Miscarriages-Has this happened to you? - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-29-2014, 12:35 PM Thread Starter
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Miscarriages-Has this happened to you?

Well, my wife and I were expecting a child and at the end of May we found out that she was in the process of miscarrying. This was 12 weeks into the pregnancy. At first my wife didn't seem to really be overly upset about things and I was there for her if she needed anything at all.

So skip ahead about two months and things have gone downhill. My wife says she has failed me as a wife and to provide a family. She says lots of things in our marriage are bad and she's coming to realize this after the fact. She's exhibiting signs of depression(lack of interest in activities, sleeping but feeling tired when she wakes up, etc.). We are now seperated as she wants some time and space to think about things. We still do things together and we talk every day but I'm not living at home right now as she's asked for space. She deleted things from Facebook of us and she's taken down the pictures we had of us that were up in our home as well. She has agreed to go to counselling for herself and marriage counselling for us so that's a positive sign.

I'm sitting at work here looking at the pictures I've saved of her on my work computer and the ones I have up in my office. I know I have some things I want to work on to be a better man because at times I haven't been that(affection and not being so cranky) but this just came out of nowhere really. I honestly knew we weren't the perfect couple but we aren't an awful couple either.

But I just want to know if this has happened to anyone else on here or anyone that they know. I am very upset and lost by all of this. I know our marriage can survive and come back stronger but man, this is just killing me.

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-29-2014, 06:44 PM
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Re: Miscarriages-Has this happened to you?

I can't imagine separating from my husband just because of a miscarriage. Sure its upsetting, but separate?

There must be something else going on. Have you ruled out a affair? I ask because it seems like a lot if the time a sudden separation indicates that another person is in the picture.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-29-2014, 10:49 PM
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Re: Miscarriages-Has this happened to you?

Yes I've had a miscarriage. I also had twins how were still born. So been there done that.

Does she realize that a lot of pregnancies end in miscarriage. It's something like 20%.

Your wife's reaction to this is not good. She sounds very depressed. Has she seen a doctor about the depression? Have you spoken to her family about all of this?

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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-30-2014, 09:11 PM
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Re: Miscarriages-Has this happened to you?

I have had several miscarriages. It did make me feel partly responsible for a little while there. I also felt like I was a failure. But one thing I didn't feel was the need to leave my Husband.

On the plus side at least this has made her take a look at herself. If your marriage is not what it should be then individual counseling and marriage counseling are both a good choice.

I just want you to know I am sorry for you loss and my heart goes out to both of you. Good luck.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-30-2014, 11:11 PM
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Re: Miscarriages-Has this happened to you?

I had a huge sobfest when I had my first miscarriage. I was 16 weeks along at least, maybe near 20.

Take care of the obvious first, she should get her hormones checked as well as various blood work.

Just because it's only 12 weeks doesn't mean squat.
The human body goes through quite a bit being pregnant, and then not being pregnant. You get all kinds of feel good hormones when pregnant. Then having them taken away abruptly is really difficult, your wife may be sensitive to these hormones.

Even losing sleep can cause disruption in mood and thinking.

A good physical is in order, and if she wants to get pregnant again the best thing to do is to try as soon as the doctor gives the all clear.

I lost my pregnancy in April (a long time ago, not recently) was hospitalized for retained placenta (and almost died) in May and June, and then became pregnant again in September, healthy baby in July. My doctor told me the best thing I could do to recover was to get healthy and to try again as soon as possible. So that's what I did, he was a friend and so I trusted him on that, never gave it a second thought.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-31-2014, 04:03 PM
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Re: Miscarriages-Has this happened to you?

I too had a miscarriage. My husband was and is very supportive, and he was there for me all along. I think it would have been foolish to push him away, because I needed him. And we recovered, and became closer through it.

Your wife seems to be having some delayed, dysfunctional grieving. She appeared to not be as upset in the beginning, then 2 months later, she's pushing you away. Also, realize that after a miscarriage, it can take some time for her hormones to get back into balance. Perhaps this is part of it, but not the whole thing. Something is weird about this--whether she stuffed her grief for a couple of months and is now letting it out in a most dysfunctional way, or something else is going on.

Make sure she knows that you love her, and will fight for her, but don't beg and humiliate yourself in the process. Stay strong, for yourself and for her.

"Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience." –Mark Twain
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-04-2014, 09:10 PM
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Re: Miscarriages-Has this happened to you?

I have had several miscarriages, and yes, though I agree that hormones and grief can do strange things to you, I can't imagine why I would push my husband away at a time like this. It should be something you are both going through together.

As the poster above said, I also find it a little bit strange and wonder if there is something else going on.I suspect this has made her re-evaluate her whole life and if she's feeling the pregnancy was 'not meant to be' then maybe she's thinking the same way about the marriage. How long have you been married for?

Regardless of all this, you're right, being willing to go to MC is a good sign. Maybe that can give you some answers as to where her head is at right now. All the best.
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