All That's Left is the Horror..... - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-16-2013, 03:48 PM Thread Starter
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All That's Left is the Horror.....

.....of what happened.

My ex-wife and best friend, died of colon cancer on July 28, 2013.

I was doing fairly well after her passing, cleansing the house of all her belongings, starting to almost forget, at least for the moment, the images that will surely haunt me the rest of my days. Then her sister sent me some photographs of her taken in her final days, with family and friends, and all the horror of those days has returned, so fresh once again in my mind.

Why would anyone take photographs of a terminal cancer patient? In my mind, it is the height of inhumanity and exploitation. Would YOU summon ME to take photographs of you as you lie on your death-bed? I didn't think so.

Her sister says the photos show her surrounded by love in her final days. Makes me wonder where this person was the other 58 years of my friend's life. I know for one, I was there, to hold her hand and wrap my arms around her (not too tightly) as she was consumed by the cancer. To help her stand when she could no longer stand on her own.

And now all I have left is the horror of her final days. Of my beloved friend ashen and gaunt, eyes sunken and dark.

The grief threatens to consume me.

Shockwave

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-17-2013, 09:18 PM
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Re: All That's Left is the Horror.....

I am sorry for your loss. I know how much it can hurt and shake your core until you lose ground. I have buried a child and my best friend (grandmother). I can say the pain does get easier but it showes up. It is important to have a good support system. I had good friends because my husband didn't know how to be there for me.

Hang in there.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-20-2013, 08:36 PM
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Re: All That's Left is the Horror.....

I'm so sorry.

I just could not read your post without responding.

I admire you.

Her life and passing are an investment in your humanity that has changed you forever.

When your hope returns there will only be a few like you on the planet, you will walk with pain and joy like few can understand.

Take care, and please accept my sympathies.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-21-2013, 12:42 PM
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Re: All That's Left is the Horror.....

I'm so sorry for your pain. To watch and be a caregiver for a terminally ill loved one is both a gift and a curse. It's been two years since my brother died and the horror has lost it's edge and power.

What you went through was very traumatic and not something that will easily go away. You won't just forget it happened, nor how you felt while it was happening.

When you saw those pictures it conjured the horror, but maybe one day they will be a gift to you. Maybe like her sister you will see her surrounded by love, and that is the gift.

I wish you peace. You did a heroic thing caring for your ex wife!
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 02:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: All That's Left is the Horror.....

I guess I've come to the conclusion that ingesting large amounts of left-over narcotics, blended with large amounts of alcohol, is "probably not the way to go" to recover from all of this.

I'm actually mildly astounded I'm still ALIVE.

Shockwave
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-09-2013, 03:41 PM
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Re: All That's Left is the Horror.....

It is very hard, and you will have moments that sneak up on you for a long time. My mother died of Alzheimer's this April and my brother was murdered in 2011. Between those two events, I can find myself crying very quickly. But I also talk to both of them a lot now. I feel comfort that they are together. Those are my beliefs, although these experiences have shaken my faith quite a bit and it has not recovered. One day I hope it will. In the meantime, one foot in front of the other and cry as needed.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-09-2013, 04:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: All That's Left is the Horror.....

Every day, at around 4:00PM, I suffer this unspeakable sense of loss and debilitating sorrow. During the week, that's usually the time I would go to visit her in hospice (after work). Some days she would be OK, and wish to go for a ride in the truck, out in the country, and maybe for an ice cream. On the bad days, she wouldn't even be aware I had visited.

It's been around 40 days now, but the pain is just as fresh as it was the day she died. At times I think "I wish I was dead", but I know that's just me, being overly dramatic. I don't really wish to be dead.

I wish for her to be alive, and for us to be happy, like we were when we first got married. It was just me and her and our dog, and our happy, sunny home on the shores of Lake Michigan.

But now she is gone.

I am so alone.

Shockwave
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-19-2013, 11:46 AM
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Re: All That's Left is the Horror.....

When going through a divorce or separation theres usually a reason why the two people are separating and the pain of losing the person you once loved makes it a little more tolerable. But to lose your s/o through death is a pain that Im sure cant be put into words. Saying things like "she's resting now" or "she's in a better place" helps little as there is nothing that can take the pain that only you can feel away. I only wish there was more I could say or do to ease your pain Shockwave, I really do
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-20-2013, 11:13 PM
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Re: All That's Left is the Horror.....

My good friend told me about grief, "It never hurts less, just less often" That is so true.. The first year is the worst..

My mom died of cancer 5 years ago.. My best friend too.. I feel alone too.. She was probably the only person who "got" me.. Who knew the real me..

And the picture thing? I get that.. my brother in law took pics after my mom died and my sis and I were just APPALLED. We said.. delete that.. We don't want that.. She died of liver failure from bile duct cancer.. She didn't look like herself..

But then, my mom's one friend said, i'm going to take pics at the funeral and send them to you, and we were O.O WHAT?!?! NO!! We do NOT want pics from her funeral!?!? are you crazy?!?! And she said, but don't you want a remembrance of all the people that were there and loved her? NO. We are well aware.. So.. I think people have different views (by the way, I hope that story made you chuckle.. even now, it makes me laugh, b/c seriously? pictures of a funeral? but my friend told me when her aunt died, they found a whole SCRAPBOOK of funerals.. creeeepyyy)

But, on the other note, my sister didn't want to include any pics of my newborn and my mom in the wake pictures, b/c "she looks like she's going to die" Well, my mom died when my daughter was 2 weeks old, so yes, of course she looked like she was going to die, b/c.. um.. SHE WAS!! But, I said, this is the only picture my youngest will have of herself with her Oma, and IT'S GOING IN.. So, I guess it's all relative.. My sister didn't want a pic of my mom looking sick.. I wanted a pic of my mom with her newborn granddaughter, and it meant something to me..

It's all relative...
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-28-2013, 12:22 AM
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Re: All That's Left is the Horror.....

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Originally Posted by ShockwaveRider View Post
.....of what happened.

My ex-wife and best friend, died of colon cancer on July 28, 2013.

I was doing fairly well after her passing, cleansing the house of all her belongings, starting to almost forget, at least for the moment, the images that will surely haunt me the rest of my days. Then her sister sent me some photographs of her taken in her final days, with family and friends, and all the horror of those days has returned, so fresh once again in my mind.

Why would anyone take photographs of a terminal cancer patient? In my mind, it is the height of inhumanity and exploitation. Would YOU summon ME to take photographs of you as you lie on your death-bed? I didn't think so.

Her sister says the photos show her surrounded by love in her final days. Makes me wonder where this person was the other 58 years of my friend's life. I know for one, I was there, to hold her hand and wrap my arms around her (not too tightly) as she was consumed by the cancer. To help her stand when she could no longer stand on her own.

And now all I have left is the horror of her final days. Of my beloved friend ashen and gaunt, eyes sunken and dark.

The grief threatens to consume me.

Shockwave
Sorry about your loss. And a few years ago I lost my mom to brain cancer and some of my sisters took photos of her in her final months where she looked TERRIBLE, and they passed them around on Facebook a few weeks after she died and I couldn't even look at them(she only weighed 72 lbs and had no hair at the time of her death).

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 10-21-2013, 07:37 AM
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Re: All That's Left is the Horror.....

My dad died of Cancer last year. We took pics of him with us, sometimes he asked us too and sometimes we just wanted to. We don't look at them, it's still too difficult, but we are glad we have them.

We certainly wouldn't show them on FB...my God, they're private, family photos.
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