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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-10-2013, 10:08 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: His words & actions don't match

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Originally Posted by Flygirl View Post
I wouldn't put it past him to have sex. I asked him to take a poly and first he said he would. Later after I found out he was lying again, i asked him why he agreed to take a poly if he knew he was lying. He said I thought they would only ask if we had sex. So I asked him to take one again after that and when he said yes, I said good you go at 3pm tomorrow. He back peddled saying how can i trust this test....this is my life in his hands. Excuses excuses.
Lies, lies, and more lies. Go through with the poly. People tend to unload it all before the poly. (There have been a few reports here alone of this happening lately.)

You sound strong, but I know you must be very hurt. Keep him kicked out until you're satisfied that you have the real story (or as close as you'll ever get). If you let him come back before he has really come clean, the rug sweeping can start in earnest and then things will get more difficult for you.
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Old 07-10-2013, 11:05 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: His words & actions don't match

My WW changed the name of her boss to a pet name she had for him. One of the girls at home got on WW's computer once and told her (in front of me) "Hey, WW, Johnny sent you a text."

I used to like Johnny Cash.
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Old 07-10-2013, 12:32 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: His words & actions don't match

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Im thinking he needs individual counseling, did he have the habit of lying this much before or is it the cheating?
I've been in IC for over 10 years and have asked him join me more times than I can count. He finally started going after I found out about his EA. He's been 3 times so far and actually seems to like it. My counselor said that the EA is just symptom of a much bigger problem with my husband.

No, he was about as honest as they make them before this. There was a major set back for him a month before all of this started. His parents basically disowned him. There's a lot of issues with his family and the business is a family business in which he has equal shares in. He's always been the black sheep and the only one in his family that runs the business and does all they work, while they sit at home and enjoy the profits. We grew apart years ago and had been living like roommates. Partly because of his long, late hours. Almost 5 years ago I had a brief EA with a man that I met on vacation in a different state. I never really hid it or lied about it though. I went to my husband the minute I felt something for the OM and told him I had all these feelings and that I wish they were for him. This woke him up and he made all these positive changes...which lasted for 6 months.

I even tried to help my husband tell me the truth by saying I know what it's like to have feelings for someone other than our spouse. I get it. I know we had grown apart and the attention she was giving you felt good. I said I've been there and I know what you're going through. I know it's not easy to look at your spouse and tell them you have feelings for someone else...it's not easy. Let me help you through this. He still won't admit it. I just want to bang my head into a wall. Finally I said if I ever betray you like this, you better believe I have feelings for that guy...strong ones too because I would never hurt you like this because I was just bored and wanted to play blackjack.
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Old 07-10-2013, 07:45 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: His words & actions don't match

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Re-read this. Sounds like she may have financial and or gambling issues and found an ATM in your husband. That being said, they may have had an PA ... OR... There was no PA but she was stringing him along to get him to pay for things. Either way the situation is deplorable. Is she still an employee? Could you run a credit check on her? Might shed some more light on the money issue.
My husband has a gambling problem but I don't think she does. I'm beyond frustrated right now. He had counseling by himself today and told the counselor the extent of his addiction and how I want him to admit feelings about the girl. The counselor emails me and tells me to basically let it go and stop putting the focus on the girl and focus on the real issue, gambling. That his boundry issues and poor decisions stem from gambling and not from feelings about the girl. I said no, sorry. I can't do that. I want him to own up to his feelings. Blaming his gambling addiction is an easy way out. I will support his counseling, family and work issues and in dealing with his addiction but I will not stay married to him if he can't come with me about her. I'm not asking for much.
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Old 07-10-2013, 10:56 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: His words & actions don't match

What a classic example of deception, lies and trickle truth.

I have to hand it to you, flygirl, you worked smartly to uncover the truth.

Is he still lying? Yeah, probably.

Did he have sex with this 'accomplice'? Hard to say. But one thing is for sure, he certainly tried to.

