I cheated and feel horrible!
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-16-2013, 10:16 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I cheated and feel horrible!

My husband is the best person in the entire world. I cheated on him about 6 months ago. I confessed it to him because the guilt was eating at me inside. First, I tried to blame him because he cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship and was out of town a lot for work. However, he has since changed. I guess I figured that feeling guilty would be better than feeling hurt but it is actually worse. Everyday I look at myself in the mirror and really hate myself. I know it isn't healthy. We are going to couseling. We both agreed to let go of the past for our children and life we have created together. We have so much fun when we are both happy! I want to get back to that. I guess, I just want to know that I am doing the right things in order to fix my marriage. Any advice?
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Old 07-16-2013, 10:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated and feel horrible!

Stop making it all about you. And don't just 'let go of the past'. You guys have both cheated and unless you deal with that head on, your marriage won't survive. Not as a happy one anyway.

Read the newbie link in my signature for starters. And find a counselor who doesn't encourage rugsweeping.
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Old 07-16-2013, 10:24 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated and feel horrible!

First piece of advice is forgetting notions about "going back to that". It can't. What is done is done and there is no 'redo' button. So you build on what is left and create a new relationship with him.

The next piece is you really, really need to figure out your 'why' and fix it. By default, you are going to want to blame him or shift some of it over onto him. That's the marriage issues; totally normal issues too.... But it had nothing to do with that other relationship; Your husband can not influence whom you like or don't like or whom you sleep with or not. All you, your choice and you need to figure out your own why before you can even really help him.
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Old 07-16-2013, 10:28 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated and feel horrible!

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
Stop making it all about you. And don't just 'let go of the past'. You guys have both cheated and unless you deal with that head on, your marriage won't survive. Not as a happy one anyway.

Read the newbie link in my signature for starters. And find a counselor who doesn't encourage rugsweeping.
Thank you. I will read that.
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Old 07-16-2013, 10:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated and feel horrible!

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First piece of advice is forgetting notions about "going back to that". It can't. What is done is done and there is no 'redo' button. So you build on what is left and create a new relationship with him.

The next piece is you really, really need to figure out your 'why' and fix it. By default, you are going to want to blame him or shift some of it over onto him. That's the marriage issues; totally normal issues too.... But it had nothing to do with that other relationship; Your husband can not influence whom you like or don't like or whom you sleep with or not. All you, your choice and you need to figure out your own why before you can even really help him.
I would NEVER "go back to that." I suppose I do need to do a little more reflecting to figure out why. Thanks for the advice!
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Old 07-16-2013, 10:34 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated and feel horrible!

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Originally Posted by Drea83 View Post
My husband is the best person in the entire world. I cheated on him about 6 months ago. I confessed it to him because the guilt was eating at me inside. First, I tried to blame him because he cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship and was out of town a lot for work. However, he has since changed. I guess I figured that feeling guilty would be better than feeling hurt but it is actually worse. Everyday I look at myself in the mirror and really hate myself. I know it isn't healthy. We are going to couseling. We both agreed to let go of the past for our children and life we have created together. We have so much fun when we are both happy! I want to get back to that. I guess, I just want to know that I am doing the right things in order to fix my marriage. Any advice?
were you married when he cheated on you?


if not it don't count unless your vows ment nothing to you.
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Old 07-16-2013, 11:38 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated and feel horrible!

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were you married when he cheated on you?


if not it don't count unless your vows ment nothing to you.
I can't disagree with this more. Vows are a public declaration of your commitment to each other. It counts as soon as two people agree to be exclusively committed to each other.
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Old 07-16-2013, 11:53 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated and feel horrible!

If you had unprotected sex that you and your husband both need to be tested for STD's.
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Old 07-16-2013, 12:00 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated and feel horrible!

Realize that your marriage is changed forever. The trust that was there will never come back fully. It's a crappy thing to face but it is reality and the sooner you face it the more realistic version of a marriage going forward you will have.

Best of luck.
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Old 07-16-2013, 12:44 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated and feel horrible!

Thank you all for your replies. I wish I could write more to every single person, however, life stuff (such as kids, work, etc) keep me busy. I have realized a lot today and also that I need to face things more realistically. I am still in love with my husband and have 2 amazingly wonderful and amazing children. Also regular sex! Hehe... Although we both had protected sex, we did go through an STD screen and are both clean...thank god! My actions were childish but I am ready to do everything and anything possible for the man whom I married and miss everyday when we are apart.
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Old 07-16-2013, 12:44 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I can't disagree with this more. Vows are a public declaration of your commitment to each other. It counts as soon as two people agree to be exclusively committed to each other.
I agree with you!
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Old 07-16-2013, 01:00 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated and feel horrible!

As a betrayed husband in R, I would offer you this advice.

Own what you did.

You can be loving, kind, affectionate, sexual; all those things are great. But don't try to sweep this in the past. Discuss if he wants to, answer all his questions, and don't put a expiration date on your openness.

Don't be afraid to admit your moral failure to close friends and family. Don't let things left unsaid be the elephant in the room.
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Old 07-16-2013, 01:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated and feel horrible!

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As a betrayed husband in R, I would offer you this advice.

Own what you did.

You can be loving, kind, affectionate, sexual; all those things are great. But don't try to sweep this in the past. Discuss if he wants to, answer all his questions, and don't put a expiration date on your openness.

Don't be afraid to admit your moral failure to close friends and family. Don't let things left unsaid be the elephant in the room.
It was a total failure on my part. Trying to learn how to cope without falling a part. Thanks for the advice.
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Old 07-16-2013, 03:33 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated and feel horrible!

Im glad you hated yourself for what you did. Now find out how to love yourself again. The reason I say that is you not be able to love your husband fully until you can love yourself first. I read that somewhere. It could be bs, but it makes sense to me.
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Old 07-16-2013, 03:42 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated and feel horrible!

As a BS myself, if there's more affair activity than you've put here:

TELL HIM RIGHT NOW.

Trickle truth does as much damage as the affair. Don't do it. Biggest mistake all wayward spouses do.
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