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I had it all threw it all away...

109K views 343 replies 92 participants last post by  TeddieG 
#1 ·
My husband and I had a really difficult marriage for many years, but we've been married for 11 and together for 13. We have 3 kids- 8, 5 & 3 mos. If you read any of my other posts, I talk about him being mean and saying hurtful things, threatening to leave when he'd get mad and screaming at me for years. I wanted his attention and just couldn't get it. I tried seducing him, lingerie, going to therapy with him and alone and trying to understand his ADHD, serious level of involvement with video games and being a work aholic.

Somewhere along the way, I let an old colleague into my life and shared what was going on. He like everyone else acted as if what my husband was doing was wrong and I felt a little validated.

At some point, he expressed feelings for me, I had had a little crush on him. He lives in another state (6+ hours drive away), but one thing led to another and it became an EA and then a PA that went on and off for 5 years. We were intimate about 6 times, but i never saw him otherwise. It was texts and and skype and instant message. We exchanged a few pictures and at the point I decided I wanted out, he decided to blackmail me saying that he would expose the pictures he had of me and he claimed that he had pictures he took of me when we were together- I'm not sure I believe it.

Long story short, because this was all via text, i had to take screen shots of my phone. I'm not stupid, but I really didn't understand how having an icloud worked. My husband on the other hand is a VP in a tech company and his specialty- cloud networks. The pictures I took ended up on my icloud and when he bought me a new computer and was setting it up, he found those screen shots.

Initially I downplayed it and said that it was just texting/sexting. He went through every device (computer, ipad, etc) and found a lot more. He exploded and I withheld all of the truth because after I severed communication with the OM who reacted by trying to blackmail me again which I refused to give in to (I was ready to face whatever he had to dish out if he was really going to act), his first reaction was to try to kill the guy and he was prepared to drive to another state to do it.

I didn't want him to go to jail or worse because the OM has guns and end up injured himself. So I never told him the full extent that I talked to this guy for 5 years. I only told him that i saw him twice and it was for 2011 & 2012. One major thing he really struggled with is that as we were trying to conceive our third child and this was when the A was ending. There was a little overlap with the last time I slept with OM and when we were trying to conceive but absolutely no possibility that our baby is OMs. She was conceived in June and the last physical contact with OM was in March.

We reconciled initially but he struggled to understand why I had done what I did, which I completely understand. I felt awful and take full responsibility for my actions and the impact it will have on us and our 3 kids. Over the last few weeks I wrestled with myself as we tried to get on with our lives. He'd have moments of doubt and tell me he didn't trust me which I understood.

To complicate things, when I was pregnant, he had to go to work in Brazil and while out at a bar or club with some colleagues a very forward girl introduced herself and put her phone number in his phone. When he got home from this trip, he was acting weird- always checking his phone, keeping it face down so one night/morning, at 5A i checked his phone and found a conversation with this girl (much younger) and a picture of her naked with her nipples covered up. I was 9 mos pregnant and due in less than a month. It was devastating but I didnt' want to give up my marriage. I thought karma had just bit me in the butt and almost felt like I deserved it.

When I confronted him, he cried and said he wanted to be a family and didn't want to break up. I understood completely and wanted to work it out. After our marriage being bad for so long, it was finally on a better path or so I thought.

Fast forward to the last few weeks and as it appeared we would really be able to reconcile I began to feel guilt about not telling him the full truth. All day yesterday I struggled to find a way to tell him. I suggesed we go to counseling hoping that in an IC session I could get help to do so. I was with a client and started getting these texts that he found everything that I was a liar and a cheat and he wanted a divorce. Because I was working, I couldn't even respond until my client left.

He's so angry at me that he won't talk to me at all. I've tried everythign to talk to him, following him, wrote him a letter and he just clams up or tells me that it's over, that he's getting a lawyer and that he's leaving me.

I know what I did was wrong and can never justify anything I did. But for so long, he wouldn't talk to me and when he did, it was just cruel. I thought we would never work it out and that I would dry up and be an old prune. It was so nice to feel like someone cared and asked about my day. The thing I craved most from the OM was his companionship. He asked about my day, told me I was pretty, none of the things my husband would do. I tried to ask BS to put into perspective what he felt was the reason he needed to have his one mini EA.

