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I had it all threw it all away...

109K views 343 replies 92 participants last post by  TeddieG 
#1 ·
My husband and I had a really difficult marriage for many years, but we've been married for 11 and together for 13. We have 3 kids- 8, 5 & 3 mos. If you read any of my other posts, I talk about him being mean and saying hurtful things, threatening to leave when he'd get mad and screaming at me for years. I wanted his attention and just couldn't get it. I tried seducing him, lingerie, going to therapy with him and alone and trying to understand his ADHD, serious level of involvement with video games and being a work aholic.

Somewhere along the way, I let an old colleague into my life and shared what was going on. He like everyone else acted as if what my husband was doing was wrong and I felt a little validated.

At some point, he expressed feelings for me, I had had a little crush on him. He lives in another state (6+ hours drive away), but one thing led to another and it became an EA and then a PA that went on and off for 5 years. We were intimate about 6 times, but i never saw him otherwise. It was texts and and skype and instant message. We exchanged a few pictures and at the point I decided I wanted out, he decided to blackmail me saying that he would expose the pictures he had of me and he claimed that he had pictures he took of me when we were together- I'm not sure I believe it.

Long story short, because this was all via text, i had to take screen shots of my phone. I'm not stupid, but I really didn't understand how having an icloud worked. My husband on the other hand is a VP in a tech company and his specialty- cloud networks. The pictures I took ended up on my icloud and when he bought me a new computer and was setting it up, he found those screen shots.

Initially I downplayed it and said that it was just texting/sexting. He went through every device (computer, ipad, etc) and found a lot more. He exploded and I withheld all of the truth because after I severed communication with the OM who reacted by trying to blackmail me again which I refused to give in to (I was ready to face whatever he had to dish out if he was really going to act), his first reaction was to try to kill the guy and he was prepared to drive to another state to do it.

I didn't want him to go to jail or worse because the OM has guns and end up injured himself. So I never told him the full extent that I talked to this guy for 5 years. I only told him that i saw him twice and it was for 2011 & 2012. One major thing he really struggled with is that as we were trying to conceive our third child and this was when the A was ending. There was a little overlap with the last time I slept with OM and when we were trying to conceive but absolutely no possibility that our baby is OMs. She was conceived in June and the last physical contact with OM was in March.

We reconciled initially but he struggled to understand why I had done what I did, which I completely understand. I felt awful and take full responsibility for my actions and the impact it will have on us and our 3 kids. Over the last few weeks I wrestled with myself as we tried to get on with our lives. He'd have moments of doubt and tell me he didn't trust me which I understood.

To complicate things, when I was pregnant, he had to go to work in Brazil and while out at a bar or club with some colleagues a very forward girl introduced herself and put her phone number in his phone. When he got home from this trip, he was acting weird- always checking his phone, keeping it face down so one night/morning, at 5A i checked his phone and found a conversation with this girl (much younger) and a picture of her naked with her nipples covered up. I was 9 mos pregnant and due in less than a month. It was devastating but I didnt' want to give up my marriage. I thought karma had just bit me in the butt and almost felt like I deserved it.

When I confronted him, he cried and said he wanted to be a family and didn't want to break up. I understood completely and wanted to work it out. After our marriage being bad for so long, it was finally on a better path or so I thought.

Fast forward to the last few weeks and as it appeared we would really be able to reconcile I began to feel guilt about not telling him the full truth. All day yesterday I struggled to find a way to tell him. I suggesed we go to counseling hoping that in an IC session I could get help to do so. I was with a client and started getting these texts that he found everything that I was a liar and a cheat and he wanted a divorce. Because I was working, I couldn't even respond until my client left.

He's so angry at me that he won't talk to me at all. I've tried everythign to talk to him, following him, wrote him a letter and he just clams up or tells me that it's over, that he's getting a lawyer and that he's leaving me.

