Do widowers stop loving their first? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #16 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-21-2014, 08:37 AM
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Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?

I do not think that you "stop loving" a spouse just because they die.

That does not mean that you cannot find another and love again.

Just as the arrival of your second (or subsequent) child does not mean that you love your first born any less.

N.B. my father is a widower in his 70’s and he has a wonderful “lady friend” I hope that relationship can bloom into love as they both deserve it.


Whilst my wife is my greatest love my children are my greatest joy.
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post #17 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-24-2014, 11:44 AM
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Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?

Thank goodness I have not experienced this but I cannot imagine that one would stop loving a spouse after they've died.

What I ALSO cannot imagine is being able to remarry. Obviously loads of people do it, but I just can't understand how it feels okay to do that. I feel that if my husband were to die, I am still married to him, since we never got divorced, so why would I want to marry someone else? (Incidentally in our marriage vows there was no "til death do us part" clause.)
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post #18 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-24-2014, 08:59 PM
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Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?

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Originally Posted by it is what it is View Post
.

I agree with the above.

My MIL died one month before my in-laws 50th anniversary, sudden death, not expected. My FIL was remarried in exactly one year to a mutual friend of theirs whose husband died 1-2 years prior. They fell in a "new" love for each other and have been married for 10+ years now(ages 82 and 84 now), I was jealous of their teenage-like relationship, kissing, hugging, holding hands in public, etc. They have been the best thing ever for each other, and my FIL's new wife happens to be the exact opposite of my MIL. They have kept each other young at heart and still travel driving/flying themselves all over the country, they are in Alaska on a cruise right now. So happy for both of them.

Everyone handles it differently, you can dwell on it or look at is as a new lease on life depending on the situation and person, I guess.
In this case I think the first marriage and the second marriage are both happy ones. One never forgets the first spouse, still may love their beloved, but the new marriage is a completely different love. Equal but different If one can fall in love a second time they are very blessed
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post #19 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-24-2014, 09:06 PM
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Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?

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Thank goodness I have not experienced this but I cannot imagine that one would stop loving a spouse after they've died.

What I ALSO cannot imagine is being able to remarry. Obviously loads of people do it, but I just can't understand how it feels okay to do that. I feel that if my husband were to die, I am still married to him, since we never got divorced, so why would I want to marry someone else? (Incidentally in our marriage vows there was no "til death do us part" clause.)
Just curious...why was that omitted? Legally when a spouse dies you can't be married to a deceased person.

I agree with you, I could never fathom meeting and marrying another my heart would bleed for my DH. On that note both DH and I have given each other a blessing in the event that we do die the other is free to remarry without any guilt. My Dh is such a wonderful man I would want him to feel companionship and comfort from a loving woman again. I wouldn't want him to go through the rest of his life lonely and thinking of me....I would be dead. It's a very special gift of peace we gave to each other year's ago. It was very tough to talk about but drew us closer.
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post #20 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-25-2014, 02:26 AM
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Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?

Did any of you read about the man who was getting remarried after the death of his first wife and apparently, the deceased wife had already arranged in her will for like a huge vacation for whole family? She wanted to give her blessing to the woman who would be the kids' new mom. I thought that was cool.

I have an incurable bone marrow cancer...multiple myeloma...and I have been thinking about this very subject. What I have is high risk version of it, going in a week to my first bone marrow/stem cell transplant (freezing my stem cells, then high dose chemo, then ingraft of cells back in me) procedure which will be hell but doable, yet follow up stem cell transplant (which will be donor cells this time) has a 1 in 7 chance of mortality...much higher complications from graft vs. host issues cos you are taking up someone else's immune system...and my immune system will be so weakened that the slightest infection/bug can really threaten me. The second transplant, according to my doctor, is my only REAL chance at being "cured" with 13% chance of that...but at least may afford me a few extra years. I hoping for at least 5. It's weird, cos after my induction chemo at this point, I feel pretty good...but the window is short. Somebody play a violin for me.

I have been thinking about drafting a letter to my wife, but I don't know what to say. I worry about being sainted by my wife as a previous poster said, not that i am a saint, but because I certainly was the one that "rescued" my wife from her life of chaos...and has put up with her self-destructive behaviors. I worry that my death will push her over the edge to be honest, that she will lack the coping ability...so for these last few months I have to admit I have been very confrontational with her behaviors, trying to toughen her up to live her life alone, which she admittedly has been very afraid of. I have to admit, she has made my life a living hell, but at the same time my world has been very colorful because of her. She has had a very rough life...and I'm afraid my death will reaffirm the perception she struggles with that bad stuff will continue to happen to her. On the other hand, she is extremely gifted and capable and on cusp of earning 2nd Masters Degree so has good earning potential and is an influencer.