I told him the only thing he didn't have more of for it to be a full blown EA and possibly PA was time- he hadn't known her long enough and the business deal that he was sent to Brazil for was not going through. I caught him looking at her facebook profile and possibly talking to her a few times after that and always just tried to be brave. I will never know what really happened although he says nothing did, but now that he wishes they did have sex.

I'm so distraught. I understand why he wants to leave, but will do anything to get him back. I don't mean to sound desperate, but I love him so much and our family. I want to grow old together adn raise our kids and have grandkids together. I'm so embarrassed at what I've done and ashamed for being so stupid. I can't believe my life went from being so good to something out of a Jerry Springer episode. I'm such an idiot for letting things go on and not wising up sooner. Every time BS would crap all over me, somehow OM would appear saying nice things. The timing was really sick. It was really more of an EA than a PA, though it was definitely PA on occasion 1-2s/yr.

I know I will never get anyone to feel sorry for me because I have no excuse for what I did, but can any of you BSs tell me what if anything I can do or what I may be missing to understand what he's going through and if any of you reconciled after an EA/PA, I would love to hear how you did it. I want with all my heart to be with him and would give up my social media accounts, instant messenger and even my job to be with him and be a family again and to have him want us to be a family and him want to be with me.

As of now, he hasn't packed his thigns, but he threw out our smaller wedding photos and gave me back his wedding ring and the watch I gave him on our wedding day. I am so numb, I can't even cry. I just hate myself and don't think I'll ever stop hating myself. Please help me.
 
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#281 ·
"It was hard to explain to my 9YO daughter last night why Daddy called Mommy "a piece of garbage."
Because mommy had a boyfriend, and married ladies are not supposed to have boyfriends. And mommy isn't really sorry. She just wants to be mean to daddy.

See? Easy peasy
 
#283 ·
I'm not sure what you are trying to get out of coming back here.

You're husband seems like a total mess- a drunken, mean idiot.

Your marriage is absolutely horrible yet you say you both want to stay married.

And you seem like you want to kill someone.

You are the poster children for not staying together after an affair.
 
#284 ·
As a wayward wife myself, I read this and see excuses. You started off the topic as your husband being abusive. He could be, however you had the decision to leave before the affair started.

I have learned a lot about my relationship with my husband and I with a lot of self reflection and have helped myself more than any counseling could have ever helped me. Read book, want change etc.

Helping your relationship starts with helping yourself and being 100% honest.

Reading more in to the story, it seems your relationship is toxic. You both need help. Hope you can find the help you need.


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#285 ·
Frustratedinphx

You have been through a ton of damage in the last 5 years; some your own doing and some your husband’s doing. You are still suffering from all that damage however, this is what I see:

You have had a lot of success in your youth and in your 20s and 30s
You seem to be a very capable woman
You are a good writer
You make a very good living.... Arizona is a great state and the real estate market is good
You have three children that can give you more added meaning to life
From what you wrote you would be a lot better off not married to the father of your three children

I have only one suggestion for you right now…..Use your abilities and all other helps to get better with your damaged emotions….Start by gaining in forgiveness because that will HELP YOU A LOT!...That will do a whole lot more for you and your children than rehashing the last five years or defending yourself about your previous failures….work on forgiving yourself and others as that is an action for only you and God.

I am pretty sure that you know all this but for you to get a lot better you will have to DO IT! That is the beginning key to your improvement. Where are you on this issue?
 
#287 ·
You said something very interesting to me.
You said something along the lines of, "he did hit on me but I'm not interested in someone 20 years older".
This speaks volumes.

Not, I'm trying to fix my marriage.
Not, I did that once and it didn't work.
Not, ITS WRONG.
Nope, it was his age?

Sounds to me like you both set fires and are now complaining that it's too hot.
Good luck.
 
#288 ·
This thread makes me want to throw up......in the OPs general direction.
 
