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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-12-2009, 05:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Cheating wife

Hi

I'm new here. I'm going through some tough times in my relationship. We started dating a long time ago (10 years) and married fairly young a few years back. We had both had some sexual experiences before but really we learned everything from each other. Everything was perfect until we realized we couldn't make up our minds as to where we want to live.

I wanted America, she wanted Europe as it was easier for her to get a job in her field. I was making very good money in America and supported her until she left for Europe. I told her I wouldn't follow her and things kind of started to get cold between us.

Then, a few months ago (after being apart for nigh on a year) I decided to come over to Europe. Quit my job, sold my stuff, came to join my wife. Unfortunately things did not work out as planned. She was cold, even colder than before and I got depressed. I fell into a deep depression, telling her I'm gonna snap out of it with a little support. Then I did it, with help from friends I made in Europe. I tried not to be pushy or needy so I just helped around the house, fixed stuff, even gave her money I'd saved for stuff that she needed. In the mean time she was working.

Then, a few weeks back I came home only to find her making out with a guy in his car. They drove off and she came in a few minutes later. I told her I'd seen her and confronted her about it. She was actually glad I'd found out, because she didn't know how to tell me about it - told me it's a guy from work, who she LOVES and who loves her, he had left his fiancee to be together with her, and that this thing had been going for a couple of weeks. She told me she hadn't slept with him yet, but was about to a couple of days later when she told me she was going to sleep over at a friend's house to watch some movies. She also told me she's not going to be monogamous anymore because she thinks it's boring.

I felt betrayed, but I tried not to flip out. And I didn't that night. I heard all her stuff telling me how good it is to be understood and loved. I couldn't sleep and in the morning I lost it. As soon as she woke up I started packing to move out, and asked for my belongings and part of my money back (she bought a car for herself and I paid the downpayment). She said that money's rightfully hers and that's when I really lost it, punched the tv and broke it and made a huge scene. I never hit her though, but I called the lover and confronted him, he was coc.ky and felt it was natural to have sexual intercourse with my wife. I decided that I'd rather not go to jail for killing them both so I let her leave the house, continued packing and left myself a bit later.

It's been a couple of weeks now. I'm living with friends and I still didn't talk to her at all. In the mean time I realized how much I love her and how she misinterpreted me giving her space for indifference. I want her back, I desperately want her back. I can forgive her and I want to mend our relationship.

Do you think this is even possible? What should I do, how should I act? I don't like acting needy, I can't act indifferent as indifference is what caused this entire thing in the first place, and playing the tough guy will probably only drive her away.

I really need some help guys. Thanks.
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Old 12-12-2009, 06:11 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating wife

Jason, I know how you feel. God is it hard to let go, but you really don't have any other choice. I realize that you still love her, but that doesn't amount to much unless she loves you in return. You can rationalize yourself until your old and grey, but you'll never figure out "why" this happened. Trust me. I would recommend instead that you do as best you can to "stop the bleeding" and move on with your life.

She's stolen your heart, abused your trust, and violated the covenant of your marriage, apparently without regret or remorse. Don't you deserve better? I think you do, but I'm sorry just the same. LIL
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Old 12-12-2009, 06:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating wife

Thanks for the quick reply LIL, it really means a lot to me.

When I'm thinking about it logically I realize you are right. There's probably no way I can ever get her back and I can't find a logical explanation as to why I would want the person back who caused so much pain to me. Feelings are however a wonderful thing - and can also be a terrible thing - they make you lose control and your conservation instinct. I sometimes still think that if I had acted right about a month ago everything could've been avoided. And I'm scared I'll think like this a month from now about these days.

She used to love me a lot, and I believe that if I somehow could touch her feelings she'd take me back. Then again, I thought I knew her real well and then this happened.

Maybe it's just her hormones. Or maybe I'm just lying to myself.
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Old 12-12-2009, 08:47 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating wife

I think you lost her when she moved away from you. It's clear that the marriage is not a priority for her.

You need to move on.

