Husband's father died. Now he takes it out on me.

Sweetray30 · 12-06-2010, 08:35 AM

My husband's dad died unexpectedly in March. Since then he has done random things to "change" things about himself. At one point he quit smoking for 4 months. Then he started dieting. I have been supportive of all the ways he has chosen to show his grief until lately. His newest outlet is criticizing me about everything I do wrong. He does this in front of our kids or follows me around the house constantly complaining. I can't even go in another room without him invading my space. I'm not the type to take it in stride. Because of this our arguements have become a daily battle. Even his own mother has told me he's out of line. When it gets bad enough he starts apoligizing. His current issue with me is that I drink a few beers once a week. He use to enjoy this with me. I was pregnant, with our 4th child, until June and he drank occassinally during my pregnancy. Which was ok. Since I had the baby he has decided he no longer wants to drink at all. I don't have a problem with this, being that it's his body. However, I am a grown woman and if I chose to continue my Sunday football routine I don't feel it's his place to dictate what I can. This isn't the only thing he takes issue with,but it's the one he gets out of control about. Sometimes it's the kids he starts with. This morning he yelled at my 6 year old for putting her own hair into a ponytail. Really? I don't see a problem with a child learning to do things herself. So it's messy? At least she is confident! Now I'm a "piece of s*** mom" for letting her do it. We have been together for 10 years and he was never like this before. He is a good person and works very hard for our family. I love him but I don't know how much more I can put up with. I need a break, but if I take the kids and leave for a while I'm not sure I'll come back. Lol. Any advise would be great.

HappyHer · 12-06-2010, 09:32 AM

Let him know while you respect his opinion, you will no longer hear it unless it's a positive request. For example, instead of yelling at the six year old about trying to do her own hair, he could say "Honey I'm happy you care about yourself, maybe your mom can give you a few tips to make it easier to get your hair up" - or something along those lines.

Creating a negative environment for you and your children is not fair to any of you. Set some boundaries, get into counseling together, or take that break you are talking about. Your children's self esteem needs better than what he is offering and so does yours.

Blanca · 12-06-2010, 08:35 PM

There's a lot going on but one thing that stood out is the poor boundaries. he thinks you should stop drinking because he has stopped. I can kind of understand that since it would be hard to quit if someone else is still drinking, but like you said he cant make those decisions for you. you could read up on boundaries to learn how to communicate that to him.

If he's following you around all the time he's trying to get your attention. he feels neglected. Do you two ever do anything fun together? why not plan some simple, fun things to do once a week. and since he engages you in a confrontational way he doesnt trust you. i guess your relationship wasnt very good before his dad passed. he cant be vulnerable with you. he's trying to dominate you so he doesnt feel vulnerable towards you anymore, and at the same time he's trying to make an emotional connection with you.

krusty318 · 02-21-2011, 05:52 PM

my husband lost his father to cancer 1 year ago and he is slowley turning into the same man you are dealing with, he blames me for everything that he can;t solve himself.(which is alot) he went to america on holiday for 2 weeks and found when he came back he was more understanding. maybe a small break for him or yourself will make himrealize what he is doing to his family.

hope this helps.

crpalmtree · 09-24-2011, 07:13 PM

Thank god I came across your post. I'm going through the SAME thing with my husband. We don't have kids yet, so he doesn't have them to take it out on, but my husband's dad died last year and it's been very difficult on me since then. Believe me, I was heartbroken and still am over the loss of his dad. He was a wonderful man and was an amazing father-in-law. So, I don't mean to take away from his pain... but holy ****... he's sure found an outlet for his pain. It's ME! He just wants to get nit-picky with me on EVERYTHING.... and believe me, I know I'm not perfect... and I think I can be honest when I do something that would be annoying... but, I've noticed that he increasingly has started to get made at me for EVERYTHING and I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. The stuff he gets mad at me for is unbelievable and I feel alone. I want to leave at times, too... but I love him and just want my husband back. I have a very demanding and exhausting job and I just want to relax on the weekend... but he's usually mad at me and makes my weekends suck. So, I just wanted to say hang in there... I know it sucks and it's painful, but I believe it's a side effect of the pain they're going through... not that it makes it right for them to take it out on us.

2dedicated · 01-01-2013, 11:00 PM

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. My mother in law committed suicide a month ago and my hubby acts like it is all my fault. Nothing I do is right and it is like he is constantly trying to pick a fight. I know that this is a hard time for him and I am trying every way I know how to be supportive, forgiving and patient, but it is like everything I do blows up in my face. I don`t know how all this is going to work out but I just want you to know you are not alone.

Bobby5000 · 01-01-2013, 11:26 PM

I guess just talk to these men. They obviously have a right to improve themselves and grieve but criticizing others goes over the line, particularly when children are the victims.