#291 ·
You want the truth? I’m sad and lonely. My marriage is toxic. Why? My parents are toxic. I spent a week with my kids visiting family out of state a week ago. I spent two hours talking to two aunts, one from each side of the family. They both validated that my parents are judgmental and unforgiving. My mother abused my father verbally from the time I was a kid and still does now. Today I know what abuse looks & can call her for it. But she doesn’t like that. My poor dad defends her even as she abuses him.

I learned how to take it along time ago and always did. I read some of the posts in this infidelity forum about how after being treated like dirt, people go out and have affairs. It isn’t right, but it’s one escape from the harsh reality. My affair was more emotional than anything else. It represented the love I wasn’t getting at home and didn’t get as a kid. Now that I know more about it, I’m trying to undo those patterns. They exist throughout my entire family, on both sides.

I talked to my cousins about it while I was on vacation. We talked about how this pattern of abuse affected our own marriages, our parents’ marriages & shamefully affected my grandparents too. My grandfather treated my poor grandma like dirt, except we didn’t know it. All the truth coming out it once was a reality that was a lot for me.

I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to resolve my abandonment issues that won’t go away. The comment about the older man above? Dating a man 20 years my senior just seems like a destiny with abandonment. Dating/marriage to a man with unresolved issues, whether addiction, personality disorder, or otherwise, in my eyes = abandonment. I was a latchkey kid at age 11. I’ve always had to take care of myself despite whatever life throws at me. I did/do and I thrive. Doesn’t mean I’m not scared or ready to face misery head on.

I credit my husband for addressing his alcoholism (4mos sober-his mom thinks is 6mos, set her straight), ADHD (in treatment), lack of participation in our family. He’s done more in the last 12 mos with/for me & our kids, than in the previous 15 years of our marriage. I’ve been dealing with ALL OF THIS this for 16 years. I’m tired, still lonely and he’s still cruel to me. I can’t tell you how many times he’s thrown me out- of our house of our room, even vacation last month. We were at his nephew’s wedding, our ringbearer. On the morning of the wedding (all 3 kids were in it), he told me to go find my own hotel room and a rental car. Just as quickly, he said he didn’t mean it & wanted me to stay. You can’t take stuff like that back.

My individual counselor (seen since 2007 & regularly since 2013), suggested he may have a dual diagnosis- an addict with a personality disorder. Mind you my counselor has been treating substance abuse for a few decades and is on staff at a hospital. Addiction & mental illness also runs rampant in his family. I researched it & it fits the bill. Addiction & mental illness runs in his family.

He told me it’s all fixable, but only if hubby is willing. Problem is, he’ll fix some things, but wants me to be the “worse“ one. Whatever his problems are, I have to overcome more. Except, I’ve run out of stuff to fix, except my marriage. I’ve fixed me as much as I can (do we ever stop trying to be better?), but he generalizes my issues & can’t name anything specific other than I’m “the one starting the arguments”. [side-note: I don’t have to say anything for him to get & stay angry. He can get there all by himself.]

I’m ashamed to admit this, in December since caught him high, drunk and in women’s clothes (claimed he bought them for me). In March I found him high, drunk & passed out in a room full of sex toys at 7 AM on a school morning). The sex toys are because of our “sexless marriage”... I’m not getting any either, but I know porn isn’t the answer. He didn’t help me get our kids to school and was passed out in the shower- dangerous on its own. If our kids came in and saw everything out, that would’ve been child abuse. He’s been high and drunk in the middle the day while working many times throughout the years. So, he’s unfortunately unreliable as a parent too.

Then, he admitted that he was sexually abused at 8 for ~6mos. *ah-ha moment* 1-2mos later another friend admitted being abused for years as a kid. My friend isn’t not angry or bitter though. He’s had a pretty great life. He’s a pseudo celebrity- no exaggeration. Heovercame a lot & is now a life coach trying to help others out of the “victim mentality”. *Maybe not*

My husband is unwilling to go to counseling, deal with or talk about his secret that *only I* know. I’m supposed to deal with the fallout all on my own? Sadly because addicts lie (he’s a dry drunk), I’m starting to worry about whether thats even real. I feel guilty questioning it, but I have to.