I like the separation avenue. It gives both of you time to think of how best proceed with your lives with no interference.
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Old 07-11-2013, 04:17 PM   #21 (permalink)
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I get so jealous about the OW. Especially because she's been working for us for so long that she knows a lot about the business. My husband is a workaholic and work is his life.She can relate to him in ways I can't. She "gets" him. Where he has to explain things to me. He was always against me helping out with the business (now I know why...lol) until I found out about her. Now he wants my help and wants me there all the time. I really do enjoy helping out and learning the business but I feel like he made me her little B*tch at work, as she is the one who is teaching me each department. When I tell my husband this he says "she works for you. You are an owner". I feel like she can do no wrong in his eyes. While I know I am much more attractive than her, she is smarter than me. I can even see why my husband would be attracted to her...she's like a male version of him. Work is their life and she gets him. She's funny. My husband gets mad when I compare myself to her because he says there is no comparison. I'm his wife and he loves me but that's what he's supposed to say. If I won't go to work with him on the nights she's there, he texts her before he gets there and sends her home so he doesn't have to be there at the same time she is. In my mind he does this because he can't trust himself to be around her and not do anything wrong or say anything stupid. I keep telling him that i need to see that he can communicate with her in a strictly professional way but he won't. She still texts him about work but he wont reply. He has me reply to her. It's stupid. I feel like he only wants to communicate with her if he can do it the way he wants to. He doesn't say that...those are my words. This is such a mess.
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Old 07-11-2013, 05:11 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: His words & actions don't match

@flygirl, this is a mess! OW needs to go but he's made that hard to do...she could claim sexual harassment and sue him and the company.

I know where you're coming from because my H also runs the family business but his father is still employed. I am also not allowed to work there and have been ASAHM since 1992. He had a girl working for them that they promoted to a manager. She was young, attractive and flirty. She lavished attention on my H and he ate it up and even strutted around the other male employees like the king of the jungle. It got to the point that my FIL asked him what was going on between them so you can only guess what everyone else was thinking. I didn't know much about her but became concerned after hearing a VM from her to my H that was a little too friendly for employee and employer for me. He claimed nothing was going on, no EA or PA, just flirting.

Well she decided that they should have a company Xmas party for all the divisions and she put herself in charge of it, how sweet. I went and introduced myself to her and said "you must be A, the work wife" in a smart ass tone. I observed the body language between the two of them and noticed her looking over to see where he was, and most of the time he was by my side. She seemed needy, like she wasn't getting enough attention from him.

The party was wrapping up and a few of us, including her, were going to a bar for a few drinks. She cornered my H in the office area when she thought they were alone, but my FIL and I walked in when she was asking him where this bar was. Now, I just heard someone tell her it was down the street where one of their friends worked and she said okay, so why the need to follow my H to ask him where it was??? They were around a corner by the exit and couldn't see me or my FIL and we just looked at each other like WTF.

We get to the bar and I sit, and watch, and listen. I had her figured out in less then an hour...she was a late bloomer who had now discovered the attention and the power she could have over men. She was indeed needy, seeking male attention. Although several female co-workers were with us, she spent 99% of the time engaged in conversations with the guys there, including my H. I also learned that she flirted with everyone, and I mean any guy she came in contact with (someone watched her flirt with the cleaning guy). I think in my H she saw a possible way up the ladder to a position of power in the company. After the party the VM toned back to a professional level and he put the brakes on the flirting. She has since been let go and my H vows to never employ any more females because if he does, I'm gone.
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Old 07-11-2013, 09:15 PM   #23 (permalink)
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@flygirl, this is a mess! OW needs to go but he's made that hard to do...she could claim sexual harassment and sue him and the company.

