even though I suspected you did too. Thanks for reminding me exactly you are. I appreciate it! 👍🏼😊"

LET'S GET A FEW THINGS STRAIGHT:
-MY affair (emotional/physical/any) went from March 2008-March 2012. Any of you with a PhD in Math?? No? That's 4 [FOUR] years. Not 5, not 6, etc. In the exercise DH had me do for full disclosure, I had to account for every time I saw the OM. It was 6 times TOTAL. In 4 YEARS. I still had an affair. It was physical & emotional. I needed companionship. BUT STILL WRONG! However, I'm NOT repenting for anything other than a 4-year affair. He actually thinks I should be repentant for the months up to the affair that were 100% plutonic & the period of time from when it ended to when he found out. He’s not willing to apply that same equation to his affair, so NOPE! Oh, last thought on this, he told me he thought he was falling in love with his OW… 😂 First rule of affairs: don’t fall in love with the OM/OW. Nothing good can come of it. Even less good can come from admitting it.

-All 3 kids are mine. We have 3 DNA tests and matches on Ancestry.com to prove it. DH SUCKS at math. That deficiency humiliated me to no end. I'm not sure I'll ever be the same for it.

-I've HAVE NOT cheated again! I haven't tried & don’t plan to. I hope to someday see the OM, but not for the reason you're thinking. I'd love to drop kick him in his balls!! Hope I have my stilettos on that day…

-I have no life other than work, taking care of my kids, gardening, reading self-help books, trying to spend time with my girlfriends (book club, dinners in, drinks at each other's homes & trying to do things for the greater good- raising money/awareness for education/school issues, bringing awareness to Autism, domestic violence, sexual harassment, women’s empowerment, etc. Occasionally I go out with my girlfriends, but we're not clubbing, or doing anything like that (I have 3 kids to wake up to!). But hope to change that. I have lots of ideas and plant to put the to use for fun, to make money and to change the world!!!

-DH is "sort of" attending AA meetings. He "isn't an alcoholic", but told me yesterday that the 12-steps are a great way to make your life better... Really? I thought manning up and owning your **** kind of accomplished the same thing. BTW- I don't drink either, but totally feel I have EVERY RIGHT IF I DAMN WELL PLEASE. *THIS* stance bothers me for so many reasons. He’s on his 2nd try for a 1YR stint with the interlock device on his car for an extreme DUI he was convicted for in *2011*… I’ve seen addiction in his family, but never connected the dots till now. I worry for our kids.

-My shrink supports me at our regular sessions, but the underlying messages from the guy who is happily married, but comes from a long line of addicts, including his own dad, brother, son & many other members of the family... did I mention he's on staff at a local hospital for substance abuse) is building me up to be independent and GET THE **** OUT! He's not being spoon fed anything from me because... he was OUR marriage counselor. #3 I think... He tied up the link between addiction, narcissism & spousal abuse. I’ve made great progress rebuilding self-esteem, cutting off my mother and building boundaries by taking no more ****.

-Am I 100% innocent in this **** show? HELL NO. I made LOTS of mistakes, but can own EVERY. LAST. ONE. DH, not so much...

FINAL THOUGHTS:

-I’d like to thank each and every one of you *******s who instead of offering advice, judged, jumped to conclusions and blamed me for everything (DH even tried to tell me he had his affair because subconsciously he knew about mine and it was retaliation... Nice try ****head. Not even close.) Many of you on this site, his family & their “intervention" all led me to conclude that other people's accusations of me Aren’t. My. Problem. I NO LONGER CARE WHAT YOU THINK. (I’d like to thank being 40…) Yay me!! There are lots of self-serving people in this world who will jump on the "blame bandwagon" instead of asking for clues and putting the puzzle together themselves. Kind of reminiscent of Germany in the early 40s… In business, the most successful people are problem-solvers focused on solutions. The *******s (no one likes) tend do the post-mortems. For the record, postmortems are to ensure “the thing that was bad" NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN, not beat the dead horse some more. My husband is still stuck in “blaming” me for the issues. As far as I'm concerned, I’m responsible for my actions and he is for his.

-My business is not doing well, but I’m working to undo that. Working, if done right, should give people a sense of purpose. I LOVE my job and I’m GOOD at it!! **Don’t judge working mothers who don’t want to give up being a hero to stay at home, wipe butts, clean dishes and fold laundry all day unless you've done it!** It’s thankless (& endless)!! Just as DH LOVES & THRIVES at his occupation, I do too. We all need something to stimulate us and give us the validations we ALL NEED!

