After the loss of her son.... - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-06-2013, 10:31 AM Thread Starter
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After the loss of her son....

Hello all,

I normally don't post to forums of any kind, but today it seems like the right thing to do, if for no other reason to get it off my chest.

Almost 3 years ago my wife(girlfriend at the time) lost her 15 year old son and his best friend to a car accident. While I had become very close to him, I know that the pain that I feel is nothing compared to what she is going through.

I have been there for her as much as she needed (more than she needed if you ask her) and do as much as I can to try to put some happiness back into her life even now.

The problem is there is no intimacy in our marriage. We have been married for 1.5 years and haven't made love in since the accident.
Let me say that I love her with all that I have and have never strayed.
She told me the other day that the only reason that she has been able to survive everything is because of me. She was crying and said that she thinks that she is a terrible wife and she is sorry, but she is always sad.
What I want more than anything is to see her happy and for there to be some intimacy back in our lives. My confidence has taken a major hit. I try to hold her and kiss her, but I don't get anything in return.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to help her become as whole as she can be and bring more happiness back to our lives.

Thanks

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-06-2013, 10:43 AM
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Re: After the loss of her son....

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Originally Posted by cowerdown View Post
Hello all,

I normally don't post to forums of any kind, but today it seems like the right thing to do, if for no other reason to get it off my chest.

Almost 3 years ago my wife(girlfriend at the time) lost her 15 year old son and his best friend to a car accident. While I had become very close to him, I know that the pain that I feel is nothing compared to what she is going through.

I have been there for her as much as she needed (more than she needed if you ask her) and do as much as I can to try to put some happiness back into her life even now.

The problem is there is no intimacy in our marriage. We have been married for 1.5 years and haven't made love in since the accident.
Let me say that I love her with all that I have and have never strayed.
She told me the other day that the only reason that she has been able to survive everything is because of me. She was crying and said that she thinks that she is a terrible wife and she is sorry, but she is always sad.
What I want more than anything is to see her happy and for there to be some intimacy back in our lives. My confidence has taken a major hit. I try to hold her and kiss her, but I don't get anything in return.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to help her become as whole as she can be and bring more happiness back to our lives.

Thanks
She needs to be able to compartmentalize her feelings. This is easier said than done of course. I highly recommend therapy for her. Also for yourself. I know you may not feel you need it but there are things you can express that are selfish but legitimate that you will not pressure her with right now. You need to take care of yourself as much as her. Your strength is needed by her and the more this goes on the weaker you will become.
I am so sorry for your loss.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-06-2013, 10:44 AM
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Re: After the loss of her son....

She really needs to get herself to an individual counselor, one who is good at dealing with grief. She is likely depressed. One thing that you should be careful is that most anti-depressants suppress the ability to feel and suppress libido. Make sure that the counselor is cognizant of this. One common way to deal with this is to combine Wellbutrin with another SSRI since Wellbutrin has some anti-depressant effects plus boosts libido.

It is good that she realized that she's not meeting your need. I do not think you should threaten anything about leaving as long as she's willing to get help. Doing so would only make things worse for you.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-06-2013, 11:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: After the loss of her son....

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She really needs to get herself to an individual counselor, one who is good at dealing with grief. She is likely depressed. One thing that you should be careful is that most anti-depressants suppress the ability to feel and suppress libido. Make sure that the counselor is cognizant of this. One common way to deal with this is to combine Wellbutrin with another SSRI since Wellbutrin has some anti-depressant effects plus boosts libido.

It is good that she realized that she's not meeting your need. I do not think you should threaten anything about leaving as long as she's willing to get help. Doing so would only make things worse for you.
I have talked to her about counseling but she doesn't think that would help. She thinks that it would start the grieving process all over again.

I have never once thought about leaving or threatening to leave. I love her too much and swore to myself that whatever happened, I would be beside her forever.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-06-2013, 11:18 AM
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Re: After the loss of her son....

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Originally Posted by cowerdown View Post
I have talked to her about counseling but she doesn't think that would help. She thinks that it would start the grieving process all over again.

I have never once thought about leaving or threatening to leave. I love her too much and swore to myself that whatever happened, I would be beside her forever.
She is grieving in an unhealthy way now and it is affecting the intimacy in your marriage. She needs a counselor to help her grieve in a healthy way. This will not go away, it will only get worse. Ask her to go to marriage counseling then. Tell her the lack of intimacy needs to be talked about in a healthy environment. You do not want to hurt her and you know she does not want to hurt you. Unfortunately you are/will be hurting one another if help is not received. You already mentioned the hit to your ego. I know you love her so get help for you first if need be and let her see that it works. Also your counselor will give you some approach ideas to get her into counseling as well..
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 11-02-2013, 04:00 AM
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Re: After the loss of her son....

Its great's that you are so concerned about her. I think you should look for Counselor that will help her to survive the grief loss. I think you should go for couples therapy as well that will be very beneficial for both of you.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 11-03-2013, 04:50 AM
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Re: After the loss of her son....

Unfortunately I do understand your wife since I am grieving at this point too and intimacy is the last thing on my mind... She basically feels like she shouldn't have any fun/enjoyment in her life... It's a rough spot to be in and get out of....please keep in mind that this is something you shouldn't take personal, she is fighting now for the very basic thing - will to stay alive and find little enjoyment in her life one step at a time... I personally hate when someone says we should go to doctor for this... we are trying to learn to live with the pain and eventually we will find a way it just takes a long time after loosing someone that meant world to you.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-26-2015, 05:18 PM
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Re: After the loss of her son....

She need IC man =S
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-30-2015, 10:19 PM
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Re: After the loss of her son....

I recently lost my mom. Two months ago. I can't imagine losing my child though. I think part of your wife's problem is she is punishing her self. As I start to feel a tad better with time I feel guilty. I feel bad I don't cry as much as I did. I feel like she's watching me and wondering how I'm getting better. I feel guilty and with draw. Your wife has been doing that since she accident. I think that's her coping mechanism. She is punishing her self by thinking she doesn't deserve love and happiness of husband. But she doesn't realize her son would want her to enjoy life. He wants to see her happy and living life. She needs therapy. Keep doing everything you have been. Your a great husband. I'm so sorry you guys went through every parents night mare
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