I'm in my 40's and separated. This is a long-term separation and will eventually be a divorce. The hold up is some legal issues. I've gone to counseling for many months--it hasn't been easy. After being separated a year, my counselor and I decided it would be healthy for me to begin dating. Here's the problem...over the past couple of months, I've tried the on-line dating and a few bars. I've probably had five or six dates. The problem with men in this age group is that they are hunting sex only (at least out of the group I've gone out with) Those who listed themselves as "separated" say they will never divorce their wives. The ones listed as "widowed" or "divorced" say they aren't interested in ever getting married again. To me these are dead-end relationships from the beginning. My counselor says those two attitudes are getting to be the norm now. I want to build a loving relationship and eventually get married again. I find the dating scene rather disheartening, because I wasn't brought up that way. Is anyone else running into this problem?
I'm so sorry you are finding it so disheartening. I have a couple of suggestions. First, get involved in groups that share a common interest as a way of meeting people. Even if there are no available men, you will be doing something you enjoy AND all the people you meet have other people in their lives, too, and you might meet someone that way. Second, keep dating. You will be meeting interesting people (hopefully) and even if you aren't finding a new life partner, you are widening your circle of friends and acquaintances. To look at all men as "potential spouses" will greatly restrict the simple human fun and interaction you have. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to, and any man who tries to make you feel as if you 'owe' him something is someone you KNOW you don't want anything to do with. Don't give up on humankind because there are some jerks out there. You are not the only woman unwilling to jump into bed on a first (or 2nd, or third) date, and you will winnow out those men and perhaps find someone who just enjoys your company. I expect to be in your shoes soon enough and I plan to follow my own advice.
Sisters, thanks for the advice. I have tried the "joining groups" avenue. Unfortunately, that has me tied down a lot now and adds new problems. I've got to start saying "no" to some of that too.
I can see a widowed or divorced man changing his mind, if the right woman came along. Those don't bother me as much as the other group--those who say they will never leave their wives. There are a pile of them! They are just looking for a booty call.
After looking at things from this perspective, I can certainly see why there are so many post under the "coping with infidelity" section. It has really opened my eyes. However, I won't be the cause for another woman to go through that, nor will I be a victim again.
But you're right in many ways in what you are finding.
have you tried eharmony? Are you on facebook at all?
Are you working at all?
If I were you I would shoot for some male friends first, be flirty but don't go looking for a relationship.
When I met my wife she had a policy of dating a max of 2 months "dumping" the man, then I came along, she told me her "policy" and I was like, "cool, I am good with that, let's just hang out....that was 20 years ago. part of the attraction was the "looseness of it" I wasn't controlling, nor was she....it just kept building, we weren't looking for anything in particular, we just "meshed" well together, it was easy to be around each other.
If I were single, I wouldn't be looking in bars or certain online sites.
I think Eharmony is good, Facebook to hook up (not sex) old friends to hang out with, reunions, etc.
try meetup.com groups of people with similar interest in your group, such as books, hiking, wine tasting, etc.
Just going out with friends, maybe a cruise with the ladies, or something out of the ordinary.
But really the key is "not to look" for the next relationship, let it happen naturally.
I met my wife by, NOT trying to pick her up, just being a nice guy...it just kind of happened.
Hope this helps, don't dwell on the past, just move forward.
If I were you I would shoot for some male friends first, be flirty but don't go looking for a relationship.
This is what I've tried. I have used both eharmony and match.com. In the essays I've written for those sites, I have been very clear that I want friendship first. Common sense says that would be easy. You have many people on there with similar hobbies/interest; friendship should flow easily. But it doesn't. Oh, men with similar interest contact me, and they are listed as separated or divorced. Then as I get more information I find the ones listed as "separated" have no intention of leaving their wives. Then over half of those listing themselves as "divorced" really aren't. These men really need to put themselves on another type of dating site.
So, here's my question........Is it my marital status (separated) that's running off the descent men? I hope not, but I've been very honest as to what the hold up is.
Last edited by Country Girl; 04-20-2009 at 08:25 AM.
Hey country girl! Try to stay away from them aub's! Just kidding ya there, as you can tell I'm a bama fan. Anyway, my advice to ya is to stay out of the bar scene. Enjoy being single awhile, thats what I've done and I am happy. To answer your question, my thoughts are yes. Most men do not want any "drama" at the beginning of a relationship. And another man in your life is percieved to be trouble that most men don't want to deal with, some may view your stbx as competition. I hope I answered you in a way that doesn't sound mean, but that is how I kinda see your situation.