-I know SO MANY women who’ve had very similar stories to mind. The emotional & mental toll is of domestic abuse is DEVASTATING. Until you’re in it yourself, you have no idea how debilitating it is. Just when I doubted it really happened to me, I had more than a handful of friends confirm they **saw** the way DH treated me. They didn't speak up because our society says “don’t get involved” in other people’s ****. That's a ****ty way to live. I wasn’t joking about being suicidal… Remember, a girl was convicted of successfully convincing her boyfriend to *take his own life*. Words hurt people. A little tact goes a long way. I’ve had some frank conversations with my kids about the impact of our words. How we can’t un-say what we say. To quote the now banned… (shocker!) JCD: "first rule of marriage: Don't be a d*ck” Sadly, DH never really learned that one… hence we are where we are today.

I aspire with some girlfriends who also have similar stories to mine to start a group for women (a “village” for all people really) to find a better way to handle or get out of situations like this. I want everyone to have a place for people to lift the up. Sure we’ll make mistakes and people need to check us, but again the thing about tact… My story is bad, but I’ve heard way worse… some people are really ****ed up. It’s really sad. BUT I’M NOT A VICTIM.

-After YEARS of being super modest, I’m ready to flaunt it- a little. I’m not "looking for anything” or seeking revenge. I *earned it*. I eat cleanly, take care of myself and make an effort to look good and feel good. Other women do it (& many shouldn’t!). Having a jealous husband who can’t handle it the attention I get is *NOT MY PROBLEM*. I caught DH in his affair 3 WEEKS before I gave birth. I told NO ONE other than my closest girlfriends who wanted to throw me a baby shower. I didn’t want to celebrate. I could have dragged him over hot coals, but didn’t. Why? It wasn’t right. Period. How could I mow him down with the bus, when I was guilty of the same? Unfortunately, DH didn’t have the same restraint. He had his pity party and YOU BOUGHT IT! I hope you feel really dumb… I *wasn’t threatened* by a 20YO skank in another country. I earn a good living and have a business degree from one of the best schools in the nation. If he wants that half-assed ****, be my guest. I probably won’t want him at that point anyway.

-I don’t want to be divorced. I want DH to love me and treat me right. I want to do the same for him. BUT, I don’t think he’s capable and I’m NOT eating **** every day FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE TO STAY IN IT. **** being married for 40+ years (both sets of our parents are). My grandparents were married for 70 YEARS. Know what? My Grandpa had a baby out of wedlock and my Grandma ate **** her whole life for it. My grandfather was a hypocritical ass who I will never forgive for that & turning his back on my aunt who rejected her cheating husband. I’m not going to repeat history and let that keep going. I come from a long line of unhappily married (forever) people. I don’t want that. Life’s too short & Alzheimer's runs in my family. But do what you want. I hope my husband pulls his **** out of his ass and figures it out in time... I’ve told him many times that I won’t let him “steal my joy”. He tries, but I’m an eternal optimist (aren’t all realtors??? LOL)? I have an appointment with the new attorney on 4/26/18, unless I decide to engage her colleague. I'll be on the train out of this **** show, until then.

-I don’t care if you respond to this post or what you think. I will be out living my life with the village of people who support me, who’ve offered me money, a place to live in peace and have come to me for my professional skills. My life isn't perfect, but I’ll take it. It’s a helluva lot better than the Jerry Springer **** I’ve endured for nearly 2 decades… I’m out! Peace.

P.S. I’ve decided that most of the gun slingers in this parade have some serious issues and hope they’re getting therapy to overcome them. BTW, therapy helps you to move on and stay out of other people’s ****. I don’t think some of the participants here offer very good advice. They've done more damage to me & our marriage than you will ever know. Narcissists are very clever manipulators. YOU WERE HAD! But I’m over that too. Good luck, suckas!! 😜
 
#279 ·
THE 5 YEAR UPDATE:

It's 2018 almost 5 years after this implosion... We're still married. Barely... here's what really went down because you all missed A LOT:
1. The day after we stopped posting, 7/13/13, BH FINALLY CAME CLEAN. He totally had an affair with the chick in Brazil. I told him "Door's open. Don't let it hit you in the ass on your way out". Looking back, I laugh. She was laughable. I told him "if you want that, go get it!" He stayed put. But, before we got to this, he cried to my mother, his family, our family, our Nanny... about how I treated him so horribly, etc. Yeah, he wasn't so innocent & he fed me to the wolves- all of you, my family, his family, etc. I ate SO MUCH **** for a long time. He told his family "his one night stand", (yeah, not so much) was just that. He neglected to mention the cache of pics of his mistress, naked, the $$ he sent her for "books" (riiiiight!).
Oh, I see, you are both sleazy cheaters but you are the "good", "virtuous" cheater and he's the "bad" cheater.