I know what I did was wrong and can never justify anything I did. But for so long, he wouldn't talk to me and when he did, it was just cruel. I thought we would never work it out and that I would dry up and be an old prune. It was so nice to feel like someone cared and asked about my day. The thing I craved most from the OM was his companionship. He asked about my day, told me I was pretty, none of the things my husband would do. I tried to ask BS to put into perspective what he felt was the reason he needed to have his one mini EA.

I told him the only thing he didn't have more of for it to be a full blown EA and possibly PA was time- he hadn't known her long enough and the business deal that he was sent to Brazil for was not going through. I caught him looking at her facebook profile and possibly talking to her a few times after that and always just tried to be brave. I will never know what really happened although he says nothing did, but now that he wishes they did have sex.

I'm so distraught. I understand why he wants to leave, but will do anything to get him back. I don't mean to sound desperate, but I love him so much and our family. I want to grow old together adn raise our kids and have grandkids together. I'm so embarrassed at what I've done and ashamed for being so stupid. I can't believe my life went from being so good to something out of a Jerry Springer episode. I'm such an idiot for letting things go on and not wising up sooner. Every time BS would crap all over me, somehow OM would appear saying nice things. The timing was really sick. It was really more of an EA than a PA, though it was definitely PA on occasion 1-2s/yr.

I know I will never get anyone to feel sorry for me because I have no excuse for what I did, but can any of you BSs tell me what if anything I can do or what I may be missing to understand what he's going through and if any of you reconciled after an EA/PA, I would love to hear how you did it. I want with all my heart to be with him and would give up my social media accounts, instant messenger and even my job to be with him and be a family again and to have him want us to be a family and him want to be with me.

As of now, he hasn't packed his thigns, but he threw out our smaller wedding photos and gave me back his wedding ring and the watch I gave him on our wedding day. I am so numb, I can't even cry. I just hate myself and don't think I'll ever stop hating myself. Please help me.
 
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#244 ·
God, my head is reeling....

How do I approach this creel of crawl-dads.

Where do I start?
@aine called both of you Bat-Poop crazy. I buy that.

......................................................................
'Eye' suspects:

The husband was not 'this' way at the start of their marriage.
Sometime after the honeymoon, she drove him to frustrating madness, to alcoholism.
Then into another women's arms. This is wrong of his part.

Her personality is overpowering, she being an Alpha female.
All her life, she wanted what she wanted and she got it, she took it. Consequences, be damned.

She is willing to point fingers and say, "He did it too, he is also a liar and cheater". This, to ameliorate her sins.
She says she owns her errors, admits her faults. But, still makes excuses.

She broke her husband. Broke him in the first years of her marriage.

She is a Quivering Aspen, has paper-thin skin. She needs a very powerful man to manage her. And a very patient one.

She had her affair because she felt entitled. She knew it was wrong.
Had her husband not found out about it and if her AP kept silent, she would then and now feel, just fine.
Had not her husband, in turn, cheated, she would still feel good about herself.
OP is not capable of true remorse. It is not 'in' her.

The husband cheated because the BSC wife drove the man away. He, in turn, became BSC. {bat **** crazy}.

If the aftermath situation had never happened, the OP would have looked back and felt good about her now-ended affair.

Her husband had his affair to escape her tyranny, to feel worthy in another women's eyes. To punish her, incognito, in his eyes, not hers.

...................................................................................................

My eye-witness washes this muddy truth.
It make sense out of this emotional chaos.

OP getting angry, telling us she is fit, she is prettier than others her age. Telling us that she can get many men, that they hit on her all the time.
Yet, she refuses because she is not really loose, is not a hedonist.

Her. never properly getting past, past failures, never moving to new mental territory.
That, Frustrated refuses, because she does not want this buffer emptied.
Her buffer full of baggage needs to remain. It gives her an excuse, a reason for her actions.
It buffers her from the truth. She is way-overdrawn flawed.

She brings the worst out in people. Her mental chaos is viral, is catching.
.....................................................................................................

On the doctor being too old. The one that hit on you.
Had he been younger, and not so much in debt, I suspect your tune would have changed.
You want us to think, that you think, that you are not so [loose] so out of control.
.....................................................................................................

You are warning us, telling us that you are pretty, in good shape. You are getting ready to charge at the world.
Start living for you.
Not charge at men. I find this thought, counter, intuitive, not true.

In other sentences you say you are not interested in relationships, want to R with your husband.
Your words say one thing, your actions say the opposite. Your life long actions, more-so

It seems that unpleasant, tragic reality, can be true reality. You created much of the reality. It was not all handed to you.

Reality is what happened, wants and needs apart from such reality.

"Frustrated"' you are an egotist. You, having more pride than loving passion. Men are on this earth exist to adore you, respect you, to do your bidding, happily so.
You skitter along the floor, so wound up are you. Life is all about You, not about Them.

Your's Grandpa was a cheater, a dirt bag to Grandma. You followed in his path. Why is that?

You need not a phallus, never did, you needs a chill pill.
............................................................................................................

My suggestion to FrustratedinPhx is to get into endurance sports. Activities that drain you completely. Do these activities regularly, you need to relax.
Your nerves are out of control, your anger is your enemy.

You also need to divorce.

Your past is your present, your life a vicious circle.
You are fighting old battles, you keep pulling off the scab, never allowing scar tissue to form.

The past is set in stone, has no promise left.
It can never get better.
Only the future holds promise, has promise left.



TH-
 
#247 · (Edited by Moderator)
You sound as if you have come to terms with life as it is, but he is an alcoholic, rageoholic and frankly is a piece of ****. While you were working your ass off repairing the marriage, this ******* kept his affair secret? **** him and the horse he rode in on. YOU CAN DO BETTER. And you know it. Why subject yourself to this fool.
 
#254 · (Edited)
That really long response/rant from OP tells me she has zero remorse and no idea what she really did. Neither does her hubby so the consensus advice to end this sham of a marriage and go your separate ways seems even more solid.

BTW, OP, yes you have loose morals. You admitted you carried on a physical affair for 4 years. How many lies did you tell in those 4 years? How much time did you steal from from husband and children to spend with your AP in those 4 years? How many people did you lie to and betray to keep this going for 4 years? This was not a drunken one night stand with a momentary lapse in judgment. This was a very long and very involved intentional affair by you that betrayed multiple people. Saying you have "loose morals" was being kind. Your husband does too. It's quite a train wreck of a relationship. As an attorney the only people I'd agree to represent in your case are your children. I'd get them emancipated from both of you and into a better environment.
 
#259 ·
just out of curiosity, can anyone point me to a post where @frustratedinphx talks about what her husband was/is feeling, emotionally?

she says he is a narcissist, but she comes across as one as well to me...
 
#260 ·
Very interesting. Lets see .... this was a "lets stick it to those TAM guys" update if I have ever read one. You seem to come back, now completely devoid of remorse, and with many many true colours showing. Good for you, I guess.


You ****ed a guy from your work environment for 5 .... oops ... I mean 4 years (gotta work on that Maths PhD) even while trying to get pregnant. It was not good because the OM was a bit sassy with you at times but you needed the **** fix. You even created a questionably titled thread about having it all but throwing it all away. You then run into the awesome army that is TAM by creating a thread to impress your husband. It backfires miserably. You stop posting because of this.

And now five years later (this has probably been eating at you all this time) you come back with a totally different attitude, a hell of a justification story and point out that you do charity work (so you cannot possibly be a bad person). Now it is a case of you being the good guy and your husband being the bad guy and how you now want to divorce him. No longer are you wanting to keep your family together and the desperate begging to be forgiven has now gone away. Mainly because it did not work the first time around.

The truth might be that you and husband are well on the way to divorce, more $h!t might have hit the fan and suddenly he had torrent nights of sex with the young fit Brazilian girl. Oh, and now your toxic friends are back and "love" you and "forgive" hubby. Slightly nauseating.

I hope this helps you but please do not attack the wonderful TAM army for seeing through you the first time round. This just proves that they were right and nothing more.

