My loss. - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

User Tag List

 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Where the sand is.
Posts: 504
My loss.

Two years ago next month my mother was killed while walking across the parking lot at her place of employment. The lady who ran her down was speeding through the parking lot and claimed that the sun was in her eyes. My mother was pretty much dead in the lot but she was medflighted to a local hospital and pronounced brain dead a few hours later. The neurosurgeon assigned to her had us leave her on life support for several days to see if any signals ever returned but they did not. We pulled the plug on her. She would have been 53 years old this year.

I really did not see how bad her death had affected me. We had just found out that my wife was pregnant with our second child and I had just been picked for a big promotion at the company that I work for. Somehow I managed to bury the feelings that I had this entire time. As far as I can remember, I really only cried once about her death and that was when I got in my truck to return home after we pulled the plug. Since then I have pretty much ignored any feelings attached to her death.

Burying my feelings has caused tremendous stress in my household. I became detached from my family and my friends. When I came home each day I would go through the bare minimum motions required to get to where I could be alone. It wasn't that I did not want to be with my wife or daughter (now 4 years old) it was that I was just emotionally drained from work and life. I did not see it as a huge problem, everyone continued to move around the house doing what they had always done, I had just stopped being a part of most of it. Excitement had been placed with negativity, action had been replaced with lethargy.

I think about my mother several times a day still. My path to work drives a few blocks from the cemetery where she is buried (and that I stop at at least weekly) as well as the place where she had worked and died at. Some days I just want to pull over and ball until I get it all out but I know that won't help.

Fast forward to my current situation, my lack of care for my mental health has ruined my marriage and my physical health. I had gained 40lbs (that I have now lost due to stress) and my blood pressure was through the roof. My wife has asked about us separating and we have put a date on the separation in case things do not improve. I have started to talk about my mother again. I had an hour long session with my wife where she let me just lay there and rant about my mother, with no interjection from her.

I think that I am going to find a counselor soon in order to try to clear some more of this up. I wish I had done it years ago.

Kolors is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 01:37 PM
Member
 
ShockwaveRider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 78
Re: My loss.

It can take a long, long time to "get over" the death of a loved one, particularly when that person's death was "particularly horrific". In my own case I have spent the past year in a failed attempt at helping my ex-wife survive colon cancer.

But she died, on July 28, 2013, at the age of 58.

I "completely understand" how your health can deteriorate during this period. I had to "step away from the bottle" and throw away all the prescription narcotics that were left lying around the house. Ingesting of those things in combination (booze + narcotics) very nearly killed me.

Right now I'm at that point of "wanting to be alone all the time". I've grown a very short fuse and have "lashed out" (verbally) at my co-workers. Just yesterday I got hauled into the boss's office and reamed out for "dropping the F-bomb" on a co-worker. Meh.....who cares.

Personally I think a "change of scenery" might help both me and you. In your case (married with kids) that might be a little more difficult. But if your wife wants you back on your feet maybe a little vacation is in order? Go lay on a beach somewhere, play some golf, go fishing, what ever it is you like to do. I know it's hard to get your bearing after someone close to you dies.

IMO, two years is too long for you to be mourning so grievously. Your mom probably wouldn't want you to deteriorate like this now would she?

There's not a lot of traffic in the Grief & Loss forums of TAM.

Nobody knows what to say in these instances.

Just know that there are others who have been through this stuff too.

We understand.

Shockwave
ShockwaveRider is offline  
post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 01:38 PM
Member
 
Parrot_head's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 72
Re: My loss.

I am sorry for your loss. Hopefully counselling helps..
Parrot_head is offline  
 
post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 01:48 PM
Member
 
SurpriseMyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,408
Re: My loss.

Hi Kolors,

I just posted a thread that is similar to yours, so let me say that we are unfortunately members of a club we never asked to join and that no one wants to be a member of.

I don't have words of wisdom. God, how I wish I did! I'd take them myself. I keep trying to find something to hold on to. I think that is really the key. You need something new to strive for. At least that is what I feel would help me, would get me to turn a corner. I need to find the fire in my belly for life again, and my guess is you have lost that, too. How do we get that back in a way that is healthy? I don't know. But keep putting one foot in front of the other and at least thinking about what could be better. At least try not to dwell too much on the sadness and the loss. She is with you always. At least I believe that.
SurpriseMyself is offline  
post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-01-2013, 02:27 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 28
Re: My loss.

Sorry for your loss. I went through similar emotions when my dad died a few years ago. Actually the second year of greiving was much worse for me than the first.

What helped me was thinking how my dad would want me to go on and really live to the fullest. I knew that if he knew how much his death was holding me back, he would not be happy (of course). I tried living life the way I knew he would want me to (striving for excellence and hapiness) and that helped a bit...
CarefulinNY is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
At a loss! sugar&pickles Considering Divorce or Separation 1 05-20-2013 08:30 AM
At a loss. Lydia General Relationship Discussion 3 01-22-2012 10:08 AM
At a Loss..... GulfCoastGal Considering Divorce or Separation 3 06-03-2011 03:06 PM
At a Loss Trippin General Relationship Discussion 3 05-19-2011 06:06 AM
At a loss adb1978 Considering Divorce or Separation 3 03-31-2010 09:54 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome