Should I cheat too?

mommy of Alyssa · 12-10-2009, 12:45 AM

My husband cheated on me one week before our wedding. I found out till after we were already married. Ow told me and when I confronted him he admitted to the A. Two weeks after that I found out I was pregnant (honeymoon baby). Now its 15 months after the A and I still dont trust him. I caught him going through the personal ads on Craigslist. I got in touch with my ex (who is also married)and he confessed he still has feelings for me. He knows my situation and wants us to meet up for lunch to talk. I am actually afraid it will lead to something else. I think I might have feelings for him too. He has not pressured me or anything. I just dont know if I have it in me to be a cheater. What do I do?

psychocandy · 12-10-2009, 04:24 AM

No. Dont do it. You'll be as bad as him then.

Either sort out your hubbie or divorce him.

DawnD · 12-10-2009, 07:19 AM

I don't want to come off as mean, but you said your ex is also married. Do you really want to put another woman what you just got put through???

Amplexor · 12-10-2009, 07:59 AM

Sounds to me like you are just trying to justify a fling with your X using your husband's mistake as an excuse.

Harvard · 12-10-2009, 08:05 AM

Don't be a homewrecker. If your ex is married he is just that, married.

If one day your ex decides to leave his wife then you can explore the possibilities with him. Secondly, marriage should not be tossed aside like meaningless junk mail. I would talk to your husband about concerns. The fact that you say you might have feelings for your ex could be smoke and mirrors under the circumstances.

Sven · 12-10-2009, 08:25 AM

This might even be an emotional affair with your ex. You need to stop contact with him and devote yourself to your marriage. Tell your husband about your thoughts.

Seek marriage counseling...it helps.

letitgo · 12-10-2009, 08:33 AM

please dont do it! I really dont think it will make you feel any better in the long run, probably worse. Plus what about your ex's family? That could ruin his life as well. Have a good sit down chat with him about your trust issues

mommy of Alyssa · 12-10-2009, 12:05 PM

[QUOTE=Sven;109515]This might even be an emotional affair with your ex.

What exactly is an emotional affair? I talk to him like everyother week and its only for a few minutes about work and small talk. Is that considered an emotional affair?

mommy of Alyssa · 12-10-2009, 12:14 PM

If one day your ex decides to leave his wife then you can explore the possibilities with him. Secondly, marriage should not be tossed aside like meaningless junk mail.

My ex is actually talking about divorcing his wife. They have been married for about a year and he says hes not happy at all. I dont believe in divorce myself and I think that marriage is very precious. But... my husband showed me that he doesnt think that way when he cheated on me one week before our wedding. Why am I going to give the marriage my all if Im the only one trying to make it the best?

AlexNY · 12-10-2009, 07:31 PM

In principle, this strategy can sometimes work out.

Your situation is pretty clear. No. For lots and lots of reasons. Too many other people would get hurt. Your marriage would be put in peril again. You have a child. This is too big a price to pay for an emotional healing that you can certainly accomplish on your own.

A "special" massage by a professional who knows how to do such things would be an option. They are legal in some European nations.

Good luck.

AlexNY · 12-10-2009, 07:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy of Alyssa

My ex is actually talking about divorcing his wife.

One more reason NOT to do what you are talking about. What a mess you will be in. And what a mess you will put your child through.

Please, listen to the voice of reason. You must regain your emotional stability through means that will not lead to even greater problems.

You do not want your life to begin spiralling into hell over this. Really.

cowboyfan · 12-11-2009, 09:56 AM

There seems to be a lot of activity that involves you and your husband seeking fulfillment from the wrong places, which (and I know this will sound harsh) makes me wonder why you're married? Marriage is a commitment, and a reasonable, caring partner in a healthy state of mind would never to this to his/her spouse. I'm no expert, but I'd seriously suggest some counseling to figure out what you and your husband have before exploring other options.

swedish · 12-11-2009, 11:04 AM

If you found out a week into marriage that he cheated before the marriage, you could have probably had it annulled back then but something made you stay.

If he has been a good husband since you married, you will need to decide whether you can forgive him for his behavior prior to your marriage and move forward...it is not fair to him to hold this grudge and will only hurt your marriage.

Running to the arms of someone else is adultry and will not solve anything and will make things much worse.

Sven · 12-11-2009, 11:27 AM

[QUOTE=mommy of Alyssa;109585]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sven

This might even be an emotional affair with your ex.

What exactly is an emotional affair? I talk to him like everyother week and its only for a few minutes about work and small talk. Is that considered an emotional affair?

Someone else would be better qualified to discuss an emotional affair. Honestly, I had never heard of it before coming to this forum. My experience is with a physical affair.

From what I've read, an emotional affair can be just as hurtful and damaging as a physical affair (I have a tough time making them 'equal'...). I think the solutions are the same. You must make NO CONTACT with your ex. This must be clear. You obviously want to go back to him - your marriage will not survive if you con yourself into thinking you two can 'just talk' from time to time.

Either commit yourself to your marriage, or get out.

HappyHer · 12-11-2009, 12:04 PM

Is that a becoming way for Alyssa's mommy to conduct herself?

What would you say to your daughter, that it's okay to be a cheater, to ruin another woman's marriage, to betray her daddy like that?

Yes, he betrayed you BEFORE MARRIAGE, while that really sucks, you now have this marriage and being a parent to deal with and cheating on that is not going to help you feel better about yourself or feel like you are living up to the type of mother that your little girl deserves to have.

If you can't forgive your husband and learn how to build trust in him, then you need to seriously consider ending the marriage. If you don't want to end the marriage, then put your commitment into overcoming this issue, without turning into a cheater yourself.