My point is that I want her to be able to move on...to continue to walk in healing. Given, there always is a mourning period...but I want her to believe that there can be better seasons in life and that there is a future still for her. IDK...I'm rambling. This is tough.
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post #21 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-25-2014, 11:40 PM
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Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?

I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this....there are NO words I can say...except it so so very unfair...Blessings and prayers for you and your family... Do you have a strong support system through family/friends/church/work? They can be a key pillar through this very awful time...

You sound like a very loving husband. I feel a love letter is a GREAT and SELFLESS idea...for sure write to her what comes from your heart and mind...ALL the good and bad. Write to your children as well..........they will treasure your wisdom on life. Try not to dwell in the present but to the future and all the wisdom you want to share...

Give your wife the blessing of Peace.....it sounds like she might need courage and encouragement as well. Maybe make a DVD also. What a priceless gift you want to give.......Is your family able to take a vacation soon.....maybe to help you be isolated, but with your caregivers?

I am thinking and praying very hard for all you will go through....

Blessings
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post #22 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-26-2014, 10:16 PM
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Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?

I don't think that the person stops loving that person, but the person that dies, stops growing and developing.. While the alive person continues to grow and develop, and, in part, grows and develops due to the loss and grief..

So.. while that old person doesn't stop loving that person, the new version of that person is fully capable of finding someone who is a great fit for them now.. And in fact, I think, given the changes that the death of the spouse caused in them, that new person might not even be a good fit for the old relationship at times..

For example, my cousin's grandparents.. The grandmother took care of the grandfather to the Nth degree.. Even put his freakin' socks on! When the grandma died of cancer, everyone thought that the grandfather would follow soon after. B/c he didn't cook, clean, or even dress himself completely! But, you know what? He started to do things for himself, and then he met a lady that really pushed him to move outside his comfort zone.. HE went dancing, bowling, and did a ton of things.. I fully think that the new person he became would probably not have a place in his old relationship, but that doesn't diminish the love he and his wife shared, KWIM?
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post #23 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-27-2014, 12:05 AM
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Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?

I understand what you are saying browneyes74. That in the case of the grandfather he is a changed man. People do change over time. So the new man the grandfather has become might not be recognizable to his first wife......
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post #24 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-27-2014, 04:57 PM
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Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?

My great-grandmother's first husband was killed in the Phillipine campaigne of the Spanish American War. They had only been married a couple years, but before he shipped out they concieved their first child -- my grandmother, who was later born in 1899.

When my great-grandmother maried her second husband a year or so later, he adopted my grandmother and raised her and loved her as if she were his own flesh-and-blood daughter.

Here is the weird part... great-grandma asked her second husband if it would be alright if both she and him were buried in the same lot as her first husband. Being the gentleman he was, and understanding the deep love she had for her first husband, he willingly agreed.

Well great-grandpa died in 1959 and then great-grandma followed him in 1962. She was buried with both her husbands: one on one side and one on the other.

Last edited by bandit.45; 01-27-2014 at 05:02 PM.
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post #25 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-28-2014, 01:08 AM
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Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
My great-grandmother's first husband was killed in the Phillipine campaigne of the Spanish American War. They had only been married a couple years, but before he shipped out they concieved their first child -- my grandmother, who was later born in 1899.

When my great-grandmother maried her second husband a year or so later, he adopted my grandmother and raised her and loved her as if she were his own flesh-and-blood daughter.

Here is the weird part... great-grandma asked her second husband if it would be alright if both she and him were buried in the same lot as her first husband. Being the gentleman he was, and understanding the deep love she had for her first husband, he willingly agreed.

Well great-grandpa died in 1959 and then great-grandma followed him in 1962. She was buried with both her husbands: one on one side and one on the other.
What is your question?

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post #26 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-28-2014, 07:08 PM
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Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?

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Originally Posted by FormerSelf View Post
Did any of you read about the man who was getting remarried after the death of his first wife and apparently, the deceased wife had already arranged in her will for like a huge vacation for whole family? She wanted to give her blessing to the woman who would be the kids' new mom. I thought that was cool.

