Re: I don't love my husband the way I used to . . .
Iwillsurvive: your situation is exactly like mine. I confronted him almost 3 months ago but he was with her till 1.5 months ago but continued with numerous lies till the full confession a month ago. Mine is relatively new compared to yours and I still have this doubt in my mind, what if he goes back to her and hurt me again. She seems to have everything he wanted in a life-partner, his best friend whom he could talk about everything to, very business & street smart, young and beautiful that any man would be proud to have on his arm. So I ask, she's like his soul-mate, why is he choosing the hard road & go with me? But then, she lacks moral characters and a conscience, then I ask, how can he love such a low-life as her?
Anyhow, for the past month, he has changed 180 degrees from what he was before and yet, I still feel insecure, afraid that she could walk into his life any moment and off he goes again behind my back. He saw how devastating this A had affected me, and if she walks into his life again, I think he would have to think pretty long and hard if he wanted to risk everything before starting up with her again. I had told him that if such a thing happen again, I will walk out of his life and this marriage for good and he understands it.
Yesterday, I had a bad day and we had a huge fight over her again. I realized I can get over his A but I cannot get past his love for her and I told him so this morning. He maintained that he doesn't love her anymore yet 5 weeks ago, he had said he loved her. In my heart, I truly believe he still loves her because every time we fight, he always defended her, I feel that she's still up on that pedestal of his. Some of the things I attacked about her which was the truth and he flinched which I knew he knew the truth and yet, he still defended her. I have to wait for a few months time, to see if his love for her changes; if not, I think I might just have to walk out of this marriage.
For you, I think you just had a bad day and are questioning yourself, your insecurities. If you H has changed so much for the past few months and you are in a happy place in your marriage, try to stay happy. Like Stillinshock said, he's not the same person before the A and you're not the same person as before the A. You're protecting your heart till you're sure that he won't hurt you again.
HE HAS CHANGED FOR YOU, NOT FOR HER. HE CHOOSE TO STAY IN THE MARRIAGE FOR YOU, NOT FOR HER. You even said he finally realized what a scummy person she was, then she is not in his heart anymore, then you should not worry. If he has truly changed, he has learned that he had hurted you deeply that he was willing to rectify the situation by changing himself for the better, FOR YOU. If he didn't care enough, he would not have gone such changes. Actions speak louder than words and that has shown his remorse. So with you afraid he will fall for her if she walks into his life again: First off, he has realized her for what she was, and second off, if he has changed for the better, he has seen how it had affected you and it's not likely he will want to go through hurting you again. If you had it clear to him that if such a thing happen again, you would not put up with it and leave, then he will think over the consequences before doing anything.
Before, I asked my H if he had thought how this A of his would have affected me and he said no. I'm sure that had he forseen all this, it would have taken a D___A___ to still go through with the A. And I'm sure a lot of the cheaters had they forseen the consequences of their actions, they would not have done what they did.
For the past month, I was in such a bad place but am now trying to practice what LuvMyH just said, "I will try to keep my actions and attitude toward my H positive, and eventually, and hopefully, my heart will get back into it".