my sister's grief - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 10-03-2013, 09:26 PM Thread Starter
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my sister's grief

My sister's husband died very suddenly last year of a heart attack. He was 59, they had been married for 37 years, and had only one child, a son.
She was, and is, completely devastated. She is a professional with a long term senior position, and working seems to help, a bit. But other than that, she cannot get past her loss - she misses her best friend and husband enormously.
I live out of state, and cannot be there for her like I wish I could be. Plus, as the younger sister, I had never married, but was engaged at the time of her husband's death. Needless to say, our wedding plans were cut short, due to this grief and shock that all of my family was experiencing.
I feel guilty that my wedding was short-changed, and my husband and I have spent so much time addressing her grief, versus celebrating our love and 1st year of marriage. I feel I am paying more attention to my sister's needs, than my new husband's, and this worries me. Any advice, please?

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 10-20-2013, 05:43 PM
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Re: my sister's grief

Thank you for this information, it is clear that you already understand that you're out of balance with where you're putting your attention and you are now 'worried.'

My advice would be to look at that 'worry' and see in your feelings how and where you are out of balance. Consider where you put your attention to in simple percentages: "My sister is getting 80%, say, of my attention and my husband is getting the other 20%. How do I want to shift those percentages? I can even tell my sister of my attention percentage worry and just let her know that I love her and she'll be hearing less from me for the forseeable future." Or however you would word this for yourself and your sister.

Remember this: you are always free to not only do wonderful things for your sister's grief, but you get to do it in a way that serves BOTH of you beneficially. You can consider that you're not alone in any of this and it's ok to get a 'buy in' from both your sister and your husband as to how YOU WANT to proceed.
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 10-29-2013, 06:39 PM
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Re: my sister's grief

Losing a spouse, especially after a very long relationship, comes with PTSD. No way around it.

The best quote I've read: Grieving is hard work. Folks who have not experienced it do not get it.

Now, is your sister seeking grief counseling?
Hospice is open to all comers, not just people who used their services.

In a small group setting she will meet others with the same emotions and especially, same needs.
This will take pressure off of you if she seeks out help from others.

More importantly to her, she needs like-minded (emotionally speaking) people right now. You cannot fulfill her needs. She will become dependent on you and that would wreck your relationship with your sister and your husband.

You must put your marriage first. Put the same amount of attention you gave your sister to your husband.
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