My loss. - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Where the sand is.
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My loss.

Two years ago next month my mother was killed while walking across the parking lot at her place of employment. The lady who ran her down was speeding through the parking lot and claimed that the sun was in her eyes. My mother was pretty much dead in the lot but she was medflighted to a local hospital and pronounced brain dead a few hours later. The neurosurgeon assigned to her had us leave her on life support for several days to see if any signals ever returned but they did not. We pulled the plug on her. She would have been 53 years old this year.

I really did not see how bad her death had affected me. We had just found out that my wife was pregnant with our second child and I had just been picked for a big promotion at the company that I work for. Somehow I managed to bury the feelings that I had this entire time. As far as I can remember, I really only cried once about her death and that was when I got in my truck to return home after we pulled the plug. Since then I have pretty much ignored any feelings attached to her death.

Burying my feelings has caused tremendous stress in my household. I became detached from my family and my friends. When I came home each day I would go through the bare minimum motions required to get to where I could be alone. It wasn't that I did not want to be with my wife or daughter (now 4 years old) it was that I was just emotionally drained from work and life. I did not see it as a huge problem, everyone continued to move around the house doing what they had always done, I had just stopped being a part of most of it. Excitement had been placed with negativity, action had been replaced with lethargy.

I think about my mother several times a day still. My path to work drives a few blocks from the cemetery where she is buried (and that I stop at at least weekly) as well as the place where she had worked and died at. Some days I just want to pull over and ball until I get it all out but I know that won't help.

Fast forward to my current situation, my lack of care for my mental health has ruined my marriage and my physical health. I had gained 40lbs (that I have now lost due to stress) and my blood pressure was through the roof. My wife has asked about us separating and we have put a date on the separation in case things do not improve. I have started to talk about my mother again. I had an hour long session with my wife where she let me just lay there and rant about my mother, with no interjection from her.

I think that I am going to find a counselor soon in order to try to clear some more of this up. I wish I had done it years ago.

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 01:37 PM
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Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 78
Re: My loss.

It can take a long, long time to "get over" the death of a loved one, particularly when that person's death was "particularly horrific". In my own case I have spent the past year in a failed attempt at helping my ex-wife survive colon cancer.

But she died, on July 28, 2013, at the age of 58.

I "completely understand" how your health can deteriorate during this period. I had to "step away from the bottle" and throw away all the prescription narcotics that were left lying around the house. Ingesting of those things in combination (booze + narcotics) very nearly killed me.

Right now I'm at that point of "wanting to be alone all the time". I've grown a very short fuse and have "lashed out" (verbally) at my co-workers. Just yesterday I got hauled into the boss's office and reamed out for "dropping the F-bomb" on a co-worker. Meh.....who cares.

Personally I think a "change of scenery" might help both me and you. In your case (married with kids) that might be a little more difficult. But if your wife wants you back on your feet maybe a little vacation is in order? Go lay on a beach somewhere, play some golf, go fishing, what ever it is you like to do. I know it's hard to get your bearing after someone close to you dies.

IMO, two years is too long for you to be mourning so grievously. Your mom probably wouldn't want you to deteriorate like this now would she?

There's not a lot of traffic in the Grief & Loss forums of TAM.

Nobody knows what to say in these instances.

Just know that there are others who have been through this stuff too.

We understand.

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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 01:38 PM
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Re: My loss.

I am sorry for your loss. Hopefully counselling helps..
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 01:48 PM
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Re: My loss.

Hi Kolors,

I just posted a thread that is similar to yours, so let me say that we are unfortunately members of a club we never asked to join and that no one wants to be a member of.

I don't have words of wisdom. God, how I wish I did! I'd take them myself. I keep trying to find something to hold on to. I think that is really the key. You need something new to strive for. At least that is what I feel would help me, would get me to turn a corner. I need to find the fire in my belly for life again, and my guess is you have lost that, too. How do we get that back in a way that is healthy? I don't know. But keep putting one foot in front of the other and at least thinking about what could be better. At least try not to dwell too much on the sadness and the loss. She is with you always. At least I believe that.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-01-2013, 02:27 PM
Join Date: Sep 2013
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Re: My loss.

Sorry for your loss. I went through similar emotions when my dad died a few years ago. Actually the second year of greiving was much worse for me than the first.

What helped me was thinking how my dad would want me to go on and really live to the fullest. I knew that if he knew how much his death was holding me back, he would not be happy (of course). I tried living life the way I knew he would want me to (striving for excellence and hapiness) and that helped a bit...
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