sadness and divorce - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-06-2014, 04:53 PM Thread Starter
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sadness and divorce

I lately lost both my parents in very tragic way (I dont want to go details). I have a good husband who feels sorry for my situation but I realized that he will never truly understand my pains. Needless to say, I do not want to do anything that reminds me of the sad incident , but also I have trouble dealing with people of my parents age. (My parents were still young and very active not ill at all) It's just hard for me to deal with in-laws who are same age with my parents.

My in-laws are very dependent on my husband. They expect my husband to do everything for them.

Just think about in-laws makes me feel very depressed but my husband thinks that I should see them more often because they are his important parents not random people.

My husband and I were talking about having kids but I am so scared that in-laws are going to be involved in our life more than now if we have kids, and I have no where to escape. I feel divorce is the right option for me.... I have this complicated situation of losing both parents in tragedy and I am not good fit for his family. I would rather be alone than covering up my sadness in front of my husband.

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-06-2014, 06:17 PM
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Re: sadness and divorce

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your parents.

Are you seeing a therapist?

It's not your husband's fault that he can't fully comprehend your pain. Unless they have lost a parent, no one can. But you can't avoid people who are the same age as your parents because it hurts you-that's just not healthy coping. You need to talk with someone about how to deal with your loss rather than avoiding the pain.

If you aren't in therapy now, please get there. Don't let your marriage end because of your loss, especially when it sounds like you have a husband and inlaws who care for you.
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-07-2014, 09:23 AM
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Re: sadness and divorce

I agree with TooNice, but will add. Don't bring children into this before you get it worked out.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-07-2014, 02:44 PM
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Re: sadness and divorce

I agree with TooNice and dormant as well...
Therapy is key I think.

And trust me, divorce is sad - I'm still sad after 3 1/2 years.
It's also a loss - I hope you get the help you need.

I'm so sorry for you loss
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-08-2014, 10:48 AM
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Re: sadness and divorce

You have been through a terrible tragedy I think to think go through another loss, divorce...right now...maybe down the road IDK

Can you at least tell your husband you still want to wait for children? Could you also get your husband into IC? Sounds like he could benefit from learning how to put in place proper boundaries with his parents, which in turn can strengthen your marriage...

Is your husband an only child?
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-10-2014, 12:51 AM
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Re: sadness and divorce

Let me tell you, for all the flowers and rainbows and you hear about divorce being liberating, to me a lot of that is people trying to cheer themselves up in the devastation of divorce. The pain of divorce is often downplayed even on this message board and even in cases when it has to be done due to life and death caliber abuse, the pain lingers for the rest of some people's lives. What you are going through with loss of your parents and the grief may cloud your relationship with your husband. Take care of yourself, eat and exercise well and give your marriage a chance. As with others and advise on waiting on children.

Your post sounds like it is written by someone whose depression is doing the writing, don't make a major life decision while depression is in charge. Work on you for a while and take a break from worrying about kids that may never come, problems with the in-laws that might never happen and every other thing you are imagining "might" happen as you recover from your loss.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-12-2014, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: sadness and divorce

Thank you for the advice.

I went to see a therapist once but I realize that it's too painful to even talk about it. I started crying when therapist asked questions and regretted that I went there because the sadness got deeper after I saw the therapist.

The same thing happens when I see people at my parents age. if it's too close like sitting next to the table at restaurant, I sometimes start crying. I really do not want to interact with my in-laws because I know I will feel very depressed.

Divorce is another loss which I should not make decision right now but I would be willing to do ANYTHING to avoid those situation where I feel miserable and depressed. I wonder if there are people like me who lost parents in a horrible way and have hard time dealing with in-laws....
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-12-2014, 09:07 PM
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Re: sadness and divorce

One of the tough parts about seeking professional help is that it's a little like cleaning a neglected room. When you sort through all of the piles of stuff and figure out what you need and don't need, you look around and realize that you've made a much bigger mess than you started with.

But you take out the garbage, take a pile to The Salvation Army, and things start to look better. Slowly but surely. But it's not all going to get done in one day.

Did you like the therapist that you saw? It's important to have someone you trust. And it's important that you share what you said here. The statements you make concern me. I lost my parents within 18 months of each other when I was in my 20s. I got sad when I saw couples in their 70s together, knowing my parents would never have that. I got angry at AARP commercials, knowing that my parents would never use that. But it's not realistic to shut yourself off from a whole category of people because their age makes you sad. Especially people who consider you family.

Please, please reconsider therapy. And give it a chance. Not once or twice. More like several months. You have been deeply wounded. It takes time to heal. Let someone guide you through that.

I'm sure the people who love you are hurting seeing you in pain. They want to help you but they don't know how. Let someone who is trained in this do their job.

You are worthy of that. You deserve that.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-14-2014, 11:44 PM
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Re: sadness and divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by TooNice View Post
One of the tough parts about seeking professional help is that it's a little like cleaning a neglected room. When you sort through all of the piles of stuff and figure out what you need and don't need, you look around and realize that you've made a much bigger mess than you started with.

But you take out the garbage, take a pile to The Salvation Army, and things start to look better. Slowly but surely. But it's not all going to get done in one day.