As a parent, I’m scared. I’m not doing my kids favors by exposing them to all this. I sat down with him last week and quietly, carefully begged him to go seek a full psychiatric evaluation. I read to him what I suspected, laid out my concerns (users guide) and it seemed he was willing to go. My counselor agreed last week I wasn’t “enabling“ him by giving him referrals for psychiatrists. I gave him 2. One his family handpicked by 3yrs ago to evaluate *me* for mental illness during my “intervention” he helped set up in 2015. I could have revolted, but I went. Maybe I was missing something & could be a better person for it.

She concluded I had ADHD, except by that time I’d been diagnosed and treated for 2 years. His family though I was “self-diagnosed”. She also said I had adjustment disorder (a sh*tty situation- duh) & that it sounded like he needed help. I called her 2 days. We discussed that borderline personality disorder might be the issue- not her specialty. She referred another, who I passed on to him. Even though, the referral is in-network & the office 1.5mi away from us, it seems he has no intention of going.

Today I gave him the ultimatum- get an evaluation by the end of this week to rule out & potentially treat mental illness, or I had 2 choices- stay and risk my/our kids’ sanity/safety or leave. The 1st isn’t an option. That leaves 1.
His response was “It is already just me and has been for a really long time.**It’s clear you are unwilling to acknowledge your part in ongoing conflict.**You can spin it and act like you’re being asked to take responsibility for my parts, but that isn’t true.***I was willing to explore and investigate with you, but not for you.***You can be out -- there is no reason to wait until the end of the week.”

My affair was wrong, but it was my attempt at escape. I consulted a divorce attorney BEFORE my affair crossed my mind. The guy told me I couldn’t- something about having no rights to my unborn child. Sounded like garbage, but I was stuck. My counselor knew & advised me to seek support from a girlfriend, but I didn’t listen. He was the first one to tell me I’d be ok if I left, that was years before the madness. I’ve done all I can do & have to draw the line. Tell me how you’d have handled it better, then realize it’s not your life to live or judge.

Thanks for the insults, berating me, judgement & everything else. I know what I have to do & will spend the rest of my life telling everyone who’ll listen to: respect & believe in themself, that no one deserves to be abused, that people can change if they want to and that everyone deserves love, but not at the expense of another. I hope to make a difference to anyone going through it or anyone peering into this kind of situation. It’s not black & white. Guess I’ll be busy for a while... thanks for making it to end.


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#293 ·
Today I gave him the ultimatum- get an evaluation by the end of this week to rule out & potentially treat mental illness, or I had 2 choices- stay and risk my/our kids’ sanity/safety or leave. The 1st isn’t an option. That leaves 1. His response was “It is already just me and has been for a really long time.**It’s clear you are unwilling to acknowledge your part in ongoing conflict.**You can spin it and act like you’re being asked to take responsibility for my parts, but that isn’t true.***I was willing to explore and investigate with you, but not for you.***You can be out -- there is no reason to wait until the end of the week.”
The thread was so long that I only had time to read mostly your posts, and I am commenting based primarily on only your point of view where you cast yourself in the best light possible. Even with this advantage, you come across as such a deliberately unremorseful and blame shifting cheater that I at first wondered if you might be a troll trying to provoke a response. The fact is that if your husband posted directly to this site and told us that in response to your "ultimatum" he told you that “You can be out -- there is no reason to wait until the end of the week”, it would have been one of the most liked posts on this site. I also liked the quote where he said "I was willing to explore and investigate with you, but not for you", and intend to steal it for use it in other posts. Heck, I liked all of his quotes. When you are done posting to this site, please tell him to post here on this site, as others could benefit from his input.
 
#292 ·
I don't hear that you are repentant, or really acknowledge that you are a mess. You just make excuses and justify your actions.

Have you gone to God and told him what a mess you are? That you don't even listen to your counselors and have made further messes of your and other people's lives?

Have you asked God to take over your life for you? He will do a better job at managing your life than you are.

I think that is where you are now. Nothing is working for you, and you need to give yourself and all the control over to God to clean up you and your life.