Whatever. Enjoy your miserable marriage or divorce or whatever. Neither of you are catches, even though I know you think you are some great catch.

The world would be better off if neither of you bothered any of the opposite sex out there with either of your unfaithful, blaming, entitled, selfish misery.
 
#240 ·
Wow, I didn't comment on your thread before as I hadn't joined TAM yet but all I can see is that you both have been through the ringer. This is what comes of cheating in a marriage, it's like a nuclear bomb set off, I don't care what your reasons or excuses or validations are. The bottom line is you are not happy, you go to counselling if that doesnt work then divorce, plain and simple, cheating is not the answer, ever. You and he both knew what you were doing.

Neither of you are blameless and there is obviously so much resentment on both sides that you have a very toxic marriage. You are both bat **** crazy!
You guys seem to suit each other but I feel sorry for your kids. Do them a favour and get a divorce. They are probably damaged by now.

This merry go round will continue until one of you decide to get rid of the resentment (through therapy or whatever) or sign the divorce papers. There is nothing here worth saving.


BTW, you still have owned your own ****, you don't sound very remorseful to me. Mind you if your H is as you say, why do you bother, just go!
 
#250 ·
You had nothing and you should have thrown it away...

Wow, I didn't comment on your thread before as I hadn't joined TAM yet but all I can see is that you both have been through the ringer. This is what comes of cheating in a marriage, it's like a nuclear bomb set off, I don't care what your reasons or excuses or validations are. The bottom line is you are not happy, you go to counselling if that doesnt work then divorce, plain and simple, cheating is not the answer, ever. You and he both knew what you were doing.

Neither of you are blameless and there is obviously so much resentment on both sides that you have a very toxic marriage. You are both bat **** crazy!
You guys seem to suit each other but I feel sorry for your kids. Do them a favour and get a divorce. They are probably damaged by now.

This merry go round will continue until one of you decide to get rid of the resentment (through therapy or whatever) or sign the divorce papers. There is nothing here worth saving.

BTW, you still have owned your own ****, you don't sound very remorseful to me. Mind you if your H is as you say, why do you bother, just go!
Yeah pretty much this. Especially when @aine says that you are both Bat **** Crazy. I mean really you cannot see that?

Just go ahead and divorce him already that the thing is that you should have done that 10 years ago.

You guys don't have a marriage, you have a MMA match that has lasted to what 20 years or something?

Just get it over with...
 
#241 · (Edited)
Obviously neither of you love each other like a husband and wife should nor do either of you understand what a marriage commitment to another person really means. You both have pretty loose morals. Why don't you two do the biggest act of kindness you've ever done for each other and end this sham of a marriage. That way you're both free to spend your lives banging whomever you want whenever you want with no moral implications.
 
#242 ·
@frustratedinphx The reason people might have thought your affair was five years and not four years was because you told us it was five years in your first post.

Somewhere along the way, I let an old colleague into my life and shared what was going on. He like everyone else acted as if what my husband was doing was wrong and I felt a little validated.

At some point, he expressed feelings for me, I had had a little crush on him. He lives in another state (6+ hours drive away), but one thing led to another and it became an EA and then a PA that went on and off for 5 years.
From what you have told us, neither of you seem to be good marriage material, with your long term affair and your husbands' long term abuse of you.

It's a shame your children are in the middle of all of this. I think you are correct in your decision to divorce.
 
#243 ·
@frustratedinphx The reason people might have thought your affair was five years and not four years was because you told us it was five years in your first post.



From what you have told us, neither of you seem to be good marriage material, with your long term affair and your husbands' long term abuse of you.

It's a shame your children are in the middle of all of this. I think you are correct in your decision to divorce.
I agree with this 100% and if I was an attorney involved in this case, I'd be representing the children against both of their parents to get them emancipated and into a better environment somewhere. The children, as I see it, are the only victims here.
 
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