My advice: handle your divorce with grace and hope that it helps your kids - they seem to be the completely blameless victims here.
 
#261 ·
Sweetie, not the entire army- only the ones who judged me and got it wrong. I deserved the comments for *MY* affair. BUT, my 1st post disclosed his affair. He just hadn't admitted it yet- NOT a coincidence. The sitch wasn't black/white, though you tried... **Who wouldn't notice their spouse's affair for 4 years!!!** CLEARLY it wasn't for the sex. I. Wasn't. Hiding. Or. Lying. I didn't need to. He never asked!!! The OM lived in another state. *I saw him 6 times in 4 years* & didn't talk to him regularly. I was working my ass off while raising a young family without DHs help. He was having the time of his life doing whatever he wanted to do & wasn't worried about me.

Here, cheating was always "100% the fault of the cheater", but... DH let the lynch mob annihilate me for my cheating, but he was a cheater! He threatened to have me put in jail for adultery (a class 3 misdemeanor in AZ). WTF?! I'm still sorry & regret cheating. Never stopped saying so. Just because I don't bow down to you (strangers), doesn't mean I don't to DH. Lynch mob ignored the obvious clues he did too & blamed me for his affair that *we all knew* he had... The double-standard didn't sit well with me & I lit the BS on fire. *DH* knew it was wrong and you do too, but the "fog of male privilege" is as easy to grab as your ****. It's WAY easier to jump on the "wayward cheating ***** wife" (YOUR own relationship wounds ripped open & salted) than accept that you nailed the WS to the cross and ignored BH/WS. Remember *I caught him 1st*. He just lied longer & I didn't press it. I didn't dish the Betrayed Spouse (rage), but sure took it. DH is a great manipulator (the whole addiction thing). He poured the gas on me, lit the match and watched it burn. Wasn't the first time & definitely wasn't the last. Over. My. Dead. Body. Will I let it happen again. NONE of you found it foul that he had a DUI conviction in 2011, in 2018 still doesn't have his license reinstated?? His *sort of* going to AA meetings? Those of you in recovery PLEASE talk about the narcism in addiction. NO ONE connected the dots?? That's ****ed up.

Why would I talk about DH's feelings? I can only speak to my own. DH wants stay married, but he's insecure & can't control what comes out of his big mouth (HIS WORDS). I want to stay married, but am breaking the pattern of miserable married women in my family. NO ONE will verbally abuse me for the rest of my life. That includes YOU HERE. Take a hard look in the mirror before you rage at me like DH did. YOU wouldn't let anyone else talk to you that way, whether you did something wrong or not. DH knows and acknowledged it too. I swung hard at those who *took pleasure* in taking down a 5'1" 95# woman, like DH did. You showed me! LOL Except... **YOU get what you give, internet bullies!!** Big ugly men don't scare me & I know your balls aren't big enough to say this **** to my face. Aside from defending myself in this post, find one thread with me talking down to anyone. You won't find any...

MattMatt- What I'm doing? Saying no. Breaking the pattern and being authentically me. Not perfect, but genuinely trying to be a good person & treat everyone equally & kindly. I spent a fortune on therapy & was diagnosed & treated for ADHD. I try to advocate for others with the same plight (there are TONS of us). We ADD'ers are twice as likely to be divorced. I'm trying to teach my kids (all Dx too) inclusion & lead by example. It's not OK for daddy to scream at mommy (or the other way around). It was hard to explain to my 9YO daughter last night why Daddy called Mommy "a piece of garbage." There are always *******s, but if my kids/friends/people I can impact recognize what they do right & and own what they did wrong, some of the sting goes away. I'll never knowingly let another woman get bashed for doing something a man does to her or treated poorly because *he can* treat her that way. I've heard many men say "that ***** cheated on me!" and then under their breath go "... I did too, but she doesn't know..." Not cool. To honor my goals, I started *right here*. I aspire to create a forum for women (& eventually men) to lift each other up, not tear each other down. All of us came to this forum to be heard, to feel validated & get help or return the favor to others. It's high school mentality to decide for everyone how to treat one member because of your *own slanted view* of life. Don't act like you came here out of the kindness of your hearts to help strangers. You're ****ed up too! We all are, but we want to do/be better! Offer your insight or advice. Don't fan the flames with your own wounds & insecurities.

