How difficult was the transition for anyone who experienced this?? My situation isn't set in stone yet but I'm get stressed out on occassion thinking of this adjustment after being married for a few years and together with my spouse for over half a dozen. I think I'd be out of commission for at least six months before this crossed my mind....
Our therapist indicated that the standard recommendation in terms of trying to re-establish a healthy relationship is to wait a year. Work through your baggage, do some self-assessment, think about what you do, and do not want in your next partner.
You want to start dating because you feel ready to start dating, not because you need to start dating in hopes of ditching whatever pain or inadequacy you feel resulting from the dissolution of your marriage.
I originally scoffed at the idea of waiting a year. I became involved in a relatively brief relationship after separating. But soon realized that the mess of my marriage was far from over, and the conditions would undermine any chance that the relationship could grow and prosper.
There is no real time line. Just be honest with yourself about your reasons for seeking a new relationship.
You can start from casual friendship. Once you feel comfortable hanging out with people, you can start something serious than casual. It can be very difficult to start dating after so many years of being with someone. You can also start from online dating sites like promatching.com, pof.com where you can start chatting and then if you like them, you can mutually step forward.
Just take it easy in the beginning, without stressing too much about commitment and stuff.
Don't bother with "trying to date" and try and bridge to a "relationship" immediately. Just go out with women and socialize.
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I don't know about the year thing. I am not saying it should or should not be a year but in my case i started dating immediately--not because I wanted a relationship to replace my ex but because when i was with the new person I felt good and it was an emotional distraction. Is it fair to the people you are dating--hard to say. I think a lot of the answer to that depends on whether you have been truthful to the people you are dating. I don't provide a lot of details as to what happened. My standard line is "we did not address a lot of small problems over the years and let them become big problems. She wanted a divorce and although I wanted to work on it and stay married it became very clear to me very quickly that it takes two people who want to stay married for there to be any chance at all and since that wasn't the case I was the one who filed for divorce and go tthe divorce."
Some of them are scared to death of me as a recent divorcee and some are okay with me. I tell each of them that I am not looking for a wife, a new mom for my kids, I am established and just looking for nothing more than good company with no expectation of success or failure longer term. It was weird sleeping with someone different though after 18 years of being married.
As a recent divorcee myself, I find that as much as I miss companionship it is important to find yourself first then start getting out there and just meeting people with no intentions of dating. You must make sure your feeling for your ex are gone and wont carry into another relationship. I think that is why people are afraid of divorcees.
Sun, your position makes a lot of sense logically speaking. I am prety close to my parents and my mom specifically so it was a shock when she looked at me over Thanksgiving after patiently listening to little blurbs about this girl and that girl that I was seeing or planned to and said "If I were a woman that you were talking to I would turn and run like hell from you." Of course I hadn't been thinking about things from the woman's perspective--only my own. And then she said "you need to pay very close attention to what you are doing with women for the next year and specifically their feelings and go out of your way to avoid hurting anyone" so .....she is right. I now find myself dating a woman who had her guard up and I saw that as a total challenge and now after 2 mos of dating she is really into me and i am not sure that feeling is mutual. I like her a lot but I don't see any way this turns into a permanent thing so ....I now find myself wanting to date other women and although the one I am dating and I have not explicitly talked about exclusivity I know what her expectations are and it would really hurt her if I were dating others besides her. What to do what to do.
I think every situation is different and there isn't a cookie cutter approach to this topic. In my situation, my ex let me know she wanted a divorce. We lived together for 13 months thereafter. For part of this time I was trying to fix the marriage while she was making preparations to leave. Divorce wasn't something I wanted, but at some point I came to the reality that divorce was not avoidable. I began the healing process months before she finally moved out. In fact, she filed for divorce and we had almost everything worked out before the move. A few months later I began dating a wonderful woman. I'm sure there were some problematic feelings that I brought with me into the new relationship, but those have now passed too. I mention all of this because it is an example of how different situations can be.
This is just my observation. The people who believe their marriage is solid and then suddenly their spouse leaves/divorces tend to have a longer recovery period after separation. Those who have known for months or years that separation/divorce is coming start to heal even before the split and therefore the recovery time after separation is shorter. Again, this is just an observation and I know it is not applicable across the board.
As mentioned by others above, be honest with yourself. Figure out what you want from a relationship. Maybe even more importantly, figure out what you need in a relationship (5 Languages of Love!) and what you are willing to give to someone else.
I've found dating fun and refreshing. I have always enjoyed being in a relationship. I love companionship, intimacy, affection, etc. I guess my advice is: When you are ready, go for it. Don't get hung up on time frames. If you're ready in a few months, great. If it takes a year or more, that is fine also. I don't think it is something you should stress over (easier said than do, I know). I wouldn't set an arbitrary time frame. You mentioned waiting 6 months. That's not unreasonable, but there isn't really a way to know how you'll feel in 6 months. Again, its arbitrary.
I don't know your story, but I'm sorry you are at this point in your marriage. I rarely post here anymore, but those who know my story also know that I generally loath divorce. I wish you the best of luck.
How difficult was the transition for anyone who experienced this?? My situation isn't set in stone yet but I'm get stressed out on occassion thinking of this adjustment after being married for a few years and together with my spouse for over half a dozen. I think I'd be out of commission for at least six months before this crossed my mind....
I prescribed myself a mourning period and once it was up, I forced myself to date.
Here's the thing, IMO. .. the "mating game" is part of being human and I found "chasing women" (my office manager says it in a less flattering way what I am "chasing", lol) made me feel human again.
In a way, it's kind of easier the second time around. The rules are different, you have kids, there are many "logistical" concerns that werent there before but going through a divorce, well, that's the mother of all rejections. When a woman turns me down for a date, well, that ain't nothing. When I was younger, I had a harder time dealing with it.
Have fun, try not to talk about the divorce, enjoy the co. of the opposite sex and jump in and take the plunge.
Ditto Scannerguard. I LOVE going out with women these days. I have money to take them out, nobody has to play games, you can sleep together if you want--or not. You can look a woman in the eyes and say "I'm going to kiss you because....." and not have to worry about it. Dating was something I jumped into for self esteem but something I stay with because its just plain nice to have someone "into" you.
LOL. . . I forgot I had answered this thread awhile ago and it's good to see me journal my thoughts.
6 weeks after, I still feel the same way - mostly, although I feel a bit wiser.
Here's what I feel I have done right so far:
1. Go out with a date and successfully connected physically and emotionally with another woman. great for the reason i outlined and thanks for the validation.
What I feel I have done wrong:
1. I don't know. I maybe feel like, b/c my life is so screwed up with the divorce, that I kind of needed a "transition woman" who needs a "transition man." I am going out with a woman tommorrow night for a drink who I asked out 6 months ago who said no, we were casual co-workers but then turned around and asked me out. She's been thru a painful divorce too.
She said she would never settle down with a man like me - a man with young kids. I get it so I initially thought it wouldn't work at all.
But I bet she is up for a fling or friends with benefits. In fact, she pretty much said it. Perfect - we can "practice" dating on each other and practice for the right man and woman and be good exclusive friends - 1-3x/month for something casual and fun for an indefinite period of time.
I am in a relatiionship right now and will probably exit for this, even though she's a wonderful woman, the total marrying type. I am just not emotionally ready and wish I kind of realized that before.
Anyway, before a year, I would only recommend "DATING", no relationship. I should have been more firm with that but I was thinking I could balance it all, and I just can't.
Dating after Divorce