__________________
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her"
There is another site you may want to try, Plenty of Fish. It is free and pretty easy to use.
I was married for twenty years and am just now starting to figure out this dating life. You say all the men are looking for sex but I have to tell you the women my age (40/50) are a little scary for me. Maybe it's not so much gender as it is age. I find the women are all fed up with the married/mommy life and are looking for every day to be some big blow your boots off activity, way to much work for me. I am 48 and look 48, I was messaging a 41 year old and when I gave her my home e-mail she sent me pictures of herself without a top! I was shocked! Is this what it's like now? Is everything about sex? I am like you, looking for something real, actions without substance have no appeal to me. But like I said I think it is more age related than gender specific. Mid life stuff maybe?
Hey country girl! Try to stay away from them aub's! Just kidding ya there, as you can tell I'm a bama fan. Anyway, my advice to ya is to stay out of the bar scene. Enjoy being single awhile, thats what I've done and I am happy. To answer your question, my thoughts are yes. Most men do not want any "drama" at the beginning of a relationship. And another man in your life is percieved to be trouble that most men don't want to deal with, some may view your stbx as competition. I hope I answered you in a way that doesn't sound mean, but that is how I kinda see your situation.
Hi Sirch! Guess what?! I am an Aub girl and proud of it----WAR EAGLE!!!!! Sorry I couldn't pass up the opportunity. Thanks for the advice though. I do think my separated status does contribute to my problem. After all we are in the South........
As for enjoying the single life.....I'm rather tired of it. Before the official separation, I spent two years ALONE. That's now a total of three years! I'm ready to have someone in my life or at least find some descent men to hang out with from time to time.
don't use Match.com that is a booty call site...stick with eharmony.
being seoerated is fine. But I would be more inclined to go out with guys friends recommend.
Thanks for the advice. Glad to see at least one guy doesn't see a problem with the "separated" status. So far no friends have recommended any guys---all the guys they know are happily married. I live in a very rural area and things are a little different here.
Now, my question to you....How would a happily married man such as yourself know so much about the dating sites?
There is another site you may want to try, Plenty of Fish. It is free and pretty easy to use.
I was married for twenty years and am just now starting to figure out this dating life. You say all the men are looking for sex but I have to tell you the women my age (40/50) are a little scary for me. Maybe it's not so much gender as it is age. I find the women are all fed up with the married/mommy life and are looking for every day to be some big blow your boots off activity, way to much work for me. I am 48 and look 48, I was messaging a 41 year old and when I gave her my home e-mail she sent me pictures of herself without a top! I was shocked! Is this what it's like now? Is everything about sex? I am like you, looking for something real, actions without substance have no appeal to me. But like I said I think it is more age related than gender specific. Mid life stuff maybe?
All I can say is good luck to both of us.
Cooper
Hi Cooper! You are a ray of sunshine! You restored my faith! Perhaps the problem is a mid-life problem being reflected in both genders. Whatever it is, I'm not impressed either. I've had guys e-mail pictures of their private parts. One even offered to put on a show via web cam. Oh, so not what I'm looking for!!
I tried Plenty of Fish for two months. It was awful. Maybe I am too picky after what I went through for three years. Or perhaps it is the area in which I live. I only received three responses from that site and it was plenty for me. All three had two things in common--no class or education. I had to say "no thank you" as politely as possible. Didn't even let those get any farther....... Maybe which dating site to use depends on the area
Cooper, maybe our searches will improve. Good luck to you too!
Hey Country girl, I know them well becuase my Best friend is a "booty call master" on Match.com he tells me about his conquests....Divorced women with kids that are just itching for a 1 nighter. He has met many, he is a life long bachelor.
So I hear his stories and i hear from other people, I have several good female friends that are divorced.
But basically I would say keep your eyes and ears open and don't try to hard. Be Flirty with evry guy that you deem "decent looking" Check the left hand for a ring or Ring marks.
Sorry that your a Auburn fan, maybe that's the issue
I should probably clarify something else. This could be useful to others. I did sign up for eharmony. The application took twenty to thirty minutes to complete. I was very honest in answering all questions--including the one on marital status. Well, because I put "separated" they put my application on hold. I really can't participate on that site until I get a divorce and call them with specifics. That's probably why it is a better site for hunting a meaningful relationship. It keeps people like me off of it. lol
Hey countrygirl, thing only advice I can give is to just be yourself and do not try to hard. When the right fella comes along you'll know it, so be patient. Good luck with the new coach and roll tide!
__________________
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her"
Confused
Thanks for the advice though. I do think my separated status does contribute to my problem. After all we are in the South........
