I don't love my husband the way I used to . . . - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-15-2009, 12:18 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 49
I don't love my husband the way I used to . . .

It's been 10 months since my husband came home and told me he had cheated on me. It was several months and lots of lies after that until he finally cut off contact with the OW.

I feel like the initial admission and discovery of cheating crushed me, beyond anything I had ever known. I cried for weeks. I begged my husband to actually talk to me, to try and work things out, etc. I found that I was able to forgive him for the actual cheating- maybe because he was honest with me about it.

But the lying about still being in contact with her. That still bothers me. It rocked the trust harder than the cheating. Because he was telling me one thing and doing another. I still find myself not trusting him, even though he hasn't given me any reason not to trust him lately. But I still don't.

What I hate most is that I feel like I don't love him the way I used to. I feel like I was so hurt that I put up this wall in my heart to protect myself. And it bothers me. What bothers me most is that I don't want to take it down, I don't want to open my heart up, just in case he hurts me again. It's that lack of trust. I don't want to trust him with my heart, because when I did that he crushed it.

Our marriage is doing well right now. He has been attentive, open, communicative, more helpful around the house, etc. Until this happened I felt like I was the more affectionate spouse. I was complimentary, affectionate, physical and more vocal about my love for him. Since all this has happened, I don't feel the same. I still tell him and show him that I love him, but I FEEL differently about him.

I hate that I wonder often if I made the right decision by staying. I wonder if and/or when he'll do it again. I wonder if he REALLY has the self-control to walk away if he's put in this type of situation again. I hate that he put so much doubt into my heart and mind that I feel I'm not giving everything to our marriage because I can't open myself up to loving him without remembering what he did when I loved him that way.

I'm not really looking for anything other than wondering if any of you who have been cheated on feel the same way and how you got past it?

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-15-2009, 12:07 PM
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 212
Re: I don't love my husband the way I used to . . .

My situation actually mirrors LuvMyH. I wasn't a good wife and wasn't in a good place prior to the A. So, sadly, like Luv I drove my H away and to someone else.

I don't love my H the way I used to prior to the A - thank goodness. I was physically & emotionally not there for him. I was 110% there for my kids but not my H. There were times I couldn't even say "I love you" back to him when he left in the mornings or at night because I housed so much built up anger & resentment.

We're in a good place but still working through alot. I still have moments when it's hard to trust him and to believe what he's telling me. But I know that ultimately this is what I want, our marriage, so I know that I have to overcome these feelings to get through.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-15-2009, 02:38 PM
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 27
Re: I don't love my husband the way I used to . . .

Iwillsurvive: your situation is exactly like mine. I confronted him almost 3 months ago but he was with her till 1.5 months ago but continued with numerous lies till the full confession a month ago. Mine is relatively new compared to yours and I still have this doubt in my mind, what if he goes back to her and hurt me again. She seems to have everything he wanted in a life-partner, his best friend whom he could talk about everything to, very business & street smart, young and beautiful that any man would be proud to have on his arm. So I ask, she's like his soul-mate, why is he choosing the hard road & go with me? But then, she lacks moral characters and a conscience, then I ask, how can he love such a low-life as her?

Anyhow, for the past month, he has changed 180 degrees from what he was before and yet, I still feel insecure, afraid that she could walk into his life any moment and off he goes again behind my back. He saw how devastating this A had affected me, and if she walks into his life again, I think he would have to think pretty long and hard if he wanted to risk everything before starting up with her again. I had told him that if such a thing happen again, I will walk out of his life and this marriage for good and he understands it.

Yesterday, I had a bad day and we had a huge fight over her again. I realized I can get over his A but I cannot get past his love for her and I told him so this morning. He maintained that he doesn't love her anymore yet 5 weeks ago, he had said he loved her. In my heart, I truly believe he still loves her because every time we fight, he always defended her, I feel that she's still up on that pedestal of his. Some of the things I attacked about her which was the truth and he flinched which I knew he knew the truth and yet, he still defended her. I have to wait for a few months time, to see if his love for her changes; if not, I think I might just have to walk out of this marriage.

For you, I think you just had a bad day and are questioning yourself, your insecurities. If you H has changed so much for the past few months and you are in a happy place in your marriage, try to stay happy. Like Stillinshock said, he's not the same person before the A and you're not the same person as before the A. You're protecting your heart till you're sure that he won't hurt you again.

HE HAS CHANGED FOR YOU, NOT FOR HER. HE CHOOSE TO STAY IN THE MARRIAGE FOR YOU, NOT FOR HER. You even said he finally realized what a scummy person she was, then she is not in his heart anymore, then you should not worry. If he has truly changed, he has learned that he had hurted you deeply that he was willing to rectify the situation by changing himself for the better, FOR YOU. If he didn't care enough, he would not have gone such changes. Actions speak louder than words and that has shown his remorse. So with you afraid he will fall for her if she walks into his life again: First off, he has realized her for what she was, and second off, if he has changed for the better, he has seen how it had affected you and it's not likely he will want to go through hurting you again. If you had it clear to him that if such a thing happen again, you would not put up with it and leave, then he will think over the consequences before doing anything.

Before, I asked my H if he had thought how this A of his would have affected me and he said no. I'm sure that had he forseen all this, it would have taken a D___A___ to still go through with the A. And I'm sure a lot of the cheaters had they forseen the consequences of their actions, they would not have done what they did.

For the past month, I was in such a bad place but am now trying to practice what LuvMyH just said, "I will try to keep my actions and attitude toward my H positive, and eventually, and hopefully, my heart will get back into it".
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-15-2009, 07:25 PM
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 322
Re: I don't love my husband the way I used to . . .

iwill: I'm right with you. I feel like I see my H through a very foggy window sometimes, and I don't want to clear the window - too afraid of the pain that will await. We too are in a good place - but he is definitely different to me now. He's not my first H anymore. He's my second H - I know more about him - and I'm a lot more...what's the word...less naive? Bummer to have to be that way.

I feel like he was part of me. Now he's not. He's the person I'm married to - and am happy with and have sex with and live with and all that. I miss him when he's gone. I am happy when he's with me. He's a much kinder nicer person than he was before. But, he's not inside me like he used to be. That is just lost. Maybe forever? Not sure.
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