Also, she's lying to you. She's been cheating on you the whole time.
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Old 12-12-2009, 10:25 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Even if you did 'get her back' there is no such thing as a story ending there. Something else in life with bring incredible stress, challenge, disagreement. But later others might be involved, family, debt, so on.
Consier yourself lucky for having the opportunity to make a fresh start with only the emotional baggage - as painful as it is. And who knows, she just might end up on your doorstep in the future. But don't waste your life waiting. ONWARD.
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Old 12-13-2009, 04:55 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating wife

Ok guys, I see you're all telling me to move on - as do my friends. It's the most logical thing to do, and other than the car we have no debt, kids or property to quarrel over, so much is true. While this does make things way easier from a legal point of view, it doesn't change my feelings.


I just wonder if there's anyone on these forums who had their wife cheat and then reconciled, returning to a relationship that's been much stronger than before?
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Old 12-13-2009, 11:25 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Jason, I hear ya brotha...if only. I have a friend, and about three years ago he was running behind a bit on Christmas morning. He's a bit of a stress monkey, so everything had to be done, and done perfectly 15 minutes ago. Well, he was in a bind and needed some friggin tin foil. Not exactly a thousand shopping options Christmas morn.

Who do you call when your in trouble? No, not Ghostbusters, at least not on Christmas morning. He called his Dad. His Father said sure, he'd be "right over".

Well right over never came. What did come though was a police officer telling him he was sorry, and that his father had been involved in a serious MVA. (motor vehicle accident)

His Dad subsequently died later that evening. Do you know how many times my friend has cried out to me that he should have never placed that call? How many times he wished he wasn't such a perfectionist @ss? I finally took him aside and flat up told him, "you didn't kill your Dad, some friggin drunk did."

The thing is he knew that all along, but he still felt and still feels guilty. He feels culpable. The thing is he didn't kill his Dad, and nothing you did or failed to do Jason made your wife cheat.

In his case, some friggin drunk got into his Suburban at 9:30 in the morning. A distinct wrong choice was made by a third party with disasterous consequnces to many people, the vast majority of them innocent. In your case, pretty much the same thing, but you weren't killed. No, you get to live with the pain.

Forgive yourself. Forgive her (God that's the tough one), but do it anyway. Move on with your life. Scars don't heal as much as they just fade away. Give it some time. Then give it some more time. Take up a hobby. Get fit. Go back to school. Volunteer at a shelter, just don't sit idle and grow bitter and stagnant. LIL

Last edited by lastinline; 12-14-2009 at 06:37 AM.
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Old 12-13-2009, 02:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating wife

Thank you for the heads up LIL. I think I'll try to get fit although I'm not really out of shape. School's alright, but unless I'm going for a PhD I'm pretty much where I should be.

But I will still try to talk to her at the end of the week. You know they say that the last thing that dies in you is hope.

I'll keep you guys posted.
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Old 12-13-2009, 04:54 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating wife

I think it was basically over the minute she left for Europe. I don't mean to sound like I'm taking the piss here, but.... moving an entire continent away from you is a red flag.

Cut your losses, move on.
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Old 12-17-2009, 08:18 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi guys, it's me again. If you read the entire thread you probably realized I can't really let go of my wife right now. I'm trying however to keep a clear head and not act stupidly or look desperate.

I will have to talk to her and face the truth sooner or later, so I'm just asking you what you think would be best - should I talk to her before or after Christmas? If I talk to her before Christmas I will probably get a chance to tell her stuff and maybe confuse her feelings a bit before she spends the holidays with her new lover. If I talk to her after Christmas I will probably be even more calmer and clear in the head (perhaps also depressed though) but will have lost the opportunity to have a chat with her before she spends the holidays with him.

As we all know holidays are an interesting time of the year - some people forgive - and most people have a wonderful time. I know for sure she'll have a fantastic Christmas of white while I'll have a blue blue blue Christmas. Talking to her might not change anything but at least I would have tried.

What's your opinion on this?

Thanks.

J.
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Old 12-17-2009, 08:48 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating wife

Jason, you need to spend your Christmas with people that love you. I'm not sure where your family lives, but wherever that is, that's where you need to be.

