Wife is always gone.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Dealing with Grief and Loss » Wife is always gone.

Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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Old 02-04-2011, 11:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife is always gone.

So last week on friday my wife and i got into an argument and ever since shes been gone, 7 days later only coming home long enough to take a bath and to change her cloths.

We have a 3 year old that I love and only one car and she takes it, leave's my son and I home alone like were prisoners. When she comes home like I said its only for 10-20minutes then she say I'm going to stay the night somewhere else tonight. All our son does is scream for his mom a good 80% of the day and it kills me.

We've been married for 4 years and always had a 2 week break from one another and now that we live in texas its my turn to leave for 2 weeks to see family in Oregon with my son, she keeps saying that she needs a break and the 2 weeks should do it but all she is doing is getting drunk everyday.

When she is here all I hear is how ****ed up she got the night before and that another guy smacked her ass.

I have no idea what to do here, I stopped talking to her yesterday and she could care less because she hasnt tried to call or text to see how our son is doing. She says she doing this because we got married when she was 19 and she didnt have the chance to party and go to bars and club or hang out with friends because she was a mom and wife.

She says she wants us to work but I dont want to be in a relationship were shes always gone with other guys spending the night and never being here. I love her with all my heart please help.
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Old 02-04-2011, 01:13 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is always gone.

Remember the show "The Equalizer"? He "solved" people's problems. Every time I hear a story like this I want to get the facts and then go pop a cap in someone's ass.

When she says she wants to work does she mean to stop going to bars and stop rubbing it in your face? Does she try to get you to go out too or just want to go by herself? Does she have any new friends that she has started going out with?
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Old 02-04-2011, 01:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is always gone.

She goes out and I ask if I can go and someone watch our sone and she says **** no my friends dont like you, and shes been making new guy friends saying that its ok for her to talk to them but now shes partying with them.

I cant do anyhting but sit here all day while she does her own **** because I have no car.
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Old 02-04-2011, 02:30 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is always gone.

Y,
Do have any support from family or friends?

I hope so, be cause you need some. The first thing you need to do is get to a doctor and get checked for STD's. It sounds like she is not just sleeping with one guy that she likes, but is sleeping with alot of different guys and the risk of catching some is some were around 90%.

If you can't find a family or friend to get you to the doctors then take a bus. If you are still sleeping with your spouse I suggest you were a condom.

They way your wife is behaving I doubt she will get her self checked.

In the mean time, be there for your kids and get a puplic transportation schedule. You need to start getting out your kids need to start getting out. Your family sound traped and neglected and you have to take control of this b/c you can no longer depend on your wife, the kids can no longer depend on there mother.

This is so important...you need to take care of your self, some how, some way you need to find a resource that will better your circumstance.

As you have found out you can not control your wife, and your wife is drifting further away. She will continue to tell you what you want to hear, so she can continue to have the attention, excitment, and romance from other men.

So please find the resources to remove your self and your kids from this unhealth enviorment. In other cases I would suggest you remove her from your home, but something tells me the not only is the car in her name but also the residence. So it is up to you to take some other action in protecting you from any further pain and get out.

If I am incorrect in my assumtion, then let me know and other on TAM so we can help. If there are other resourse that you have but didn't mention let us know.

You do not have to tolorate your wife sleeping with other men and exposing you to STD's and exposing your kids to this trashy talk that comes out of her mouth when she is home.

One more thing, Have you ever thought about just packing her things up and putting them out side? She never home any way.

Like you said you love her, but if you want her to love you back. stick up for your self and control what you can control and stop being a doormat.

Women find asertive and confident men attractive, begging and pleading will only lose what ever respect she has for you to go for ever.

This is what she is doing; she has the safe place to go (thats your home) to get her rest and clean up and kind of get away from the fast pace life with strange men in strange plases, call it her safe plase.
She tells you she want to work things out with you and she needs time so she can have her strange men in her life and have you, the baby sitter. if she loses you she no longer has the safe place or the babysiter, that would be bad for her.

Is it safe to say that she has no one else to use, besides you?

If you think about it she has it made, you are making it so easy for her, I doubt she will ever stop.

Just something to think about while you let her wash the stink of other men off her the next time she comes home.
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Old 02-04-2011, 03:29 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is always gone.

Well Im a disabeled army vet got messed up over seas and I make $3,400 a moth and she makes $1,900 our bill are around 2k Im trying to move out but all my family is in oregon and im here in texas.

Im over it Im not talking to her and she just sees me as a free baby siter for our son, All i want is for her to see him. The sex thing I dont think she is having any because she is a big girl and hates her body she used to be 130lbs when we met and with medical issues and our son shes at 230lbs now and wont even let me see her naked so i doubt she would let another guy.

I'm stuck here until next week when I hopefully can get to oregon. O yeah and when we got in our fight I broke my Iphone4 so all I can do is use my voice control and get ahold of the 3 numbers that I stored Ie my Mom, wife and dad lol.

I need to get out and buy a new phone.
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Old 02-04-2011, 03:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is always gone.

No 1 rule do not show her your cards. keep it quite and when you get out to get a phone stop off at the bank and regroup on your money. Call the VA and make arangement for your check.
Not only are you a babysitter but a bank account for her.

Call your family and let them know the sitch. When my BIL was in the same boat his family came down to bail him out of his unhealth marriage.
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Old 02-04-2011, 04:04 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is always gone.