You have been trying to control everything for a very long time, and it hasn't worked out, because you are a large part of the problem. That is why you need to give yourself completely to God's control.

Until you do that, your life is going to continue the way it is. You need a miracle.
 
#295 ·
This sounds very toxic. I suggest you both separate. You are both so damaged that you only contribute to each others problems. It's not good for your kids. They need some stability not the two of your issues bouncing off each other and causing drama. I would seriously consider separating for a while just to calm down.
 
#297 ·
I've only read your first and last post and a couple in between. All I can feel is just your exhaustion and 'where to from here' with it all. Sometimes it's just better to separate and in this case it might be better for your children. Hopefully you'll both be able to heal apart from each other and in time be able to forgive each other. All the best to you both.
 
#298 ·
Respectfully, at some point you are going to have stop demonizing your husband, your relatives and your childhood and instead start working on yourself in order to become an emotionally healthy adult for you and your children. If your therapist is allowing you to sit in session after session lambasting your husband and others then s/he is not helping you and you need to find another. You cannot change your husband, relatives or the past but what you can change is yourself and your circumstances.

Most people in this world have experienced troubled childhoods (to some degree), many people have chosen bad marriage partners because of patterns learned from dysfunctional childhood experiences … none of that excuses avoiding looking at one’s own behavior and choices in order to realize where they went wrong and improve. Blaming others and choosing an identify of a “victim of others or circumstances” (which is what you are doing) may give you a sense of control and righteousness, however it’s an illusion. It does not lead to happiness, peace or living an authentic life, rather it leads to anger and depression in the long term.

Stop the dysfunctional dance you are in with your husband and yes you are part of that dysfunction. Just stop, change your focus onto yourself and your children. Dig deep, find out what’s in YOU that drove YOU to get yourself to where you are now, what choices YOU made so that YOU can change and make better choices in the future … that is your starting point.


Do I have compassion for your situation? Of course I do, I was married to a covert-narcissist (diagnosed) for 28 years so BTDT, however sympathy will not help you to change your situation ... all it will do is keep you stagnant, in this same mess, until you crash from emotional exhaustion.
 
#300 ·
Regardless of how this situation developed, if hubby is getting drunk/high and getting freaky with clothes and toys while passing out with the possibility of being found by the kids, you need to consider their safety and remove them as well as yourself.

You deserve some shame and derision for your actions and probably divorce, however, he apparently does as well.

Get your legal ducks in a row and get your children off this crazy train. Your husband and you have made a mess that your children do not deserve to be in.

They are the real victims here.

Get yourself healthy and don't worry about if your husband will or not until you have yourself and your children in a good place.

I wouldn't even consider a relationship, with your husband or anyone else, until you get healthy for a while.

Take care.
 
#307 ·
What is the point of this “marriage”?

You’re both addicted to this sick, toxic drama. You’re both addicts.

I feel very sorry for your kids. They really don’t stand a chance. Looks like they’re doomed to inherit the same pile of **** drama you say you inherited from your narcissistic parents.
 
#309 ·
Unless you’ve tried to walk away from a narcissist, you don’t know how hard it is. I’d happily divorce my parents, but it wouldn’t be good for my kids. I limit my interaction with them instead.

Anyone else want to pile on? See how mean and/or condescending can you be! It’ll make you no better than the people you scorn. [emoji1376]


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#310 ·
Okay so here is what I think is the confusing thing from a lot of perspectives.
The name of this thread was "I had it and and threw it away."
The Thread starts and it seams you had an okay marriage but there was a lack of intimacy and you strayed outside of your marriage to get it.

15 - 20 pages in you finally state that the marriage was crap. My guess the marriage has been crap the entire time. My guess is that guilt drove your first post and you framed your relationship, despite everything outside of your frame was ugly.

So your in a marriage with an addict with long term issues. You both did not do what was necessary to resolve those issues and instead of ending the relationships you both decided to stay in it but get what you are needing from outside of your relation ship. Making your true relation ship worse. You both have mental/behavioral issues.