Don't act like infidelity is this taboo thing that *ONLY* "immoral people" do. The US keeps electing WS presidents (BOTH parties)! "Infidelity" has more posts on this site than any other category! Back in the day, it was expected and condoned (remember my grandparents, the Kennedys, etc??), except that it takes a man & a woman (most of the time) to cheat. *Doesn't make cheating right*, but stop the holier than thou ****! In my book, the content of someone's character is defined by what they do after they **** up... I ate tons of **** and still have a smile on my face even as I punch you in yours for being a hypocrite. My *ONLY* goal in resurrecting this thread from the dead was to call BS for what it was. This world sucks, but it doesn't have to. Personally, I prefer LOVE, not war. Ironic who I married... Lovewins.
 
#262 ·
nice to know that i am reaching for my male privilege when i point out what i see.
@frustratedinphx, you are going to have a hard time here. you have categorically dismissed people on this thread based on false premises that you pretty much made up entirely on your own. premises that you constructed in order to validate your anger.

sorry, truth is, you just come across as a pretty miserable person.
 
#263 ·
They say that the only thing we can be sure of in life is death. This scares the crap out of us, so we do what we can to enliven the one life that we have. You and your H have done a bang-up job of 'enlivening.'

Drama queen, drama king, endlessly acting out for the children. They are the real losers here, in my opinion.

It's not too late to become a responsible adult. Counseling helps in that regard.

Some relationships are just toxic to everyone. You feed the toxicity. You bathe in it. To say that this is not healthy is a true understatement.

Five years later and five more years of the ****show. If you wanted to change this, you could do it. You are not leg-shackled.
 
#270 ·
God I hope all the victim puke was good for your poor narcissistic soul. You and your husband are bat **** crazy narcissists. The real victims in all of this are the children who have 2 world class narcissistic ass-hats modeling for them how to live. Bravo!

Here's the real kicker, most of the people that saw through that candy coated line of horse **** you spewed the first time you posted, don't even visit anymore.

Do the world a favor and stay with your husband, you two are a match made in hell.

So, arrivederci.

Text Font Line Screenshot Web page
 
#272 ·
Okay.... Wow...WOW....

Let me get my bearings. I first want to state that I do think people are being shallow in their introspection of your current tone.

This is a complicated issue. You come here with a 5 year up-date and sound un-remorseful and full of venom. I think you were sorry, but I don't really think you fixed you. I don't think you got to the root of why you cheated, and why you also stayed with someone so abusive to you. Still I don't think you have otherwise you would not have this rage... And no, he is not all the reason why. He is perhaps a factor.

I get your anger at his LIES about his affair, and I get your frustration about his dysfunction. YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT A LONG TIME AGO. this is not love that keeps you together it was something else....

He is a prick, a (seemingly WORTHLESS partner)

I think this situation is what happens when you Trickle truth, (you and him), and blame-shift, and generally not work on your own ****. (This is for both of you) This was not a reconcilliation, this was a long drawn out you did it, no you did it, nu-uh, did not....Those fights are unproductive.

(as a good business woman i hope you can see this?) Though I am not sure because your thread was a long painful vent that basically equated =No he did this this this this that that, oh and that too, and just a bit more of this... he just has not come here with his long drawn out version of your story.

This past five years, and seemingly still you are both pointing fingers. For BOTH of your sakes, drop your metaphoric fingers and just work together, to divorce, to reconcile, to have an open marriage, what ever! JUST STOP BLAMING THE OTHER, you both have EQUALLY now been the fault and problem. You traded the hat occasionally and other times you both wore the hat at the same time.

You both have sucked at this marriage. Get it together, or not....Just stop blaming each other as more responsible in the dysfunction.