As for "confusing your wife's feelings", you Sir are the one with the confused feelings. You need to step out a bit and shift your focus off your wife. You can't control her, and it will friggin drive you insane if you continue to obsess over her. She has made her choice, now go and make yours.

The good news Jason is that there are well over 6 billion people on this little blue planet of ours. I promise you that there are a lot of them that would "fit you" much better than your current wife. Coach says, "go get in the game." LIL
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Old 12-17-2009, 09:07 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by jason View Post
I just wonder if there's anyone on these forums who had their wife cheat and then reconciled, returning to a relationship that's been much stronger than before?
There are several posts where this has been the case, however I am not aware of any that reconciled in the midst of an affair. She has to willingly end it and agree to focus on your marriage in order for it to work, IMO.

I don't see anything wrong with talking to her if the plan is to share that upon your own reflection you now realize why things are the way they are and what you plan to do going forward. However, if you come off as begging and promising to change, it may have the opposite affect you are looking for.

One of the bigger issues you have is that she no longer wants to be monogomous and doesn't seem to care how you feel about that...be careful not to agree to a situation you do not want just to get her back into your life.
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Old 12-17-2009, 11:04 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Jason, here's the thing that I see, even if you did get her back the trust is broken, like others have said, it was over when she left, that nor the cheating can ever be changed.....it will always be there

now even if she comes crawling back to you and you make another go of it the issues will be ghosts

she essentially is dead to you, better to forgive her, and move on.....only time will heal these wounds

for you to ask if it could work and could it be stronger.?!? that is desparation talking.....I know you are in pain especially at this time of the year, I hope your release comes soon
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Old 12-17-2009, 12:12 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Jason-
I am so sorry you are going through this hurt and pain, especially around the holidays.

I think your marriage started falling apart long ago when you both decided that your own personal careers were more important than your marriage. She wouldn't stay for you and you wouldn't go with her. You both acted selfishly and proved to each other that they didn't matter as much as what each of you wanted. Unfortunately, I agree with Sven- this has probably been going on a lot longer than a couple weeks, since she has had a whole year to live as a single girl.

You are no different than many of us who have been cheated on- you feel hurt, betrayed, maybe even have feelings of insecurities, worthlessness and more. I know when I first found out about my husbands affair, I just wanted to fix things, I wanted everything to be right again. It's almost as if you feel so crushed by what happened that you want the person who cheated on you to validate that they still want you- so you try and fix things.

Even if a couple decides to work on the marriage, that isn't the end. Forgiveness doesn't just happen because she wants to be in a marriage with you. You will have lots of anger, hurt and lack of trust that you now have to work through in addition to trying to improve your relationship. You will find yourself questioning her actions and your own desire to stay. And this is with a couple where the cheater feels remorseful and is trying to fix the great wrong they did.

My biggest worry with your situation is that your wife doesn't seem to care. I think she did want to get caught. It sounds like she wants out of the marriage or at least wants the marriage on her terms (an open marriage). If she doesn't care that she hurt you and doesn't seem to have any remorse about what she did, then talking to her probably won't change her mind.

I think it's ok for you to tell her how you feel, let her know what you are willing to do, changes you are willing to make to improve your marriage, but also be clear about what YOU want from her. IDon't let her call all the shots and you just go along with it because you are so relieved that she agrees to be in your life- you will only resent her in the long run for it. If she agrees to try and work things out in the marriage, then she needs to be 100% DONE with the other guy, she needs to be 100% committed to improving your marriage and gaining your trust back. If she isn't, then things will only get worse and by then you may have children or larger debt that suddenly gets pulled into the mess.

Take care of yourself above all. I know it's hard, but find something that is good for you. Go be with family or friends during the holidays and enjoy it the best you can.
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Old 12-17-2009, 04:57 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jason View Post
Hi

I'm new here. I'm going through some tough times in my relationship. We started dating a long time ago (10 years) and married fairly young a few years back. We had both had some sexual experiences before but really we learned everything from each other. Everything was perfect until we realized we couldn't make up our minds as to where we want to live.