Honestly this relationship is not one. Please, one of you, make a decision and stick to it. If you want to stay stay and be ready to deal with the pain of reconciliation, and his recovery/treatment. If you don't want to stay hire a lawyer. Either way it seems like neither of you really want to be in this but both of you are too scared to pull the trigger.
 
#311 ·
Affairs are not symptoms of a bad marriage. Although I understand why you are thinking that.

Affairs are a symptom of an mentally unhealthy individual who seeks and escape from their reality because they don't have the courage to face it head on. OR they do have the courage but they lack understanding on why they are mentally unhealthy.

(I have mental health issues. Depression and ADHD, as you know.) So i don't say that as a terrible thing. We all have our demons, but if you are a mentally unhealthy individual you are incapable of a healthy marriage. But the other individual in the marriage could be doing just about EVERY thing right. It happens.

The marriage is just one place in the chain of events. It is by no means the root.... This is why there are serial cheaters. They bounce to and fro... But their partners may be perfect. It wont matter, because it is the individual.
 
#312 ·
I disagree with the absolute statement here. Just from reading this site alone I have seen perfectly normal (being mentally healthy people fall into bad situations and make mistakes.) Not all cheaters are serial cheaters. Sure Affairs can be an indication of someone being mentally unhealthy, just like they can be a symptom of a bad marriage, but it isn't an absolute.
 
#317 ·
No I am the 2nd husband. I got to be the guy that had to deal with all the PTSD, OCD, 2 step kids, and her financial ruin. But when you're young love conquers all right......... no. Despite the bad there is a lot of good in our relationship. I have to stay vigilante and giver her some tough love now and then.
 
#321 ·
Frustrated, I have but one thing to say. If your husband is not BPD, I will eat my hat. I, unfortunately, was in business with the spouse of a BPD. It single-handedly ruined our company. We had a great thing going, he was sales, and I was the inside guy. She kept melting down, accusing, getting in the kids faces, nasty creature. Narcissistic as hell, openly refers to herself as a MILF. You get the drift, a cluster fuçk in the first degree. She destroyed the poor SOB. He kept retreating to a vacation property up north. Couldn't make sales from the deck of his vacation home. We parted company, and I walked away wiser, but even financially, it would have blown to have lost money on her. He likely won't get help. Probably not in him, and his way is likely comfortable to him. He likely broods and runs the same litany of hurts over and over in his head. If he is drinking, then you have to save yourself and your kids. Alcohol and BPD only escalates erratic behaviors. Been around that as well. (Cool mom had the cops visit her for serving alcohol to minors). That kind of thing. He has already gotten a DUI, hasn't he?
 
#323 ·
Extreme DUI in 2011 while I was far away at my Grandma’s funeral. It took nagging for 5 years & 2 tries starting from 2016 for him to get his interlock device time done (12 month sentence). Comes off in 2 weeks, but he was adamant that he had “fulfilled his legal obligation” and told everyone so. They believed him. The stress from that alone has been insane. Never mind the rest.

Today he’s sober, but not in treatment- a dry drunk. I didn’t know what that was until he told me. This is why my therapist is like gold to me. He understands addiction inside and out. It’s existed in his family for 4 generations. One of his own kids is an addict. Both of them have ADHD. He helps me sort that out from everything else. It’s too much for another one to sift through, let alone be intimately knowledgeable about. He keeps me honest about my situation.


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#335 ·
For a long time I have contemplated starting a thread about being cheating on when you are a narcissist. Everyone throws that term around about the cheater, but what happens when the narcissist is cheated on? It isn’t good. Ask me how I know.
I am sure if a narcissist is cheated on, they go ballistic in ways I cannot imagine. It makes one shudder to contemplate it.

But here's the thing. I really CAN'T control the actions and attitudes of other people. I CAN make choices about my own. I am not bound to be horrible just because someone was horrible to me.

That is why the question: Am I horrible or did I do something horrible in the midst of horrible circumstances is, in the final analysis, irrelevant. Because the underlying message there is:

It is not my fault I did X. If someone else hadn't done W, I would not have done X.

And the first step to NOT being a horrible person is NOT blaming others for one's actions. Even when that person's actions are horrible.

