Re: Do widowers stop loving their first?
Hi all. Just had to chime in here, since I'm a widow. My LH died March 1 2013.
I'm dating again. Each man I've met has been completely different from my husband. So I've accepted, or not accepted, the men on their own terms.
I'm currently in two relationships - dating a divorcee, and friends with a widower via long-distance. Each are 'friendships' for now - they are both aware of each other and are fine with it. Neither are pushing for the relationships to go any farther than that yet. Both realize they are fulfilling different needs of mine (social/companionship - spiritual connection) as I am of theirs.
I still love my LH. Always will. But I don't 'sanctify' him into saint-hood. He had his flaws as do I. Our marriage was not always good, particularly near the end when his illness totally changed his personality and all the worst aspects came out.
There are men and women who are divorced but will always love their first husbands/wives.
There are men and women currently married who pine for that 'first true love'.
The key is to not idealize any relationships. And for the person who married a widow/widower -have patience. Let them talk about their late spouses. Accept they are part of their lives. Don't try to 'erase' their past nor feel like you're in competition. There's a reason they chose to be with you NOW. Accept that as a good thing.
I had a friend, divorced, who married a widower. When they moved in together, she did everything she could to 'clean out' everything that belonged to, or reminded of, the first wife. Like she was trying to erase her existence at all - I found that disrespectful and so sad, that she was jealous of a ghost. I vowed never to repeat that mistake. It set her up in conflict with his family, and the LW's family, and remains a sore point to this day.