I just hate being stuck here 24 7 like I said I know she isnt having sex because of her body but I did some ****ed up stuff in our marriage I just wish she would say its over so I can move out and on....
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Old 02-04-2011, 04:37 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is always gone.

Come on if your waiting for that..... She has it made, she can come and go as she pleases and the 3k along with the baby sitting, she will never confront you.

And another thing *never say never* there are alway guys that want big women, they try harder.

Not that it matters you sound like your ready to move on, you just need thing to line up just right.

Curious, whats a cab cost to get from your house in to town and back?

And by the way, thank you for your service. You diserve better!
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Old 02-04-2011, 05:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is always gone.

hi==

i know its hard. if you and she went through some rough stuff early on....she could br holding on to resntment, and anger. she will not stop "living" her life untio she decides to.

you must make her see what shes giving up. dont call, if she calls keep it short and quick. tell her you aare not waiting on her to "find" herself.

tell her you are taking the baby, and moving back home. give a date, she can go with you or stay behind.

tell her, if she is not with you when you go, you will file, and she will pay child support.

if she wants out, let her go. i know that would be hard, but she dosent want to be a wife and mom. you cant force somebody to love you and change their persons to fit into the life you think they should have and want.

if she comes home, talk about everything. get it all out in the open. no yelling or screaming. no finger pointing. no judgement passes.

get everything from the past before the marriage and after, for her and you. talk about life before kids and after, talk about sex. just get it all out. face up to hard truths, and make a better pan for the future.

good luck....i hope to works out....
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Old 02-04-2011, 06:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is always gone.

Well I have bad anger issues and yes i treated her like **** and kept her locked up because I hate being in croweds and all but I told her I was willing to change.

As for what you said about taking my so to oregon I cant get him in a custody battle because I cant pass a psychological evaluation so i cant ever win him so Ill move somewhere here in town so she can see him but my phones broke and I cant call anyone and stuck here.
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Old 02-04-2011, 07:31 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Free phone calls - how to start

You can get a completely free usable phone number pretty easily.

Go to
voice.google.com

and sign up for a number, all calls in the US are free, you make them from your computer or your cell phone. Calls from friends and family to the new number are sent to your cell phone or your computer. The easiest computer works are laptops with built in speakers and a microphone, desktops work but you usually need a headset with a microphone. The headset you need has two 1/8" plugs, one for the earphones, the other for the microphone.

If you have problems setting google voice up, please let me know either via this thread or a private message via the box on the top right of this page. I'll be happy to try to help.

At 62 I'm a lot older than you, my father a Silver Medal winner for his heroism as a Navy medic with the Marines in the South Pacific during WW II. In the light of hindsight he suffered from PTSD all his life, my parents life was an ongoing argument - despite this he was my loving, caring father.

I don't know the details of your disability, given your wife is out every night drinking, don't assume the court won't award you custody - she has deserted her child and her husband and is an alcoholic - that will be considered by the court. Also if you negotiate a settlement where she agrees you should have custody many courts will rubber stamp the agreement.

Good luck, you have a difficult path ahead, one you can endure. I've said it before and will repeat "There is life after marriage".

If you don't want to go the google voice route, call one of the people you can call and ask them to call the nearest Enterprise rent a car - they might come to your house and pick you up, or ask them to call a cab to get you and your son from your house.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yeod27 View Post
Well I have bad anger issues and yes i treated her like **** and kept her locked up because I hate being in croweds and all but I told her I was willing to change.

As for what you said about taking my so to oregon I cant get him in a custody battle because I cant pass a psychological evaluation so i cant ever win him so Ill move somewhere here in town so she can see him but my phones broke and I cant call anyone and stuck here.
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Old 02-04-2011, 08:19 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is always gone.

Thanks for all the advice everyone, I'm just gonna move out. She been hanging out with another guy and texting and calling him then I seen a text to the guy saying that my son really enjoyed meeting him so lol yeah I'm done.
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Old 02-05-2011, 03:31 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is always gone.

Y,
Don't forget get on line and start protecting your self financialy. Get registered at your bank for on line banking. and get that phone ordered. Stay online here at TAM for your mental health, this site has helped me alot.

Were there is a will theres a way, go online and look for the resources that will help you get out from under this rock..... this 230lbs rock. Remember don't show the 230lbs rock your cards, if you know what I mean.
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Old 01-05-2012, 12:15 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is always gone.

Did you guys ever tried to talk on this issue?
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Old 01-08-2012, 06:19 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife is always gone.

Sir:
Forget talking! Here is what I would do:

1. Change your disability routing to another bank.
2. As soon as the funds change banks, plan to leave.
3. Next time she takes off, go to the bank, clean out the account.
4. Move back to Oregon and take your son. If you are having an issue with custody, ask your parents to take the custody - if you trust them. Sounds like you do. Besides, your wife will not bother you, nor follow you. She will continue to party on.
You have your son to worry about.
5. Go to the VA and get counseling and additional help.
6. See a lawyer for guidance.
7. Move on with your life. It will not get any better if you stay. Pretty soon she will be using your home as a party house and your son will be in danger from the visitior.
8. And dude, you are a vet. Thanks for your service. I honor and respect you, sir. My son is a SSGT US Army, with 4 deployments. I get it. Stand up and honor yourself! It seems that this woman is using you as a doormat. Stop being abused.
9. The faster you get out, the better off you will be, and so will your son. Surround yourselves with love from your family.
Hoorah!
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