I think the OP's husband is....ridiculously issue-ridden, selfish, and arrogant. BUT he is not here. And he is not likely to change.

So the question is, does the OP want to remain enslaved to the actions and reactions of the people around her (her husband, her parents, etc.) or does she want to be in charge of her own choices? It's not a formality to ask that question. There's lots of secondary gain that comes from staying enslaved to what other people do because it provides the illusion of absolution.
 
#336 · (Edited)
I am sure if a narcissist is cheated on, they go ballistic in ways I cannot imagine. It makes one shudder to contemplate it.

No you can’t. Here are my most 2 probable realities that you can’t imagine unless you’ve experienced it.
https://youtu.be/TJv5JZnWkIU
Or
https://youtu.be/3Dt9xJGPQBk

This abuse has been my reality for the better part of my life, starting with my mother: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/a...t-emotional-abuse-can-make-you-think-you-are/ There’s no shame in enduring it, but it’s a shame not to stop it.

I’m 5 YEARS out of the infidelities & my 1st post. I’m not the woman today who wrote then. Sadly, this site’s culture is the same. Yesterday, I watched someone else get bullied into signing off TAM for a 2nd time (as I did years before).

My husband is READING THIS THREAD and THROWING YOUR REPLIES IN MY FACE again! He‘s sitting back & letting YOU do his dirty work with all of the satisfaction & none of the guilt. He’s too much of a coward to speak up or make meaningful change. Who’s going to lead the witch hunt for his: lying by omission (his affair), trickle-truth, abuse, blah, blah... ? Seriously.

I’m FAR from perfect. What I know today protects my sanity from what I experienced then or could tomorrow, thank God! If you came to learn & grow, I applaud you. If you came to wallow in pity & dish it back to others to feel better, YOU are part of the problem: https://us.ditchthelabel.org/why-do-people-bully/
Other member*S* came to my defense in private 5yrs and today. Wish they did in public bc this sh*t isn’t changing and needs to.

Final note: many accuse me of not making change, but refuse to acknowledge I have AND STILL DO. Your pain & healing journey are not mine & won’t look the same. My process only needs to be *good enough* for me & the people in my life. Look up “positive reinforcement”. Most of you are doing the opposite. You CAN’T beat my issues out of me.

“Dry drunks” are sober people *stuck* with their old attitudes & behaviors that got them there in the 1st place. Co-dependents are relationship-damaged people stuck with their old attitudes & behaviors that got them there in the 1st place. Codependency exists after you leave a bad relationship situation or the relationship itself, unless you change your attitudes & behaviors. Get to recovery however you can, but please get there! I’m well on my way out, but worry about several of you.

Please get help. Even partial change, is empowering & will *change your life* for the better.[emoji1365]
https://goodmenproject.com/featured...the-cycle-of-verbal-and-emotional-abuse-fiff/


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#337 ·
Hey, I do think people have been very short sighted in their perspective of your VERY LONG and complicated story.

If your husband is reading I say this to you. (YOU HAVE A LOT OF INTROSPECTION TO DO SIR) and the longer you deny it and point the finger nothing will change. You are no longer a victim, it is long past that. You have victimized your wife JUST as much as she has to you. (TIT FOR TAT does not really work in the real world) GROW THE HELL UP DUDE.

Neither of you come out in this rosy and perfect.

To OP. you know I support you. Not because I side with you. Not because I think you are the perfect one in this, but because Infidelity echoes across the years for us all in different ways. It is crazy making. And I can identify with a lot of what you have gone through. Though I am a Betrayed spouse i still see what you are going through and hope you can get through this.

I think you HAVE owned your own situation. But it is difficult to maintain that when he has burned you as he has. (YES HUSBAND, YOU SUCK TOO) When have you owned the fact that you cheated and threw her under the bus? When the hell were YOU CONTRITE?

Husband, you have a double standard. I think you are messed up in the head and the denial is going to ruin your life.

op. If he is acting this way now, it probably will never end for you. Maybe it is time to call it. You cant reconcile with him and he does not want to reconcile with you. The actions say that.
 
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