I know where you're coming from because my H also runs the family business but his father is still employed. I am also not allowed to work there and have been ASAHM since 1992. He had a girl working for them that they promoted to a manager. She was young, attractive and flirty. She lavished attention on my H and he ate it up and even strutted around the other male employees like the king of the jungle. It got to the point that my FIL asked him what was going on between them so you can only guess what everyone else was thinking. I didn't know much about her but became concerned after hearing a VM from her to my H that was a little too friendly for employee and employer for me. He claimed nothing was going on, no EA or PA, just flirting.

Well she decided that they should have a company Xmas party for all the divisions and she put herself in charge of it, how sweet. I went and introduced myself to her and said "you must be A, the work wife" in a smart ass tone. I observed the body language between the two of them and noticed her looking over to see where he was, and most of the time he was by my side. She seemed needy, like she wasn't getting enough attention from him.

The party was wrapping up and a few of us, including her, were going to a bar for a few drinks. She cornered my H in the office area when she thought they were alone, but my FIL and I walked in when she was asking him where this bar was. Now, I just heard someone tell her it was down the street where one of their friends worked and she said okay, so why the need to follow my H to ask him where it was??? They were around a corner by the exit and couldn't see me or my FIL and we just looked at each other like WTF.

We get to the bar and I sit, and watch, and listen. I had her figured out in less then an hour...she was a late bloomer who had now discovered the attention and the power she could have over men. She was indeed needy, seeking male attention. Although several female co-workers were with us, she spent 99% of the time engaged in conversations with the guys there, including my H. I also learned that she flirted with everyone, and I mean any guy she came in contact with (someone watched her flirt with the cleaning guy). I think in my H she saw a possible way up the ladder to a position of power in the company. After the party the VM toned back to a professional level and he put the brakes on the flirting. She has since been let go and my H vows to never employ any more females because if he does, I'm gone.
I feel so stupid when I'm at work...like everyone is laughing at me for being so blind and trusting. Didn't that bother you when even your FIL asked if there was something going on? I guess I shouldn't care what they think anyway and his behavior is more of a reflection on him than me but still. This was the first female manager he's had too and it will be his last. I agree, she needs to go but it's too risky right now. I don't want the extra stress of a law suite on top of all of this.
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Old 07-11-2013, 09:47 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: His words & actions don't match

What does he say about his feelings for her? I know that he denies 'those kinds of feelings,' but what exactly does he say his relationship is with her?

The business about not taking the family holiday trip with you and sneaking off with her is extremely damning.

I would insist on the poly. If you are at some point satisfied that he is sincere about reconciling, then she indeed has to go from the workplace. If you are divorcing him, then it doesn't matter, does it?
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Old 07-12-2013, 02:39 AM   #25 (permalink)
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I wouldn't put it past him to have sex. I asked him to take a poly and first he said he would. Later after I found out he was lying again, i asked him why he agreed to take a poly if he knew he was lying. He said I thought they would only ask if we had sex. So I asked him to take one again after that and when he said yes, I said good you go at 3pm tomorrow. He back peddled saying how can i trust this test....this is my life in his hands. Excuses excuses.
There's your answer.
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Old 07-12-2013, 07:36 AM   #26 (permalink)
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My husband has a gambling problem but I don't think she does. I'm bThe counselor emails me and tells me to basically let it go and stop putting the focus on the girl and focus on the real issue, gambling.
Ditch the counselor. If he can't see that this is the biggest threat to your marriage right now then he isn't worth the money.
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Old 07-12-2013, 12:12 PM   #27 (permalink)
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We're getting somewhere finally. I got him to admit that he asked her to go because that's who he wanted to spend time with at the time and that he enjoyed the time with her and enjoyed playing blackjack with her and that's why he did it 4 times. That he knew it was wrong. The last time they went was the last week in November and as far as I can tell that is correct. He said it all became to much for him and he started to back off. In December he was having chest pains a lot and high blood pressure. Late Dec. I took him to the ER for off the chart high blood pressure and chest pains and they diagnosed him with an anxiety attack and referred him for further testing. Which led to finding an enlarged heart and medicine for his bp. He says this was a turning point for him and he cut back communication with her and kept it business only. His phone records reflect that because it dropped down to just a few texts a day and no phone calls but it shows it picked up again a few months later for a few weeks and dies down again for a month. Starts back up and then I became aware of it and put a total stop to it.
Is it common for affairs to stop and start so much? I don't believe they went back to the casino again after the time in November because There is no paper trail. Such as cc charges or casino tax forms except for when I was there with him.
So I feel like I made some progress but theres still more I am missing.