I wanted America, she wanted Europe as it was easier for her to get a job in her field. I was making very good money in America and supported her until she left for Europe. I told her I wouldn't follow her and things kind of started to get cold between us.

Then, a few months ago (after being apart for nigh on a year) I decided to come over to Europe. Quit my job, sold my stuff, came to join my wife. Unfortunately things did not work out as planned. She was cold, even colder than before and I got depressed. I fell into a deep depression, telling her I'm gonna snap out of it with a little support. Then I did it, with help from friends I made in Europe. I tried not to be pushy or needy so I just helped around the house, fixed stuff, even gave her money I'd saved for stuff that she needed. In the mean time she was working.

Then, a few weeks back I came home only to find her making out with a guy in his car. They drove off and she came in a few minutes later. I told her I'd seen her and confronted her about it. She was actually glad I'd found out, because she didn't know how to tell me about it - told me it's a guy from work, who she LOVES and who loves her, he had left his fiancee to be together with her, and that this thing had been going for a couple of weeks. She told me she hadn't slept with him yet, but was about to a couple of days later when she told me she was going to sleep over at a friend's house to watch some movies. She also told me she's not going to be monogamous anymore because she thinks it's boring.

I felt betrayed, but I tried not to flip out. And I didn't that night. I heard all her stuff telling me how good it is to be understood and loved. I couldn't sleep and in the morning I lost it. As soon as she woke up I started packing to move out, and asked for my belongings and part of my money back (she bought a car for herself and I paid the downpayment). She said that money's rightfully hers and that's when I really lost it, punched the tv and broke it and made a huge scene. I never hit her though, but I called the lover and confronted him, he was coc.ky and felt it was natural to have sexual intercourse with my wife. I decided that I'd rather not go to jail for killing them both so I let her leave the house, continued packing and left myself a bit later.

It's been a couple of weeks now. I'm living with friends and I still didn't talk to her at all. In the mean time I realized how much I love her and how she misinterpreted me giving her space for indifference. I want her back, I desperately want her back. I can forgive her and I want to mend our relationship.

Do you think this is even possible? What should I do, how should I act? I don't like acting needy, I can't act indifferent as indifference is what caused this entire thing in the first place, and playing the tough guy will probably only drive her away.

I really need some help guys. Thanks.
I know it is tough for now, and the advice so far on this thread is everything I could say and more so I won't waste time repeating.

Here is what I am seeing, you are sad and feeling you let yourself and your wife down, and in your mind you are thinking to reconcile is what you are defining as success.

That is understandable, but not necessarily the truth.

You say your giving your wife space was misinterpreted as indifference. Yes, this is most of the time what happens and despite what many good men are told a woman may or may not want it is instead many times the consequence. A woman will love and respect the jealous man a hundred times to the woman who will truly want some space!

So it is also that your woman has betrayed you, and worse, acted indifferent about the gravity of the situation. This is a great insult and speaks not only to the lack of love and respect she should be giving you, but also perhaps to some part of her character that is lacking. I would have much more to say on this, but in respect to you and your feelings for her I will say no more other than you do not deserve to endure this emotional torture.

But finally, and trust me I know it is nothing to read comments on a message forum to say one thing, and have in your heart of hearts to feel something very different and so strong as the anguish in your heart!

So this is the truth, regarding what you may or may not do in the time ahead with your wife, know this one thing. To either win her back or to make her burn mightily for the good man she has hurt it is important for you to never be begging or crying or pleading for mercy or in any way even give the slightest hint or appearance that you "need" her to be happy or successful.

I know this is very opposite of how you must feel, but understand that a woman, particularly a woman in the arms of another man, will never respond to appeals of mercy but will only respond to seeing her former man be even more successful and in control and looking to be even better off WITHOUT her, and for her to feel even if she was to try very hard to win you it would be practically impossible!!!

Whether you and she will reconcile will depend on many things, but it will NOT happen without this one thing!

For you to maintain this structure is to give you the dignity and respect to stand as a man during this time.

I am wishing you well.

Last edited by BigBadWolf; 12-17-2009 at 05:03 PM.
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