About a month ago, I started planning a trip with my sister to visit my father's grave. He's buried about 800 miles away from where I live with my H. I took a bus to where my sister and mother live, about 500 miles away, and my sister and I drove out to the grave later. My H was supposed to come pick me up tomorrow night.
It's been a terrible week, and missing my Dad has been only the cherry on top of this sh*t sundae. The day my sister and I came home from the grave, I got an angry phone call from my H about why I didn't call when I said I would. I had attempted to keep in contact through text but that wasn't good enough. He said I had denied him the basic common courtesy due a husband from his wife.
The next problem was over plans with my mother and sister. My sister never met my H before we got married (we eloped) and my remaining family members wanted to go out to dinner when my H got here. I agreed to dinner before I checked the idea with him and he accused me of ordering him around, selling out to my mother and sister, and abusing him.
For the next couple days of my visit, I tried to call about every 4 hours, with texts in between. He ended up getting mad at me when I cut one of our phone calls short at 6 minutes because my sister and I wanted to get pedicures. Since the salon was closed, I ended up having plenty of time to apologize for putting my sister ahead of him for the next hour on the phone.
Finally, today, one day before he is hopefully still coming to pick me up, I ended up on the phone for almost 2 hours after dinner with my mom and sis, which was the only time I would have had to spend with my mom before she went to bed. Once again I was apologizing for ordering him around, not making him my top priority, ignoring him, abusing him, selling out, not defending him, and distracting him from work while I've been gone. All the while he grilled me about my mom and sis's respective jobs, their boyfriends, what I thought they would ask about, who owed me money, so he could be prepared for what he believes will be an inquisition and I had hoped was just going to be a nice dinner out.
It's to the point where I feel like I have to choose him or my family. I feel guilty for spending time with my mom and my sister for less than a week. I don't think we'll ever be able to have nice Thankgivings or Christmases together, and he told me if I wasn't the woman he married when he comes to pick me up, he's leaving.
I can't stop missing my Dad. I can't stop loving my mom and sister. I love my husband but apparently not enough. I would never, have never, given him an ultimatum like this. I feel like the only way I can keep loving him is to hate myself for all the pain I've caused him. He kept telling me how lucky I was that he loved me in spite of everything I've done to him. I don't know what to do with myself.
>>he told me if I wasn't the woman he married when he comes to pick me up, he's leaving.<<
I invite you to think about that. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being "the woman he married"? Is it possible for you to be that? Life is change. Your father's death will naturally change your relationship to your mother and sister. If your husband actually wants you to remain unchanged, he is trying to condemn you to a life without personal growth. Is that what you want?
Listen to your husband's language and ask yourself if he is speaking the truth, or if he is speaking a version of the truth that suits him. "Ordering him around" and "abusing him" do not describe what you did. If you're feeling guilty, that's probably what he intended. Why does he want you to suffer with guilt at a time when you're suffering over the death of your father?
From here, your husband sounds like someone who is afraid of losing something. Your visit to your family occurs to him as a threat. If he is willing and able to tell you what he's afraid of, you can make a decision about whether you want to help him with that fear. If he can't or won't, then you're just going to have to choose whether you want to live the kind of life he's demanding you live. You may not like having to make that choice, but it is your choice, not his.
My mom and I watch this channel on TV called the Lifetime channel. We call it the Men Killing Women channel. They show program after real-life program about women who have been killed or nearly killed by their husbands and boyfriends. The men always are control freak jealous types like your husband. I am worried for you.
Please get some counseling for you, to deal with your low self-esteem (believe me, it takes one to know one) and for both of you, to deal with the control issues in your marriage. Your husband's treatment of you is abusive, not the other way around, and if you don't get some help, this could go very bad places.
Agreed with others..your H is the one abusing and being controlling.
You should evaluate whether his good qualities overshadow these behaviors. If not, you may want to consider taking him up on his offer and not be "the women he married".
The fact that he is acting this way durring your time of grief is not acceptable. Work on your esteeem (for dealing with this) with a professional or otherwise and consider the merrits of staying with your husband. He sounds like he has issues/controlling or whatever.
Unfortunately I look like a troll with only 1 message and the liklihood I never return.
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary since my dad died and Google ended up diecting me here whilst looking to see if it is common to struggle emotionally with the year.
Anyway, before this becomes completely about me I wanted to add my neutral thoughts without reading your other posts (as above, I ended up here in error).
What is with the sudden attack of claiming the guy is an abuser and likely to kill?
Way to pour petrol on what may be a burning sensation of pain/ confusion.
I have seen many friendships and relationships end due to misguided information.
Using my experience and expectations of my other half :
I do not really like text messages, but accept they are inevitable due to time constraints/ location etc..., but you can not beat a phone call.
Us blokes struggle on the emotional point of view and often think/ believe it is our responsibility to fix or repair those around us that are important.
Could you husband feel weak and confused and wish to be the person that stands strong along with you?
I have been moody and confused with the anniversary for around a week now, so he will know something is wrong. It will take time for him to work out what he feels right and worries that your family could equally turn you against him.
Calling every four hours suddenly goes on the pestering, but also makes you look submissive.
Just thoughts as these could obviously go wrong as I have no idea of your circumstances:
I know I have not called, but to be honest I had not realised the time. Hope you are ok and this is what we are doing...
I am glad to have been able to do this. Looking forward to getting back with you. Fancy a meal out and I can just start my next step forward with a weight off my shoulders.
My family are being a pain, but least we have not all crowded round the house. I reckon I would have left you with them and headed to church.
Finally.... Do not build your life around him. If he wants a call, extend that courtesy, but drop in the conversation that you are doing things such as, meal with family, at the grave etc.., and it is about common courtesy to those around (and not just family).
There is always a happy medium, but from what I gather it is just a minor communication issue and a little TLC and working together will sort you out.
I do emphasise that I do not know anything about you or your circumstances, so this may be very misguided.