Last edited by Flygirl; 07-12-2013 at 12:20 PM.
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Old 07-12-2013, 12:19 PM   #28 (permalink)
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We're getting somewhere finally. I got him to admit that he asked her to go because that's who he wanted to spend time with at the time and that he enjoyed the time with her and enjoyed playing blackjack with her and that's why he did it 4 times. That he knew it was wrong. The last time they went was the last week in November and as far as I can tell that is correct. He said it all became to much for him and he started to back off. In December he was having chest pains a lot and high blood pressure. Late Dec. I took him to the ER for off the chart high blood pressure and chest pains and they diagnosed him with an anxiety attack and referred him for further testing. Which led to finding an enlarged heart and medicine for his bp. He says this was a turning point for him and his only communication with her was business and he cut that back. His phone records reflect that but it shows it picked up again a few months later for a few weeks and dies down again for a month. Starts back up and then I became aware of it and put a total stop to it.
Is it common for affairs to stop and start so much? I don't believe they went back to the casino again after the time in November because There is no paper trail. Such as cc charges or casino tax forms except for when I was there with him.
So I feel like I made some progress but theres still more I am missing.
He sounds addicted to her. An addict will try to quit, but the urge always brings them back to the addiction.

It is my opinion that he told you this in an attempt at appeasing you. Obviously the behavior keeps ebbing and flowing.

I do want to say I have the utmost respect for the way you handled this and found out what you did. You are one smart cookie.
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Old 07-12-2013, 12:39 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Why in the world would you hire her back after he fired her?
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Old 07-12-2013, 12:51 PM   #30 (permalink)
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What does he say about his feelings for her? I know that he denies 'those kinds of feelings,' but what exactly does he say his relationship is with her?

The business about not taking the family holiday trip with you and sneaking off with her is extremely damning.

I would insist on the poly. If you are at some point satisfied that he is sincere about reconciling, then she indeed has to go from the workplace. If you are divorcing him, then it doesn't matter, does it?
Never really could get a straight answer from him when I asked him to define their relationship. First he said he saw her as one the guys but that didn't sit well with me. She's not a guy in any way, shape or form so don't even try that. I'd ask "well, is she your friend" and he'd say no, I wouldn't call her that. He'd say she's just an employee I asked to play blackjack because I didn't want to play alone and it's late at night. It's not like I can call someone at that hour. She was there so I asked her. Which is bs. Don't go at that time night then. Then it was she had good luck the first time so i thought she would be good luck again. I don't think he has feelings for her now at all. I think the fog had begun lifting even before I found out in late April. I think he still liked the attention in April though. I don't believe she ever had feelings for him. I think she got off on the power she had over him and liked the privileges of being close to the owner and sharing secrets. Most of all, she liked his money. My husband is very socially awkward. He has a hard time making small talk and he gets anxious. He doesn't have many friends because most people just want to take advantage of his position, power and money so he doesn't even bother. He doesn't let many people on the inside. When people ask what he does for a living he tells them he's a janitor. He's an introvert big time. It's hard for me to even imagine him asking the girl to go anywhere with him. He can talk all day long by text but face to face, he clams up...She told me he barely talked so she doesn't even know why he invited her.

And no, if I got a divorce I wouldn't care if the girl stays or not. She is 3 months pregnant now so I'm just waiting and hoping to god this baby looks nothing like my husband.
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