I get it why you think he sucks....HE TOTALLY DOES.... but i think now it is time for you to get a few things about what you have allowed for your own actions.

WISHING YOU WELL!
 
#275 ·
I personally think we should be patient. She has been through the ringer even if the ringer was of her own making (to some % which is unimportant the amount!) She can grow! she can learn, just as she should not come at us with vitrol we should try to give her some grace....well...I will try.

5 years of this crap would drive anyone to the nut house!
 
#276 ·
"It was hard to explain to my 9YO daughter last night why Daddy called Mommy "a piece of garbage."

R isn't working after 5 years, the opposite. The worst thing for children is to witness abuse in the home. Can you imagine how stressed they are, at such a young age, waiting for the next time it happens? Explaining it to them as above simply tells them that it's OK to stay in a marriage. . . even after 5 years. . . if the abuse still going on. I can't think of a worse message. As a parent would you like to see them in such a marriage one day? And staying in it?

If you're happy they'll be happy. It's that simple.

In my opinion, divorce is the only option together with counselling to regain your groundedness.
It sounds like a horrible life to me. Life is short. We're not here forever.
 
#278 ·
You have to say you were wrong, you are remorseful, you were selfish to be 'forgiven'.
This works for those people who have it their hearts, in their vernacular to 'accept' said remorse.

For those who are bitter, for those freshly bitten, no amount of sorrys will redeem the cheater.

For them, these:

You have to 'run the gauntlet'. Run down the center aisle, all eyes upon you.
Never running, doing a soft shuffle. Moving, offering your bare butt for all to swat, all to whip.

And doing so with head bowed, nary a grin,
Face all puckered up and sorrowful, showing no one, any sign of spin.

This lady, Frustrated IP, did most of this, these things.
Yet, she held her head high, took her blows, sassed a little back, held her ground.

Yea, she remains obstinate, has a hard streak that cannot be erased.
Yea, nay, she chooses not to paint over it, this hard, obstinate streak.

.........................................................................................................

She opened her mouth, and spoke through her mostly straight 'I' teeth.

She bared her abraded un-enamored enamel for all to see, the fouled Wisdom Molar, this, her root cause for all us, to see, to criticize.

She admitted it was never wise, never meeting its intended mettle, it breaking, it stopping short.

She bared all, for all on TAM to glom onto, to point at and laugh-at-her not-really-gaffs.

She withstood the thrown tomatoes, the winged rotten cabbages... agh, of those pitched, none missing this Miss's Mark..
Hitting her in her face, obliterating her tattoo, that Scarlett 'A'.

She withered, not a lick, bowed her head, not a lick.

OH, the Lass, she weathered the barrage from the not-so-good ship, 'The USS SunCMars'.

That pirate ship hit the WW with a broadside, his guns, their iron balls struck her flanks, her bare bottom.
She took hit after hit from that hypocrites vessel, that floating carnival of a boat. With The Host, RD as its 'remote' skipper.
She did not flinch, her hull remained afloat. Any smoke seen came out of her ears, nary, say none, from her 'stern''' look, her 'beaming' pride, her 'broad's side'.

She is a fighter, a worthy Foe.
Fit for a wife of a Martian,
She not fit for any weaker soul.

She needs to be taken to ground, held there.
With a firm grip, a knowing smile.



The CC-
adapted from The Martian's scant notes.
 
#280 ·
And so rests the case for D when WW is caught cheating.

This is a great example of why you cant't believe a word that comes out of their mouths.

Even when she said she would do anything to save her marriage (still don't understand this if the picture she paints of BS is accurate). All she actually did was give reasons for her cheating.

Until she understands that there are no acceptable reasons for this she will not have grown.

She is one of those people who somehow manages to go through life without actually learning anything.

All I see when I read her posts is "poor me" and the usual anger when she does not get the sympathy vote she was clearly fishing for.

As others have said its the children who are going to suffer most in the end because neither WW or BS appear to be capable of owning their own **** and learning from their mistakes.

Just divorce already and give the kids a break from this crap.
 
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