Wife lost her father and now she left me
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Dealing with Grief and Loss » Wife lost her father and now she left me

Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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Old 07-01-2010, 06:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife lost her father and now she left me

My wife lost her dad 3 months ago after a 7 yr. illness. She said that she didn't except that he was dieing untill days before he went. We got into a arguement the night her dad died. like an hour before he died. we have 4 kids and have been married for 17yrs. one week before he died while we were at the hospital my oldest left home with a boy and we busted her at like 2 am. well I was trying to balance raising kids, going visit her dad, financial trouble, and entertaining 5 of her family members that she didnt even know well that were staying at our home for like 2 weeks. all the while trying to work, and losing thousands in sales. I was told that her dad could fight and and last for months. Dont take me wrong I loved her dad, we were friends before I met my wife. I miss him every day but I was trying to get a grip on my family before we lost everything. we argued about her only going visit him at night. she would sleep all day and leave me with her family every night. I was trying to get her to spend the days with him until things got worse. boy was I wrong! what was I thinking I write this and cant belive what I was doing! I really didn't think it through. and you would know as soon as I opened my mouth bam gone. I've said I'm sorry and I was so wrong more times than I can count. she sometimes says it's ok but I know its not. I screwed up bad. now 3 months later she ups and leaves to her moms 400 miles away, she left the kids with me and said I'm a good father but she died when her father died and I need to move on. I just can't understand that a little arguement at the wrong time would create all this. I messed up and I know it but now i'm forced to raise 4 kids alone, run a business, all the while with a big hole in my heart. what can I do? Is it me? or is it her dad?
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Old 07-01-2010, 07:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I dont think its you. I think she just cant handle it right now. She needs time to deal with one thing at a time. She probably just cant handle dealing with how she feels about you and trying to deal with her dads death. Maybe you can work out a way that either your own mom or her mom can stay with you for a little while until she gets her head on straight. I would say give her a few weeks and then give her some ultimatum about what you need from her.
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Old 07-01-2010, 09:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I'm Sure hoping a few weeks can help. We talk everyday about the kids, but when I try to tell her how much I miss her and love her she blowes up on me with some heart shattering comments. She says she feels at home with her mom, and that she is never comming back. she says she's been wanting to leave for years. She says I need to find someone else. but after all that she says she will always love me. I'm just so broke up it hurts so much I can't function. I have so much pressure running the family business and dealing with this I think I'm going to have a nervos break down. This is not like my wife. my wife is loving and caring and would never leave her kids. She has never done this before. I talked to her mom and her mom was very very angry with me. she told her mom that I wouldn't let her take the kids and that I told her to leave. That is not true at all. I had to put my 17 yr old on the phone to tell grandma that it wasn't true. Why would she say such things? I think I should just ignore the phone when she text me, but I don't want to cause more dammage. The last 3 months have been pure hell for me, the rejection from her is unbareable. she has been gone every weekend for months and also a week strait a few weeks ago. now she has "left for good" a week now. raising 4 girls that are on summer vacation is very very hard, but I would be lost if she would take them. The older girls are getting angry with her and I keep telling them that mommas hurting for her dad. what do I do to get her back home? I would do anything for her and my family.
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Old 07-03-2010, 01:20 AM   #4 (permalink)
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she told her mom that I wouldn't let her take the kids and that I told her to leave. That is not true at all. I had to put my 17 yr old on the phone to tell grandma that it wasn't true. Why would she say such things?
she feels guilty. that's why she's making that stuff up. she knows what she's doing is wrong so she has to lie to her mom so she can stay there. i think you ought to talk to her mom and let her know what a state of duress you are in over this. i really think you need to take away your wifes delusions by not letting her live a lie with her mom.