Did you like the therapist that you saw? It's important to have someone you trust. And it's important that you share what you said here. The statements you make concern me. I lost my parents within 18 months of each other when I was in my 20s. I got sad when I saw couples in their 70s together, knowing my parents would never have that. I got angry at AARP commercials, knowing that my parents would never use that. But it's not realistic to shut yourself off from a whole category of people because their age makes you sad. Especially people who consider you family.

Please, please reconsider therapy. And give it a chance. Not once or twice. More like several months. You have been deeply wounded. It takes time to heal. Let someone guide you through that.

I'm sure the people who love you are hurting seeing you in pain. They want to help you but they don't know how. Let someone who is trained in this do their job.

You are worthy of that. You deserve that.
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-02-2014, 09:08 PM
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Re: sadness and divorce

I am not sure if you are still reading this post. But please find a good therapist or counselor. I lost my father very young and tragically. It was almost ten years ago and there are still days when it hurts or you miss them. But the pain does subside some. Therapy WILL help, it takes a while and there are days you will go and do nothing but cry. They say that loss takes three years of your life to recover from but when you loose someone tragically it can really alter your whole self. Don't divorce because you are hurting from your loss because it will only add to your loneliness.

When I lost my father I made a lot of rash decisions out of hurt and grief. It took me many years to recover and I regret some of the choices I made during that time. I wish I had sought out therapy earlier. At first when I went it was like reliving the moment over and over; and I hated going. But as time went on it gave me a safe place to deal with that pain and hurt. It also gave me a person who is qualified to help me manage that pain and hurt in a positive way. I know it is hard. And to loose both at the same time only doubles that pain. You really need someone who can help you to work through that pain and help you to find a positive way to deal with it.

Even with therapy there are days (birthday, holidays, etc) that can be difficult. Even after almost ten years there are days when I will think on he is going to call today. And I remember and I sit and have a good healthy cry and think of something about him that makes me happy. As time goes on you will pick out the happy moments and cling to them.

But please do go see a therapist again , it will help.
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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-09-2015, 11:57 AM
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Re: sadness and divorce

Everybody on this board has given you good, solid advice.

When I first saw the title of your thread, I thought it was about sadness due to divorce. It's strange to think that your sadness for a non-marital issue, is the reason you are considering divorce.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your parents, obviously it is devastating to you, I hope and pray you are able to get past it. You will, with time, if you try to be good to yourself (mentally/emotionally) and don't give up on therapy.

I know you're afraid of your in-laws being involved with your child's life and having to see them more. But have you thought about what a child would do for your healing process? When I was separated from my husband, my daughter was 2 years old. Her laughter, joy, and presence helped me through a horribly difficult time and in fact, made me feel happy. Without her, I would have had a terrible time healing. A child brings endless joy to you, and your parents would be happy to know you have a daughter or son.

I don't think you should have a child right now, not when you're thinking of a divorce. I'm saying that if you get to a point where you realize divorce is not a good option, and get rid of the divorce idea altogether, then think of the ways a child can help you heal. They are little persons of healing and joy. My mother oftentimes says that she got through news of her brother's death because of my little brother, who was newborn at the time...
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-09-2015, 12:21 PM
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Re: sadness and divorce

Read up on grieving, that's all that's most likely going on here. Don't blow up you marriage. And I agree on no kids til this all worked out. Dude
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-13-2015, 07:23 PM
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Re: sadness and divorce

Divorce? I realize you're going through a painful loss, but that doesn't give you the right to become a completely self-centered... I don't even know what the word would be.

Learn to deal with the loss with your husband. If you need the dynamic to change with his parents, then tell him so, and work out the situation together. You have the right to be hurt, to cry, to be sad, to feel horrible, but divorce? That's pushing your natural grieving process into pure selfishness. You need to pull yourself together a little bit, and start thinking of your husband in addition to yourself.

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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 01:58 AM
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Re: sadness and divorce

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Originally Posted by applecider View Post
I would rather be alone than covering up my sadness in front of my husband.
I recommend that you get into a Grief Support group where you will be allowed to fall completely apart and weep for as long and as hard as you need to WITHOUT anyone brow beating or humiliating you for HAVING YOUR FEELINGS.
Many folks cannot tolerate the painful feelings of others BECAUSE they are desperately holding in their own unhealed, painful feelings so the open expression of grief from a Griever THREATENS THEM and they will do anything to stop the Griever from grieving in front of them.
A Grief Support group will both allow you to grieve and also show you how to finally get over it IN YOUR OWN TIME - and not when others expect you to be "done"!

choose happiness
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 02:35 AM
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Re: sadness and divorce

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Originally Posted by jimrich View Post
I recommend that you get into a Grief Support group where you will be allowed to fall completely apart and weep for as long and as hard as you need to WITHOUT anyone brow beating or humiliating you for HAVING YOUR FEELINGS.
Many folks cannot tolerate the painful feelings of others BECAUSE they are desperately holding in their own unhealed, painful feelings so the open expression of grief from a Griever THREATENS THEM and they will do anything to stop the Griever from grieving in front of them.
A Grief Support group will both allow you to grieve and also show you how to finally get over it IN YOUR OWN TIME - and not when others expect you to be "done"!
Check out the date of the posts. We will never know if her husband felt fallout from her parents death. Hope not.
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