Ok, first off let me say I know I did this to myself and I deserve any criticism I get here. Having said that, here is my situation.
I started dating this really wonderful guy and we have hit it off really well. We seem to be a match at almost everything. Talk has started to get a little serious, not for now but in the future, and as time has gone by I have had my concerns. I really like this guy and don't want to hurt him in any way.
Anyway, I thought I would give myself a little test to see if I was as into him as I thought I was (stupid, I know). I met up with an old friend that I have a history with to see if I could handle being around him without "being affected" and just spend casual friendly time with him. Figured if there was one person that would be a true test it would be him. Nothing happened between us but it quickly stirred up feelings that I thought I was over and done with. Now I'm wondering if I'm not as into the current guy as I thought, after all if I was wouldn't I have had less feelings for the friend?
Now I'm not sure what to do. Do I back off with the current relationship till I am more sure? Do I just avoid the other guy knowing he appears to be my one weakness?
I feel like such an idiot for doing this now! Never thought for a minute that it would turn out this way!
Anyone with any thoughts or advice would be appriciated, and yes I fully expect to be repremanded by some people as well.
Well, if you hold back a little piece of yourself to stop yourself getting hurt, then you won't feel the full depth of the rapport. However, most of what people feel is an illusion anyway.
On a long term basis, what people need is to be able to get along and work things out when they hit a snag. If you want it to last more than 2-5 years, that's the sort of question you need to ask yourself.
With your last guy, the working relationship was not good, so there was no deal and little practical negotiation. Is this guy any better for you?
I am interested in your get together. No matter how much you like the new boyfriend, do you really think this affects how you feel about the ex? If you back off because you have certain feelings for people.... be prepared for a LONG alone time. It's not that your feelings or likes of other people change when you are in a relationship, but hopefully your actions on those feelings might be different!!! Jeez there are some people that I think are great (and arousing) and I hope I feel the same about them when I'm in a relationship!!
I also agree with Mr Twain. You can avoid getting hurt but not going the distance to be open, but then you can never have the relationship you might want to. I always say... you for sure won't get hit by a car if you never cross the street, but then you might be stuck in that spot for a while.
Yes, I think the new guy is better for me. We are able to talk through and work towards resolving things quite well. He does not try to shut me down or avoid things as I have experienced in the past.
The problem is as our relationship progresses I am seeing changes in him that he contributes to his desire to be with me. I see them as things I wish he wouldn't change because they are things that attracted me to him in the first place. We have talked about these things and are working towards comprimise but I guess it has left me feeling a bit unsure.
I also feel bad for bringing up the issues because I seem to be the only one with them. He still tells me I am everything he has ever wanted and that to him I am that perfect person he hasbeen searching for all along.
The problem is as our relationship progresses I am seeing changes in him that he contributes to his desire to be with me. I see them as things I wish he wouldn't change because they are things that attracted me to him in the first place.
I imagine the last woman he was with attacked him for manifesting those qualities, and he feels timid about displaying his true self to you in case he gets shot down. He is the walking wounded in this way. Perhaps you can help him rebuild his confidence with lots of reassurance.
I know such lack of confidence is not sexy, but everyone has their story to tell - as do you! Our story is not the real "us" anyway. We would be magnificent creatures every one of us, if it weren't for all our shabby conditioning and scars.
Try to feel the real "you" and the real "him". And above all have fun
Try to feel the real "you" and the real "him". And above all have fun
MT
Sound advice as usual. We sat down and talked about things and how we both have been feeling and came to the realization that all of the changes started when we began to focus on our insecurities instead of how much we enjoy each others company. We have made the effort to change our focus back to where it was when we first got together and IT WORKS!!! I can see and feel the difference it has made for both of us. I guess you really can think something to death. True mind over matter.
Great....now what?!
Re: Great....now what?!