I have an incurable bone marrow cancer...multiple myeloma...and I have been thinking about this very subject. What I have is high risk version of it, going in a week to my first bone marrow/stem cell transplant (freezing my stem cells, then high dose chemo, then ingraft of cells back in me) procedure which will be hell but doable, yet follow up stem cell transplant (which will be donor cells this time) has a 1 in 7 chance of mortality...much higher complications from graft vs. host issues cos you are taking up someone else's immune system...and my immune system will be so weakened that the slightest infection/bug can really threaten me. The second transplant, according to my doctor, is my only REAL chance at being "cured" with 13% chance of that...but at least may afford me a few extra years. I hoping for at least 5. It's weird, cos after my induction chemo at this point, I feel pretty good...but the window is short. Somebody play a violin for me.

I have been thinking about drafting a letter to my wife, but I don't know what to say. I worry about being sainted by my wife as a previous poster said, not that i am a saint, but because I certainly was the one that "rescued" my wife from her life of chaos...and has put up with her self-destructive behaviors. I worry that my death will push her over the edge to be honest, that she will lack the coping ability...so for these last few months I have to admit I have been very confrontational with her behaviors, trying to toughen her up to live her life alone, which she admittedly has been very afraid of. I have to admit, she has made my life a living hell, but at the same time my world has been very colorful because of her. She has had a very rough life...and I'm afraid my death will reaffirm the perception she struggles with that bad stuff will continue to happen to her. On the other hand, she is extremely gifted and capable and on cusp of earning 2nd Masters Degree so has good earning potential and is an influencer.

My point is that I want her to be able to move on...to continue to walk in healing. Given, there always is a mourning period...but I want her to believe that there can be better seasons in life and that there is a future still for her. IDK...I'm rambling. This is tough.
You are loved here and I will pray for you and your wife. Have faith. D
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post #27 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-28-2014, 07:57 PM
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Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?

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Originally Posted by omega View Post
Thank goodness I have not experienced this but I cannot imagine that one would stop loving a spouse after they've died.
That could NEVER be... not when you've been with someone for half a lifetime....and it's been so good...Since I've been with my husband - who just turned 50 last month...we've accumulated over 22 photo albums full of memories...from our teens through all of our 6 children.. different homes...friends along the way... these things become a part of you -that will forever be in our hearts...

It gives me great joy (even if a little sadness) that times flies so very very fast...and seems more so now... but the memories are so cherished it can bring tears to my eyes ....that we'll never walk that way again.. but thank God he's still here with me...

I always say I hope we die together...

Quote:
What I ALSO cannot imagine is being able to remarry. Obviously loads of people do it, but I just can't understand how it feels okay to do that. I feel that if my husband were to die, I am still married to him, since we never got divorced, so why would I want to marry someone else?
People feel very differently here...and it's easy to say while we have our spouses close to us... I remember sitting with my Step Mother in the hospital waiting room while my Father was getting some serious surgery..I can't remember how we got here in the conversation but she looked at me with tears in her eyes telling me my Father is the Love of her Life ....and she could never marry another man if something happened to him... She had me balling ...

Me & my husband has talked about this.. the "What IF's" of life... he has always said the same.. that it wouldn't be fair to the next woman, that none could come close...he'd just live for the children.. I always tell him he would get lonely... but he insists he would never marry again..

BUT ME... I don't see it this way at all.. even though I don't believe I could ever find a love as strong as what we share..I see him as my Soul mate in this life... I'd still desire to find another man to fill my days.. I would get bored with just children.... they have their own lives... and Girlfriends for companionship... I just know me all too well...

I'd have to lay down the comparisons though...and be open, not rigid to what I've always been used to.......I've told my husband if I found another half as good as him - in how he loves, what he brings, how we laughed together..... I'd probably have to consider...but I don't ever want to find out..
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post #28 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-29-2014, 06:05 AM
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Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?

You and your dh have such a beautiful mutual respect and esteem, SA. We need to hear that. Thank you.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #29 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-29-2014, 07:12 AM
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Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?

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I have an incurable bone marrow cancer...multiple myeloma..
Oh FS, my heart goes out to you. MM has been in our family, I know exactly what you're going through.

Bless you for being so loving towards your wife.

I know that I could never remarry if something were to happen to my husband. He is the most wonderful man I've ever known and I don't think anyone else could even come close to the man that he is. He's not perfect by any means, but he's perfect for me

He though, would remarry...and he would want me to as well. I just don't think I could.
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post #30 of 37 (permalink) Old 02-14-2014, 10:04 AM
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Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?

I think it depends on the state of the relationship. My husband's relationship with his fiancee was disastrous, and from what I can tell he doesn't have any lingering love for her. He seems regretful and maybe a bit disgusted by the whole thing.
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