need help figuring out what is going on

jessi · 12-18-2009, 02:36 PM

first a little background for those who don't know.
found out my husband had an affair 3 weeks ago, he says he has feelings for the other woman and doesn't know how he feels about me.(marriage was rocky but never dreamed he was capable of an affair)
he now says he needs a month to think things out and really figure out what and who he wants.
he is questioning things about the OW and if his feelings for her are real or just infatuation.
he has been married to me for 22 years, involved with the other woman for 5 months, he is 54 she is 10 years younger, he is a lawyer and she is one of the girls in his office, she is also married.
I think he is embarrassed about what has happened and I think he is now questioning a lot of his decisions.
I think he still wants to separate but he is not eager to move quickly, he says lets just see where we are at in a month.
what does that mean, he just told me yesterday he has feelings for the other woman. So I say to him you aren't in love with me, you have feelings for her, the facts. I say go find out where that leads you, I do still love him and have asked if there was a posibility for us to work on things, not even sure how I would forgive this. He says he doesn't know, any time we talk he crys the whole time. I don't know if he now has made promises to the other woman and feels like he would be letting her down. I'm not really sure what he is crying about, he hasn't told his family yet. I think he knows his family, our friends wouldn't understand how he could do this and give up his whole life for a woman he barely knows, she is the total opposite of me, i'm attractive and have always conducted myself in a respectful manner, I like to have fun and I have a lot of interests and have always been devoted to him and our family, we have spent a lot of time together as a family with lots of good memories.
she on the other hand, drinks a lot, is loud and has always spoken badly about her husband in public places, I've watched her myself, my husband found out she lied to him about not sleeping with her husband while she was having an affair with him and is a little pissed at her, was he really expecting her to be honest, i think she set her sights on my husband, like I say he is a successful man and I truly believe she manipulated him with sex. He told me they have never had lay down sex, sex only in the car....sounds romantic doesn't it, pisses me off when I think I might be getting dumped for a b*** job.
He is crying all the time, giving me what I want financially, it's almost like he feels bad for his behavior but won't actuall admit that. what do you guys think ......I'm actually starting to feel sorry for him

iwillsurvive · 12-18-2009, 03:10 PM

Ugh. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Just reading what you wrote brought back my own experience.

My husband cheated 10 months ago. He told me that he cheated. After a long weekend full of crying, yelling, etc. he told me he wanted to fix this and would cut off contact with her. The problem was- that didn't happen. He wasn't ready to cut her out of his life. He basically did what your husband is doing (the whole "let's see where we are in a month"), but didn't tell me about it.

When I found out he was still communicating with her multiple times A DAY I freaked out. I told him that I didn't want him to give up on us, but that if he couldn't be committed to me, our kids and our marriage that I was DONE. I told him I wasn't going to wait around for him to date her, have that fall apart and then have him come back wanting the life he had before now that he had his fun.

He ended up leaving the house for awhile. By leaving he realized she was using him. He also realized how much he had to lose. He came home committed to trying to work on our marriage.

We have had several ups and downs- one of them being that the OW randomly contacts him. And I know he still has a soft spot in his heart for her- she was his first love, his first sexual partner, high school girlfriend, blah, blah, blah. So every time she pops back into our lives, it's insecurity all over again wondering if he's really strong enough to ignore her calls, texts, e-mails, whatever.

I think if your husband wants to still see her- then he needs to leave. If he wants to stay- he needs to cut her off 100%. Sounds like where he really screwed up is that she works in his office- so it has the potential for her to scream sexual harassment if things don't go her way. If he needs a break to figure it out, let him know he can take it, but he needs to know that he can't have the wife at home, taking care of things at home, while he gets his jollies on wherever else.

People who cheat make me ill. It's such a selfish act that ultimately hurts people who don't deserve that kind of hurt.

stupidme · 12-19-2009, 08:27 AM

Iwillsurvive is completely right, he needs to figure out what he wants and hopefully see exactly what she is about so he can get over her. Otherwise, in his mind, he will always love her and there's no way you can live with that even though he stays in the marriage; then there will always the fear that she would walk in his life and he will do what he did before. He needs to get over her before you can truly heal yourself and work on your marriage.

Mine signed over his share of business over to her for nothing and yet he almost had a nervous breakdown over her, thinking about her, missing her, loving her, felt bad that she was missing him. I mean how blind can he be, especially when his 2 friends told him she was after his money all along and he refused to see it. It wasn't until last week he found out she COMPLETELY cleaned out her used to be rich second exH, that he realized she had used him the same way, for money, then he thought about it and finally got over her.

Funny how he loves her and yet the OW and us are totally opposites in moral personality wise in all our cases. What is missing in our marriage that he would go for the total opposites, trashy money digging OW? I guess he has to get that fog out of his vision regarding her before he can get over that love for her, then he realizes what he truly looses, wises up and comes begging back. Wishing you the best Jessi.

Atholk · 12-19-2009, 09:21 AM

Ok... I want you to buy His Needs, Her Needs it's probably the best book out there for this sort of thing.

I strongly suggest not letting him be alone for a month. If you let him alone for a month the OW is just going to move in on him. THIS HAS BEEN HER PLAN ALL ALONG. He's going to be in a hotel or simething trying to take time and sort his head out, and she'll just turn up half-drunk and semi-naked at his door. Trust me, she will find out where he is. While you are giving him space, she'll be calling and texting him. He'll probably just choose the woman who he has the most contact with.

I think you have to admit to him there are mistakes that you have both been making in the marriage (you said it was "rocky"), and that this is a problem that the two of you need to work on together. Yes he does make his own choices, but part of the reason he is cheating on you is your fault. You can't work on the marriage with you being cut out of his thought process, and him wandering off alone when a predatory woman is hunting for him.

Actually - seeing he's a lawyer - I assume you have enough money to buy two copies of that book

Suggest you do so, and read it together for a week and discuss it with each other. Then see where you are at, and maybe head to some marriage counseling. If a marriage counselor suggests that he should seperate for a month to figure stuff out, then I'd take that more seriously as an option. But for now, he'll just be hunted by the OW.

He does sound sorry though. And you sound forgiving. I think there is real hope for rebuilding things here.