Get yourself a counselor. and get some legal advice. you might be able to get your wife back but its not going to be by placating her. she's just going to walk all over you and lie about you behind your back.
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Old 07-04-2010, 01:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Old 07-04-2010, 02:07 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I talked to a counselor, and I was told to not call/text or answer her text. It makes perfect since to do that. I understand that by talking to her every day there is no reason for her to be here, because she is using that security knowing that I am broke up and want her back to stay away as long as she likes without risking her home/family. It's been three days since we've talked. This is killing me! Am I doing the right thing or am I pushing her further away? Meanwhile my youngest kid cried to me last knight, that was so so heart breaking to tell her that mom loves you and she's going to come home soon. I don't know what to say to my little girl. I don't want them to hurt for there mom like I am. I can't help think that this is a game to my wife. I think she is doing all this just to have some extended vacation. I think she is confused about herself and is being lead by her friends and her mother to leave. What they don't know is she is not telling them the truth so their advice is for all the wrong reasons. Who in their right mind would tell someone to leave their family when there has been no cheating, drug abuse, wife beating, ect. My issues of "controlling" are something you work out, I have never run from my duties. I had no idea that she wanted to leave for a year now. Why didn't she tell me she was unhappy until now? If she would have said to me that she wasn't happy I would have done everything in my power to fix the issue. Am I doing the right thing?
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Old 07-04-2010, 03:40 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I talked to a counselor, and I was told to not call/text or answer her text. It makes perfect since to do that. I understand that by talking to her every day there is no reason for her to be here, because she is using that security knowing that I am broke up and want her back to stay away as long as she likes without risking her home/family. It's been three days since we've talked. This is killing me! Am I doing the right thing or am I pushing her further away? Meanwhile my youngest kid cried to me last knight, that was so so heart breaking to tell her that mom loves you and she's going to come home soon. I don't know what to say to my little girl. I don't want them to hurt for there mom like I am. I can't help think that this is a game to my wife. I think she is doing all this just to have some extended vacation. I think she is confused about herself and is being lead by her friends and her mother to leave. What they don't know is she is not telling them the truth so their advice is for all the wrong reasons. Who in their right mind would tell someone to leave their family when there has been no cheating, drug abuse, wife beating, ect. My issues of "controlling" are something you work out, I have never run from my duties. I had no idea that she wanted to leave for a year now. Why didn't she tell me she was unhappy until now? If she would have said to me that she wasn't happy I would have done everything in my power to fix the issue. Am I doing the right thing?
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I would follow the counselors advice, maybe give her some space to sort things out, she did just lose her father who she was close to. Do a search on the 7 stages of grief and know that she is grieving for her father.

If your not going to talk to her does she ask about talking to the kids, if she does I think you should let her or your going to look like a real jerk.

It doesnt seem like she has detatched from you if she tries to stay in contact with you. You know the relationship is in big trouble when she wants to have no contact with you.
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Old 07-04-2010, 04:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I would follow the counselors advice, maybe give her some space to sort things out, she did just lose her father who she was close to. Do a search on the 7 stages of grief and know that she is grieving for her father.

If your not going to talk to her does she ask about talking to the kids, if she does I think you should let her or your going to look like a real jerk.

It doesnt seem like she has detatched from you if she tries to stay in contact with you. You know the relationship is in big trouble when she wants to have no contact with you.
my 17 yr. Old has a phone. She can contact the kids whenever she wants. But she has only texted once in three days to ask where they were. She only text to my oldest she has not talked to the others since she left.
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Old 07-09-2010, 07:27 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Give her some time to think about his dad's death.
Mom's work is always hard, especially if you have many children.
And if his dad was very close to her, she may be unable to think about all that at once.
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Old 07-12-2010, 11:38 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Your wife is in mourning over her father's death. Clearly, there were unresolved issues between them. She's transferred the anger she had about that to you.

She needs grief counseling.

That said, she has abandoned you and her children.

Even if you want her back you need to protect yourself and your children from her erratic behavior.

Consult with a lawyer and at the very least draw up a separation agreement and get a child support and custody agreement in place.

Sure, hold out hope of reconciliation, but prepare for the real way of things between you and she.

She left.
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Old 07-25-2010, 06:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife lost her father and now she left me

I'm in the same boat. My wife's dad passed away last October. She was back for 2 months. In December she returned to the UK. Since then, she's been different. I tried to be there for her, etc. She left in June - exactly one month today.She said she had been thinking about it since last December.

I am at a LOSS. Still in shock
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Old 07-25-2010, 06:56 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Oh yeah, and then in February of this year, her grandfather passed away.
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